So, after a month of working on this, I'm finally posting it! Yay! True, it is a post-finale fic, but I tried to do something a little different. Instead of focusing on a romance or recovery, I wanted to try to explore how everyone else felt in the aftermath. I hope I achieved something worth reading, and I hope you enjoy it!
Also true, I don't own Castle, or any of its fantastic characters.
Also, also true, this is the longest single piece I've ever written. Whee! Enjoy!
When it happened, when everyone was in a state of panic, it was all a blur or colors and muffled sound.
He couldn't focus on the pair of hands that had so firmly gripped his arms, pulling him away. Couldn't recognize the voice in his ear that fearfully and lovingly told him that they were going to get in a car and follow the ambulance. He couldn't even recognize the familiar city buildings that they had passed in their hurry.
Nothing made sense. None of the pieces fit together.
It just didn't seem real.
But now, as he sat in the waiting room, surrounded by seven equally worried faces, it was all too clear.
The bullet had come out of nowhere. What possessed him to even rip his eyes away from her and look out into the distance, he didn't know.
But somewhere, deep in the pit of his stomach, Rick was actually thankful. Thankful for the glint of light that triggered a switch in his brain, and made him shove her to the ground.
Because of that glint, she wasn't lying cold and lifeless in the county morgue.
Because of that glint, she was lying on an operating table, while a team of experts did their best to fix her.
And it was taking every fiber of his being to trust those experts.
But trusting and waiting and even breathing were all suddenly so damn hard.
The writer looked around the waiting room they had been put in. This was a family, he thought. People who sat, struggling against exhaustion and frustration, and downright anger, waiting to ensure that one of their own was okay.
And if not okay…at least alive.
Beside him sat his daughter, who had insisted on being allowed to come, and on her opposite side, his mother, who had taken a vice-like grip on Alexis's hand. Alexis was leaning her head against her grandmother's shoulder, her other hand gripping her dad's knee. It broke Rick's heart to watch her sleep when sobs were so frequently fighting against her.
His mother sat, rubbing her hands over her granddaughter's. Making sure that the girl was in one piece. Her head was leaning ever so gently against the wall, her eyes shut. But Rick knew that she wasn't sleeping. She never did in stressful times. He knew this all too well from when he was seven and fell from the top of a bookshelf at the library, breaking his arm. She didn't really sleep for three weeks.
Now that they were here, in the silence, he could distinctly remember hearing them both at the funeral, calling out to him, distressed, guiding him to the car.
Ryan and Jenny were seated across the aisle. He hadn't even known Jenny had been at the funeral. From where he sat, he could see her red-rimmed eyes, still filled with unshed tears. This had to be brutal for her, he thought. In mere minutes all the harsh realities of being in love with a cop were thrown in her face. She was shuddering every few minutes in his embrace, but always calmed back down when Ryan lovingly rubbed her arm.
The detective's eyes were trained on the floor, though, he would periodically look over at his fiancé, pressing kiss after kiss to her head. The writer's chest tightened when Ryan finally whispered to her.
"I'm so sorry, Jen." He kissed her head again. "So, so sorry."
She whispered back to him, "It's okay." A soft, shaky hand reached up to caress his cheek. A gesture he leaned into. "Stop apologizing. Nothing's your fault."
"But you shouldn't be here."
"Why the hell not?" She looked at him with newfound strength. "Kevin, look at me. I want to be here, understand me?"
Wearily, he nodded.
"Good. Now try and relax. I'm right here."
Rick watched as they snuggled back down into their chairs, together. He couldn't help but defend that innocence like theirs shouldn't have been so dramatically shattered to pieces.
Then there were Lanie and Esposito. The two of them were so drastically different from Ryan and Jenny. He could see them leaning against the wall at the end of the aisle. Their hands were joined together, but their bodies were polar opposites, leaning as far away from each other as possible.
Esposito's forehead was leaning into his open palm, his left leg bouncing up and down nervously. Lanie nearly mirrored him perfectly. Her free hand was holding up her chin, and he could tell that her teeth were gritted together. He noticed that Esposito was running his thumb back and forth over the back of her hand.
"Lane?" His voice sounded like that of a child. Small, yet at the same time, brave for her.
When Lanie turned her head, Rick saw the recognition and worry flash over Esposito's face. She was trying so hard not to cry. Trying to be strong, knowing that Kate had no choice right now, but not to be.
"Come here," he whispered, motioning for her to move in closer to him.
Without a sound, nor a second's hesitation, she practically dove into his arms.
