Walking truly wasn't the problem I was worried about the minute I trudged out of Bullfrog's car. The problem was keeping my head held high and making my feelings disappear into thin air. Throwing all my worries out the window like they were as light as dust and pretending as if I was okay with everything that happened a week ago. I wasn't. I'm not sure if I ever will be but I have to seem like I'm fine. Like I'm normal Eli again. Good old Eli. Sarcasm swishing from my lips whenever I speak and hiding tricks up my sleeves. But in reality, the old Eli was gone. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm a monster. As she said once. A heartless monster. One that ruins lives, hopes, and dreams. One that ruins everything. I turned my mind off, putting all inside arguments aside, and continued to walk towards the entrance of the school where Adam had said he'd meet me. I wasn't shocked to see him leaning again the chain link fence as I passed the last bit of it. "Hey, dude. How did I know you'd be early?"
"Oh you know me, just making sure you don't do anything you'll regret later on."
"Adam. I don't even think I can even look at her. Why on Earth would I want to start a conversation with her?" I asked with full curiosity hanging off the words.
"Well, looks like you have to bud," he patted my right shoulder lightly, "Because she looks like she's
waiting for us."
His words shook me to the core. My eyes immediately left the concrete and were now locked with hers. "Adam. I can't," I whispered, fear evident in my voice.
"You can do this. Pretend like nothing happened, like we talked about last night. Okay?"
"Fine," I growled. My feet stopped and planted themselves the minute I heard her speak,
"Hey Adam!" she paused, "Hi, Eli…"
My breath caught. My mind was racing with thoughts. A simple reply, Eli. Just say hello. Don't push her. Space. Remember? Space. You don't want to worry her with your stupid mental problems. You don't want to scare her do you? No. So, go ahead. Be calm. Be yourself.
Who is "myself"? Who am I?
"Hey," I spoke. Stern, calm, collected. My words lingered in the air for a few moments before Adam decided to break up the awkwardness.
"Anyways.. I have to help Eli get to class seeing as he's a cripple for his first day back, so we should get going.."
"Oh.. okay. Wait," her arm extended at me as I began to pull my body upward, towards the doors of the school, "How is your foot? It's not broken or anything…right?"
"He ha-," I cut Adam off, "I have a fracture. Nothing too horrible. So don't worry about it. I really do need to get going, so Adam if you want to stay I really don't mind I'm capable of walking to my locker on my own."
"Nah, I'm comin' sorry Clare. See you in English," his words helped me feel a little less stressed. As I made my way up the stares I could feel her stares burning into the back of my skull. The pain was unbearable. I longed for her touch. To breathe in her intoxicating scent. To hold her in my arms, capture her lips in surprise. I couldn't. Never again. She wasn't mine, she never really was. She wasn't a possession for me to want. That was never the case. All I wanted? All I ever wanted was her love.