Walking with Fangirls

By Revokov

            Jeff Probst had once been a god. He remembered those days as though they were yesterday. However, there was just something about going from the host of Survivor, a wildly popular strategy show, to Walking with Fangirls, a much different kind of reality show that while involving some strategy (who to glomp next in order to get the most glomps in a set time) mostly involved more high pitched screeching than was healthy for any person who still considered themselves sane.

            Behind Probst was a cadre of twenty fangirls, each with different colored hair of varying lengths. At least one of them was screeching at any given moment, probably because of the number of familiar faces lining the beaches of Guadeloupe. With a single glance Probst could see characters from every game or animated series in the world ever. They arrived via Plotholes, massive dark portals that appeared out of nowhere to deposit their passengers on the beach. Probst was just thankful Sephiroth hadn't shown up yet—then things would really get loud.

            Walking with Fangirls was set on Guadeloupe Island, an obscure Caribbean islet owned by France. France did not know that America was hosting a show on its land, nor did Probst particularly fear repercussions. This, after all, was France. Probst hadn't even been given a proper schedule of events for this show, and had no idea what his next challenge should be. He was thinking he'd have them climb a mountain. Maybe a few would die. The host shook his head and started to despair when a wild cry went through the fangirl ranks and they shot past him like a train. The host blinked in surprise. Maybe his next challenge had just arrived, after all.

            Mega Man X frowned as he scanned the beach before him. "Looks like there's a party going on."

            Zero wasn't listening. His eyes were locked onto the voluptuous form of Tifa Lockhart, who'd mistakenly taken Plothole 91 instead of Plothole 92, which would have led her to Walking with Fanboys.

            "ZERO!"

            "Sorry!" the crimson Hunter said, snapping to attention. "And yeah, looks like there's something going on here. I dunno what the Mavericks want with this place, though. Seems like this island's kinda…small."

            "Well, we know there's a Maverick agent somewhere on this island, and he's up to no good." X looked around determinedly. "All we need to do is find someone who looks evil."

            "Heeere villain villain villain," Zero chirped, scanning the beach. Twenty feet away, Rufus Shinra spiked a volleyball into Kuja's face. Zieg and Lloyd sunbathed nearby, each holding a Dragoon Spirit and mumbling "my precious." Farther down Reno and Rude were violently attacked by Vegita after an argument went bad. "Who knew it'd be so hard to find a villain in these parts?"

            SHRIEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!

            Both Hunters screamed bloody murder and collapsed. The screeching did not end, and X looked up in horror. "What…what is it?"

            But Zero knew. He knew all too well. "X…run!" But it was too late. The fangirls tore into the two Hunters, pinning them to the sand with a glomping fury that Jeff Probst, trailing behind them, had not seen since they'd fairly dismembered someone named Legato. Neither Hunter could move, for the Fangirl Shriek left them paralyzed as they were dragged towards the fangirl tents and handcuffed to poles.

            "Welcome back to Walking with Fangirls," said an exited Jeff Probst to the cameras as a suddenly interested world tuned in. "It seems we have found our sacrificial offerings for Chibiplush, the God of Cute, who as you remember dwells in the Altar of ^_^ and is due for a visit tomorrow. Stay tuned for more!"

            "I must admit, I didn't think that would work." Saruman stepped back from the palantir, nodding in concession at his guest. "But it seems your trap was well planned."

            Vile cackled. "I just knew that getting X and Zero within twenty feet of fangirls would result in them being completely neutralized."

            "This may sound out of character for someone who regularly converses with the Dark Lord of Mordor, but…don't you think this was a little cruel? I mean…" Saruman waved his hands, searching for the right words. "Those fangirls seem like…monsters."

            "Oh they are," said Vile gleefully, rubbing his hands together. "And they have served their purpose. Soon, Lord Saruman, Guadeloupe will be your new Uruk-Hai breeding ground. Let's see Dangalf find you there."

            "That's Gandalf," Saruman corrected him. "And if so, your master Sigma will receive my full support in his coming war. Just do not disappoint me."

            "Not a chance." Vile fairly bounced with excitement. "Soon my agent on the island will do what he does best. Muhahaha…mwahahaha…WAAAHAHAHA!"

