Happy Tax Day! Okay, I know those three words should never go together in a sentence but here in Canada, taxes are due today. And while I'd like to give you all a refund (hell, I'd like one myself as well), I can't. So I'm releasing my next one-shot early to hopefully bring a smile to your face. I'll start posting Numbskull 29 on May 1st.

This one shot takes place after Envious 28 and refers to events in that book. It will not make sense unless you have read Envious 28 first. Like my other stories, it is fan fiction. No money has changed hands and the characters are owned by Janet Evanovich. Any resemblance of characters or events to real life is unfortunate and entirely coincidental. I hope you enjoy it.

~ Sarah ~

Altercation at Giovichinni's 28.3 – A Decimal Number One-Shot

Ma and I were shopping at Giovichinni's, as was our usual practice every Monday morning. Frank liked their veal, and I thought I'd make veal parmesan for dinner. We hadn't had that in a while, and I knew Frank would appreciate it.

Ma was talking about Stephanie and Ranger coming for dinner the night before. Steph had told us the story where her friend, Mary Lou, had been kidnapped, and Stephanie had rescued her. My heart still stuttered in fear. Why couldn't she get a nice, safe job?

"I would have liked to have been kidnapped to become a 'ho", said my mother. "I would have been a good 'ho."

Good grief. I stopped listening to my mother.

Stephanie had always been the kind of kid who ran head-long into trouble. If she was climbing a tree, she would be the only one to fall. If she was playing double-dutch, she'd be the one that would get her feet tangled in the jump rope and would skin her knees. She was the one that would lick the cold metal soccer posts in the middle of winter. She was the one jumping off the roof of the house pretending she was Wonder Woman. I was forever patching her up as a child, and I was still patching her up as an adult. She was always getting into one scrape or another. Every time the phone rang I was afraid it was the hospital calling to tell me that she'd died.

I loved her so much. I didn't understand her, but I loved her. She had so much life, so much love, in her. Her ability to color outside the lines was something that I wished I had a little more of. She was vivacious and funny and had the biggest heart of anyone I'd ever met. She was special to me. I just didn't want anything to happen to her.

Valerie was special to me as well, but she was settled. She had her husband and her kids. She had her job and her house. I understood Val. She was content with where she was in life. She was where I was when my kids were young. The only difference was that I hadn't been blessed with as many kids.

But Steph? I didn't perceive that she was settled. She lived on her own and, although she seemed happier than I thought I had ever seen her, she didn't yet have anything in her life. She was going out with Ranger, and that was good. But Ranger wasn't a permanent solution. He lived in an office building, for goodness sakes! He was a father but his daughter lived in Florida. What kind of father never saw his daughter? How could Steph be a stepmother if she never saw her stepdaughter?

She needed to build connections, lasting connections that would always be there in her life. I thought she was doing that with Joe, but for whatever reason that didn't work out. I knew that she was dedicated to her hamster, but Rex wouldn't be around for forever. He wouldn't laugh with her when she was happy, or cry with her when she was sad, or take care of her when she was sick. She had friends, but I've found that friends moved on without you. They got involved with their own connections.

Mary Lou had always been there for her before, but I wasn't sure if she would be there for her now. Mary Lou had decided to leave her husband and had been living in Stephanie's apartment. She had thought that her life wasn't exciting enough, so she decided to take over Steph's life. I didn't know how to tell her that excitement was overrated.

When she was there, Mary Lou had been abducted and taken down to a place on Stark Street. The pimp who had taken her wanted to turn her into a prostitute. That's what he wanted to do with Stephanie as well. I was glad that Stephanie wasn't the person taken right away. Ranger might not have known that she was in trouble and wouldn't be able to protect her. Stephanie had told me that Ranger would always be there for her, and I tried to tell her that he wouldn't always be there. After all, it wasn't like he had implanted a tracking device in her. He wasn't Batman.

So Mary Lou decided to enliven her life and she got a little more than she could chew. But Stephanie saved her, and Ranger and his team saved Stephanie. I was glad that they had all made it out of there without bloodshed.

