For what seemed like hours, I stared at the ledge in my room, looking over all of the names I had written over the years. Catherine Earnshaw, Catherine Heathcliff, and, the newest writings added these past weeks, Catherine Linton. Just a while ago, I had decided my fate, decided to go through with the plan I had hatched all those weeks ago.
Yet my chest felt extremely tight, like some unseen force was twisting it and wringing it painfully. I should be happy, shouldn't I? Edgar Linton had proposed, as I had hoped he would, and I accepted. In the near future I would become Catherine Linton, a wealthy and influential woman, and would be able to release Heathcliff from the torment and cage of Wuthering Heights.
No longer would he have to work degradingly as a servant under my brother's cruel orders. No longer would he have nothing to call his own. No longer would he be seen as an insignificant creature by others and mistreated due to his lack of name and property… It was funny how differently I thought now. Just a few months ago, I would not have given a second thought to all of these things. Money, power, influence… What did it matter to me before? If I was with Heathcliff, I would be content, happy even. That was all that mattered back then.
But I now knew that wouldn't be enough. Five weeks at the Grange was enough to have my eyes opened, to see how society truly worked. I hated every syllable that I had to hear said against Heathcliff, but they truly opened my eyes. No one cared for him as a person. Everyone saw him as a lowly gypsy without money and property. It didn't take me long to see that I couldn't marry Heathcliff. I just couldn't. We would have no place of our own, no money to sustain us, and would still be stuck at the Heights under Hindley's control. Heathcliff would still be treated horribly by everyone. No one's opinion about him would change.
Marriage wasn't an option. Oh, I remember how much I cried when I realized we would never be able to happily marry! Night after night, and day after day, when no one was looking. It was only when Edgar saw me and asked worriedly why I was crying that I realized there was a way out, a way that I could still be happy with Heathcliff. My Healthcliff.
It was simple! Society did not care for much more than wealth and property and name. What could be better, then, to simply marry Edgar and use my money as Mrs. Linton to provide for Heathcliff? Eventually, Heathcliff would make a name for himself and would definitely be both wealthy and owner of property! I did not doubt it. That was precisely why I gave so much attention to Edgar, why I quickly accepted his marriage proposal this afternoon. It was all as I had hoped, as I had planned. But why did I feel so horrible when everything was going so perfectly?
I could hear my brother arguing with Nelly downstairs. Could, perhaps, Nelly help me sort my feelings out? Throughout the entire argument I contemplated and thought about it, until I finally decided. Once the voices died down and all seemed peaceful again, I went downstairs.
I heard Nelly's sweet voice come from the kitchen and slowly I made my way towards the open door. For a while, I was hesitant. What I had to say had to be kept private at all costs, could it be that she was not alone in there? Tentatively, I poked my head inside the doorway.
"Are you alone, Nelly?" I whispered.
"Yes, Miss." She replied and I entered the kitchen. Nelly looked up at me expectantly, but I didn't have the courage to speak. Was it really wise to consult with her? More than likely, she would scold me for what I was about to tell her. Nelly began singing once again since I remained silent.
Doubts about my plan I did not have. No, I thought about it carefully and thoroughly these past weeks. It was the only way we could live happily. I knew Heathcliff would not agree to it at first, though, so I could not speak about it with him. For so long I kept it to myself, however, I felt like I needed to tell someone! To finally put into words what my mind had conjectured and memorized what seemed like ages ago.
"Where's Heathcliff?" I was finally able to say.
"About his work in the stable," was all she said and as soon as she uttered those words I felt like my chest was about to burst. My cheeks felt moist, and I realized I could hold it in no longer.
"Oh, dear! I'm very unhappy!" The confession simply flew from my mouth, as if it had been waiting years to be uttered.
"A pity," She began, looking at me sternly "You're hard to please – so many friends and so few cares, and can't make yourself content!" Oh, how wrong she was! I wanted to say that so desperately, but she would not believe me, I knew. Nonetheless, she was the only person to whom I could speak of such a thing, so I did not have much of a choice.