            "With all due respect," Saruman said, wincing, his fingers splayed across his forehead, "the Dr. Evil thing got old a long time ago."

            "But it's just so fun!" Vile protested. "Fine, let's see you do better. Go on. Try."

            Saruman sighed. This would be a long day.

            Jaques Chirac stared at the documents in front of him and frowned. This information presented him with a very dire, important question, and the leader of the French state looked up to General Louis Beauchampeauchamp (Chirac understandably just called him Louis), the leader of his armed forces, and asked the question that was eating at him. "Louis, why am I still alive?"

            "Oh…well you see," Louis fidgeted. "It's kind of like a curse. You will always be the President of France. Forever. No matter what."

            "Forever? For eternity?" Louis nodded and Chirac growled. "Well then, by God, I'm gonna make it worth my time. These Americans think they can just waltz onto my land and film their TV shows without asking permission? Well they're wrong."

            "Sir…" Louis did not like the way this was going. "Sir, please, reconsider—"

            "No! If I'm stuck leading this nation forever someone's gonna die for it. We're going to war, Louis! Prepare my armada! We're taking back Guadeloupe!"

            "Sir," Louis practically wailed, "please, please don't embarrass us like this!"

            "Who's embarrassed? I'm not! Now go!" Louis fled. Chirac scowled. "President forever? What did I do to deserve that? I'll activate my agent on Guadeloupe now…soon, I shall have my revenge! Muhahah…mwahahaha…WAAAAHAHAHA!"

            Thomas the Tank Engine listened to the Conductor shout "All aboard!" in his pleasant friendly voice for the 923rd time in his life, and had an aneurysm. Fortunately it is easy for trains to recover from aneurysms, because all that happens is a bunch of crap flies out their steam pipes.

            Thomas, despite his friendly demeanor, his pleasant looks, his Boy Scout attitude and his general happiness had gotten nowhere in the working world. In his school days on Shining Time Station he'd been a star, number one in his class. Sure the other trains were bigger and faster than him but darn it he was Thomas, and he was blue, and the show was named after him not that cheeky jerk James!

            "Hey Thomas!" said the engine in question, shooting past Thomas as he began to move. "Out of steam already?"

            "That's not nice, James!" Thomas shouted back, feeling his voice crack and hating it. He was such a wimp. James had all the fixings of an awesome train engine, but Thomas was still short, blue and had rusted paint. After Shining Time Station that cheapo Schemer had been offered a great deal by the French and had sold Thomas and James to Guadeloupe island. Why Guadeloupe needed trains was entirely beyond Thomas, since the island was about the size of a grape, but at least he had a job. He'd applied at all the big name stations, for sure, but it was all the same: "We know how qualified you are, sir, but there just seem to be more confident candidates in the field." Yeah, sure, he'd show them confident, right up their hairy—

            "Thomas!" said the Conductor. "Are you ready for a fun day?"

            Thomas sighed. The Conductor was a great guy, but sometimes Thomas wished he'd just fall off. "You better believe it!" he said, chipper as ever, while ahead of him James caught the sound and laughed like a maniac. This, Thomas knew as he putt-putted along, was hell.

            The fangirls were partying.

            "So what do you think of today's catch?" Jeff Probst asked one fangirl with blonde hair that strongly resembled interlinked pineapples.

            "OHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGOOOOOD!" she shrieked.

            "And there you have it," said a smiling Jeff Probst. "Can you wait for tomorrow's visit to the Altar of ^_^?"

            "Nooooo!" the fangirl crooned, falling to her knees and affecting the most pitiful expression in the world. "Tomorrow's too looooong!"

            "Well there it is, folks, straight from the horse's mouth." Jeff Probst flashed his trademark grin as the camera panned out. "Join us tomorrow, at the Altar of ^_^ as X and Zero are sacrificed to Lord Chibiplush, the God of Cute." Energized for once, Jeff walked away from the volleyball-playing, Sprite-drinking fangirls. He had an event to plan. Jeff Probst was back and better than ever!

            "Zero," X whispered, sounding like a freshly neutered puppy. "I can't feel my body."

            "Don't worry, it's still there." Zero was much calmer. He'd experienced this many a time.