I sighed. It was another close call for Steph. How many close calls could she have before she was hurt irreparably?

I took the package of veal from the butcher and put it in my cart. I just had to get a pound of ham and a pound of turkey, and then I was done. I walked over to the deli counter as I half-listened to my mother. I think she was talking about Stephanie talking the pimp down, confusing the heck out of him, and disarming him. My heart stopped in fear just thinking about it. Thank God she was alright. I crossed myself in gratitude.

I really wished that she'd quit her job and stay at home and have kids. I didn't care whether she had them with Ranger or with Joe, but I wished she'd have them. They would force her to stop putting herself into danger. Why did she have to go into the negotiation with the pimp? Why couldn't she have let Ranger or Joe confront him?

And why did Ranger let her go into the negotiations with the pimp anyway? I know he said that he put a bulletproof jacket on her, but she could have been so much more hurt than she was. I blew out a breath. She was my Stephanie.

Sometimes, I got so mad at her I could shake her. It was so simple. Get married. Have kids. Let your husband support you. Why did she want more? I never wanted more. Valerie never wanted more.

Stephanie always wanted more. She was too interested in life, too ready to sample all that life had to offer. She jumped head-long into things and she didn't always think about things before she jumped.

Mrs. Molnar, Mary Lou's mother, approached me as I was accepting the sliced ham from the person working the deli counter. "You!" she said. She took the package of ham from the person serving me and whipped it across the store. "Your daughter almost got my daughter killed."

"My daughter?" I said. A wave of anger washed over me. Stephanie may always get into trouble, but she never intended to get others into it. She was protective and kind and honorable. She would never have gotten Mary Lou in trouble purposely. "If your daughter hadn't been so unhappy in her marriage she wouldn't be looking for excitement in her life. She wouldn't be looking at Steph's life and wishing she could live it."

"Stephanie talks about her life as though it was the golden life, and my daughter was attracted to that like the pious are tempted by the devil. Your daughter put Mary Lou in danger!"

"Are you calling my daughter the devil?" My face turned red as I got into Mrs. Molnar's face. "Stephanie is a warm and caring person who has a warm and caring person for her boyfriend. I can't help it if your daughter is married to an inebriated asshole who thinks that gender equality means he picks up the kids to hand to Mary Lou when the diapers need changed. Stephanie would do anything for another person, even help her best friend realize that she was happiest at home. She took Mary Lou in and let her stay in her apartment out of the kindness of her heart, and she took her out on one of her captures, a capture in which Mary Lou didn't listen to Steph and blinded her as a result." I stepped back. I didn't want to hit the woman – or at least I didn't with so many witnesses around.

"My daughter did nothing wrong."

"Mary Lou blinded Stephanie and she shot a toddler in the face with pepper spray."

"Stephanie got her abducted."

"No, she didn't. The pimp got her abducted. Stephanie didn't get her abducted."

"If your daughter wasn't such a screw-up, Mary Lou would never have been put into danger."

And that's when I lost it...

I started to yell. "My daughter is not a screw-up. She provides a valuable service to society and puts herself in danger daily to do so. She is selfless and caring, and your daughter couldn't see that. Your daughter was attracted to the danger and the men, and that is very shallow."

Mrs. Molnar pushed me hard. "Are you calling my daughter a slut? Your daughter is an airhead, a bimbo who likes to break up happy homes. She broke up Lenny and Mary Lou. They were happy."

I stared at her in shock. "Stephanie would never break up a home. She isn't cruel. Besides, Lenny and Mary Lou got back together." I looked at my mother. She was standing, her eyes beady with excitement as she watched the exchange. "Let's go."

My mother looked at me. "Hit her where it hurts", she said, and she mimed me punching Mrs. Molnar.

"Mary Lou could have been killed", said Mrs. Molnar. As I turned to leave, she grabbed ahold of my hair and pulled.

