DRAGGIN' TAILS
PART ONE. THE GORIEST BASTARDS
Quetzal Neumann, a former drug-trafficker and neo-nazi (also a descendant of German Nazi parents) escaped from Mexico after murdering infants for their nutritious flesh to the Republic of Dragonland (not recognized by the U.N.), where the cops are dragons with Down's Syndrome, and let him in without a green card. He became a teacher at a school district where children at the age of eleven are taught the dangers of sexual activity and drug use by chair of the Department of Dragon education, also Dr. Neumann himself. Max and Emmy have also finally turned 11 and are starting to show signs of undisclosed sexual desires.
"Hello class. Now that Max and Emmy are of age, let me tell them about drug use and abstinence. If someone offers you cocaine, you say-"
BLAM! BLAM! Queztal's eyes bulged and he fell to the floor, gasping for breath after being shot in the neck twice by Max Blocker.
"I WILL FUCK MY SISTER WHEN I WANT TO DAMMIT! I DON'T CARE IF MY CHILD HAS DIFFERENT LEG LENGTHS OR IF THEY GET MADE FUN OF FOR HAVING A MENTAL FLIPPER!" said Max.
"FUCK YEAH!" everyone shouted.
"But wait...We just killed Quetzal!" Cassie cried.
"I don't think he's dead," Ord said. "He's still gasping and writhing in pain, crying tears of blood. I think he's praying too."
"ONLY ONE WAY TO MAKE SURE!"
"NO DON'T DO IT NO-"
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
"MAX! YOU SHOT HIM IN THE TEMPLE, THEN THE HEART, THAN HIS EYE, THAN HIS OTHER EYE, AND THEN YOU SHOT HIM IN THE FUCKING DICK?" Wheezy screamed.
"That's what watching Natural Born Killers on ecstasy will do," Ord stated.
There was an awkward silence. "Damn straight! Now let's take Quetzal's money!" Zack exclaimed.
"Wait a minute bro. I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!" Weezy cried.
"BITCH IMMA KILL YO ASS!"
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Weezy was shot four times in the head while the dragons danced to "Bullet in the Head" by Rage Against the Machine. "Eh, she was nice but she laughed to damn much!" Zack stated with gusto while the dragons headbanged. Then everyone joyously exited the school
and threw a rock at Quetzal's car window and broke in.
Emmy rummaged through Quetzal's glove compartment of multicolored high-tech sex toys, bongs, Hamburger Helper, and 5,000 Dragon Rupees.
"A 50% coupon for a Carl's Junior in Vegas?" Cassie said.
"60 Pesos?" Zack said.
"My mom's panties?" Ord said.
Everyone stared at Ord.
"Heheheheh. I kid, I kid. I made them into a hammock long ago."
"Anyways, hop in bitchez! Let's ride!" Ord said!
They all hopped in exuberantly and Ord's paw floored it as Soulja Boy Tell 'Em vibrated the frame of the car.
"YAAYYYY!" everyone yelled like a fat kid would when they had just found a stray Happy Meal.
They cruised en route to Decatur, since Dragonland is technically just outside Fargo, North Dakota. If you think the vast majority of the people out there are beyond asinine, you would be correct. As the dragons switched lanes, an eighteen-wheeler full of Faygo pulled in blasting Insane Clown Posse's "Halls of Illusions." The operator of the vehicle, obviously high on Faygo and his so called "neden" screamed "ARE YOU FAGGOTS DOWN WITH THE CLOWN?"
The Dragons yelled "WE'RE FINE WITH JOHN WAYNE GACY! HE WAS A BADAS-"
The Faygo truck swerved into the Quetzal's car, and the dragons zoomed down a hill towards a fat chick, possibly a juggalette. The girl dodged the car and found all of the passenger unconscious and in critical condition. While she was dialing 911, Faygo waterfalled and drenched everyone in the car, making their wounds very tasty for the dogs, rabbits, and bears with the clap that had jumped on the scene.
