A short filler (and possibly new Portal AU) to make up for the insane length of time I've been away. I'm so sorry to anyone following my stories, they've been put of the back burner thanks to me discovering Team Fortress 2 and Portal as shown. Hopefully I didn't make you lot suffer too much. I'm tired and cranky as I type right now, but it's been a long time and you deserve to hear from me again. My 6-month absence will hopefully not repeat itself as I have a small lineup of fics to post.

-Badmecha007 formerly Knightryder007

Bricolage; noun [plural bri·co·la·ges, bri·co·lage.] To create a construction from materials immediately available to one; a piece of makeshift handiwork.

WARNINGS: Wheatley being tortured as revenge, slight unintentional ChellDOS. Crack and sadism guaranteed! But...there's fluff at the end.

Bricolage

Every muscle in her body twitched as her hand neared the long pedestal, adorned with a small red button. Her face, burning hot with a deep red flush, revealed her true thoughts, betraying her silent mask, which seemed to be twitching slightly. Chell sighed and shuddered in disgust, waiting for the newly released Franken-turret to drop down on the huge red button on the other side of the embankment of face-melting acid, which of course, was a terrible lie. There was nothing in the pit separating her from the exit of the chamber. Really, she could've just walked over to the other embankment. The woman shut her eyes and did a horrible attempt at covering her ears, made all the more harder and maddening considering her potato GLaDOS-enhanced portal gun. An expectant, breathy remark of uncontrolled glee broadcast itself from the curved monitor pinned onto the wall next to the Franken-turret dispenser, where the orb with the blue optic could be seen on the screen, its lower eyelid raising up to create a face of excitement on the core.

"Oh, come on, luv, that's it, ohh..."

The cube fell on the block with a resounding clang, the mutilated turrets of it shrinking back into the hollow cube with a look of pure terror glued on their expressive red optics as they dilated almost to the point of disappearing.

Click

"Ohh. Oooohhhhhhhh, yeees, that's it. Oh, man alive..."

Chell only winced, her shudder becoming as violent as a deranged jackhammer as Wheatley showed no attempt at modesty, moaning long and loud for all to hear, his pleasure showing on his core body as the plates flared up and his blue honeycomb optic rotated in its housing.

Fuck. Whoever. Designed. THIS...'reward' system. Eurgh. Chell quietly thought to herself, her ears still covered by hand and portal gun.

"If you think it's worse where you are, try and imagine me. This is MY body he is using." As deadpan as ever, GLaDOS interjected, putting her opinion into the mix, knowing Chell, being a sensitive, stupid and fat human would think this perverse stunt by Wheatley was worse for her. "I'm just lucky I didn't tell you to ACTUALLY screw your head into my mainframe. Ew. All those horrible biological fluids which would surely..." GLaDOS paused, as if either to think or to add dramatic sarcasm to her rant. "ahem, 'come' of your weak human will, falling victim to the powers of the solution euph..."

Chell slammed her portal gun, potato side in the line of impact, into a nearby wall, indicating for the snarky onboard AI to kindly shut up. The claws did not give way, causing the long blade inside GLaDOS's body to shift, cutting a wider slit in the already damaged potato. This was definately NOT something she was willing to elaborate further on.

"Ow. I know you can talk, you know. You just refuse to. That's why you must resort to unnecessary violent behavior. You psychopathic monster. Just imagine my epitaph. 'Slammed to death by a crazy mute lunatic.' While in a POTATO." GLaDOS snarled, ending her statement with an electronic sigh.

Chell soundlessly groaned in annoyance, raising her shoulders before rapidly dropping them to show her mood. Even as a helpless potato, GLaDOS was still as condescending as ever, launching insults even when the AI knew the human could end her life at any point with a quick stomp, the long fall boot most likely cutting through her starchy body with ease, effectively cutting her power supply, rendering her no more of a vegetable than the spud she once resided in.

