A/N: This is a one-shot set at the very end of season 1 of the anime, the night after the whole Annie debacle. It's not exactly cheerful so I don't have much to say other than enjoy.
Disclaimer: I do not own SnK or any of the characters.
After the battle in Stohess, I'd learnt that Annie had hidden in an unbreakable crystal. It was a huge blow for everyone, especially for me, since I so desperately wanted to talk to her. I wanted to ask her why she was doing what she was doing – what the hell could her goal be? To get to me? Why the hell would she want that? What was so special about another titan shifter that would drive her to murder all those good people…Gunther, Oluo, Petra…sweet Petra.
I wanted answers. But the answer I wanted most was how could she have murdered so many people without batting an eye? What kind of a sick monster does that?
I sighed and sat up in the bed. After eating, I'd practically passed out. Mikasa was here at the time, but she must've left after I'd fallen asleep since I was alone now. The room was dark; I guess no one thought I'd wake up again in the night so they didn't bother leaving any light.
My body ached. All the muscles in my body throbbed and burnt like they used to after a long day of training as a cadet. I felt weak and tired, and my head still felt somewhat foggy. I reminded myself that this was just because of the titan transformation, but that was no consolation. All I'd ever felt in my life was weak. Even now when I was strong, so strong I could become a 15m titan, I was still weak. I hated it.
A spot of wetness appeared on my forearm. With a start I realized what it was, and tentatively brought a hand up to my cheek to confirm my suspicion. Yes. I was crying. If this was not proof that I was weak, then nothing would be.
My head fell into my hands then, suddenly too heavy to stay upright. I let the tears fall; tears from pain, frustration, anger, loneliness…I let go of all the agony inside and cried, my shoulders shaking as I sobbed loudly. At this point, I didn't care who heard me. I was in immense pain and I needed to let it all out. Let the weakness leave my body one damned tear at a time.
I had let everyone in my life down. My mother was dead because of me. Countless soldiers were dead because of me. I'd almost lost Armin because of my own idiocy. I almost got Mikasa crushed because of my own doubts. The best titan slayers of our lifetime, the Levi Squad, were all killed because of my naivety. My friends had foolishly joined the Recon Corps and would be heading to their deaths any given day because of the stupid things I once said.
It would only be a matter of time until I had nothing left.
The tears fell freely, pooling in my hands and falling to the bed as they rushed to leave me. I couldn't hold them back now even if I tried, and I couldn't hold back the ugly sobbing sounds coming from my throat no matter how embarrassing they were. I guess it would only be a matter of time before someone woke and came to laugh at the fifteen year old boy having a mental breakdown in the middle of the night.
Boy. I was still a child in the world's eyes. Would I ever become a man? Even if I were able to live that long, would my weakness make me a lesser man? Will my weakness ultimately be the reason I never truly reach manhood? Will I still be crying like this when I grow older? The mere thought had the tears coming even faster now. I wasn't and never would be a man because of my pathetic weakness! I was damned to be a boy, a weak boy, until the day I die. Forever a child. A brat.
Forever nothing.
I choked as I tried to swallow back the ugly groan that was threatening to spew form my mouth. Instead, I started coughing, choking on my own spit as a result. Even worse. I can't even cry without messing it up. Is there anything I can do properly?
The door opened then. I heard the creaking of the dry hinges as the wooden door was slowly pushed open. But I didn't stop crying…not because I didn't want to, but because it was physically impossible for me to stop. I was too weak to simply close my eyes, throw my head back and breathe deeply until the tears stop. I couldn't even lift my own arms to wipe the tears away. I'd become too weak to control my own body.
What next? Will I no longer be able to control when I piss?
"Oi," a familiar voice broke through my sobbing. "Keep it down, brat."
I recognized that voice; the deep, smooth monotone of Corporal Levi – my childhood hero, my role-model, my caretaker, my squad leader…and now the man watching my pathetic breakdown. If he had ever even considered me remotely strong, which I highly doubted, this would definitely ruin that thought. He was probably standing there laughing quietly, enjoying the show I was putting on. But…I didn't even care. Let him laugh. They all do.
