Episode X: Mañana de los Muertos
[At Mr. Burn's Manor.]
Mr. Burns: That delivery man should be here by now.
[Ding dong.]
TR: I'm here with the delivery.
Mr. Burns: Ahh, good. Have a shiny nickel as a tip.
TR: Hey, screw you, old man!
[Flips him off and drives away.]
Mr. Burns: Yes, I think you're number one, too!
[TR left a bunch of radioactive barrels.]
Mr. Burns: Now Smithers, would you do me the honors of opening the stuff?
[Mr. Smithers does the honor of opening the stuff.]
Mr. Burns: Wait. This isn't the radioactive material we were looking for. Dispose of it immediately.
Mr. Smithers: I'll take it to the…
Mr. Burns: No. I have a better way of detrashulating.
[They drive down the cemetery. Cemetery Drive plays.]
Mr. Burns: Smithers, I don't like this today's music. Turn it to something from my age.
Mr. Smithers: Sure thing, sir.
[They change it to Rollin' on the River.]
Mr. Burns: Too new.
[Smithers changes it to Mozart.]
Mr. Burns: Oh, that Mozart fellow! I enjoyed his music at his last concert, but it's a bit too new.
[Smithers puts on a tape of dinosaur sounds.]
Mr. Burns: Aaaah, perfect. Now, dispose of the radioactive waist in the ground.
Radioactive Waist: Hey! This is my top half! I'm still alive, you know!
Mr. Burns: Haii-ya! [Clobbers waist with shovel.] Now bury him, Smithers.
Mr. Smithers: Yes, sir.
[They dump it (him?) in the soil. They leave. There's a zoom in of a gravestone. A raccoon walks in front of it and gets eaten by a zombie. It comes back, roars, and flies away. Meanwhile in Mr. Burns' manor…]
Mr. Burns: Mr. Smithers, I don't like that orphanage down the street. I'm thinking of demolishing it.
Smithers: Should we tell them to move?
Mr. Burns: Why? It's no fun without the screams!
[Knock on the door.]
Mr. Burns: Who's there?
[White Zombie.]
Mr. Burns: White Zombie who?
[Rippin' wheels, his knuckles went white with his iron. The wheels of his Mustang exploding on the highway like a slug from a 45. True death. 400 horse power of maximum performance. Piercing the night. THIS IS BLACK SUNSHINE.]
Mr. Burns: Coming. [Tries to open the door but can't.] Smithers, could you help me with the door?
Mr. Smithers: Yes, sir.
[He opens the door. A zombie enters and eats him.]
Mr. Burns: Gah! You'll have to pay for a replacement assistant, you little hooligan!
[Zombie eats him, too.]
Zombie: [Ptooey!] Too stale.
[Meanwhile, the BHF5 are hanging around the base playing Call of Duty.]
Jango Fett: Hey, I killed a Nazi!
Dengar: Oh, so that was YOU who pinned my hand to a billboard with a crossbow, shot me with a flamethrower, then carefully placed a live grenade in my mouth and ran while insulting my mother?
Z-Man: Yeah, well, that's what you get for playing as a Nazi.
[Base alert rings.]
TR: Ooh! The popcorn's done!
[Opens microwave. It's empty. Alarm is still ringing.]
Z-Man: TR, the alarm is sounding, and there's nothing in the microwave. What does that mean?
TR: Ummmm…
Z-Man: Think about it…
TR: Oh! I know! The alarm is ringing!
[Runs off to alarm room clapping and giggling.]
Dengar: Boy, he'll sleep well tonight.
Jango Fett: Speaking of sleep, I think Bart's up.
[Bart descends from ceiling with ninja rope and draws a blaster.]
Bart: What's the order, chief?
Jango Fett: I don't know. Let's check the TV.
[The TV turns on.]
Kent: This is channel 6 news. SPRINGFIELD AND EARTH IS (ARE?) IN PERIL! Zombies are coming to eat our BRAINS! On the lighter side, TR has found a cure for cancer.