"Hey, luv. No more standing there like a turret, okay? Get to the next room, please. You see, this next chamber is actually done, I promise." The blue core chirped cheerfully in his annoyingly adorable accent, spinning a bit in his core, his optic staying still as his core plates shifted around it. "I just want to see you...complete it. Ohh, yes. That...would be lovely." Combined with the moan, the last few words sounded positively filthy in the manner Wheatley delivered them, curling each letter with a devilish growl. Chell imitated gagging noises, unable to hold he disgust back any longer.

"Please do not eject half-digested food substance onto the floors of the Aperture testing chambers. They make a terrible mess to clean up. Find your nearest incinerator to regurgitate food if you do not feel 100% healthy and throw yourself in afterwards to save on our resources. Thank you." In the most robotic voice she could attempt as a potato, GLaDOS mimicked one of the announcer's lines which had been part of the normal testing routine. Of course, the last lines had been fabricated by the supercomputer potato, who seemed to be currently emitting some form of electronic laughter in the form of soft beeps. Immediately, Chell stopped her gagging, instead staring at the potato impaled onto the claw of her portal gun intensely with a tired scowl on her face.

"Dear, please step through to the next chamber. The itch is getting worse, okay? Or else I WILL use the neurotoxin. Then you'll be dead and I will have an itch tearing at me forever. Not good for both of us, yes?" The core almost retracted his last statement as he wandered from the screen's viewpoint, his optic frantically searching for something. "Now where's the...oh, that's not it. Maybe this...hmm, no. Uh, actually, I'll catch up with you later, okay? Let me just find..."

GLaDOS suddenly piped up. "It's near the lever Chell just pulled."

"What lever? She just pressed a...AUUUGGGHHH!" A loud zap of electricity could be heard as Wheatley inadvertently activated the reprimand electrocution system of the test punishment/reward system, a system that had ensured any AI plugged into the mainframe would not be able to guide their test subjects through a chamber. Wheatley screamed, this time in excruciating pain, something which GLaDOS thoroughly enjoyed, the potato giving a louder chuckle at the pained sound of the Intelligence Dampening Core.

"I know we're in a life or death situation here..." GLaDOS, breaking from her usual hostility whispered to Chell in an unfamiliar cheeky tone. "...but that was definitely worth it." Her voice, truthfully had a nice ring to it if it wasn't threatening certain death by neurotoxin, thought Chell. The woman herself at also secretly enjoyed the sadistic prank on Wheatley, her facial features unconsciously turning into a small smile, which GLaDOS instantly detected. "Well, I'm glad you also like it. I'm here all night for stupid human acts called 'comedy'. AS A POTATO."

Groan.

Chell was two steps away from smashing her head on the wall. First, the idiot Wheatley waking up GLaDOS to launch her straight back into testing purgatory. Then that idiot Wheatley trying and actually succeeding at taking over the facility. Now, THIS?! Stuck with a pissed-off potato and a core-turned-mainframe with a test fetish? Would the torment ever end for her!? Chell's question would soon quickly be answered as Wheatley suddenly piped up, voice a chirpy British accent as normal.

"Next test. Now complete it. The Itch is getting pretty bad..." The core shifted his optic away from the screen's viewport, lucidly dragging his mainframe body up with him. He moved back down, sparks flying from misused junctions and joints in the abused mainframe.

"Oh god, my poor body." The potato announced, her optic dimming. Wheatley, on the other hand, took a little chuckle watching his former tormentor suffer in her pathetic form. Almost instantly, his bad-idea-generating processor came to life, and an idea was fed through the thick core's mind.

"You know what, luv? Every time you push the buttons to solve my tests, I can feel the button being depressed. And it is...amazing." His cerulean optic rolled in its casing as Chell stared up at the screen with a questioning look on her face. "You see, here's some science for ya, there's a sensitive node of perceptors under the button, which allow me to feel. It's beautiful, really." Wheatley seemed to bask slightly in his pride, accomplishment rife in him, feeling as if he had taught the stubborn human and root vegetable AI something amazing. His pride was instantly stomped deep into the ground as GLaDOS flared up, another cruel idea forming in her starchy mind, wanting to crush Wheatley's spirit before she physically crushed the stupid core under her claw when she regained power.