"Nelly, will you keep a secret for me?" I asked her, kneeling down next to her and looking directly at her imploringly. She seemed to analyze my face and, after some time, finally gave in, replying:
"Is it worth keeping?"
"Yes, and it worries me, and I must let it out! I want to know what I should do– Today, Edgar Linton has asked me to marry him, and I've given him an answer." I paused slightly, looking at Ellen seriously, "Now, before I tell you whether it was consent, or denial – you tell me which it ought to have been."
"Really, Miss Catherine, how can I know?" She looked quite puzzled. "To be sure, considering the exhibition you performed in his presence this afternoon, I might say it would be wise to refuse him – since he asked you after that he must either be hopelessly stupid, or a venturesome fool."
"If you talk so, I won't tell you any more" I rose to my feet and had half a mind to leave right then and there, even if I ended up never releasing the burden from my chest. My mind quickly changed, though; I had already begun the discussion, I might as well finish and relieve myself once and for all. "I accepted him, Nelly; be quick, and say whether I was wrong!"
"You accepted him? Then, what good is it discussing the matter? You have pledged your word, and cannot retract." This irritated me to no end. Could she not just merely answer the question?
"But, say whether I should have done so – do!" Nelly paused for a moment, and the look in her face immediately told me she would not simply answer my question. Knowing her as well as I did, I half knew what was coming, and so prepared myself for the questions that would no doubt be soon asked by her.
"There are many things to be considered, before that question can be answered properly," – Yes, yes, as expected, go on – "First and foremost, do you love Mr. Edgar?"
"Who can help it? Of course I do" And I was not lying, either. While initially I was not so taken by him, I did come to like Edgar very much over time. Nelly did not seem to be convinced of my affections, however, as she continued to inquire into them:
"Why do you love him, Miss Cathy?"
"Nonsense, I do – that's sufficient." She shook her head, however, and looked at me seriously.
"By no means; you must say why?"
"Well, because he is handsome, and pleasant to be with."
"Bad" Was all Nelly bluntly said, looking at me expectantly and prompting me to give what was, according to her, more appropriate reasoning for my affections.
"And because he is young and cheerful."
"Bad, still." And so I tried again –
"And, because he loves me."
"Indifferent, coming there." The fact that she did not accept anything I said irritated me, so I simply said as much of the truth as I could without revealing my true intentions.
"And he will be rich, and I shall like to be the greatest woman of the neighborhood, and I shall be proud of having such a husband."
Nelly was shocked at my words. She looked at me sternly and said "Worst of all!" but then quickly recomposed herself and, in a less accusing tone, then asked me: "And, now, say how you love him?"
"As everybody loves – You're silly, Nelly." An outsider would say that I was avoiding the question and, honestly, he would not be far from the truth. Nelly did not change her serious expression with my light-hearted answer, however, and continued to insist:
"Not at all – answer."
"I love the ground under his feet, and the air over his head, and everything he touches, and every word he says. I love all his looks, and all his actions, and him entirely and altogether." I looked at her straight in the eye as I said this, hoping that would satisfy her.
"And why?"
"Nay; you are making a jest of it: it is exceedingly ill-natured! It's no jest to me!" I turned around in frustration. Would she not quit her questioning? Oh, how irritating it all was! She would not even answer one question of mine.
"I'm very far from jesting, Miss Catherine," She began, and so I turned back around to listen to her, "You love Mr. Edgar because he is handsome, and young, and cheerful, and rich, and loves you. The last, however, goes for nothing: you would love him without that, probably; and with it you wouldn't, unless he possessed the four former attractions."
"No, to be sure not: I should only pity him—hate him, perhaps, if he were ugly, and a clown."
"But there are several other handsome, rich young men in the world: handsomer, possibly, and richer than he is. What should hinder you from loving them?" Because he was the only one within my immediate reach. Because he was the option that would allow me to remain close to Heathcliff. The list was endless, but I couldn't be honest with all my reasons.