"Jaeger," he spoke again, much closer this time. "Look at me."
As much as gravity wanted to keep my head down in my hands, my body had become conditioned to obey every single word coming from this man's mouth from the moment he beat me to a pulp. The submission that he had kicked into me that day hardwired my brain into believing that his word is law. He could probably order me to dive headfirst into a titan's mouth and I would do it with a smile on my face.
My head lifted, and I already knew I looked disgusting. I could barely see through my teary eyes, and I could feel the skin on my cheeks already dried out from the saltiness that had streaked them continuously for god knows how long now. I could feel the snot running from my nose to mix with the tears, but I honestly didn't care. If he smacked me now and told me I'm nothing but a 'disgusting brat', I wouldn't even be bothered. No words could hurt me now. I was already too far gone.
When my eyes met with his, I was not at all surprised to see no emotion. He simply glared at me, no sympathy, no curiosity, not even disgust. He simply glared. The soft light of the single candle he'd brought into the room did little to illuminate his features, and the shadows dancing on his face cast over his eyes in a mysterious way, and his eyes would've been hidden had they not been such a brilliant silver.
Whenever Levi looked at me, I felt small. His gaze was enough to make feel like even less of a man than I already was, crushing me and making me into an incoherent and disgustingly obedient mess of teenager. Even when he simply gazed out at nothing and I happened to be in his line of sight, the hairs at the back of my neck would stand on edge and I would wrack my mind for any offenses I may have committed.
But not now.
The tears had stopped somehow.
An overwhelmingly weighty tranquility descended upon me, immediately calming my hitching breath and throbbing heart.
A warmth unlike anything I'd experienced since my mother's last embrace started to radiate within in me.
My vision cleared and as soon as I could clearly see the Corporal's eyes, I felt like I would never cry again.
"That's better," he whispered, expression still unchanging.
What were these feelings? Why was this immense calm consuming me, a tranquility that wanted to lull me to sleep? Why was the Corporal in my room?
"Why are you crying, Jaeger?" he asked.
His voice wasn't gentle, but it wasn't the harsh either. It was the perfect, silky monotone it's always been, the expressionless tone I have come to know. And in that voice was still the command I'd been trained to obey. My mouth opened and I answered him before I could think of the right words to say.
"I'm j-just so w-weak, s-sir…" I dropped my head and the feeling I had just moments earlier, where I felt I'd never cry again, became a distant memory.
He didn't answer me. I didn't know what expression was on his face as he kept deathly still in front of me, his breathing perfectly calm. What was he thinking? Why was he here? Did I wake him with my bawling? Was he going to hit me or shout at me for acting like an immature brat? The silence was unbearable!
"Everyone just dies because of m-me!" I snapped, my voice hitching as tears threatened to spill again. This time I wouldn't let them. I had to have at least the strength to do that, at least with the Corporal watching. "And more people a-are going to k-keep on dying because I'm too w-weak to p-protect them!"
Levi shifted just a bit on the bed, adjusting his weight. I still kept my head low, afraid of what I'd see if I looked into his eyes. Would I see disappointment? Would I find him nodding in agreement? Or would I see anger as he blames me for the annihilation of his squad?
"Eren," he said in a voice so soft I had to strain to hear. He had used my first name. This had to be the first time he'd done it, isn't it? Before I could wrack my brain to find a memory where he had called me by my first name, he continued speaking.
"You are not weak. You have seen the deaths of many of your friends and comrades, and yes, you have been the reason for some of them." My heart clenched as he said this. So he did hold me accountable for Squad Levi's obliteration. A pressing ache consumed me, pulling me further into the pit of darkness and despair. I could feel myself begin to shake as tears started to fall from my eyes again. "Many good soldiers have died and many more will continue to die in the struggle." My breath hitched as I wondered just how many more of my friends I'd have to see die before my time comes. "Yet through all of this, you continue to fight. You don't run away scared, you charge into battle with the idiotic hotheadedness of an A-class brat. Despite the grim repercussions of the decisions you've made, you continue to make more and fight to protect what's dear to you."
