A/N: An attempt to emulate the style of the film…

Unsated

The movie "The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie" (English translation of the French title) was a surreal film that was a series of scenes of a group NOT having a meal together. Scenes, dream sequences, dreams within dreams...you really just had to give up figuring it out and go with the ride. It seems to me they missed out on a few more opportunities to not eat...

Monday

"Ah, here is the limo now" Henri Sénéchal said with just a trace of impatience.

"Perhaps there was traffic" his wife Alice suggested. "Just because it carries the flag of the Republic of Miranda doesn't mean everyone will get out of its way. People can be so disrespectful." The car rolled to a stop at the curb where they stood. It was early afternoon, and the couple waited until the chauffeur came around and opened a door to the passenger area.

"Henri, Alice, come inside" a voice beckoned. Alice stooped and took a step inside the vehicle. Rafael Acosta, the ambassador to Miranda waved them in. "Please, sit over here on the bench seat." Henri followed his wife in and sat down beside her on Rafael's bench.

Across the way on a smaller bench seat sat Francois Thévenot and his wife Simone. "Still playing the revolutionary, eh Henri?" Francois teased as he played with his tie while nodding at the younger man's bright neckwear.

"What can I say, I have an open mind" he said. Simone's sister Florence giggled from her small jump seat opposite the door.

"Now that we're all here, has he said where we're going yet?" Alice asked the group, although in truth it was aimed more at Rafael than anyone. "Where have you told the driver to take us to dinner?"

"Still a surprise, my dear. I haven't been there myself, but it comes highly recommended. I would not consider anything less for my good friends. In the meantime, have a drink from the bar." Rafael opened a cabinet and started pouring glasses of a red wind. "A toast to an enjoyable evening. Drink up, the taxpayers are paying for it."

In less than a half hour the limo pulled up under an awning of a low building. The chauffeur turned off the vehicle and exited, to reappear at the passenger door and open it, waiting patiently.

"Public service does have its privileges" Rafael chuckled, stroking his beard. He exited first, led the way down a walk to the main entrance. When the group had gathered, he explained that they were dining in an exclusive club and would be the only guests tonight. "I have connections, and although the club is normally closed on Tuesdays I have obtained the facilities for tonight. Follow me please." He opened the door and strode inside, leading the way down a corridor. He read room numbers on the doors until he came to 321 and entered the room after opening the door.

"Very modern décor" Simone observed as she stepped to one side after entering. The lighting came from recessed panels in the ceiling, and most of the room consisted of smooth surfaces and closed panels. Six one-piece chairs were spaced around the rectangular table; Simone leaned on one and found it was attached to the floor.

The door closed behind them and a door on the opposite end opened to admit a man who must have been the head waiter. "Thank you for coming; we are sure you find your dining experience tonight to be unique. My name is Jacques…"

"Why are they always named Jacques?" Alice asked Henri with a smile.

"…and I will be your host for tonight. Excuse me Mademoiselle, no smoking if you please." Florence quickly put out her cigarette she had just lit. "Thank you. If you would take your seats, we shall begin the evening."

The friends arranged themselves around the table. Jacques announced that a special coffee would precede the meal and brought out a tray from which he delivered small cups to each guest. "I suggest you wait approximately three minutes before drinking, to allow the coffee time to cool to the perfect temperature" he noted, and disappeared back through the serving door.

Francois shook his head of gray hair. "Three minutes? What difference does that make?"

"How do you know it doesn't my dear?" Simone asked. "Let's just wait a few minutes and try."

Before the three minutes were up, a vibration began in the floor and soon the room shook for several seconds. A red light began flashing on the wall and their ears popped.

"What was that?" Henri exclaimed. "An earthqu…" he started to guess but was cut off as the objects on the table started to float up into the air. The guests also started to lift out of their chairs as they tried to hold themselves down by gripping the seat cushion or table.

Their astonishment was interrupted by an announcement over a hidden speaker.

Temporary loss of artificial gravity. Air loss detected in dining and sleeping areas.

"Air loss?" Rafael yelled. "In a restaurant?" The coffee in the cups was now exiting their containers and the small globules of brown liquid drifted toward the wall. In several spots the coffee landed and disappeared through what must have been small holes. Another announcement warned them

Artificial gravity to resume in five seconds.

In the allotted time objects fell back to the floor. "We must plug the holes!" Henri ordered. He looked around for something. "The rolls!" He grabbed one and hurried over to where a brown spot remained on the wall. He pushed the bread against spot, but it fell when he released it. He returned it and held it tight. "Plug the holes everyone!"