And then there was Jim Beckett. Her father. He was the only one standing, leaning against the wall next to the door. He had spent quite a bit of time pacing. Then he sat, shifting back and forth in the chair. Then he had paced again. And now he was leaning against the wall.
Rick couldn't even imagine what he was feeling.
Seeing the look on the older man's face made him reach down and rest his hand over Alexis's. He almost felt guilty that his little girl was right here beside him, when Jim's couldn't be.
The man had already lost his wife. The love of his life. And now he was perilously close to losing his daughter. His baby girl.
He had written death hundreds of times in his career, but never had he taken a daughter away from a father.
Time ticked by for group in microscopic seconds. Finally, Rick couldn't take it anymore. He needed to move. He was pretty sure that she'd been in surgery for a couple of hours at least. They hadn't exactly been keeping track. Once they had arrived a surgical team whisked her away, quickly taking down basic information from her father before running behind the gurney into the operating room.
Carefully, he lifted Alexis's limp hand from his lap, and placed it in her own. He tried not to groan as he stood, muscles stiff from fatigue. Rick walked over to Jim, still standing by the door, and put a hand on his shoulder.
"Hey, do you want to go grab a cup of coffee?"
The older man looked at him with a lost expression. In just a few hours he seemed to have aged by decades. There were new lines around his eyes, and heavy bags beneath them. His skin appeared almost grey.
Rick imagined that he didn't look much better.
"Sure."
The two quietly left the room, leaving their six companions all restlessly sleeping behind them.
They shuffled down the hallway to the cafeteria as if on autopilot. Out of respect for the hospital, and both ultimately feeling utterly lost, not a word was spoken. Rick ordered them each a cup of black coffee, when they reached the cafeteria and they took seats at a distant table, facing each other.
Their hands were glued to their cups, not a sip had yet been drunk. The silence alone was painful. Rick nearly jumped when Jim spoke.
"If it wasn't for you she'd be…dead. If you hadn't pushed her out of the way."
Each looked down into his own paper cup as if it were the most interesting thing on the planet. Rick couldn't find the right words, so he had to settle for the first and best thing he could think of.
"I'm sorry. She told me we were over. Done. I tried to stop her, like I promised. But she was having none of it."
"That's my Katie. Been like that ever since she was old enough to talk back."
"I'm so sorry."
Jim held up a tired hand, looked at Rick with a firm gaze. "Don't apologize to me. As far as I'm concerned, I'm thanking you for thinking like a cop and trying to get her down."
Something sounding like a laugh escaped Rick's lips. "I think I'm apologizing to myself." He took a long drag from his paper cup of coffee. "I never thought I'd be this guy. The one who sits around longing? That was never me." Rick leaned over the table, folding his arms together, hands gripping his elbows. He thought of his mysterious father, Kyra, Meredith, Damien Westlake. It was all too much to comprehend.
"Even when I was in high school. I never let myself get attached to anything or anyone, because for some reason it was always taken away from me."
Jim nodded, drinking from his own cup.
"When Alexis was born, I couldn't fathom being so over the moon about anyone else. She was just so perfect. She's still perfect. I don't know what I would do without her. But…she's growing up. And some of that's my fault…since I started shadowing Kate." He paused. "I've told her things that a parent shouldn't tell their child, let her read things and be witness to my stupidity. And then I let myself get attached to Kate, and to working with her. I always thought that we work so well together."
"So she's told me."
"Really?"
"Once she eventually stopped complaining, she started telling me stories of cases you've closed and stupid things you've done." He shook his head, a faint smile on his face.
"It's like a drug high working with her. She's brilliant. I've become a better writer because of her. Hell, I'm a better person because of her. But I got attached, and addicted, and involved…and now this-"
"Rick. You really need to take a step back and look at this." The writer swallowed a ball of air with the interruption. "Imagine what may have happened if you hadn't been there for her. Since the beginning of all this. She would've been taken away so long ago if you hadn't helped her."
The doors to the cafeteria flew open and a group of nurses funneled in. Their chatter seemed disrespectful to the pair sitting in the corner. For a few moments the men sat, watching the crowd file in and take meals and chairs.
"Did she ever tell you about when it first happened? When Johanna died?" Jim started, while Rick continued to watch the bevy of scrub-clad nurses and doctors.
Rick turned back, then shook his head 'no'.
"We didn't really speak for a few days. Not out of anger. We just…didn't know what to say to each other. What do you say when something like that happens?" Jim stared down into his cup as he spoke while Rick listened. "Those first nights, neither of us could sleep. She'd go to her room and I'd go to mine. It was lonely in there without Johanna. Freezing cold, too. I always ended up on the couch and sometime in the middle of the night I would wake up, and Katie would be slumped into my side with her arm wrapped around me. I could always tell that she'd been crying. My daughter and my wife had been so close, and I hated that Katie could never have that again."