PART TWO: SABOTAGE A TROIS
Normally, Dr. Brixx would not describe the injuries his patients had faced. However, today is not your lucky day. Let's start with Zack. Zack had suffered permanent brain damage that triggered erectile dysfunction and he had broken ribs. By this point, one week after the event, one of the dragons, Ord, has been fine the whole time, and Max suffered minor injuries to his head causing minor memory loss. However, according to the pathologist Dr. Ivo Robotnik, Wheezy and Emmy were both killed from head trauma. Also a bear exsanguinated Emmy while fondling her breasts and vigorously fapping when she was already dead. Cassie remains comatose.
"Hello my patients, my name is Doctor Brixx, and I am here to welcome you to Nemes Hospital in North Smithfield, Rhode Island, one of the top hospitals in the country."
"Um….how come we've never heard of it?" Ord moaned.
"Because you've lost all your memory silly!" Dr. Brixx stated.
"Oh, good point."
"Anyways, here, we have an early curfew. We go to bed at 5:00 every night. We also serve only one meal, and you'll find out what that is fairly soon! Get comfy everyone!"
"...eh…..Hey! I have done feel so alive thus!" Zack said.
"Zack, you're alive, but your grammar sucks. And boy do you have a tiny peni….Oh, sorry. But I think you look like you need a makeover. Right?"
"Yeah! And what the mass purple rot smelling thing attaching me to?"
"Shh...that's your sister…"
"Why semen?"
"Wha-Oh! Why is there white stuff dripping from her? Dunno. Dunno. Uhh...Go back to bed! You too Ord!"
"Okay." Ord said reluctantly.
As Zack went back to bed, Dr. Brixx turned off the lights, went to Cassie's bed, unzipped his pants, and-
"Heyyy sexxay!" Lateesha Brixx said softly.
"You're my sister, I'm not going to fuck you."
"HELL NO! Why would you insinuate that?"
Dr. Brixx looked scared. "Uhh-I can-"
"I want you to fuck me and this guy in a Barney suit!"
"MMMMMMMMM," said the guy in the Barney suit who had appeared from out of nowhere.
"He's soooo happy to go Nicki Minajing with us!"
"Lateesha, stop spending time on Urban Dictionary!"
"Do you want to do a rainbow party? Or a hot steamy Pablo?"
"It's Dirty Sanchez to you! Seen Big Money Rustlas? It's that spick dude."
"...You and your Netflix movies. Me and Barney are gettin jiggy in dis bitch in da bathroom you basic hoe!"
SLAM!
"Da fu…alright, Cassie, welcome to the female Pain Olympics!"
Dr. Brixx dove down, dripped some Russian dressing in Cassie's olive oil textured virgin ripe and gamey clit, and smothered it in some of Guy Fieri's barbecue sauce and started chowin' down on some Dragon catfish. "Yeehaw! When you see this, you'll shit bricks, like my last name!" So Dr. Brixx cut Wheezy's stomach in two as if dissecting a frog, and took a shit in her mouth, and he cut open her esophagus and slurped up most of his own poop. Then he smoked crack rocks, gave some to Weezy, and with the remaining shit, made a crack and shit cocktail called the "Ass Crack". Then Dr. Brixx went to Wheezy and saw something spectacular. Apparently, there were mushrooms growing in her lungs. Then he put Ord under anaesthesia, ripped off his balls, and drizzled his seminal fluids like spicy mayonnaise dressing on Cassie's wonton pussy. Then, he went to the children's wing in a woman's disguise with a doctor's suit, stole a dead fetus from the morgue, then came back, removed Ord's balls and semen from him with a ripe, golden brown, waffle fry-smelling shit. And then he smoked more crack. Then he cooked Emmy into burgers, injected the burgers with horse manure and growth hormones, and sent it to an orphanage. Unfortunately for
"Mmm...I love you Max," Cassie said. "Gimme some...OH SHIT! WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!"
