Loyalty, Forgiveness, Love
A Sequel to Breaking Point
The fever from the infection had broken and Dean was sleeping normally if fitfully. Castiel told Sam to get some sleep as well, that he would watch Dean and would wake Sam if anything changed. Sam could only nod his head, exhaustion overwhelmed him once he knew Dean was going to be all right. He lay on the opposite bed and was instantly asleep.
Castiel watched both men and tilted his head in curious wonder. Both of them were exceptional in their own ways. Sam's insecurity about himself was still troubling Castiel. He felt Sam's sincerity, believed that he truly desired to help and save people, but Castiel felt it was all for the wrong reasons. Sam was doing it more in the hopes of saving himself rather than humanity.
No matter how hard Sam tried, he couldn't overcome his self-doubt because of the knowledge Azazel had given him; that he had been given demon blood and was doomed to a demon fate. Castiel didn't know its implications, what Azazel's plans were then or what role they would play in the war to come, but he felt that Sam was on a tight rope, barely balancing on it. Instead of believing in true self-change, Sam had resigned himself to a fate he felt he couldn't avoid and his actions were driving him closer towards it, not away from it as Sam believed, no matter what rationale Sam presented. The demon Ruby was an interference that could prove to be Sam's undoing if he allowed her voice to supercede Dean's.
If not for Dean, Castiel believed that Sam would have been lost to humanity already. If he was sure of nothing else, he was sure of that.
His Father's decision to lift Dean from perdition was a wise one, Castiel believed. He wasn't sure if even Dean's love and devotion would be enough, as he also knew that Dean's innate drive to protect Sam, to shield him from harm could very well drive the innate rebellion in Sam to tip him over to the dark side. Dean was to selflessness as Sam was to selfishness, a dichotomy that could ruin them both.
Still, not even his Father or he knew what the future held, for if they did, none of this would be necessary. The future would eventually write itself and Castiel had to hope that Dean would find the right words, make the right choices, even if unbearable, to save them all. It was a terrible burden for one man to shoulder, but after knowing Dean for as short a time as he had, Castiel somehow knew that Dean would be up to the task. It was not Dean he questioned. It was himself.
He heard Dean stir and moan then watched Dean's eyes flutter open.
"Dean," Castiel said.
"Cas," Dean said, his voice dry and ragged.
Castiel brought over a glass of water and helped Dean up to drink.
"How are you feeling?"
"Like someone beat the crap out of me," Dean joked. "Where's Sam?"
"Sleeping," Castiel said as turned his head to the bed next to Dean's.
Dean nodded as he rubbed his neck.
"You should get more rest," Castiel said.
"Thanks, Cas, but I feel like Sleeping Beauty as it is. I need to get my head back into the game."
Castiel nodded. His gaze drifted and Dean noticed it.
"Earth to Cas. You okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine."
"You seem –"
"Distracted?"
"Well, yeh."
Castiel turned back to Dean, almost looking ashamed.
"Remember when I told you that I had questions…that I had doubts…"
"Yeh?"
"What you went through…what you revealed about your time in Hell…"
Dean grimaced at the memory.
"I found myself envying you."
Dean stared at Castiel with disbelief, as if he had grown another head.
"What? Why?"
"Your conviction, your compassion –"
"What I did to those souls wasn't compassion," Dean said, his anger rising, more at himself then at Castiel.
"Dean, you don't understand, I know you feel guilt, terrible guilt for what you think you did –"
"What I KNOW I did! You weren't there. You didn't see the things I put those poor souls through."
"Does what you went through not mean anything? First your own torture at the hands of Alistair then the immeasurable sorrow you inflicted upon yourself, feeling that you didn't deserve compassion or forgiveness yourself because you felt you should have been stronger in resisting Alistair?"
"No," Dean said matter of factly, calming from his anger, but feeling deep remorse. "I should have been stronger. I should have fought harder. There is no excuse for giving in like I did."
Castiel felt Dean's recriminations radiate through him.
"You were in Hell, Dean. There is no suffering on Earth that compares to it. What you endured, how long you endured it, it was more than any human soul can be expected to withstand and yet you did for 30 years. I know of no other who comes close to that."
"Doesn't matter. It wasn't long enough," Dean said with a hushed shame in his voice. "I shouldn't have given in."
"Dean, Alistair threatened the one thing you couldn't compromise. That was self-sacrifice, not selfishness. It was born of love and caring for Sam. There is no shame in that."
"Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't take back saving Sam, but in the end I bargained one life and forfeited others. It isn't good enough. It's like I sold my soul twice and others paid the price."
"Dean…"
"When I let Alistair break me, turning me into something no better than he was, I gave up something I can never get back," Dean said, taking in a deep breath. "How can I look Sam in the eye and ask him to fight? I didn't. I'd be the biggest hypocrite ever, but what I can do is use what happened to me to make Sam see that once you're on that slippery slope, you can never get back what you've lost. Losing Sam just isn't an option."