He stopped, only to wipe a tear from the edge of his eye. "Then one night she didn't come out. I…immediately thought the worst. I was so scared that she'd made some rash decision and done…I don't know, something stupid. When I went into her room, she was curled up in her bed, with this book sitting open beside her. Obviously, it was one of yours. It had to be one of your first works. But she clung to it like it was the only thing keeping her head above water." Jim looked up and met Rick's eyes. "You saved her then, and you saved her now. I know better than anyone that she's pretty damn good at guarding herself. But you're the only person - except for Lanie - lord knows that no one is strong enough to resist her – that Katie's been so trusting with."
"Thank you, Jim." There was only a drop of coffee left in the cup. Not enough to even bother drinking. He began to roll the cup back and forth on its edge, watching the drop slide around. "I love her."
"I know."
"I told her. Right after…right before they took her in. I can't imagine my life without her in it."
"I'm glad it's you. And I know her. And trust me, you're not alone in this."
With a sigh the two men stood up and tossed their cups away. "You'll get another chance Rick." Jim gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder as they walked, "You will."
"Dad!" The instant Rick and Jim walked back into the waiting room, Alexis flew into her father's arms. "I woke up and you weren't there, and I didn't know what to do, and I couldn't think, and-"
Rick kissed his daughter's hair, rocking her back and forth. "Hey, hey. It's okay. Everything's alright. I'm right here." Arms still wrapped around her, he pushed her back, not missing her wet cheeks and red-rimmed eyes.
With fear in her eyes Alexis searched her dad's face, proving it to herself that he was still standing there and she wasn't having some terrible nightmare. She buried her face in his shoulder, letting the smell of him comfort her. "I panicked. And all I could see was the funeral, and you were on the ground." Her shoulders shook as she squeaked her words out. "Daddy, I was so scared."
There wasn't a dry eye in the room as Alexis clung to her father. However, none was more lost than Rick. What do you tell your little girl after she watched you nearly get shot? He felt as if his chest was suddenly too sizes too small, and his mouth had turned into a dry desert.
"Come on, Pumpkin. Why don't we go get you something to eat? Just you and I?"
There was a hiccup and a nod as Alexis turned so that she could walk, still wrapped around her dad. As they walked out of the room, Rick turned over his shoulder, silently thanking all the supportive faces.
Again, the walk down to the cafeteria was silent. Alexis kept both arms firmly around Rick's middle, his around her as well. Her head was tucked into his side, hiding.
They passed a little coffee and pastry cart, where they paused to purchase two double chocolate muffins and two bottles of water. "Come on," he whispered, pulling her around a corner, to an empty bed sitting in a hallway. He motioned for her to hop up onto it. "Go on."
"Dad, I don't think we're allowed-"
"I say we're allowed. Now get on up there. And leave some room for me."
The two clambered up onto the thin mattress. They both sat with their legs crossed, facing each other as they ripped off pieces of muffin to eat. When they finished Rick moved to throw away their trash, only to find Alexis leaning against the wall, staring into space when he returned. Sighing, he got back up, and decided to pull her down so that they were lying side by side, facing each other.
Alexis was sandwiched, feeling her dad's warmth on one side and the wall's cold on the other.
"This sucks."
Rick leaned in, kissing her forehead. He was so thankful that she wasn't crying anymore. He couldn't take it when she was crying. "I couldn't have said it better myself."
"I wish that this was like one of your books, and you can just go rewrite the ending because I tell you to."
"You have no idea how much I wish that were the case."
Alexis let out a shaky breath, snuggled in closer to him. "Dad, it was almost you."
"But it wasn't."
"But what if it had been? What would I do then? What would happen to us?"
"You'd be okay. You've got your grandmother, and your mother, and Ashley. And all of those people sitting in that waiting room." He sighed, "And Kate. They all care about you so much, Alexis. They'd make sure that if something had happened to me you'd be taken care of."
Tears began to well up in her eyes again. Rick felt as if his tongue was now taking up his entire mouth, as he tried to speak.
"But let me make this perfectly clear for you. We absolutely cannot live our lives on 'what ifs'. We'll go crazy – at least, we'd be crazier than we already are." He made a thin attempt to smile. "All we can do is take it one day at a time, and make the most of every minute. Promise me that you'll do that for me."
She came in close enough to be in his arms again. "I can promise to try."
"I think I can take that."