Everyone grabbed a roll and ran to plug a hole. After a short time an announcement informed them

Air loss stopped. Remain at emergency posts until return to base.

Alice looked outside the window she stood beside. A starry tableau stretched out before her, with the earth shining below as South America slid past. A figure in a space suit with a large cross painted on the front floated by as it moved upward. "I do believe that was Monsignor Dufour" she gasped.

"Probably on the way to lick God's boots" Rafael grumbled, never a fan of the church. Francois started to nibble the roll he was holding against the wall. "Don't do that, do you want to kill us all?" roared the ambassador. "Stop thinking of your stomach!"

…

Tuesday

The noise level of the restaurant was quite high; all the tables were occupied, with very few empty chairs in the room. Two of the empty chairs were now being claimed by Henri and Alice as they arrived at the table.

"It seems quite popular; that can't be a bad sign" Simone was saying to her sister Florence.

"No, and it's not like the busy you get when a place first opens; they've been here for almost a year" she answered. "It may be the first time for us, but I'm sure at least some must be return guests."

"I've already recognized two people I know" Rafael said after lowering his menu. "But they are standoffish and I would never speak with anyone of their type."

"I guess we should count ourselves fortunate then" Francois said with a deadpan look "to not be counted among the neglected. Or at least we won't be neglected if the person approaching is our waiter."

A thin young man walked up to their table. "Hello, my name is Jacques…"

Alice rolled her eyes but said nothing.

"…and I will be serving you tonight. May I start you off with drinks?" he asked the six friends.

"What do you recommend?" Florence asked. "I'd like something dry."

"An empty glass would do the trick" Simone said under her breath, with a brief giggle.

"Interesting you should ask about something dry" Jacques said as he addressed the table "for it reminds me of something that happened to me a few years ago. I was younger then…"

Thirty minutes later Jacques concluded "…and that is all I have to say on the matter of elephants. Now, may I take your drink orders starting with…"

The rest of his question was interrupted as the group and everyone in the dining area were doused by water from the ceiling's fire sprinklers. Water glasses became refilled for the first time at most of the tables, and all candles smoked as they were put out.

A fire marshal that looked suspiciously like Monsignor Dufour entered the dining area from the kitchen doorway and announced that all patrons would have to leave immediately due to existing fire laws. The six friends joined the mass exodus of drenched people out the front door.

"I still wonder if the food is any good" Simone wondered.

…

Wednesday

"So the theme of the restaurant is television?" Francois said, looking around the room. The six sat in comfortably stuffed reclining chairs facing each other in a circle while the room's walls had televisions lining them. News, children's shows and sports competed with music videos and movies; a few different test patterns were even visible.

"Not so much television, but about television and food" Henri answered. "I read about it in the paper, and it sounded so unusual I thought we should give it a try." He had to raise his voice to be heard over the various screens. On one, Monsignor Dufour was starting to give a sermon.

"But where are the menus?" Simone asked as she sipped her wine.

"There aren't any. Our dinner will be a mystery until we get it." As if on cue, a parade of servers approached with a folding tray in one hand and a platter in the other. With practiced skill they opened the tray with a flourish in front of each guest, and set down the platter on top along with a service set. They clapped twice, turning on an overhead light and filed away.

The friends looked down on their meals. Each platter was covered in aluminum foil. Bravely, Rafael pulled the foil off his platter, revealing Salisbury steak, mashed potatoes, corn and something that may have been a dessert.

The other's entrees varied. Alice ended up with fried chicken, Henri had liver and onions, Simone had a corn dog, Francois got ham and Florence got pizza.

"I want what Simone has" Francois declared.

"I'll trade you my dessert for your potatoes" Rafael offered to Henri.

As they were busy negotiating portions, the servers returned and took up all the meals. "I am sorry, but the restaurant has just been notified that the health department has declared a food recall on all our meals due to a factory violation. Feel free to drink and watch television, and we will post a notice when we have been cleared to serve food again."

"I hope the wine was okay to drink" someone said.

…

Thursday

The six friends stood in the restaurant lobby as the seating manager spoke. "Thank you for coming to Dîner Noir this evening. As you may know, you will be dining in complete darkness. It is our belief that by eliminating your sense of sight, your other senses including taste will be enhanced. To compliment the experience our servers are blind; do not worry, they are fully trained to navigate around the dining area as long as you remain in your seats. I ask you now to please place your right hand on the right shoulder of the person in front of you and follow me to your table.

