Hey.
Here's a FFVIII fic for ya.
I was bored, so I wrote it.
No other reasoning behind it.
Man it's hot.
My skin is sticking to my blow-up chair.
I'm having WAY too many random thoughts today.
I could go for a cheeseburger…
STOP IT!
~ Wannon-chan ~
Note: (Zell-Squall = Zell in Squall's body. Squall-Zell = Squall in Zell's body)
Hot Dogs and a Mischievous Imp
Zell Dincht stretched luxuriantly in his bed in Balamb Garden. Stifling a yawn, he got up and had a quick shower. This time…I'm gonna make it! He thought excitedly. He dried and dressed himself, and began the short sprint to the cafeteria. He halted abruptly at the counter and opened his mouth to speak. The cafeteria lady looked at him sadly.
"Sorry…no more hot dogs today" she said. Zell slumped his shoulders in defeat.
"Aw, damn!" he cursed. The cafeteria lady chuckled merrily.
"But it was Squall that got the last hot dog…go ask him for some, or something. He's right over there" she said. Zell's eyes followed her finger, and he saw Squall about to finish off the hot dog.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Zell yelled, running forwards and diving at Squall in what seemed like slow motion to him. He tackled Squall on his side, knocking him off the cheap cafeteria chairs and onto the linoleum. The brown-haired boy looked up at Zell in surprise, still holding half a hot dog. Zell's mouth began to water.
"!!!" Squall exclaimed. Zell looked at him.
"Three exclamation marks?" the hell does that mean?" he asked.
"…" Squall replied.
"A row of full stops?! Squall, you ain't making no sense here, buddy! Oh, wait…do you have a fetish for punctuation marks, or something?" Zell asked, the hot dog forgotten.
"Zell! Get OFF me!" Squall snapped. Zell looked down and realised he was straddling Squall's waist.
"Oh…sorry!" he squeaked, scrambling off him. The stern-looking SeeD got to his feet, hot dog still in his hand. He looked at it, and raised it to his mouth. Zell's eyes widened.
"Squall!" he exclaimed. The other boy looked at Zell.
"What now, Zell?"
"Uh…can I…have a bite of your hot dog?" he asked, hands clasped in a begging way. Squall sighed. He handed out the hot dog, but as Zell reached for it, the little boy (You know, the one who jogs around the first floor of the Garden) snatched it, and grinned.
"Thanks mister!" he yelled, and sprinted off. Zell stared, open-mouthed.
"Did you just see that?! That little punk stole our hot dog!…ooh, I'm gonna kick his ass!" He snarled, storming off. Squall grabbed him by the back of his shirt.
"There will be no kicking of junior student's asses, Zell" he said calmly. Zell sank to his knees.
"But…but…you know how long I've wanted one of those hot dogs!…I was SO close…" he whispered. Squall sighed.
"Zell…get over it, they're just hot dogs" he said scornfully. Zell became enraged.
"JUST HOT DOGS?! I'd like to see you switch places with me for a day, you'll see how important those hot dogs are to me!" Zell snapped, storming off, leaving Squall staring after him in shock.
"…!!!???" Squall said. Nobody answered, they just looked at him funny.
"(…Was it something I said?)" he thought. Nobody answered again, this time because no one was looking at the box above his head.
~ * ~
High above the cafeteria, a little Imp sat. Now this was not your regular Imp, oh no…this one had special powers. Not your regular special powers, though, oh no. This Imp had the ability to screw around with people's lives, and had actually devoted it's own life to doing so, oh yes.
Now this Imp was sitting there for a while, and it heard the whole conversation between Squall and Zell. What Zell had said got this little miniscule-minded Imp thinking. Switch bodies for day. Make funny. Good laugh. It thought. It's eyes widened in surprise as it realised that it had just had the most amount of thoughts in a row that it had ever had before. Me smart! It praised itself. Then it went about switching Zell and Squall into each other's bodies. Done good. Good Imp. Go watch now. It thought. The Imp floated down to the cafeteria floor, and rushed over to where Squall was standing. Why not working? It thought. Boy no falling over!
The Imp began to push at Squall's leg, to make him fall over. Squall looked down at the Imp in shock.
"…Whatever" he said to the Imp. The Imp bit his leg.
"…Ouch" Squall commented. He fell over. Good! Working now! The Imp thought gleefully, as he looked at the unconscious boy. It cackled evilly, and ran off to find Zell.
~ * ~
Zell was storming around the first floor of the Garden, waiting for that punk kid to show his face. But before he found the kid, he found an Imp…or, an Imp found him…I'm not sure. The hell's an Imp doing loose? Zell pondered. The Imp kicked his leg.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he asked it, before he felt extremely dizzy.
"Uhhh…" Zell said, before he passed out.