Castiel saw the raw pain and conviction on Dean's face. He understood that Dean was going to set himself up as an example of what happens to someone who, in his eyes, failed. What Dean refused to see was that he was already leading with an example that many men would wish they had possessed including Castiel, strength of conviction.
"That's what I envied."
Dean looked at Castiel, still confused, not understanding why an angel would envy him.
"Envied what, Cas? Call me dim, but I still don't get what you could possibly envy about what I did."
"You don't see how you stood up to Alistair, do you? How you won your battle to keep your humanity by giving those souls compassion? Not by what you were doing, but by what you were saying," Castiel said, trying to convince Dean. "You've defined yourself by what you did in Hell, the strike of the hand, the wielding of the whip, the slash of a sword. But what you don't know and what Alistair would never have told you because it was so much more satisfying to watch your self-inflicted pain than for him to exert it himself is that you weren't torturing those souls. Alistair made you believe you were, but Dean, you were torturing yourself. You were doing all the work for Alistair. Still, your apologies to those souls, your compassionate words to them, that meant much more. It's one of the reasons you were saved from Hell because my Father heard you and forgave you. You never surrendered your humanity because a truly evil being doesn't ask for forgiveness. Do you see now?"
Dean took in Castiel's words and let them sink in.
"I don't know…" Dean said doubtfully. "I still don't get why you would envy me."
"When Sam said that angels were supposed to be merciful, both of you saw how that's not true. Uriel doesn't possess compassion. He doesn't respect humans at all. His job is to cleanse the world of humanity. He sees humans as insignificant blights. In a disreputable way, Uriel sees his ability to wipe humans off the map as a calling, something that he feels keenly qualified for and has no regrets employing. I do not hold to that belief, but nor am I the image of compassion as Sam wishes I were. I am uncertain. Angels are not supposed to be uncertain."
Dean looked at Castiel and remembered Anna.
"Blind faith or death," Dean said wistfully.
Castiel nodded.
"You know, Anna and I talked about why she fell. I couldn't understand it. I couldn't understand why she would want to be human, why any angel would want to be human. Sam's not the only one who sees angels a certain way. I see you as powerful, that you don't doubt yourselves. Then Anna turned it around on me and threw back human qualities like loyalty, forgiveness, and love as reasons why being human is better."
"Qualities you yourself possess, Dean. Anna knew this."
Dean shook off the compliment.
"I tried to argue with her, but she was pretty convinced. She still thought it had been worth falling, that emotions both good and bad were worth it, that she would have given anything to stay human."
"Anna was always convicted. She is not unlike you."
"Whoa, I'm not a chick," Dean feigned indignant.
Castiel just smiled, but watched Dean's expression turn grim.
"I betrayed her too," Dean said darkly.
"No, you were given an awful choice, Dean," Castiel then became grim as well. "I'm sorry for Uriel's reprehensible actions. Though it was done without my knowledge, it does not absolve me. There is no justification for it."
"Cas, it's okay. All Uriel did was call my bluff. I told him I didn't break easy, but he knew that was a lie."
"Dean, Anna understood. She forgave you."
"Doesn't make it right."
Castiel knew that because of the kind of man Dean was, he would carry the blame of surrendering Anna to them regardless of the indefensible methods used to drive him to make that painful choice. Uriel had known Dean's weakness and had exploited it. How were his actions any different than what Alistair had done? Castiel began to question how they could claim themselves better than demons. That hypocrisy weighed on him.
"She told me that she commanded you and Uriel," Dean said smiling, changing the subject and imagining Anna bossing either of them around.
"Yes, she did and she commanded well, but she soon began to doubt her purpose, what she was fighting for. She had lost her faith," Castiel said, his voice showing no recrimination.
Dean watched Castiel's expression change.
"Have you, Cas?"
Castiel looked at Dean.
"Now you know why I envy you."
"No, I still don't. I don't have any faith."
"Yes, you do. It's not the same kind of faith, but the conviction you carry about the hope for humanity, believing it is worth saving, of your belief in your brother, that's all faith. When you defended what you and your brother did to Samhain because the town, its people, its children were all alive and safe, I saw that faith and I envied it."
Dean looked at Castiel, still puzzled.
"Huh. An angel envies me. Never would have guessed that in a million years," Dean joked, but then became serious again. "It doesn't change anything."
"When I first appeared, I couldn't understand why you thought you didn't deserve to be saved. You were an enigma to me. After hearing what you went through in Hell, I finally do understand and my respect for you has elevated yet nothing I've said has enlightened you to the fact that you are the not the monster you think you are. You can say what you will, but I will make it my mission to convince you of that."
Dean looked at Castiel and smiled.
"Careful there, Cas. Your conviction is showing," Dean teased.
Cas cracked his characteristic small smile.
FIN. This came as a rush of inspiration so I hope you enjoy it. Thanks for reading.