TR: [Somehow on TV in Springfield.] It's pretty simple. All you need to do is stop breathing. Then all your troubles will be gone. But sadly, this won't work on Sandpeople. And it might kill you.
MM: It works on me!
TR: Dang Paul!
Dengar: TR! You were on TV!
TR: Who's Anne Hathaway?
Dengar: What?
TR: What?
Bart: Guys! There are zombies in Springfield! My parents and awesome sister are in trouble!
Dengar: Since when is Lisa "awesome"?
Bart: What Lisa? I'm talking about that one that shot those mobsters!
Z-Man: Finally, we have a chance to do some fighting instead of sitting around and exchanging good dialogue and having car wash fundraisers!
TR: [Magically back in base.] Right! Operation: AWESOME PLOT begins NOW!
[Giant fist bump. They all get in the Slave I.]
Jango Fett: Landing gear!
Dengar: Check!
Jango Fett: Turbo-thrust systems?
TR: [Peeks out of an engine.] Check!
Jango Fett: Comfy bench?
Bart: [Sitting on it playing video games.] Yup.
Jango Fett: Alright, we're good to go!
[They lift off and fly into space, then suddenly come back.]
Dengar: Whoops! Forgot to close the garage door…
[He gets out and rolls it down, then gets back in the ship and they fly off. They get to Springfield.]
Jango Fett: Okay, if anyone sees a zombie, let me know.
[A zombie lands on the windshield.]
TR: I think I saw one!
Z-Man: I've seen this movie. Switch places with me, TR.
[A swarm of zombies enter. The BHF5 fight for their lives. Bart falls out.]
Bart: AAGGHHHHHH!
[His parachute opens. Bart hits the ground and struggles to get up. He then spends the next 5 seconds unbuckling the parachute.]
Bart: Dangit! I hate botched landings! Can we try that again? I want a greased landing. [Replay. Bart hits the ground and lands on his feet and pulls out his Thompson and unbuckles his parachute all at once.] That's better.
[He sees the ship leave without him. Bart struggles to get to the ship but fails.]
Coyote: (Grunt) Howl.
Dengar: Stop! We gotta go back for Bart! We need to!
Jango Fett: Will we die if we don't?
Dengar: No, but he will!
Jango Fett: Exactly!
Z-man: What?
Jango Fett: Haven't you noticed, friends, [Turns around with an evil glare on his face (mask?).] that I'm KARAAAZZEEEE?
[Turns on chicken dance on radio.]
[Bart stands cautiously.]
Bart: I am lost…I am lost. I've been left behind and abandoned. All hope is gone. The rain will kill us all. We throw ourselves against the wall. No one can see the preservation of the martyr in me.
Cletus: You dang compy! You ain't have no preservation!
Bart: Hey! Screw you!
[He shoots Cletus then jacks his truck and everything in it. He hears a noise and takes out his Colt.]
Bart: Hello? Show your dang face.
[He looks around. He sees a dead body (Not Cletus's). The body jumps out and grabs Bart. Bart cracks his neck and stabs the head with a hatchet. More zombies come out. Bart tries to shoot them but misses.]
[Bart reads the Colt instructions: Warning: Not efficient for killing zombies unless in close combat or you are a person who can shoot the stinger clean off a hornet. From a distance using an AK-47 with just one bullet. Double dang.]
Bart: DOUBLE DANG!
[The zombies surround the car. Bart turns on the car and drives running all over the zombies. Bart turns on the radio. The Man Who Sold the World plays.]
Bart: Oh boy. A Surround Sound System! Wouldn't expect that in a hillbilly truck…
[Bart drives through more zombies. The heavy part of Let it Die plays. Trust me. It's a good composite arrangement. Suddenly, the truck breaks down in the middle of the zombies, then somehow explodes. Bart gets out unharmed.]
Bart: This reminds me of some game! But I need to survive before I remember!
[Gets to a convenient maintenance bench and makes a sledgehammer and ax into a thing that defiles.]
Bart: How can I even wield this!
[Kills about a thousand and a half zombies. Little white text that says 250 PP shows up everywhere.]