Good. Both boys falling over. Work done. The Imp thought, before being squished by a wheelchair-bound student.
"Zell!" The boy in the wheelchair cried. "Zell, are you okay?" he asked. He got no response. He wheeled himself quickly to Dr Kadowaki's infirmary, and began babbling to her.
"Slow down, Alex…one word at a time" The doctor said. Alex sighed, and grabbed her hand, leading her to Zell.
"Oh my! Zell!…poor dear" she said, scooping him up and carrying him back to the infirmary. She found Seifer there, Squall in his arms.
"Chicken-wuss too?" he asked, nodding towards the unconscious form in her arms. Kadowaki nodded somberly.
"Yes, Seifer, Zell too. Where did you find Squall?" she asked. She knew better than to question why Seifer brought Squall here. He would have just replied;
"Just be happy that I did bring him here, doctor"
Seifer blushed.
"Uh…he was in the cafeteria…he has a bite mark on his leg…looks like he was bitten by some rouge monster" he said. Alex wheeled himself up to Seifer.
"There was an Imp loose! It was by Zell when I found him like that!" he said, pointing to Zell. Kadowaki placed Zell's body on the bed, and pulled out another bed for Squall. Seifer somewhat reluctantly put Squall down, and Kadowaki had to stifle a chuckle. She turned to Alex instead.
"Where is this Imp now?" she asked the small boy. He grinned proudly.
"I squished it!" he said. Kadowaki smiled.
"Well, the threat is gone then! Good work, Alex!" she said. The boy smiled.
"I'm gonna go look for more monsters to squash!" he exclaimed.
"Be careful…" Kadowaki warned. Alex saluted, and left.
"Will they be okay, doctor?" Seifer asked, a hint of concern shining through his defenses. Kadowaki nodded.
"They'll be fine, Seifer" she said. He let a smile slip through, but quickly replaced it with his usual sneer.
"Good. I need Squall and Chicken-wuss for entertainment" he said, before leaving. Kadowaki sighed. Why can't he just admit it? She thought. She looked at the wound on Squall's leg, and grabbed a Hi-Potion, pouring it over the wound, which healed quickly. She checked Zell for any wounds, but found none.
Something strange is going on here…she mused.
Squall began to moan softly as he regained consciousness. Kadowaki rushed to his side, as he opened his eyes.
"…Where the hell am I?" he asked. Kadowaki frowned. Squall was acting very un-Squall-like.
"In the infirmary Squall" she replied. The youth's eyes widened.
"Squall? Doctor Kadowaki…you need glasses! I'm Zell!" he exclaimed. Doctor Kadowaki clucked.
"Oh dear…something's wrong" she muttered to herself. Zell began to awaken on the other bed, and the doctor went to check on him.
"How are you feeling, Zell?" she asked.
"I'm feeling fine…but you're looking at…ME?!" Zell-Squall exclaimed, catching a glimpse of himself on the bed opposite him. Squall-Zell gasped, as he looked at his body.
"Oh my god…I'm in Zell's body!" he exclaimed.
"And I'm in Squall's body!…hey, cool! I've always wanted hair like this…" Zell-Squall exclaimed, running a hand through 'his' hair. Squall-Zell put his head in his hands.
"I can't believe this…" he muttered.
Doctor Kadowaki just gaped at the pair.
"Neither can I, Zell-I mean, Squall…this is too weird…" she said.
Squall-Zell looked at her plaintively.
"Is there anything you can do?" he asked. Kadowaki shrugged.
"I'm afraid not…unless…" she began, trailing off.
"Unless what?" Zell-Squall queried.
"Unless you'd be willing to go to Esthar…I'm sure Doctor Odine would be able to reverse it" she said. A pained look came across Squall-Zell's face.
"Oh, man…that means I'd have to see my dad!" he said. Zell-Squall laughed.
"That's gonna be funny cos I'm in your body and he'll think I'm your son and – oh no…" he said, as he realised what he just said. Squall-Zell nodded.
"Yeah, no matter how many times we tell him, he probably won't understand that I'm his son and you're not"
"Are you saying you're not going?" Kadowaki asked. Squall-Zell looked up in shock.
"What? And stay in this body?! Not likely. I'm going!" he said. Zell-Squall screwed his temporary face up in anger.
"You sayin' you don't like my body?!" he exclaimed, leaping off the bed. Squall-Zell sighed.
"Yes Zell, that's what I'm saying" he replied, as he too removed himself from the bed. Kadowaki laughed as Squall's body did a perfect impression of a Zell anger stance, as Zell's body did a perfect impression of a Squall 'I'm not impressed' stance.
"YOU BETTER TAKE THAT BACK!" Zell-Squall yelled. Squall-Zell just stared up at him, and waved a hand.
"…Whatever" he said. Kadowaki interrupted the two.