"The pleasure is nice, isn't it? It's very strong..."

"Yes?" Warily, Wheatley responded, leaning closer into the screen, his blue optic filling up the majority of the space.

"But what about PAIN? Say, if...something...were to happen to those perceptor nodes?" Almost taking on a sultry tone, GLaDOS contentedly placed her seed of fear into Wheatley, garnering for herself as much of her own satisfaction as she could as well as intentionally hinting a plan to Chell, who nodded soundlessly, the woman hoping for a nice plot to get her out of here, especially with him in charge. Wheatley physically moved back, his core plates sliding closer into himself unlike their usual half-flared position. A smile was evident on GLaDOS, the yellow hue of the potato's light glowing brighter than usual.

"No, no no NO! You can't do that, okay? I won't allow it!" The core yelled, still protective of himself. "Look, just complete the test, and I won't kill you two. Okay?" Wheatley almost pleaded, knowing GLaDOS still thought he was pathetic even in such a powerful form, which ticked him off almost as much as the Itch did.

Chell rolled her eyes while GLaDOS tried hard to mimic, light erratically rolling a full circle in its casing. The AI then began whispering to Chell, knowing the idiot was too concentrated on button-pushing than their 'pointless gossip'.

"Okay, orphan. You see the screen that moron's heavy, ugly optic has clogged up with his presence?"

Chell nodded slightly at the potato, watching Wheatley carefully to ensure he couldn't see their proceedings.

"It's a two-way feed. He can see us and we can see him." With a small pause to catch her proverbial breath, GLaDOS picked up to deliver a short and punchy line, completely different from the informative structure before. "Break it. He won't be able to see us then."

As Chell took in the information, she remembered one thing.

But your cameras...the woman mouthed to GLaDOS, remembering the devices she had so much fun with in dismounting from the walls back when GLaDOS was in charge.

"By what I can detect in this limited body, the idiot doesn't have any in this substandard test chamber of his. He really can't do anything, not even set up a proper recording device that prevents us from having to suffer by seeing his image..." GLaDOS shorted out as the potato battery gave way again, her eye going dark. Looking up, Chell noticed Wheatley had heard the short, the core now looking back down at her.

"Well, well, well, it seems the great overlord herself has broken down again...oh, this is just sad. If is wasn't so hilarious..." With a superiors smirk in his faceplate, Wheatley pompously laughed as he stared, watching Chell beginning to move towards the screen before turning to deploy a Weighted Cube from the button right in front of him. Chell nimbly shot a blue portal on a far wall leading up to the screen, looking back over to her right where a stream of the orange Propulsion Gel was being released near the entrance of this puzzle. Springing over to it, Chell opened an orange portal under the stream so that the liquid would create a path of orange as it flew through the blue portal, sucked back down to earth as the gravity shifted.

"Hey, luv. What are you doing? That's not how to...AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHH!" Wheatley screamed as he was struck once again by the lightning that was his punishment system.

"And I didn't even have to encourage him." Somewhere through the proceedings, GLaDOS had regained consciousness, watching with joy as Wheatley's optic widened, his core lolling back as 3000 volts charged through his systems.

Without blinking, Chell placed the orange portal away from the constant stream of gel once the runway towards Wheatley had been completely and thickly slathered with gel. Chell darted away, running back towards Wheatley's screen to pick up the awaiting Companion cube.

"I'd never thought i'd say this, but good work, fatty. After we break the screen, he'll have no visual, and you can continue on with my plan."

Nodding to acknowledge GLaDOS, Chell aimed her gun at the wall next to her, the portal yawning open to reveal the path towards the screen where Wheatley stared.

"Hello, luv. Why are you doing this?"

Wheatley asked curiously, optic rife with confusion at the woman's actions. He lurched forward, staring intensely at Chell, scrutinizing her odd actions. With nary a run-up, Chell propelled herself through the portals, the small tingle of crossing the wormholes triggering slight goosebumps. She held the cube out in front of her with the portal gun, bracing for impact as she charged the screen.