            "I was jealous of you," X admitted. "But it's so horrible. How do you do it?"

            "I don't," Zero admitted. "They do."

            "And now we're going to be sacrificed to some stupid god at some stupid Altar of ^_^. How the hell am I even saying '^_^' in words?"

            "I think you're saying it fine," Zero shrugged. "But you're right. We'd better get out of here if we're going to stop the Mavericks. If only there were some helpful tiny critters who wanted to help us do the right thing…"

            "You called?" asked a scratchy voice.

            "Aha!" Zero grinned. "This is a fangirl convention, X! I knew there'd be cute helpful critters around!"

            "That's cute?" X asked with a wrinkled nose.

            "You're no prize yourself," said Papa Smurf, stepping into the light. The little blue creatures, their diaper like loincloths in many case their only garments, seemed out of place in an area full of creatures and people spawned by Japanese minds. Behind Papa Smurf was Smurfette, Brainy Smurf, Jokey Smurf, Grouchy Smurf and Hefty Smurf, who was already unshackling the two Hunters. "Come with us. We need to talk!"

            "Thank you, but why?" Zero asked. "What's in it for you?"

            "A good deed?" Papa Smurf said with a grin.

            "Wait a minute!" X finally got a word in edgewise. "How did you get in here?"

            "Plothole 103," Smurfette explained. "Now are you coming or not?"

            "Where are we going?" Zero asked as he and X snuck out of the tent and past the fangirls, who were all squealing over the poor captured Inu-yasha.

            "To the Easily Flanked and Undefendable Mountain," Brainy Smurf explained.
            "You're joking," X hoped.

            "That's my department," said Jokey Smurf. "And believe me, mine are funnier than THAT."

            "We're dead," X said to Zero, who stopped him before he could do the sweatdrop.

            "It's like a homing beacon for fangirls," Zero explained.

            President Chirac now understood what Louis meant by being embarrassed.

            The leader of France shot towards Guadeloupe with France's entire armada: a single gunship named the Charles de Gaulle, a boat that had been around since the time of its namesake. It was uncrewed and leaky, but Chirac managed to maintain a dignified pose as they plodded along towards the Caribbean. Louis, on the other hand, hid his head in his hands and wept. "Stop it," Chirac scolded. "It's not that bad."

            No sooner were the words out of his mouth than something rocked the ship hard. "Torpedo attack!" Louis screamed, leaping to his feet and darting to the ship's mounted cannons.

            "What?" Chirac looked across the water and saw what appeared to be a very dingy looking submersible floating towards them. Emblazoned in steel on the craft was a giant white skull marking. "Pirates?" Any fear this might have generated was dashed when he saw what the pirates were using as weapons. "Torpedoes my foot! They're throwing pop cans!" He winced as the boat shuddered again—the pop cans just felt like torpedoes against De Gaulle's aging hull.

            "I've got 'em now," Louis said happily, pulling the trigger. Nothing happened. "Oh no!" he remembered. "We sold all our ammunition to Iraq!"

            "We really sold them weapons?" Chirac asked, horrified. "I thought that was just a joke!"

            "Ahoy there!" said a big man decked out in green armor with a wild white ponytail. His red eyes fixed on Chirac as another form boarded, a skinny girl with ridiculously horizontal hair. "I am Bonne, Tiesel Bonne, and I'm taking over this ship!"

            "You…you can't do that!" Chirac protested. "I challenge you!"

            "Then I'm afraid I'll have to call in my second." Tiesel motioned and a yellow/black behemoth leapt at Chirac, catching him in a playful but crushing embrace. "BABU!" was all Chirac heard from the mouth of Bon Bonne as the big robot played.

            "I can fix this up in no time!" Tron Bonne exclaimed, looking over the ship. "We'll be at Guadeloupe before you know it, to pillage and plunder!"

            "YOU CANT DO THIS!" Chirac screamed. "I'M JAQUES CHIRAC!"

            "Yeah right!" Tiesel laughed. "You'd have to be how many hundred years old? If he's Jaques Chirac, then I'm Mega Man Voulnut's fan club president!"