Her eyes – his eyes – looked up at him. Her hair was rumpled from lying on her side on the hospital bed, and her face was pale with stress. "But I'm not going to promise you that I won't worry about you from now on. Not that I didn't care before, but this just…"
"I know. And I hate myself because you're going to worry."
"Don't," she countered.
"But I'm the parent. It's my job to be concerned for your safety. Not the other way around."
"Face it, Dad," she laughed, "I've kind of been acting as somewhat of a parent to you since I was old enough to talk. We sort of take turns at it. It's one of those funny things about us."
He smiled back at her, satisfied as much as possible for the time being. "I think we're just going to have to agree that we're always going to worry about each other for the rest of our lives."
"Deal."
He kissed her head again. "Do you want to head back?"
"Can we," she paused, "can we just stay here for a few more minutes? Just me and you?"
Alexis felt his arms tighten around her. "Just me and you," he whispered.
Everyone watched as Rick and Alexis left the room and headed down the hall. Not one of them knew what to say. They all sat, stunned and depressed. Finally Esposito grabbed Lanie's hand, claiming that he needed some air.
The room watched as the pair left the room, before turning back to each other.
Jim took the detective's vacated seat, looking at Martha, Ryan and Jenny. He leaned over, folding his hands together. "I uh…just wanted to thank you all. For being here. For being here for Katie."
Ryan shot up straight in his chair. "There's nowhere else we'd rather be Mr. Beckett. She's like a sister to me." He smiled.
"It means a lot to me to know that she has people like you in her life. And please, it's Jim."
Martha reached out from her chair, laying her hand over the distressed father's. "I think it's pretty safe to say that everyone in this odd little bunch understands the need for a family. We're all a little broken, but we…hold each other together, so to speak."
"I just…I don't know what I would do if-"
"Don't even think it," she interrupted. "That girl's a fighter. She'll beat this."
There was a soft knock on the doorframe, and all heads turned to see the man dressed in blue scrubs. "Mr. Beckett? I'm Joseph Weider, one of the residents on your daughter's surgical team."
Jim stood, trying to ignore the tiny, deep red flecks on his scrubs, that he was sure were his daughter's blood. "How's she doing?"
"All things considered, she's doing great. As well as could be expected, maybe even a bit better." The gentleman came further into the room, pulled the door closed behind him. "There's no denying the fact that she's got a long recovery ahead, and she'll most likely have some chronic pain for quite a while, but Dr. Allen, her surgeon, is sure that she'll make a full recovery, given time."
Wearily, Jim ran his hands over his face, brushing away the tears that had spilled over. "Thank god."
Ryan leaned around Jenny, looking a bit nervous himself, to ask, "Can we see her?"
Very politely and calmly, the nurse replied. "She's not out of surgery yet." He glanced at the clock, "And probably won't be for about another hour. We want to make sure that we've repaired every bit of damage. Mind you, she's quite lucky to be alive, just an hair more to her left and things would be very different." He smiled at the group as best he could, "As soon as she's out of the OR someone will come and let you know, then she'll need to be settled in recovery before we can begin allowing visitors."
The four people left in the room sighed, relieved.
"Mr. Beckett," the doctor looked at Kate's father again, "of course you'll be the first one we allow back, but you should remember that she'll probably still be unconscious, and won't look much herself. Considering that she'll be extremely fragile and sore for the next few days, her doctor's already decided to declare her 'critical' just to be on the safe side."
"Absolutely. Whatever's best for her. You don't need to worry about me arguing."
"I should get back. Feel free to take a nap and try to relax. I'll be back as soon as she's out of the OR."
They watched as the man turned and left, leaving the door shut again. Jim turned and looked at the loving faces behind him, and couldn't find the words to speak.
"Come on, Dear," Martha crooned, "you should rest." She motioned for Jim to take a seat on the lone couch in the room. "We'll be sure to wake you."
"Thank you." He smiled, "again."
"Here Jen," Ryan stood, holding out his hands to pull her up, "let's go find Castle and Alexis, let them know what's going on."
Jenny stood, wrapping an arm around his waist as they left the room, "We should let Lanie and Javi know too."
Sure enough, Lanie and Esposito had found their way downstairs, and out a side entrance. There had been a small park, probably intended for children in therapy, where they found a swing-set set up in the midst of a little garden covered by trees.
A little slice of life in the busy, dangerous city.
"Here," Esposito whispered, motioning for her to take a seat on the swing.
Lanie stepped forward towards him, almost cautiously, gripping the chains of the swing just below where his hands held on. Looking closely now, she could see the pallor to his usually rich skin, and the tension in his eyes. He was so tired, she thought. They all were.