Seated at their table in the dark, the friends waited while exchanging small talk and wondering what the experience would be like. A sound of a small tinkling bell made it's way closer to their table, and stopped when a voice spoke. "Hello, my name is Gérard..."

Finally, thought Alice.

"...but everyone calls me Jacques. I'm the newest waiter here, but I look forward" he said, laughing at his joke "to serving you. You'll find that our culinary offerings are geared towards dark dining, so any soups or foods will be relatively solid with a minimum of broth or sauce. May I take your drink orders from our individual bottled offerings?"

The group ordered and their server left, his bell becoming fainter as he made his way to the kitchen with only one "excuse me" as he moved away.

"Perhaps you and I can get together after dinner for some quality time" Rafael spoke quietly to his right while patting the leg of his dining companion.

"If you want to set up a business meeting, call my office" Francois said gruffly "otherwise take your hand off my leg and try your other side."

"Do you suppose blind diners eat here?" pondered Simone. "I mean, they couldn't tell the difference, right?"

"We certainly couldn't tell if they were blind or not. What I wouldn't give for a match, though" Florence bemoaned.

"To light a cigarette? They wouldn't allow smoking in here" Alice stated.

"Not to smoke, I think I dropped my fork and I can't feel it anywhere."

"That's no fork" Henri informed her.

The hunt for the missing fork was interrupted by a siren from outside, its wailing growing louder until it seemed to stop outside the restaurant. The patrons quieted for a few moments, then starting talking again wondering what could have happened outside. At last the lights slowly came up to reveal the entire staff standing outside the door to the kitchen.

The seating manager spoke. "I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen, but there has been an accident. Our newest waiter got confused and wandered out into the alley where he was struck and killed by a delivery truck. In observance of his passing, I'm afraid the restaurant is closed for the evening. On your way out, please leave contact information so that we may reschedule your evening at a more joyous time.

After they emerged from the restaurant, Rafael looked down the alley and saw a familiar priest providing last rites to the late Gérard aka Jacques.

…

Friday

"Such a magnificent setting!" Rafael gawked. "Hand-carved tables and chairs, polished silver sets, high-quality linen napkins! Our embassy should be so well appointed." He marveled at the superb workmanship, visible even in the lower light of the room.

"Don't drool on your chair cushion, even if it is ornately stitched" Francois warned. "It's unseemly."

"Small, private, and the table is already set. The food just has to be wonderful" Simone gushed. "It reminds me of summers at my uncle's chateau."

"Well, let's sit down" Henri suggested. "I haven't seen anyone, perhaps we have to serve ourselves. I can tell you all about a book I'm reading: 'The World Is My Oyster and I Have a Shellfish Allergy' by Jon Pesco."

"Before you begin to enthrall our friends, we have to wait for the last guest" Alice interjected.

"Last guest?" her husband asked.

"Yes, I invited Monsignor Dufour to join us tonight. He hasn't eaten with us since…well…I can't even remember the last time. It would be nice for him to say grace before we touch the food; we wouldn't want to tempt fate."

"Then I shall say it quickly" the Monsignor said as he entered the room. He sat and bowed his head, blessing the food. "Amen" he finished.

"It looks delicious" Florence cooed. She lifted a silver cover and a roasted turkey with full trimmings lay underneath. "I must try a piece." She found a long carving knife and set it against the breast of the bird, only to have it slide off. "Something isn't right."

Meanwhile, the Monsignor had grabbed a large ladle from a soup tureen and was shocked to see it come up as one piece; the ladle wouldn't budge from the solid soup.

Henri wrestled with a bun, finding it hard. He finally managed to create a tear and rend it open to find it only a thin shell. "It's plastic!" he exclaimed.

"It all is!" Rafael yelled.

The lights flashed on just in time for several people to enter, led by a man in a smart suit. "If you plan on hosting the occasional elegant dinner party, you could do no better than the Heritage line. Observe the classic styling, and the workmanship usually seen only in dining sets hundreds of years old."

The couple with the salesman looked over the table and chairs, oblivious to the startled diners.

"It is very nice, I'd have to redecorate the whole main floor to match" the woman said.

"It's a little out of our range I'm afraid" the man said. "Do you have something a little less…heirloom quality?"

"I think I have something that you'll just love and it's very affordable. Follow me into the next showroom and I'll introduce you to the Family Treasure collection." The three left the room, leaving the friends alone.

"I don't want furniture, I want food" Florence cried.

The End

A/N: I told you the movie was surreal, so I thought a few more failed attempts to eat would fit in nicely. Since most of the movie's dining scenes were independent, these could fit in anywhere in the film.