Zombie: Hey, I'm not a zombie! I'm a swa- hold on.
Swamp Hobo: [In a British accent] Much better. Anyway, as you can see, I am a swamp hobo, not a zombie!
Bart: The hell with this!
[Bart takes out a gems + flashlight thing and kills the "swamp hobos". Zombie Martin appears.]
Martin: Heavens! You don't use a lightsaber like that!
Bart: [Takes out a shotgun and headshots Martin's head.] Shut-up-a your face! That's a copyright infringement!
[Sips Coca-Cola™ brand carbonated sugar water.]
[A zombie bites Bart. Bart points a gun to the zombie's head and shoots it.]
Bart: I'm not dead yet, so I technically am not a zombie. Right?
[Rescue chopper appears.]
Pilot: Hey! Little boy with a shotgun! We're gathering survivors! Get up here!
[They drop a ladder. Bart vaults over a zombie and grabs it. They fly away and he climbs while they're flying.]
Bart: Urp! And yet I can't do this in gym class to save my life!
[Gets to da choppa.]
Pilot: Thank goodness you're OK! We only have a few other survivors of this massive Springfield outbreak!
Bart: Is my family OK?
Pilot: I'm pretty sure I saw a giant blue hairdo at the shelter. Say, do you need a vaccination?
Bart: Against what?
Pilot: You know, if you got bitten by a zombie. We can't have infected people in the shelter and we don't have any more Zombrex. Some old lady insisted we use it all on her poodle. In retrospect, that might've been the worst idea.
Bart: But what about that vaccination?
Pilot: Ummmm… you know, "vaccination" is just a fancy way of saying "throwing infected people out of the chopper into ravines". But on the plus side, if you're really a zombie, you'd feel no pain anyway. Probably.
Bart: Urp! Good thing I didn't get bitten!
Pilot: Great! Say, do you get airsick? You're looking a little green…
Bart: I just… did some gardening! My green thumb must be infectious!
Pilot: Of course. Here we are!
[They land on the roof of a safehouse.]
Pilot: Alright, just take that ladder down into the evacuation chamber. I'm going to patrol for more badasses.
Bart: You mean survivors?
Pilot: Hey, if they've survived this long, they're officially badass.
[Bart meets up with his family.]
Marge: Bart! Oh, my sweet boy, you're okay!
Homer: Awwww, maaaan! He's alive! That means I can't have his free yogurt!
Lisa: You already have!
Bart: [Thinks.] Say, Lisa. Why don't I get some lovely yogurt for my beloved sister?
[Bart gets Lisa her free yogurt. P.S. Bart has spit in it.]
Lisa: [Takes a bite.] Say, this yogurt tastes a little zombie-ish.
Survivor #1: [Gasp.] She's eaten some infected yogurt!
[They throw Lisa out.]
Lisa: At least I'm no longer crowded.
[" "]
Survivor #2: Say, why was that yogurt infected?
Survivor #1: Probably because it was sput on by someone who was infected.
[Yup, Edgar just said "sput". Enjoy it, bitches.]
Survivor #2: But that'll mean [Gasp.] someone here is infected!
[Silence. Everyone breaks out in a riot and struggle to get into the whirly-birds.]
Chief Wiggum: Stay calm! STAY CALM OR I WILL SHOOT YOU LIKE DOGS!
[A dog shoots him.]
Queen Elizabeth II: God save the queen!
Steve Jones: Oh, sorry. We're not doing that anymore.
Whoever rules Canada: WHY THE HELL NOT!
Steve Jones: Because you still haven't gotten rid of Frank Raccoon which is making us broke.
[Frank Raccoon comes in.]
Frank: How dare you! I wish to fight you!
[Steve slaps him. Frank starts to cry like a baby.]
Survivor in Disguise: Time to scare these guys. [Puts on zombie costume.] WHOOOOO! I AM A ZOMBIE!
[He gets shot.]
Bart: Where the Hoth are Dengar and TR?
[Dengar and TR are running out of a building. Dengar is shooting a zombie.]