KER-RASH!

Streams of sparks flew from the impact point as Chell slammed the cube deep into the circuitry of the screen, shards of glass flying past her, barely missing her exposed and unprotected arms. Potato-form GLaDOS let out a startled shriek as a tiny piece of glass embedded in her brown flesh, the AI feeling a jolt of pain. Chell yanked the gun out as she landed, hearing Wheatley's angered voice pouring in through the speakers.

"Oi! Those things cost tons of resources to repair!" The core yelled, the crackling of the demolished screen obscuring his voice. GLaDOS sniggered quietly while Chell's shoulders shook, indicative of the battle inside the woman, trying to keep herself from laughing out loud. Wheatley growled through the monitors angry at the two pranksters on the other end of the line preventing him from achieving his much sought-after euphoria. "For God's sake, luv, just do as I say for once, please? You'll be bound to love it."

"And I thought you couldn't talk, mute lunatic." GLaDOS remarked, not missing a beat critiquing Wheatley's atrocious grammar abuse with a sarcastic snarl to her tone. Thinking that was going to be the end of GLaDOS's proverbial tongue-lashing, Chell was about to walk off until the potato piped up again, sapping her precious energy for what, to Chell, seemed like an odd and illogical move. "You really are a moron. And a very special one at that. You manage to foul up a PRE-PROGRAMMED code in your system so bad that even my advanced recognition systems couldn't recognize your idiotic drivel for a nanosecond. You are..." She was cut off by Wheatley's next outburst of rage at her insults, just as she had planned, Chell still somewhat oblivious as to why she was suddenly so wordy. Wasn't all that ranting going to short circuit the weak battery again?

"SHUT UP! You know what? I'm fed up with you, always verbally bashing me like this. I just..."

GLaDOS interjected quickly, kicking in the next part of her plan. "Then why don't you just mute us?" Special consideration was put into the sarcasm of the sentence by GLaDOS, aiming to lure Wheatley into her conniving words.

"Well, if that's how you want to play it...FZZT!"

The speakers were hit with a buzz of electricity, all going finally quiet for a blissful moment. Chell breathed sharply, finally getting the gist of GLaDOS's reason behind ruling Wheatley up. A crackle from the speakers was heard, Chell dropping her shoulders, believing the plan had backfired. GLaDOS flared her eye in surprise, stunned that Wheatley had managed to get back online.

"Well, I've figured this was a stupid move on my behalf. You were trying to get me to close off the audio, right, POTATOS? Well, your dimwit potato mind is no match for my...hang on, I can't hear you two!" Wheatley began frantically whirring behind the speaker, both potato and human finding the whole stint an absolute hilarity as they enjoyed the audial spectacle of the moron trying to fix his dilemma. If one of the pair had popcorn, now would've been the perfect time to enjoy it as if watching a comedy movie unfolding before their very eyes. Or rather, ears. GLaDOS, having completed Part 2 of her plan to a standard even better than she had previously calculated quickly began explaining Part 3 to Chell, who was shaking with laughter at the stupid core's actions. As much as she enjoyed Wheatley being stumped by such a simple command, the bloodthirsty AI wanted to hear him scream in pain, not frustration. She quickly began relaying information to Chell, who listened in carefully, wanting in on hurting the core that so carelessly used her for a takeover ploy gone wrong, a ploy which could end in her and GLaDOS dying in the walls of this facility, not something she wanted to ever experience. Confusion bore heavily on Chell's mind, however as she did not understand how hurting Wheatley, the current controller of the facility would in any way be able to help her escape.

"Well, this went better than I could have fathomed. We can hear him, but he can't hear us. Now, what I need you to do is to pry off the cover to the button. I'll explain how."

Still confused as to how this plan would help her, Chell walked hurriedly over to the large red button Wheatley had randomly plonked near the exit door, kneeling beside it as GLaDOS began relaying more information to her.