"Guys, we gotta ship you two off to Esthar as soon as possible. I'll radio your father, Squall, and attempt to explain the situation…actually, I think I'd better tell Kiros. You go up to the bridge and call your comrades, they'll come with you" she said. Squall-Zell nodded, and he and Zell-Squall left.
"Hoo boy, just when I think I've seen it all, this has to happen…" Kadowaki said to herself, before going to contact Kiros in Esthar's Presidential Palace.
~ * ~
Squall-Zell and Zell-Squall took the elevator to the third floor, and then another to the bridge. Xu and Quistis were talking to Nida up there, and smiled when they saw Squall and Zell.
"Hi Squall, hi Zell" they said.
"Hey" Squall and Zell replied. Squall-Zell looked at Nida.
"Nida, can you turn on the speakers? I have an announcement" he said. Nida's eyes widened.
"Jeez, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear you were Squall, Zell" he said. He received a smile.
"I am Squall. There's no time to explain it in full now, but I've somehow switched bodies with Zell" he said. Everyone's jaws dropped.
"You're kidding, right?" Quistis queried. Squall-Zell shook his head.
"No, I'm serious" he said. Quistis didn't seem convinced. She looked thoughtful for a moment, then spoke.
"Chicken-wuss" she said. Zell-Squall reacted immediately, clenching his fists and shaking with rage.
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" he yelled. Quistis giggled.
"Well, that proves it…" she said. Nida nodded and turned the speakers on.
"This is Squall. Can Selphie, Rinoa, and Irvine please come up to the bridge right now? It's urgent" he said. Nida cut the mic.
The aforementioned party members arrived at the bridge a few minutes later.
"What's urgent?" Selphie asked. Quistis giggled.
"It's when something is really important, and has to be taken care of right away" she said. Selphie pouted.
"Quisty! That was mean! You know what I meant…" she exclaimed. Quistis nodded.
"Sorry Selphie, I couldn't help myself" she said. Squall-Zell spoke up.
"Okay. Quistis, Rinoa, Selphie, Irvine, Zell and myself will be going to Esthar as soon as possible…" he began, trailing off when he saw the strange looks he was receiving.
"What?" he asked. Rinoa laughed.
"You said 'Zell and myself' that's what" she said. Squall-Zell shrugged.
"So?" he asked. Rinoa looked shocked.
"Zell! You ARE Zell!" she said. Squall-Zell blushed.
"Wait. I forgot a very important piece of information…Zell and I have switched bodies somehow…so I am Squall, in Zell's body, and he is Zell, in my body" Squall-Zell said. The new arrivals gasped and giggled.
"Really?! Wow, that is SO weird!" Selphie exclaimed. "So why are we going to Esthar?"
Zell-Squall decided to answer this question.
"Well, we're gonna go see Doc. Odine, hopefully he can switch us back" he said. Selphie whooped.
"Does this mean we get to see Sir Laguna, Squall?!" she asked. Squall-Zell nodded.
"Yeah…" he said.
"WOO-HOO!" Selphie cheered. "HE'S SO COOL!"
"(Cool…hmm, I was thinking more along the lines of a moron…or a bumbling clown…)" Squall-Zell thought. Selphie gasped as she read the box of thoughts over his head.
"Squall! How dare you think such things about your dad?!" she exclaimed.
"…Whatever" he replied. "Let's get going, I can't take much more of this…" he said.
"To the Ragnarok!" Selphie exclaimed. The all piled out of the Garden, and into the Ragnarok.
"To Esthar!" Selphie exclaimed, pointing forwards.
"Uh, Selphie? You're driving, and Esthar's THAT way" Zell-Squall said, pointing left.
"Oh. Right" Selphie said, and they departed.
* 20 Minutes later *
"I told you that you should have used the auto pilot!" Zell-Squall complained. Selphie looked indignant.
"I thought I was going the right way!" she exclaimed. Squall-Zell rolled his eyes.
"Selphie, the more time you spend fart-assing around, the less time you'll have to make unintelligent conversation with my dad" he said. Selphie looked shocked.
"You're right! Let's go!…this time, with auto pilot!" she whooped.
* 5 minutes later *
"Squall! Oh, how I've missed my boy!" President Laguna Loire of Esthar cried, as he ran towards Squall…or at least who he thought was Squall.
"Whoa!" the president cried, as he tripped over his untied shoelace. Selphie caught him with a grin.
"Very dignified, Sir Laguna!" she said with a giggle. Laguna grinned goofily.
"Thanks! I always try so hard to pull off dignity…but I end up on my ass, or in your arms!" he joked.
"True…we have a long history of this kinda thing, huh?" she giggled. He nodded as he got to his feet.
"Dignified…" he told himself. He walked over to 'Squall' with a smile.