"If there be any, they are out of my way: I've seen none like Edgar."
"You may see some; and he won't always be handsome, and young, and may not always be rich." But they would not fill all of the necessary qualifications as Edgar does, so he would do. But why did she need to know all of this? All I asked was whether what I was doing was right or wrong!
"He is now; and I have only to do with the present. I wish you would speak rationally." I nearly grit my teeth as I answered. Make haste, Nelly! Pray just answer the question.
"Well, that settles it: if you have only to do with the present, marry Mr. Linton." Could it be that she had forgotten the question? Because I am still not receiving an answer!
"I don't want your permission for that—I shall marry him: and yet you have not told me whether I'm right." I skillfully reminded her of my question. Honestly speaking, all I wished to do was show Nelly how frustrated I was, but that would only leave the answer even farther away from her tongue. I needed to remain on her good side.
"Perfectly right; if people be right to marry only for the present. And now, let us hear what you are unhappy about. Your brother will be pleased; the old lady and gentleman will not object, I think; you will escape from a disorderly, comfortless home into a wealthy, respectable one; and you love Edgar, and Edgar loves you. All seems smooth and easy: where is the obstacle?" And as she asked this, I felt my chest burst with my burden, with all of my hidden feelings.
"Here! And here!" I nearly cried out as I pointed at my head and then at my chest. Perhaps I was speaking too much now, but my words just kept pouring forth, as if I couldn't keep them contained any longer "in whichever place the soul lives. In my soul and in my heart, I'm convinced I'm wrong!"
"That's very strange! I cannot make it out." She looked genuinely puzzled at my contradictions. I had wished to keep this short and keep my privacy, but I could not control myself properly as I continued to speak, continued to expose myself.
"It's my secret. But if you will not mock at me, I'll explain it: I can't do it distinctly; but I'll give you a feeling of how I feel." I sat down next to her as I said this, already knowing that I would pour my entire soul before her. My hands trembled, but I continued nonetheless, "Nelly, do you never dream queer dreams?"
"Yes, now and then."
"And so do I. I've dreamt in my life dreams that have stayed with me ever after, and changed my ideas: they've gone through and through me, like wine through water, and altered the colour of my mind. And this is one: I'm going to tell it—but take care not to smile at any part of it." Hearing this she startled, voiced her objections, and motioned to stand, but I looked at her sternly and with my hand led her back to her seat. Nelly would not have it though, even upon my insistence. When I wished to finally tell her of my dream, she began to chant "I won't hear it!" over and over, in the most irritating of ways. Had I not listened to her questions and answered them patiently? Fine, then, I would change the topic.
"If I were in heaven, Nelly, I should be extremely miserable." To this new topic she reacted well, even if a little coarsely.
"Because you are not fit to go there. All sinners would be miserable in heaven." I ignored her rudeness, and stated that that had nothing to do with it. As soon as I mentioned that I dreamt such a thing, however, she tried to leave once again! I pushed her back down in her chair again. Truly, all I now wished was to pour my heart out and this woman refused to listen!
"This is nothing," I reassured her, and released her once I saw she would not try to leave again, "I was only going to say that heaven did not seem to be my home; and I broke my heart with weeping to come back to earth; and the angels were so angry that they flung me out into the middle of the heath on the top of Wuthering Heights; where I woke sobbing for joy. That will do to explain my secret, as well as the other. I've no more business to marry Edgar Linton than I have to be in heaven; and if the wicked man in there had not brought Heathcliff so low, I shouldn't have thought of it. It would degrade me to marry Heathcliff now; so he shall never know how I love him: and that, not because he's handsome, Nelly, but because he's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same; and Linton's is as different as a moonbeam from lightning, or frost from fire." Confessing such a thing, the burden in my chest truly was much lighter. I felt relieved, almost, and felt I could breathe a sigh of relief, until Ellen hushed me and again agitation took over me. I looked around the kitchen nervously. "Why?"