I twisted out of the attack. I had been watching out the window as Stephanie had taught my granddaughters self-defense, and although I hadn't been doing it with them, I had learned some moves. "But she wasn't", I said as I pushed her away from me with a hand on her face. I may or may not have also poked her in the eyes at the same time. "Stephanie was shot point blank to ensure that Mary Lou was alright."

My mother was hopping up and down in excitement. "You tell her, Helen. Go for it."

"Mary Lou has four kids and a husband who loves her. Your daughter has nothing", said Mrs. Molnar. She reached up and grabbed hold of my hair again and yanked.

I was furious. I had thought the same thing from time to time about Stephanie, but she was my daughter. I could think what I liked – but no one else was allowed to question my daughter's lifestyle. I had that right, but they did not. They didn't see what a good person she was, and they didn't question her lifestyle out of love and caring. I socked Mrs. Molnar in the nose and I think I heard the bone crack. Blood started gushing everywhere. My mother looked so proud of me.

Eddie showed up with his partner, Big Dog. "Hey, Aunt Helen. What's going on?"

Before I could answer, my mother said, "it was beautiful, Eddie. Mrs. Molnar was saying that Stephanie was a bitch, called her a devil, and said that she almost got Mary Lou killed. She started to shove Helen around. She was pulling her hair and bitch-slapping her. Out of self-defense, Helen hit her in the face. It wasn't her fault."

"Lies!" said Mrs. Molnar. "Stephanie almost got Mary Lou killed!"

Eddie looked at Mrs. Molnar. "Mary Lou chose to live like a bounty hunter. What happened to her was a direct result of that choice. Stephanie deliberately put herself in danger and took a bullet to her chest to save Mary Lou. I was there, and Stephanie could have been hurt seriously. Luckily she wasn't."

"Mary Lou has a broken rib!" said Mrs. Molnar.

"Ribs heal quickly", I said. Mrs. Molnar rushed me again and punched me in the eye. Eddie got in-between us and broke up the fight just before I started to fight back. It was probably a good thing that he broke it up. I'd had enough and was ready to take her down.

I looked around me. All of the Burg had gathered around and was watching the fight. I think I even saw money change hands.

"Calm down", said Eddie to Mrs. Molnar. "Fighting won't solve anything." Big Dog positioned himself beside Mrs. Molnar, ready to catch her again if she caused another problem.

"I want her charged", said Mrs. Molnar. "She broke my nose."

"From what I can see, it was self-defense, which means that I'd have to charge you as well. Do you really want me to charge you?" said Eddie. "Do you really want to have to explain to your husband or to Mary Lou that you started a fight in Giovichinni's about an event in the past that you cannot change? What happened, happened. Stephanie didn't want it to happen any more than Mary Lou wanted it to happen."

"Stephanie is a screw-up. I told Mary Lou to stay away from her."

Eddie stared at Mrs. Molnar for a moment. "Stephanie is not a screw-up. She provides a valuable service to society. She retrieves criminals who are trying to escape the system by returning them to the courts. In the line of duty she has been stalked, shot, stabbed, kidnapped, firebombed and otherwise put into danger yet, despite that, she continues to do what she does because she believes in it. Without her efforts, criminals would be living in society, sometimes dangerous criminals. Yes, what happened to Mary Lou was traumatic, but for Stephanie it was just another day in her life. I know that Mary Lou was attracted to Stephanie's life, and she got a good eyeful of what Stephanie has to deal with. Stephanie made sure that Mary Lou was returned to safety. She could have just ignored her and let the police storm the place. There would have been a high likelihood that Mary Lou would have been shot though. Stephanie chose to put herself into danger to ensure Mary Lou's safety. You shouldn't be fighting Helen. You should be thanking her for Stephanie's heroism."

"If it wasn't for Stephanie, Mary Lou would never have been in danger."

"Stephanie puts herself into danger every day to protect people like Mary Lou. Mary Lou would never have been put in danger if she hadn't wanted to live Stephanie's life. What she experienced was a typical occurrence for Steph. People like you, people like all of you", he said as he looked around at the crowd, "should thank people like Stephanie for the efforts they make. Because of her efforts, you can go home to your family, knowing that it will be unlikely that crime will affect you. You can live your lives without fear. You can leave your windows unlocked at night and leave your door unlocked during the day. The world would be a much more unsafe place without people like Stephanie in it." He turned to me. "Do you want to charge Mrs. Molnar for assault?" he said. "Remember that, if you do, you'll have to be charged with assault as well."