TR: I'M OUTTA AMMO! I NEED A MAGAZINE!
Dengar: Here ya go.
[TR hands him a GQ magazine.]
TR: Thanks. [Hits the zombie.] Bad zombie! Bad zombie! No!
[Flying elephants fall out of the sky.]
Bart: What is going on here?
[It turns out he was just hallucinating in the cup of yogurt.]
Bart: On second though, better not spit in it.
[Goes to sit with his family on a cot.]
Marge: Why are you so depressed, Bart?
Bart: Nothing.
Marge: Oh my… you got a cut on your arm. Let me go get some gauze.
[Leaves.]
Lisa: Bart…? Did you get bitten by a zombie?
Bart: [Turns around. Has a zombie face.] Brraaaaaiiinnnnssss…
Lisa: AAAGGGHHH! BART'S A ZOMBIE!
Bart: [Takes off zombie mask.] Hahaha! Can't believe you fell for that!
Lisa: Why you little…!
[Starts throttling him.]
Homer: That's my job! And aren't you Buddhist all about nonviolence anyway?
Lisa: Oh, yeah.
[Walks away.]
Bart: Phew. That was a close o-
[Maggie leaps in and starts throttling him.]
Bart: AGGGGHH!
Survivor 1: Hey! That girl made a false alarm!
Survivor 2: Let's throw her out!
[A huge mob comes at her.]
Bart: [Thinking.] Wait! She's my sister! After all she's helped me get through, I can't- Actually, she hasn't returned my Gameboy. Eh, let her die.
Lisa: Wait! No! Stop! You don't-!
[They carry her out.]
Marge: Oh no! My little girl! Oh, and Bart, we're all out of bandages. And straws.
Bart: Straws?
Marge: Yup.
Bart: [Falls to his knees.] NOOOOOOOOO!
[Sobs.]
Homer: [Looks up from Gameboy.] Wait, where's Lisa?
Bart: LISA MUST HAVE THE LAST STRAW! NO LAME PUNS!
[Runs outside.]
Homer: What's with the boy?
[Bart sees Lisa sitting in the corner. It's raining.]
Bart: Hey Lisa, sorry about that prank I pulled. If you want, I can go get you some yogurt or-
Lisa: It's OK, Bart. We're all going to die anyway.
Bart: What?
Lisa: Think about it! Everyone who survived but that helicopter pilot is in here! We don't go get help because all the help is INSIDE! There's no one else out there! The whole world is zombified! Humanity will go extinct!
Bart: There's the rest of the BHF5!
Lisa: Oh yeah? If the BHF5 is so loyal, why did they strand YOU here?
[Bart thinks. It starts raining. AGAIN.]
Bart: Hey, it's double raining.
Lisa: Leave me alone. See you in- Oh wait. Buddhists don't go to hell.
[Bart goes inside.]
Bart: Guys, why did you throw my sister out? Over a stupid false alarm?
Survivor 1: Actually, you were the 300th person to arrive.
Bart: So?
[Survivor 2 points to sign that says Maximum Occupancy: 300.]
Bart: But you don't think-?
Survivor 1: No I don't, never! Now listen to me! When help arrives, they can only get out 300 people! Then there will be lots of heartache over who gets left behind! This is the easiest way!
Pilot: I got more survivors!
Survivor 2: We've reached maximum occupancy!
Pilot: Oh, alright then!
[Helicopter goes away. Screams are heard. Bodies are seen falling into a ravine.]
Bart: What?
Survivor 2: It's for the good of all of us!
Bart: WHAT WOULD BE GOOD FOR ALL OF YOU IS IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE A ZOMBIE AMONG YOU!
Survivor 1: What?
Survivor 2: Wait… everyone filled out a questionnaire, where they answered they weren't a zombie! [Thinks, then glares at Bart.] …but HIM!
Bart: Wait, but I-!
[Survivors 1 and 2 grab his arms. Survivor 1 looks at his bite wound.]
Survivor 1: Aha! Just as I thought! This dude is a zombie!
