Disclaimer: I do not own Dead Poets Society. Otherwise I wouldn't be writing fanfiction.
Neil Perry is sure of a lot of things in his life. He's sure that he wants to be an actor. Sure that he and his father are always going to be slightly at odds with each other, no matter how much they may love each other. Sure that Mr. Keating is the best teacher he's ever had. What Neil isn't sure of though, is why his stomach flip flops every time he and Todd are in the same room. Why his stomach is filled with butterflies when Todd smiles at him or why his lips always turn upwards into a smile whenever Todd laughs.
One night the Dead Poets are out in the cave and Knox is going on an on about this funny feeling he gets in his stomach every time time he sees Chris, and how her smile makes his knees go weak. And it's in that moment that it hits Neil. His body has been doing all of these weird things because he loves Todd. Neil can only sit there stunned while Charlie tries to give Knox advice.
"You okay, Neil?" Todd asks. "You seem kinda out of it."
"Yeah, I'm fine, just thinking." Neil says.
Except he isn't thinking. Because his realization of his love for Todd has left his mind pretty blank.
Once they're back in their room Neil is about to throw himself at Todd and kiss him. But Neil stops himself, because he isn't sure how Todd will react, and he doesn't want things to get awkward between them. So Neil holds it all in, knowing that the longer he keeps all of this inside the bigger the outburst will be when he inevitably explodes. But Neil is determined to keep his friendship with Todd just as it is for as long as possible. Neil holds his breath, knowing that one day this love he has for Todd will be too much and he'll have to say something, but until then he just tries to pretend nothing has changed. Even though everything has changed.