"Cassie, I'm Doctor Brixx, and I am your doctor. I am just adjusting your bed. Is this okay?"
"...That was a butt rub. Not a bed adjustment." Cassie said.
"No. That was a butt-Oh, fuck, you're right. I-"
"YOU FUCKING DIPSHIT! GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! YOU SHOULDN'T BE A FUCKING DOCTOR! YOU SHOULD BE A FUCKING INMAT-"
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Cassie was shot in the butt, hand, and heart. Blood poured out of her mouth and made a red river flowing down her cheek. Dr. Brixx scoffed and did the Charleston with his sister, who was stepping on Cassie's neck to make sure she was dead.
PART THREE: DR. BRIXX SHITS HIMSELF
"Holy shit balls! My balls are shit!" Ord screamed as he woke up. "Max. MAX!"
"Ord, why so early?" Max said.
"It's only 8 in the morning! My balls were just replaced with a festering turd! My scrotum is leaking corn and edamame thingys!"
"WAIT! Hold up. Who did this? And where's my sist- NOOOOOOOOO!" Max exclaimed.
Ord was sobbing. "WAAAAHHHH-" Ord then found a key stuck inside his butt after scratching it angrily. "What!? OOH! SHINY LIKE A DRAGON BADGE!"
"What is it?" Max said. "This better be pretty fucking important!" After looking again, he stated, "A key! Let's check his locked food cabinet!"
"Yeah!" They both ejaculated, in both senses of the word.
They opened the hardwood cabinet that only the doctor could have had access to, and-
"EDAMAME! THAT GUY STOLE MY BALLS! LET'S GET THAT GUY! And wait...DID HE KILL CASSIE? FUUUUCCCKKK!"
"LET'S GET OUT! AHHHH!"
So Max and Ord dashed out the bathroom and onto Black Plain Road, and dashed and dashed. They dashed until they town going west into the Connecticut-bordering woods, where they ran out of breath. Then they heard the noise of a chainsaw and then saw a lumberjack.
"Howdy fellas! I-"
Right when he opened his mouth, a bullet was fired through the back of his head coming out his mouth. Then, the chainsaw entered his bowels, and his frame collapsed to the floor. Behind him was none other than Dr. Brixx himself!
"NOOOO!" Ord and Max screamed.
By the time Max and Ord had reached Connecticut, Ord wanted to stop for water and dragon berries.
"We still have those pesos, right?" Ord cried.
"First of all, yes. Second of all, you can only use those in like Mexico or something. And third of all, WHY AREN'T YOU RUNNING?! YOU'LL DIE!"
"You know Max, I'll never amount to anything in life. Even though my fat helped me to survive the crash, I will remain like a panda - a useless piece of fat. Go on without me! I'm going back for Zack, wherever he is! WAAAHHHH!" Ord stormed back, only to have Zack's decapitated head with maggots in it thrown at him. Then Max watched Ord get shot twenty times by Doctor Brixx. Then Doctor Brixx, from the corner of his eye, found a figure that looked like Max.
"I'LL FUCKING GET YOU MAX!"
"¿Qué? No comprendo."
Doctor Brixx charged at the boy, dove on him, ate his intestines out, ripped his dick off and ate it , only to realize that-
"Wait. THIS KID WAS DYING OF AIDS! FUCK!"
And then he realized something even worse.
"THAT WASN'T FUCKING MAX! MAX WAS NOT A FUCKING-THAT WAS DIEGO FROM 'GO DIEGO GO!' FUCKSHITTURKEYBALLSASS! THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO END THIS!"
Dr. Brixx put his rifle in his cheek and went BAM! Except the bullet hit the real Max right in the chest.
Doctor Brixx, eight years later, died after forgetting his AIDS medication on a vacation to Cape Town, South Africa. They knew he died because he shat himself.
THE END