"Hey," she rested a hand on his cheek.
"Hey yourself."
"I love you, you know."
Esposito leaned in, his lips meeting hers in a tender kiss. His hand came up to cup her cheek. "I love too, and don't you forget it."
"Not possible." She laughed, just barely, and turned to take a seat.
Ever so gently he began to nudge the swing back and forth, never once removing his hold on it.
"This is not exactly how I thought today would go." She sighed, "I figured after…after the funeral that we'd all go get something to eat. Maybe a drink. Then I thought we'd go back to your place – or mine, it doesn't really matter – and just…enjoy each other. I guess that's the right way to say it."
Lanie sat, being pushed back and forth by her favorite detective, musing at his unusual silence.
"This is so not what I wanted to do when I woke up this morning." She scooted her hands further up on the chains so that they overlapped with his.
"I hate this," he huffed. "Field full of cops and we didn't catch the bastard." He looked off, over his girlfriend's head as he spoke, feeling the comfort of her fingers running back and forth on his knuckles.
"Don't beat yourself up about it, baby. There was nothing you could do." Together they watched a couple of robins hop around the grass. "One day soon you'll find the person behind all this. I know you, and I know Kate, and I know Ryan, and…Castle. You guys will figure it out."
In a blink she had spun her head around to stare him down. "But you all better hold off until she's at a hundred percent again. You three are the only people I can trust to protect my girl."
He couldn't help but laugh at her ferocity over her best friend's welfare. "You know it. We'll put it off as long as we can, she'll have plenty of time to get back to her kick-ass self."
Lanie's head dipped, her chin hitting her chest, "she better."
Behind her, Esposito leaned down while pulling the swing back so that her back met his chest. He hated seeing her like this. She was his tough, saucy medical examiner. He never saw her crack. He tucked her into him, resting his chin on her head after giving her a kiss. "She will. She's Beckett. If anything she'll be too damn stubborn to let herself be taken care of." He reached up again, twisting the swing around by the chains so that she was facing him. "And she's gonna have you and Castle by her side all the time to make sure she doesn't do anything stupid."
It was the first time that whole day that he saw her smile. It made his heart lift.
"Earlier," she started quietly, "after we got here, and they took her back," she looked down, idly pushing herself back and forth with her toes, "I started asking myself what I would've done if you had been shot." When she looked back up at him there were tears in her eyes. "I can't have you on my table Javi. You're not allowed to end up there."
At the fall of those tears he had her in his arms. Her arms instantly tightened around his neck as she broke down. "Don't worry," he spoke into her neck, "the only way I'll ever end up getting killed is if you take me out. No one else is allowed to have a piece of me."
"Damn right no one else is allowed." Her voice was a complicated cocktail of tears and laughter, trying so hard to cheer up. "Javier Esposito," she pulled back to meet him eye-to-eye, letting him wipe her wet cheeks, "you are mine, to let live or die."
Before she knew what was happening his lips were crashing into hers. They dueled and danced with each other, sparks exploding behind their eyes. For a moment, everything disappeared and they were all that mattered in the world.
"One day, Lanie Parish, I promise you, I'm going to show everyone just how much we belong together."
"Really, now?" She said with a smile.
"Really. Hand to god, I swear, there will be a ring on your finger." His arms dropped to her waist, swaying them slowly. "Right here, right now, I'm promising you."
"Hmm," she grinned, "that's an awfully big promise. How about I make you one too?" Her lips pursed together when he flashed her that adorable smirk that met his eyes. "When that day comes, I promise you that there will be no argument from this party whatsoever."
"Sounds like a deal to me."
Just when their foreheads touched, he felt his pocket vibrate with a text.
Rick and Alexis looked up at the sound of Ryan clearing his throat. He was standing, rather swaying lightly from foot to foot, with his hand firmly laced in his fiancé's. For a brief moment, Rick feared the worst. The devastating news that something had gone wrong.
But then the corners of Jenny's mouth turned upwards, and his racing heart eased onto the brake.
"Hey," he nudged his daughter slightly, bringing her to a sitting position beside him. She was still groggy from the brief nap she took against his chest. As she rubbed the sleep from her eyes he beckoned his friends over with a wave of his hand.
"No," Ryan countered, "we were heading for a little walk of our own. But we wanted to come let you know that one of Beckett's nurses came in. She's doing fine." The detective watched the relief wash over his friend's face.
"He said that she'd probably be in for another hour or so," Jenny spoke up, "and after she was set up in a recovery room they'd let us see her for a few minutes." The petite woman pulled herself close to Ryan's side. "Someone will come and let us know as soon as she's out."