"No", I said.

Eddie smiled at me, and then turned to Mrs. Molnar. "Do you want to charge Helen for assault, knowing that, if you do, you'll be charged as well?"

Mrs. Molnar looked resentful, but she said that she didn't want to be charged. Eddie smiled at her as I breathed a mental sigh of relief. I didn't want to have to explain to Stephanie why I'd been charged with assault.

"Ladies", said Eddie, "I think you both need to agree to disagree. This argument is over. You are both welcome to your own views, but you need to keep your views to yourself. Mrs. Molnar, the next time you read in the paper that a criminal has been caught by the police and you are horrified with what they have done, remember that people like Stephanie are sent to retrieve them and to make sure they stand trial for their actions. Remember that, without her, there would be thousands of felons walking the streets, often continuing to commit crimes. Remember that you can enjoy the way of life you do because of people like Stephanie doing the job that she does. Helen, people can say whatever they want to say. It doesn't make Stephanie's sacrifice any less. I'm not charging either of you but, if I hear of you fighting again, I will. Do I make myself clear?"

I nodded and looked at my mother. She was looking a little disappointed that the show was over. I looked around the crowd and saw that the other rubberneckers were also looking a little disappointed.

I turned to the woman working the deli counter and ordered another bag of shaved ham, and Big Dog encouraged Mrs. Molnar to leave the area. Eddie walked with me to the cashier, waited until I paid, and walked me out of the store. He helped me load the groceries into the car. My face was red the whole time. I couldn't believe that I had attacked Mrs. Molnar. But I couldn't help myself. She had been running Stephanie down, and that wasn't fair.

As I moved to get into the car, Eddie put his arm around me and gave me a hug. "I couldn't say this inside", he said, "but I would have hit her as well. Stephanie is a good person. I was there when she was protecting Mary Lou, and Mary Lou would have been shot if it wasn't for Stephanie. And what happened to Mary Lou happens all the time to other people. It could have happened to Mary Lou when she was walking down the street. It could have happened to Mary Lou when she was in her house. What happened to Mary Lou unfortunately happens. The pimp that took her abducted about fifteen women in the past five years and got them addicted to drugs before forcing them to act as his hookers. Because of Stephanie, all of those women are now being treated for their drug addictions and have been returned to their families. Because of Stephanie, Mary Lou was not his sixteenth victim. What Stephanie did was not unusual for her. I was serious when I said that Stephanie is a hero and should be recognized as such. You did good, Aunt Helen."

Tears came to my eyes. "She's a special one, isn't she?"

Eddie smiled. "There aren't too many people who are as willing to stare their fear down and do what needs to be done, despite how terrified they feel. You should be proud of Stephanie. She does that every single day."

I didn't know how to tell him, but I was proud of her. I just wished that she didn't have to face down her fears quite so often. I just wished that she had a safe job, something that didn't require her to put herself into danger. Why couldn't she just get married and settle down into a safe life?

I got in the car and Eddie closed the door. I made sure that my mother had her seatbelt on and, as I turned towards home, my mother said, "I always thought that Stephanie had a little of me in her. But now I'm thinking she has a little of you in her as well."

I snorted, pleased even though I was still angry.

"We need to call Stephanie and Valerie to let them know what happened", said my mother. "Your altercation will fly through the Burg and, as you know, gossip is often inaccurate."

Damn. She was right. I didn't want to talk about it, but I didn't know if I wanted to let my mother tell the story, either. She would probably sensationalize it. She was very excited by the events of the morning.

"It will probably say that you broke her nose", said my mother as she continued on.

I sighed. "I did break her nose."

My mother smiled. "She deserved it. I wish I could have hit her in the nose."

"Ma!" I said.