            "All right," said Papa Smurf atop the Easily Flanked and Undefendable Mountain. "Now it's time for you to learn what the Mavericks want on Guadeloupe. But it's not for me to tell you. You have to meet with…The Boss." As he spoke a radical transformation took place. Papa Smurf was now decked out in a purple suitcoat, shades, and had gold chains all over him. "You call me Pimp Daddy Smurf, yo!"

            "Hands up," said Hefty Smurf, holding out a Luger. "Gotta frisk ya."

            "This is so humiliating," X moaned as Jokey Smurf—who seemed to favor "Tokey Smurf" given his dazed expression—searched him for weapons.

            "I don't mind," Zero shrugged as Smurfette gave him a once-over. The female Smurf was decked out in ghetto-jerseys and a nose ring and scoffed at him as she took her place on Pimp Daddy Smurf's lap.

            Brainy Smurf, the resident dealer, led the Ghetto Smurfs with their captives into a large cave. Zero turned to Grouchy Smurf. "And who are you supposed to be?"

            "Groucho Smurf," he replied. "Time flies like an arrow." He gleefully threw a banana in Zero's face. "Fruit flies like a banana!"

            "Enough!" said a moogle, rushing up with an air of importance. "The Boss is waiting."

            "Yo yo, you best be behavin' in the Boss's presence," said Pimp Daddy Smurf as Mog ushered the Hunters to the inner sanctum. "He'll bust a cap in yo' arm."

            "Ass," Smurfette corrected.

            "Sorry…I'm new at this."

            The first thing X and Zero saw was a row of large multicolored birds. In the center was a very gold, very fat bird who sat like a king. "Ahh, Cousin Moggy," said the bird, like the Godfather. "You have brought my guests to me, eh?"

            "Presenting his majesty, Fat Chocobo!" Mog said, at attention.

            "No need for theatrics, Mog," Fat Chocobo shook his feathered head. "Tell me, and tell me straight, gumballs, what is it you are doing on my island?"

            "We're here to stop the Mavericks," X said quickly. "They're a threat to you and anyone else living on this island."

            "Indeed. But the Mavericks are not the only ones I want to see pushing up the daisies." Fat Chocobo leaned forward, his beady eyes narrowed. "Stop the fangirls. We live in mortal terror of them finding us. I knew we should never have made our nest on the Easily Flanked and Undefendable Mountain."

            "Definitely a tactical error," Mog affirmed.

            "We'll help you," Zero promised. "We'll find a way to get rid of them all."

            Suddenly there was the telltale shriek of approaching fangirls. "They're coming!" X exclaimed. "Probst must have noticed that we escaped!"

            "Cousin Moggy, Pimp Daddy S," Fat Chocobo stood and waved a massive wing. "Mobilize your troops! The battle for fangirl-freedom is upon us! Give me freedom or give me ear plugs!!!"

            Thomas the Tank Engine knew something was wrong when he didn't hear the Conductor at all that morning. It was someone else who'd taken control of him. He didn't even care when James called him a steel blue snail who would never amount to anything except rusty scrap metal. "I don't like this," Thomas repeated over and over. "I don't. I really don't." He was already going faster than he knew was safe. "High speeds are bad," he remembered from Shining Time Station. "High speeds are very bad." Then he realized that he was not on his normal track. He was speeding towards…the beach? But that was a dead end! "Heeeeellllp!" shouted Thomas.

            Standing in the conductor's cabin was a tall man in a black cloak. He pumped his fist out the window and grinned as his destination approached. Thomas didn't know that he was carrying tons of dynamite in his cargo cars, but the Hooded Man did.

            "Muhahahah," said the Hooded Man. "Mwahahaa…WAAAHAHAHA!"

            "See? It is happening as I promised." Vile smugly stepped away from the palantir.

            "The next person to do that damn laugh," Saruman groused, clutching his staff tightly, "gets Orthanc dropped on their head."

            Jeff Probst approached the Easily Flanked and Undefendable Mountain with a smug smile. Normally he wouldn't have even considered that the escapees run to this place, but lately it just seemed to make sense. His fangirl forces had, predictably, flanked the mountain and were now advancing up it even as the army marched down to them.

            "Welcome back to Walking with Fangirls," Probst said to the cameras. "As you can see, a major challenge is about to take place that may well determine the winner of the show! Which fangirl will bring the offering to Lord Chibiplush at the Altar of ^_^? Watch and learn, cuz here we go!"