Rick nodded his head, idly running a hand up and down his little girl's back. His voice was a whisper. "Good," he looked at two of the many people who had become so important to him, "good, we'll be back in a few minutes. We could probably stand to clean up a bit, right, Lex?"
She mumbled her agreement, still exhausted from all the nerves.
"Sure," Ryan smiled, "we're just going to grab something to eat and stretch our legs." He paused, before turning to continue down the hall, "Before you head back you might want to pick up something for your mom. I don't think she's moved since we got here."
Jenny looked up as he spoke. She loved how compassionate he could be. One of the many, many reasons why she loved him. It was because of everything that she was proud to be by his side through the trauma. "Come on Kev," she patted his chest, "let's give them some space." Looking back at Castle and Alexis she managed a smile, "we'll see you two in a bit."
Swiftly, she turned them around, her arm wrapped around his waist. He had lifted his arm, letting her slip into his side and she pressed her cheek to the edge of his chest. It was slightly selfish of her, she thought, to be thankful that he and Esposito had made a rapid detour to change into their spare clothes from their precinct lockers. The warm cotton of his ancient NYPD tee was so much more comforting than this uniform blues.
She nuzzled her nose into the fabric. He may have smelled faintly of the sweaty, metal locker the shirt had been marinating in, but the first thing to hit her, was that he smelled like Kevin Ryan. The lingering smell of the cologne he applied that morning, a hint of the coffee house, their usual place, where they had shared their breakfast in before heading to the funeral, and something else, indefinable, that was just so distinctly him.
"I'm so glad everything's going to be okay." She sighed as they sat down in the cafeteria.
Kevin draped his arm across the back of her chair and idly twisted the ends of her hair. Something he often did when he was in a melancholy mood. "It's a start." He sighed, resting his head on the top of hers, "After one freakishly crappy day. I would love to know what we did that was so terrible to deserve this."
"Kevin," gently she ran her hand up and down overtop of his, "don't think like that. Nothing in the world could possibly be deserving of everything that's happened."
"I don't know. I just…don't know what to think. Or what to do. I hate feeling so useless."
"You are certainly not useless." She sat up, bringing her hands to his face. "I for one do not know what the hell I would do without you. And we both know that Esposito would probably find some way to injure himself if you weren't there to keep an eye on him."
Thankfully, he laughed, just barely, at her candor. "And Beckett would probably strangle Castle." Just as quickly as he had laughed, he stopped, his face dropping.
"Hey," she kissed the corner of his mouth, "she's going to be fine. I've only met her a handful of times and I can tell she's strong enough for all of you." With a smile she leaned closer to him, letting her arms wrap around his neck.
"I know." His eyes darted down, before looking at her again. "I know that, I really do. I just don't want you to lose sleep over me, because of…this. Because of everything that's happened in the last week. If I was that terrified Jen, I can only imagine how torn up you were, and I can't stand the thought that I make you worry."
His eyes were drawn so tightly he was giving himself a headache. There were tears threatening to pool, and it was taking all his strength to fight them.
"Kevin Ryan, I'm going to worry about you no matter what you do for a living, because I love you." She laughed, "I love that you're a cop. I love that I get to tell everyone that my soon-to-be-husband puts killers behind bars and saves lives everyday. And don't you ever forget how incredibly safe I feel when I'm with you."
Ryan tilted his head, flashing her a smile, "You know what?" She shook her head. "I'm pretty sure I'd be a depressed puddle of confusion without you."
Jenny smiled again, his heart warming at the adorable sight, "Well, I'm very happy that you'll never have to take the chance of finding out."
"Damn right," he took her face in his hands, just as she had done before, and kissed her soundly, breaking apart before he got lost in the moment. "You're stuck with me for good."
"Just how I want it."
"Mother?" Standing in front of her, Rick held out his hand, a concerned look in his eyes, "Are you alright?"
She looked up from her seat where she had been fingering the hem of her black suit jacket. "Sure."
Her son let out a heavy breath, taking the seat beside her. Lanie and Esposito had come back upstairs, and went in search of Ryan and Jenny, taking Alexis with them. When he had returned, Jim woke up from his fitful nap and took the opportunity to see what he could find out about how his daughter was doing.
Rick reached over, taking his mother's clammy hand in his. She felt so unusually small. He didn't like it.
Finally, her voice came out as a soft as a child's, "It was almost you."
"I know. That's what Alexis said, too." He gave her a quiet return, not knowing what he could possibly say to ease her mind. Alexis he could handle. He could promise her the world, because it was still all before her. But his mother, knew hardship, and knew that death truly could be just around the corner for anyone.