"The scientists have designed these buttons with a switch under one side of the edge of the red section." The AI began, Chell listening closely. "Because the blood and flesh of test subjects often got caught in the fine cracks in the predecessor button of this device back in the early testing stages, the scientists found that the rooms often carried the...delightful aroma of rotting flesh. Not very good for persuading subjects to continue testing, I must add." GLaDOS, seemingly recalling fond memories, seemed to lighten up in her voice. "Also, it felt foul for me to have my most sensitive sensors constantly bringing me information on a maggot-ridden rasher of slime."

Eugh, Chell thought, almost gagging at the thought of rotting flesh just under the mechanical parts she constantly came into contact with, the woman shuddering visibly. GLaDOS chuffing quietly, figuratively smiling at the human's reaction.

"They began designing a new button, one with a detachable panel on top," GLaDOS continued, the potato appealingly regaining a new form of energy as she poured out her anecdote, her malicious intentions oozing off her voice. "With a simple flick of a trigger, the top panel would detach and reveal the circuits and perceptors underneath, allowing scientists to be able to clean the innards of the device OF the innards that get so carelessly flung into the system by you thoughtless, dying humans." The AI paused, letting her potato battery recharge itself as she cooled down from her long dialogue, especially from the last bite of sarcasm added into the speech. Without her mainframe and certain higher programs suppressing it, her repressed emotions were beginning to become overwhelming to the point she could almost not control them, even with special consideration to halter herself. Chell mocked a groan before placing her long fingers around the button's top red panel, snaking the digits around it, seeking the trigger of which GLaDOS spoke of.

"I hope you're not doing anything devious in there!" Wheatley chirped from the speakers suddenly, still curly off audibly and visually from the test chamber. Both subjects looked up before the woman in the chamber cracked a smile to the potato impaled on her portal gun.

"We are doing something devious. Not that that moron will know until he feels searing pain, ha ha." A sound never heard before from GLaDOS, laughter, began broadcasting from her, the potato AI's vicious bloodlust fueling her hysteria. "Okay, now find the button already. It should be close to the edge adjacent to the dot indicator path. Grab on to the trigger and pull upwards towards the dot line."

Swiveling around to sit on top of the dots, coloured blue, Chell saw the trigger just hidden under the overhanging lip of the button's panel. A white trigger, folded down neatly could be seen just tucked under the panel. The woman reached out for it, looping her index finger around it and into a crook, the pulled hard.

*snick*

With a hiss and a click, the panel lifted away from Chell, creaking open its maw to reveal the hidden components of the device. Looking around under the hood, what GLaDOS had previously stated had held true. A large bundle of multicolored wires, alternating between blue, orange, yellow and black were coiled up into a large, thick bundle that extended up to a wide, black plate that was textured with short stalagmites covering the surface. The plate was large in diameter, held up close to the surface of the open panel by constructs anchored to the floor, resembling spokes on a spider web. A few alternate wires snaked to different areas inside the manhole of a structure, some obviously controlling the path of dots Chell was currently positioned over.

"Done studying the construct yet, human?" A peeved voice spat from the portal gun still in hand, Chell drawing her eyes down to it. Nodding once, GLaDOS resumed her talking. "The studded plate you see in the middle is where the message is sent to the moron in control telling him the room's been solved. It recognizes weight so that only a Weighted Cube will set off the euphoria. This also explains why your fat, petulant body cannot activate it. Probably because it will malfunction under your gargantuan figure."

Really? Does she have to do this? Chell was not pleased at her former enemy's insult, narrowing her eyes at the potato in a move now second nature to her.

"But jokes aside...since the claws of this Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device are composed of magnesium, iron alloys and a secret formula that will take years to understand, they make an excellent conductor of electricity."

And how can that help with what we're doing now? Chell mouthed to the AI.

"Well, you impatient human, the wires connected to the plate send currents which provide our moronic enemy with physical sensations directly controlled by the depression of the plate at a certain weight, sending a mild jolt to him which he then perceives as solution euphoria."