            Dust blew between the two forces. Fat Chocobo looked Probst squarely in the eye. X and Zero both stared at Tifa, who'd joined the fangirl ranks, having nothing better to do. Cousin Moggy and the Smurfs all looked at individual fangirls, who were already drooling.

            "FREEEEEDOOMMMMM!" Fat Chocobo said, waddling down the mountain to lead the charge. Chocobo, moogle, Smurf and Reploid all marched together, brothers and sisters in arms against a force more powerful than anything Saruman, watching inside Orthanc, had ever seen.

            SHRIEEEEEEEEEEEK!

            The fangirls, unfortunately, had flanked the easily flanked mountain well. They came from all sides, glomping, hugging, kissing, squealing. Chocobos warked and fell and moogles squeaked as they were dragged off like cuddly teddy bears. "Not my pom pom," Stiltzkin wailed as a fangirl batted his said red ornament from side to side. "Not my pom pom!"

            "Holy crap!" Fat Chocobo guffawed, turning tail and running. "What were we thinking? Chocobos? Moogles? Smurfs? We're all cuddly animals! Run! Run! MAKE FOR THE HILLS!"

            "No!" X and Zero shouted in unison, but it was too late. Pimp Daddy Smurf led his counterparts away, their tough attitudes totally shattered. Mog was fighting fangirls around the retreating Fat Chocobo, and was quickly pinned. "Go on without me!" he wailed. Fat Chocobo warked loudly and poked the fangirls with his feathers, driving them off. "Blood is thicker than shrieks, Cousin Moggy," he said, as they resumed the retreat.

            Just when things looked totally hopeless, explosions rocked the area. Jeff Probst dove for cover and the fangirls shrieked in horror, ducking and covering. X and Zero looked to behold a gunship near the beach, firing pop cans out of its cannons. "People of Guadeloupe!" a big voice boomed from the ship. "We're the Bonnes, and we're taking over this—wh…what? MEGA MAN?"

            "Yeah, I'm Mega Man!" snapped X. "And I'm demanding that you give us a hand!"

            Tiesel sputtered, but a Servbot took over. "And what makes you think we'll help YOU?"

            "SQUEEEEEEEE!" the fangirls screamed, seeing the Servbot.

            "Oh no," Tiesel and Tron said in unison. "Babu!" wailed Bon. "What the hell?" said Chirac and Louis.

            "If you don't do something, they'll kill us all!" Zero explained.

            "Oh, why does this always happen to me?" Tiesel grumped. "All right, men, let's do it!" Pop cans rained once more, littering the beach with cylindrical aluminum death.

            Just as X and Zero were about to rejoin the suddenly hopeful battle, a funny looking man in a light blue uniform ran up. He seemed to be made of clay. "Help!" said the Conductor. "He's hijacked my train!"

            "Who did what now?" X asked.

            "This hooded man stole my train and packed him full of explosives. He'll be here soon!"

            "Sounds like our Maverick," Zero nodded. Then he blinked. "Wait…how'd you outrun a train to warn us?"

            The conductor just pointed to the portal above him. "The same way you will. Plothole 671. Now hurry and use it before it vanishes! Please save Thomas! He's short, blue, and kind of a has-been," he added, ignoring X's poisonous glare.

            Thomas was definitely feeling in need of saving. The tracks would soon end with a cement wall that would surely set off the explosives within him, explosives which the Hooded Man had described while standing on top of the moving train, laughing maniacally. Then suddenly Plothole 671 appeared, depositing two mechanical men. "Help!" shouted Thomas. "Please help me!"

            "Hey, Thomas!" said James, speeding past on another track and doing nothing to help. "Looks like you're all set to blow! I mean go! Wahaha!"

            "What a jerk," Zero observed before turning to the Hooded Man. "Anyway, end of the line for you, Maverick!"

            "Is it?" the Hooded Man asked. "Well I don't know how you got here, but you'll never stop us!"

            "Us?" X asked, feeling sick.

            "No," Zero backed up. "Surely it's not…"

            "But it is!" The Hooded Man threw back his cloak, revealing not one but three figures in red court attire, holding various weapons of torture. "You see? No one suspects the Spanish Inquisition!"