"I don't mean for it to sound selfish, or rude." She sighed. "Or heartless." Her free hand came to rest over his, resting over hers. "And, I really am proud of what you did, I hope you know that." She looked up into his eyes, still seeing the little boy she would always care for.
"I do."
"But, just like Kate is someone's child, you're mine. And, I can't help but remember, that it could very nearly have been you who got shot, and that it could be you in that operating room right now."
Rick wrapped her in an awkward embrace, pulling her into him. "I'm sorry."
"I don't want you to be sorry." She looked down at her lap. "You've grown into exactly the sort of man I always hoped you would. You're loving, generous, and respectful and…brave. Why the hell do you have to be so damn brave? I think this is the third or fourth time in a year that you've nearly gotten yourself killed. I wish you'd be just as careful as you were heroic."
"Isn't that the smallest bit ironic?"
"No." She cut him off. "It's not. It's smart. And I know for a fact that you're capable of that. And, I'm not saying that I want you to stop doing what you love, I just want…oh, I don't know." Again Martha looked up at him, "Just like I want you to remember how proud I am of you, I want you to always remember that it's your responsibility to come home in one piece every night."
"I promise, Mother, I'm always going to do everything in my power to do just that."
"Good. Because I don't think I'd be able to be this calm if you were the one on the other side of those doors and Kate was the one trying to comfort me." With a lift of her eyebrow and the faintest hint of a smile, she lowered her voice, "And dear god will you please tell the woman how you feel already?"
Rick sank down into his chair, stretching his legs out in front of him. "I did. Right then…but I don't know if she heard me, or if she'll even remember."
"Oh, Richard." Martha leaned over the armrests between the chairs, pulling his head to her shoulder.
"And I think she still has a boyfriend, which makes things even worse, because I can't possibly ask her to choose…when she's got other things to deal with."
"All you can do is be there for her. Just be the wonderful man you are, and she'll know."
Before he could reply the rest of their crowd came in again. There was no real talking going on, but he could tell that the break from the monotony of the waiting room did them all some good.
Everyone shuffled back in, the couples settling side-by-side, Alexis and Jim taking chairs against the adjacent wall.
"Yo, Castle, did you get any food for us?"
"You kidding?" He huffed at Esposito, "You want food? Go get it yourself. You've got two arms and feet to carry you down the hall."
"Fine." He laughed, taking Lanie's hand again, "I see how it is. See if I defend you the next time Beckett threatens to handcuff you to the car." He huffed, mocking the writer.
"Dude," he retorted, "that is so not funny. She said if she had to do that one more time she would leave me there for the whole day."
"How many times has she handcuffed you to something, Castle?" Ryan leaned over, posing his question past a giggling Jenny.
"Not counting the time she actually arrested me? I think twice."
"Well, you know what they say Dad, third time's the charm! Maybe next time you'll learn to stay put."
"You kidding?" Lanie piped in, "Alexis, your father has the least amount of self-control of anyone I know. And I think he does half the things he does simply because Kate tells him not to."
"Oh, and that has to just drive Katie up a wall," Jim laughed.
"Trust me," Lanie smiled, "it does! I'm the one who lets her vent."
They all laughed together, smiling again. But it wasn't long before a lull came over them. Esposito was the first to speak, posing the as yet unaddressed question.
"Where's she going to stay, when she's eventually sprung from this place?" He motioned his hand around in a circle over his head.
"Well she can't stay in her apartment," Lanie mentioned, "at least, not on her own."
"Well that's a given." Castle spoke up. "Maybe Josh would stay with her?" He hated that he even asked the question. But right now, he had to think of Kate before his own desires.
"He would," Lanie started, "if she was still seeing him. But even then, he works such odd hours that it probably wouldn't be wise."
"What-? She's not seeing him anymore?" He looked at his favorite medical examiner, grateful for her honesty with him.
"No, Castle. She's not." She seemed to read his mind, and gave him a promising look and smile. He didn't need to know why they weren't seeing each other anymore, Lanie though, and she was pretty sure that he didn't even care. The look of hope on his face was enough to tell her that.
Jim broke the silence, his head shaking, "I can't bring her out to my place. I'm not too far outside of the city, but it's far enough that she'd go crazy being cooped up there."
"She can stay with us Dad." All eyes darted to Alexis. "We have plenty of space. You could easily move the office furniture around so that a bed would fit in there. And she's stayed with us before, so it's not like it'll be a total comfort shock either."