The tone of his voice had changed. It seemed like it had become lighter, almost compassionate, and that anomaly in itself caused me to jerk my head up and stare at him through teary eyes. What I saw disarmed me completely, stunning me to the point where all my pain instantly dissolved into empty numbness.
Levi's face had softened. His brow was relaxed and his eyes had the hint of a smile in them. A sad smile, but a smile nonetheless.
"The fact that you keep fighting so bravely is proof that you are not weak. A weak man would've quit, or even died, a long time ago. But you, Eren, you're still fighting."
He…he called me a man. Not a brat, not a child, not a boy, but a man. Levi, with more emotion that I'd ever seen in my life, had just told me that I am a strong man. A strong man. That happiness and warmth I felt moments ago started to simmer barely perceptively inside me, warming my soul fractionally and chasing the tears from my eyes. I smiled as best I could and dropped my head again, suddenly feeling awkward for having gotten a glimpse of a gentler Corporal.
"Thank you, sir," I whispered.
"I know what it's like, Eren," Levi whispered back. Gone was the gentle tone. He now spoke with a haunted tone, catching my attention once more. I lifted my head to see dead eyes. But if I looked closely, I could see pain; pain that dwarfed the agony I felt. "This life isn't easy. Just know you'll never be alone. You have good friends…you have…" He stopped and closed his eyes, furrowing his brow in concentration. He didn't say it, but he mouthed it.
"You have me."
Before I could stop myself, my arms were around the Corporal's neck in a choking embrace. I don't know if I hugged him because I needed a hug or because I felt like he needed one, but there was something about this moment that made my body snap into action before I could control it. He gasped at the contact and froze in my arms for the longest moment, but I didn't let up. The warmth emanating from his body exhumed a comfort that I never again could've dreamed to have. It calmed me and made me want to forget all the negativity and pain in my life.
It made me want to live.
This embrace felt so right.
After an immeasurable amount of time frozen, the Corporal shifted. All good things come to an end. With a sigh, I dropped my arms and began to pull away, but before I could even sit upright, Levi had pushed my down onto the bed and was hovering over me, his body pinning mine to the bed.
My breath caught at the sight of his face just a breath away from mine. I could feel the heat from his body everywhere, burning me up and calling me life with the authoritative command his deep voice held. It felt as though my skin had ignited as I burnt under the warmth and the weight of him, as he kept his face close to mine, his warm breath ghosting across my skin and his cold, grey eyes boring into mine with bone-chilling intensity.
His next words were barely audible, but not because he spoke so softly, but because his breath was intoxicating and had nearly robbed me of my senses. But I heard what he said. And what he said fueled the blaze on my skin.
"I will always be here to guide you."
Levi rolled off me then, squirming as he buried himself under the blanket. I let out the breath I'd been holding and watched from the corner of my eye as he made himself comfortable, turning his back to me and stilling as he settled. Did he plan on sleeping here? What was I supposed to do with Levi in my bed?
As if he read my mind, he said, "Sleep, Jaeger." The use of my surname would've been disheartening if it weren't for the delicacy in his voice. "You've had a long day."
I sighed as I got myself comfortable in the small space. Had Levi been any bigger, this would not have been possible. I was glad that he was here, and my arm unconsciously snaked around his waist and pulled his body closer until it was flush with mine. The warmth that was Levi and the soapy scent of him quickly tugged at my consciousness, pushing all my hurt and fears to the back of my mind.
With Levi by my side, I felt as though I really did have a chance at killing all the titans after all. Perhaps my life ambition wasn't some stupid fantasy I dreamed up in the heat of emotional turmoil. Maybe now I had a real shot at it. Maybe now I could truly live with a purpose and not just an ideal.
I smiled and breathed in deeply, taking in all of him. My mind blanked as his gentle scent took over every part of me, lulling me to sleep with the placidity of eternal bliss.
"Good night, Levi…"
"Good night, Eren."
Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it and please remember, feedback is always welcome.