            "This isn't good," X frowned.

            "Tell me about it!" squeaked Thomas.

            "X!" Zero took charge, drawing his saber and glaring at the Spanish Inquisition. "You get rid of the explosives. I'll deal with these jokers."

            "But why do I have to deal with the explosives?"

            "X," Zero lectured. "It's much more color coded if you help the blue guy while I deal with the red guys. Read a magazine, or something."

            X blinked, deciding to get away from his friend as quickly as possible. He dropped into Thomas's cargo car, seeing boxes of TNT. "Well this is certainly haphazard," he observed, dumping the boxes out of the back. "But what are you gonna do?" Outside little kids rushed up to the boxes and jumped up and down happily saying "Ooo! Fireworks!"

            Up above Zero had already dispatched two of the Inquisitors, and the third one, armed with a paper sword, stood his ground. "Why are humans like the Spanish Inquisition helping the Mavericks?" Zero had to ask.

            "Because it's unexpected!" the Inquisitor said with a shriek to rival the fangirls, and surged forth, disarming Zero. "Just like me disarming you with a paper blade!"

            Zero simply kicked the Inquisitor in the chest, knocking him off Thomas's back. He turned proudly to examine the new situation when another Inquisitor materialized out of thin air a way down the tracks, leveling a bazooka in Zero's direction. "Didn't see this coming, did you?" the Inquisitor grinned, while Zero paled. "NO ONE suspects the Spanish Inquisition's heavy weapons corps! Muhahaha….mwaaahahahaa! WAAAHAHAH-AAACK!" He never finished, because a massive black tower fell down from the sky, squashing him like a bug.

            "I told you," growled Saruman from Orthanc's master chamber.

            Zero grinned as X hopped on back of Thomas. "All done?"

            "Yeah," X nodded, looking scared. "But we still need to stop the train!"

            "HEEELP!" Thomas wailed, the cement wall approaching.

            Zero ducked into the conductor's cabin, but the Spanish Inquisition had disabled the brakes. "Abandon ship!" Zero shouted, diving out of the cabin.

            "Abandon ship!" X echoed, leaping off the top of the train.

            "Holy shit!" screamed Thomas the Tank Engine.

            The resulting catastrophe stopped the combatants cold. The fangirls looked to see the mess of Thomas on the beach and called off their attack in pity. Fat Chocobo recovered all his troops, and Pimp Daddy Smurf helped the wounded with Mog. Jeff Probst did a particularly touching sermon in front of the camera, while Tiesel, Tron and Bon quickly decided that raiding Guadeloupe would be a total waste of time. The excavation crew arrived and took Thomas away for repairs, while X and Zero staggered over to the main crew. "You done well, paisans," said Fat Chocobo, patting them each on my back. "I call you both my friends."

            "Thank you," X said breathlessly. "I just wish we could have done more. Hey…weren't you supposed to tell us what the Mavericks wanted on this island?"

            "Huh? Oh." Fat Chocobo shrugged. "There's nothing here."

            "Nothing?" Zero frowned. "Then what did they come here for?"

            "Beats me. Ask Chirac the same question." The Frenchmen were still protesting their treatment aboard De Gaulle. "There is nothing on Guadeloupe. It is utterly worthless. That's why we came here…we didn't think any of you outsiders would be infringing on our privacy."

            "Well whuddya know?" X looked to Zero. "Even Sigma makes some stupid mistakes once in a while."

            "Nothing? What does he mean nothing?"

            "Noooo!" Vile wailed, backing away from Saruman. "There must be something here! Sigma wouldn't have sent me here if there was nothing!"

            "You failed," Saruman growled.

            "You're the one who dropped your house on my agent!" Vile protested, backing away more. "It was your fault!" He primed his shoulder cannon. "And I won't be lectured by a human!"

            "Because of you I…I…I MISSED GOLDEN GIRLS FOR NOTHIIIIING!" Saruman's staff shot out and Vile let out a "gack!" before shrinking and growing fur. When he stopped transforming he was a little black cat with big round white eyes.

            "I always wanted a Foof," said Saruman, sitting down in his throne, quite pleased with himself.