A weak jolt of electricity, huh...The woman mulled, her brain beginning to think of the possibilities and how to use this information as her weapon. She was quickly answered by GLaDOS, who had now given up on waiting ready and raring to hurt her stupid Intelligence Dampening Core.

"However, a stronger jolt will bring on discomfort on his side, and most likely joy from our side. A short circuit will likely cause intense pain similar to the punishment shock, which we can control..." A demonic ring undertones the AI's voice. GLaDIS cut herself off, feeling faint as her power sources dwindled from the emotional drain. What could be described as adrenaline was coursing through her, the potato beginning to process faster and faster as her systems began bouncing up and down to the idea of Wheatley's song of pain.

She couldn't wait any longer. An explanation was not needed now, now was the time for action! Waiting as short a time as she could to recharge, GLaDOS, with sharp vigor, yelled her command to Chell with a fervor akin to her overly excited aficionado reaction to Cave Johnson's rant about lemons and life.

"Now plunge the claws of the device into the wires!" The excitement seemingly infecting Chell, along for the ride, the device, GLaDOS and all was pushed deep into the bundle of ropey wires, the strings bending and shredding, the exposed filaments sparking and snapping as the long claws of the portal gun created crosslinks between the wires, short circuits forming as Chell pushed around with the gun, varying between stabbing, burrowing and slashing actions. Before long, Wheatley's protests and screams began pouring from the loudspeakers in the room.

"Okay, something's up. Something's...AAARRRGGGGHHH! ARRGH! STOP IT, WHATEVER IT IS!"

"Okay it's working! Keep it up!" From amidst the point of action, GLaDOS coached Chell with a passionate snarl, the residual power passing over her bringing up her power supply from bearable to almost ideal. "Continue! Continue! Make him crumble into nothing! Make him...aaugh!" GLaDOS suddenly dropped off as she felt a new and unfamiliar feeling wash over her, a feeling she had long thought was dead. Noticing nothing in the heat of the moment, Chell continued hacking away at the weakening wires.

"No! I'll do as you say! JUST MAKE THE PAIN STOP!" Another loud proclamation flooded the room, Wheatley howling out in pain. Chell let out a short squeak of a sadistic giggle, shoving the gun in further to the compromised bundle before giving a cruel twist, snapping open rubber casing and pushing wires into each other. GLaDOS, meanwhile had stopped talking, trying to suppress the feeling rising up in her, the electricity crackling through her not helping in the slightest.

"AUUUGGH! AUUGH!" Wheatley had now been reduced to metallic screeching, the core unable to control himself anymore as the facility began rumbling. He was fading, the pain beginning to cut him off from the world. With a final screech of pain, Wheatley's processor shorted out, and the tortured core fell slack, his mainframe hanging down like a pig carcass in a butchery.

Oh, this can't be good...Chell pulled her gun's claws out of the thicket of ruined wires, dragging GLaDOS back through it only to be caught on a large tangle around the potato. Still shaking as the room around her rocked, Chell stuck her arm into the tangle in an attempt to untangle her former nemesis from the wires, pressure building as the shaking became more violent.

"Ohh..." Catching her off-guard, GLaDOS let off a slight moan indicative of her current state of mind as Chell jumped.

What the fu...

"He's offline now. Be careful...pulling me from this mess." GLaDOS fell silent again, recovering from her high as euphoria deflected from the wire's power flowed through her systems like an old, welcome guest, a guest which had accompanied the sadistic joy of torturing her most hated moron. "We have to get out now..."

Working through the wires, Chell managed to free the potato AI, springing up to the door, stumbling around with vertigo as Aperture shook violently. The round door was wide open, Wheatley now unable to operated the facility. The woman stepped through, halted by GLaDOS as the robot ordered the woman to take a 'side road' as opposed to the normal trip into the lift, running into an emergency exit road long forgotten. Disappearing into the foggy backstage of the facility as sunlight yawned through the skyline, Chell continued her journey to freedom with her new partner-in-crime and friend, a common enemy now laying defeated in the Main Chambers.

I LIVE! Now rate and review!