"Joseph is here and Heathcliff will come in with him. I'm not sure whether he were not at the door this moment."
"Oh, he couldn't overhear me at the door!" My stomach churned and I felt a jolt go through my entire body. Heathcliff was the last person that should hear what I just said, the absolute last! Just thinking of him possibly hearing anything left me completely and absolutely distressed, embarrassed, upset, and all other variations possible. "Give me Hareton, while you get the supper, and when it is ready ask me to sup with you." I began, and then quickly explained myself once Nelly looked at me questioningly, "I want to cheat my uncomfortable conscience, and be convinced that Heathcliff has no notion of these things. He has not, has he? He does not know what being in love is!"
"I see no reason that he should not know, as well as you, and if you are his choice, he'll be the most unfortunate creature that ever was born! As soon as you become Mrs. Linton, he loses friend, and love, and all! Have you considered how you'll bear the separation, and how he'll bear to be quite deserted in the world? Because, Miss Catherine—"
"He quite deserted! we separated!" I couldn't mask my horror at such a horrid and absolutely preposterous scenario. Why, that was the only thing that could not and would not ever, ever happen! "Who is to separate us, pray? They'll meet the fate of Milo! Not as long as I live, Ellen: for no mortal creature. Every Linton on the face of the earth might melt into nothing before I could consent to forsake Heathcliff. Oh, that's not what I intend—that's not what I mean! I shouldn't be Mrs. Linton were such a price demanded! He'll be as much to me as he has been all his lifetime. Edgar must shake off his antipathy, and tolerate him, at least. He will, when he learns my true feelings towards him. Nelly, I see now you think me a selfish wretch; but did it never strike you that if Heathcliff and I married, we should be beggars? whereas, if I marry Linton I can aid Heathcliff to rise, and place him out of my brother's power." I only realized after I had spoken that, in my anxiety and passion, I had just revealed the one thing that I never thought of uttering to anyone but its benefactor.
"With your husband's money, Miss Catherine?' Nelly looked absolutely horrified at what I had just revealed. Certainly, now, a scolding would follow! "You'll find him not so pliable as you calculate upon: and, though I'm hardly a judge, I think that's the worst motive you've given yet for being the wife of young Linton."
"It is not!" My entire being protested against such an accusation and my entire body shook with a mixture of powerful emotions that I cannot and most likely will never be able to describe. "It is the best! The others were the satisfaction of my whims: and for Edgar's sake, too, to satisfy him. This is for the sake of one who comprehends in his person my feelings to Edgar and myself. I cannot express it; but surely you and everybody have a notion that there is or should be an existence of yours beyond you. What were the use of my creation, if I were entirely contained here? My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries, and I watched and felt each from the beginning: my great thought in living is himself. If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger: I should not seem a part of it.—My love for Linton is like the foliage in the woods: time will change it, I'm well aware, as winter changes the trees. My love for Heathcliff resembles the eternal rocks beneath: a source of little visible delight, but necessary. Nelly, I am Heathcliff! He's always, always in my mind: not as a pleasure, any more than I am always a pleasure to myself, but as my own being. So don't talk of our separation again: it is impracticable; and—" The emotions were overbearing, I couldn't speak any longer. My heart, my chest, my stomach, my whole body! It shook, it swirled, and tightened, to the point where I had no choice but to bury my face in Nelly's gown to suppress them. They were so, so overbearing, so powerful so, so – Ellen jerked away her dress and interrupted my train of thoughts at that instance.
"If I can make any sense of your nonsense, Miss, it only goes to convince me that you are ignorant of the duties you undertake in marrying; or else that you are a wicked, unprincipled girl. But trouble me with no more secrets: I'll not promise to keep them." I looked at her for quite some time, disbelieving and at the same time afraid that she truly might not keep everything a secret.
"You'll keep that?" I asked eagerly, looking at her intently. She denied me, however, and, just as I was about to insist, Joseph walked into the kitchen and the topic was officially ended for the moment.