[They put on hazmat suits and carry him outside.]
Survivor 2: Who did you come in contact with?
Bart: Only my family! I swear! Leave them alone!
Survivor 1: Get this guy outside, I'll be right back.
[Heads towards Simpson cot. Bart hears gunshots.]
Bart: NOOOO! What are you doing? Don't hurt them!
Survivor 1: [Comes back.] Don't worry, that was just target practice. It's more fun to kill em' when they turn.
[They throw him outside.]
Lisa: You again?
Bart: Lisa! There's been a terrible mistake! They think I'm a zombie!
Lisa: Are you?
Bart: Well… OK, it wasn't a mistake.
Lisa: Then quit whining and die. Normally I would tell you to bite me, but it seems like a bad idea in this case.
Bart: Isn't there a cure for zombism?
Lisa: Oh, there are several hundred!
Bart: Really? No way. Name some.
Lisa: Let's see… pistol, rifle, shotgun, bazooka, flamethrower, machete, torch, dynamite, blueberry disaster, expired milk, Justin Bieber CD, giant robot teddy bear with a bandana and an LMG, crowbar, grenade, manhack, beer bottle that's been broken and sharpened, burger from Islands with like 3 days' worth of fat, chainsaw to the face, chainsaw to the stomach, chainsaw to the-
Bart: Yeah, OK, I get it.
Lisa: If you meant a VACCINE, I heard Professor Frink was working on one. He had managed to nearly complete a safe, accurate zombification-reversal medicine before he was captured by the government.
Bart: So he could produce it for them?
Lisa: No, because they had a kickback from Zombrex as the official nationwide supplier of zombie vaccine.
Sullivan: [From security room.] He's onto us.
Katey: You're not my real daddy! What did you do to him?
Sullivan: Shut up and play your PSP rip-off.
[Never happened, K? Meanwhile.]
Bart: If we can make it to Frink's lab, we might be able to finish the vaccine and turn me back to human!
Lisa: Bart! It's nighttime, the rain is pouring, we have no way of getting a vehicle, and there are zombies wandering everywhere!
Bart: You're right. How long does it take from bite to zombification?
Lisa: About 24 hours.
Bart: Oh, boy, we've only got about 18 hours yet…
Lisa: Forget it! I'm not spending the last day of my life helping my jerk brother who could turn into a zombie at any time get across a zombified city to get an incomplete, untested cure!
[30 seconds later they're on the road.]
Bart: Word to the wise, Lisa: Whenever you say you're never going to do something, it ALWAYS happens.
Lisa: Shut up.
[They're walking for about an hour. No zombies so far.]
Bart: Did you know there are 3 symptoms of brain-death?
Lisa: Really? Which are-?
Bart: 1. No signs of brainwave activity
2. Bodily paralysis
3. Trying very hard to attend tea party rallies
Lisa: Good one.
Bart: Good what?
Lisa: Joke.
Bart: What joke?
[More furtherer walking.]
[Look, I don't want a lot of drama so they just get there.]
Lisa: Let's hope that the zombie cure is conveniently complete enough that one simple ingredient that we find lying around is enough to complete it.
Bart: Hey, whaddaya know? It isn't.
Lisa: Shoot.
Bart: Wait, I have an idea!
[Dials something on a keypad on the wall.]
Lisa: What did you just do?
Bart: Called over the BHF5 so they can rescue everyone!
Lisa: Bart, even though your life is at stake, you chose to save hundreds of others instead of yourself? That might be the most unselfish thing I ever-.
Bart: They have the anti-zombie antidote.
Lisa: [Disappointed.] Oh.
[They cure Bart. Later at BHF5 base.]
Jango Fett: Sorry for abandoning you back there, Bart. It's just since childhood, I've had a fear of zombies.
Bart: All is forgiven. I've learned something about myself from this. Namely, that I'm not good at drama scenes. Let's just stick to action from now on.
Jango Fett: Agreed. Now, what do you say to some Call of Duty?
Bart: Sure thing, but prepare to get PWNed, Nazi!
[They play video games.]
The End