            "O_O" said Vile.

            "So you see," Jeff Probst explained to X, Zero, Fat Chocobo, Mog, the Ghetto Smurfs and Tiesel Bonne, "my actions were merely the result of a desire for ratings."

            "As much as I want to kill you for trying to sacrifice us to something named Chibiplush," X growled, "I will not become a Maverick over this."

            "Good," Probst said, grinning.

            "I want you offa my island," said Fat Chocobo, uncompromisingly. "You and your tornado sirens." The fangirls in question lay sleeping and exhausted around the beach.

            "We have a show to finish," Probst protested.

            "Look buddy," Fat Chocobo lowered his voice. "It is a bad case of lead poisoning that you do not wish to contract!" Probst jumped back meekly.

            "What I don't get," said Tiesel, "are those French weirdoes. One thinks he's Jaques Chirac, and the other won't even tell us his last name. They do keep babbling on and on about an 'agent' though."

            "We've had enough of that," Zero groaned, "what with Mavericks and their Inquisition."

            "How 'bout dat shiznit?" Pimp Daddy Smurf asked. "I woulda never expected that!"

            "I know," Probst joined in. "It's almost as crazy as me working for the French."

            A hush fell over the crowd. "It's you?" Tiesel asked, unbelieving.

            "I must admit, I thought I had you when the Chibiplush mission was set," Probst said, grinning all the way. "But then you escaped. That was a major setback."

            "You were planning to sacrifice us!" X said, tensing for a fight.

            "Yep!" Suddenly Jeff Probst shot out his arms and a shockwave of power floored all his opponents. "I have to erase all the forces of light. Once that's done, this island will become the new base of darkness in the world! And Plothole 883 allowed me to be the French agent without the French knowing I was filming a show on their land, hence the mystery of it all! So you see," he said to Fat Chocobo, "this place does have a purpose." A metamorphosis took the reality show host, and he shape shifted from an average human with a big smile to a dark-skinned man with long white hair and a white leather outfit.

            "Not you!" Mog squeaked in horror.

            "Yes, me," said Ansem, grinning malevolently. "That fool Probst was more than willing to allow me to posses him, if it meant he'd get ratings. As it stood his career didn't go so well but hey, any darkness is good darkness, I always say!" The seeker of darkness threw back his head and laughed, levitating his helpless prisoners into the air. "Come! To the Altar of ^_^! There I will destroy the only obstacles remaining between me and ultimate darkness! Muhahaha…mwahaha…WAAHAHAHA!"

            SHRIEEEEEEEEEEK!

            Unfortunately for the mighty wizard, he had forgotten who was in the peanut gallery. Ansem barely had time to let his eyes grow wide before the fangirls, jolted awake by the essence of a nearby bishounen, rushed him and broke his power with ruthless glomps. "No!" he yelled. "No, this can't be! Not this….NOT THIS! AHHHH!" As the fangirls hauled Ansem away, his would-be victims couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him.

            "Well, all's well that ends well, right?" Zero asked with a grin, scooping up an opened Sprite bottle and relaxing on the beach.

            "Indeed so," said X, sitting down next to him.

            "What are you just sitting around for?" said Tron Bonne, approaching from the dock. Behind her, aboard Charles de Gaulle, Chirac and Louis shouted threats while being duct taped by Servbots. The Servbots with Tron, however, were decked out in glittering suits with afro wigs. "It's time to party!"

            "All right!" Zero got right back up, getting sand all over X. "Nothing wrong with a party!"

            "Yes, I think it right to celebrate my newly claimed island," said Fat Chocobo, grinning at the deed he'd gotten Chirac to sign, albeit with Servbots threatening to make him swim home otherwise. "Cousin Moggy, start the music!"

            "One thing does bother me, though," Tron admitted. "Whatever happened to that poor train?"

            "Thomas the Tank Engine?" X shrugged. "Wherever he is, I'm sure he'll be just fine. This may even have been a growing experience for him."

            "OH YEAH!" whooped Thomas the Tank, rolling out of the remodeling facility. "Step to this now, James! Step to this!" It seemed that he had finally come of age. "Muhahah…mwahahaha...WAAAHAHAHAHHAHAAAAA!"