"How's my baby boy?" he asked Squall's body.
"I'm fine, dad…" Squall-Zell said. Laguna looked at who he thought was Zell with an extremely puzzled expression. That expression quickly changed to a broad grin.
"Oh! I get it!…good one, Zell!" he said, breaking into fits of laughter. Everyone else was silent.
"Uh, dad? I'm serious. I'm Squall." He said. Laguna stopped laughing, and looked at his son.
"But…my, Squall…you sure do look like Zell!" he said. Squall-Zell nodded.
"Something very strange happened to Zell and I, dad…you remember how I was in your head? Well, it's kinda the same, only now my mind is in Zell's body, and Zell's mind is in my body" he explained. Laguna nodded thoughtfully.
"Oh, yes. I remember now, Kiros told me all about it. I must have forgotten. Doctor Odine said for me to take you both to his lab." He said. Kiros and Ward entered.
"The car is ready, Laguna" Kiros said.
"……." Ward said.
"He said to make sure your shoelaces are tied before you leave, Laguna" Kiros translated.
"I can understand him perfectly!" Laguna protested. Kiros smiled.
"I know…but they can't" he said. Laguna scratched his head in embarrassment.
"Well, whatever. Let's go!" Laguna replied.
"WOO-HOO!" Selphie exclaimed. They all got into the large car waiting outside the Presidential Palace, and went to Odine's lab.
~ * ~
"So zat iz how it vill be done, okay?" Odine said, gesturing to the machine in front of them. There were two helmets, and a cord attaching the helmets to a machine.
"You must make sure zat nothing interferes vith ze process, or it vill be disastrous!" Odine exclaimed. Everyone nodded, and Squall-Zell and Zell-Squall placed the helmets on their heads. Laguna occupied himself with making Kiros make him a hot dog. Finally everyone was ready, and in their places.
"Iz everybody ready?" Odine asked. He received nods, and flipped the switch. Laguna took a bite of his freshly-made hot dog, but the slippery wiener slipped out of the bun, and flew towards Zell-Squall.
"Zell! Duck!" Selphie yelled. Zell didn't have to be told twice. He ducked quickly, and the wiener flew right under the helmet as the mind-switching took place.
"NO!" cried Odine. The wiener fell to the floor.
"It's still good!" Laguna exclaimed, rushing forwards and grabbing the wiener. He raised it to his mouth…
"STOP! No, Laguna! That iz your son!" he yelled. Laguna looked at the wiener.
"My son is a wiener?" he asked softly. Odine nodded. He pointed to the limp form of Zell's body.
"That boy's body now has ze mind of a wiener" he said. Selphie giggled.
"Zell! I always knew you had a wiener for a brain!" she giggled. Zell-Squall shot her a venomous look. Odine continued.
"And your son's mind is in zat wiener" he said. Laguna whimpered.
"But I'm hungry…" he said. Odine snatched the wiener from Laguna.
"Hey! give that back!" Laguna ordered. Odine jumped up and down angrily.
"You vant to go outside? You vant to fisticuffs?" he snapped. Laguna backed off.
"Fine…you keep the wiener" he said.
"This wiener iz your son!" he yelled.
"Well change him back so I can eat the wiener!" Laguna retorted. Odine sighed.
"Okay. I vill change your son back" he said. He placed the wiener in the helmet, and the other helmet on Zell's body's head. He then flipped the switch. Zell's body stood up abruptly, now obviously having Squall's mind back in it. He glared angrily at Laguna.
"Dad! I can't believe you were going to eat me!" he snapped. Laguna shrugged.
"I was hungry!" he said. Squall-Zell sighed.
"Fine. Let's get this over with" he said. Zell-Squall stepped under the other helmet, after Laguna had removed the wiener.
"Ah, hot dog!" he exclaimed. Odine shook his head, and flipped the switch. The minds switched back into the right bodies without a hitch, or a wiener. (Laguna had demolished it)
Squall sighed.
"It's great to be back in my own body…" he said with a smile. Zell grinned at him.
"I gotta admit, as much as I liked being in your body…I'm happy to be back!" he said. Quistis raised an eyebrow.
"What have you learned from all this, Squall?" she asked. Squall shuddered.
"That I can no longer look at a wiener…" he said.
~ * ~
And he never could…let's just say that President Laguna is now forking out millions for his son's wiener therapy.
Squall had contracted wienerphobia (an extreme fear of wieners) and needed the therapy desperately. What didn't help was Zell's sudden influx of luck with getting hot dogs, so now Squall's dreams were plagued with walking, talking wieners. Sometimes they even had Zell tattoos...
The End.
Hehe, oh the hot dogs!
I made Laguna too stupid! He's too good for that! Oh well, it made it funny…
~ Wannon-chan ~