"Richard that's a perfect idea. That way Kate could have some independent space but there'd still always be someone around."
"Hmm," he mused, "And Jim, we have a guest room, you're more than welcome to shack up with us for a while."
"You know," Ryan spoke up, as fabulous as this plan is, I know Kate, and she would not appreciate us making plans for her. We should give her the option, but let her decide for herself."
"Absolutely," Castle agreed. "I don't want to give her anymore reasons to threaten to kill me. Though, that would have to be some sort of stress relief for her."
The entire group smiled. Joking about Kate's recovery seemed to help solidify the notion that there would actually be a recovery. It helped squelch the fear that she wouldn't make it. And when the door opened to reveal a smiling doctor, the fear was smashed to pieces entirely.
He was a younger gentleman, with a neat head of hair, and a clean, bright face. His brown eyes shone with confidence. Airing on the side of 'short' he was just a pinch shorter than Ryan. Not at all what any of them pictured when they imagined the top trauma surgeon in the city.
But, what the hell? Who were they to judge at a time like this? Especially when he clearly had good news.
"I assume you're all here for Detective Beckett?"
Jim stood, extending his hand, "I'm her father."
The doctor returned the gesture with a firm grip, slick with a freshly scrubbed feeling. "I'm Doctor Zachary Allen. I'm pleased to say that she made it through the surgery with no major complications. We were able to remove the bullet, which had lodged itself just below her right lung and ribs. There was only minor damage to her liver. It was just enough of a clean shot that we were able to repair it without the need for a transplant or donation. I have no reason to believe that with the proper care she won't make a complete recovery." He looked up to see them all staring intently.
"I'm not going to lie, had the bullet gone any deeper, she would've suffered severe kidney damage. And, had it been just an inch to her left or down, we would be having an entirely different conversation right now. In a word," he looked at them all before returning to look Jim in the eye, "your daughter was extremely lucky."
"Thank you. Can I see her?" His hands shook from where he had shoved them, in his coat pockets.
"She's being taken to a private room right now. But," he paused, "I have to let you know, she won't look much like herself. She's still under a heavy anesthetic, and she'll seem a bit pale from the blood loss. Of course, there are quite a few wires keeping an eye on her heart rate and oxygen intake, I don't want you to be alarmed."
"Please Doctor Allen, I know. I just want to see my daughter."
"I understand, but I'm afraid I can only let you back right now. In about a half an hour the rest of you can stop in for a few moments."
The waiting party looked up, slightly annoyed, yet relieved. She was alive, and they would see her soon.
"Go ahead Jim," Castle motioned him to the door with his head. "We can wait patiently for a little while longer."
In a blink Lanie was out of her seat and rushing across the room to her best friend's father. Before he even knew what was happening, Jim found himself in a fierce hug. "Give her a kiss for me, okay?"
Her hug was returned quickly before Jim moved to follow the doctor out. "For all of us?" She pleaded.
"You don't even have to ask." He smiled, a faint, warm smile. "I'll be back shortly."
"Take your time, Dear," Martha motioned dramatically, "no need to worry about us."
The two nervous parents nodded to each other, Martha understanding the rush of love and fear he was experiencing right no. There was a collective sigh of relief when the doctor led Jim out.
The doctor led him down a new hallway. This one was lined with glass walls that served as a window to each and every patient. He passed four, or was it six rooms, before the doctor paused again. His tentative hand slid the door open.
Careful steps carried Jim through the doorway. The low rhythmic beep of the heart monitor flooded his ears, everything else fading to background noise. There she was, just lying there. If he didn't know any better, he would've thought his daughter was simply sleeping. But then again, the wires leading from her hospital gown and the IV drip hanging beside her were a dead give away of the reality.
He let out the breath he didn't even know he was holding, and stepped up to her side. He ran a warm hand gently over the side of her face and through her hair, unable to ignore how cold she felt. Slowly, he leaned over to kiss her forehead before pulling a chair up to the bedside.
"I love you so much sweetheart. And I know your mother's looking out for you, too. I don't think you ever truly realized just how much she loved you…how much we both love you." He sighed, thinking about the hodgepodge of people in the waiting room. "There are so many people who love you Katie." He wrapped his own two hands around her free one. "That's one hell of a family you've found."
There you have it! Honestly, I'm a bit nervous about it, as parts of it still sit funny with me. Though, when I read back through it, I really am satisfied with it as a whole. I suppose that's why it took me so long to get it done and ready to be posted for your reading eyes.
But, enough of my nervousness. Let me know what you think! Thank you so much for reading, I really appreciate what you have to say!
Tappin
=)