I wake up once again from another nightmare about loosing Arthur. The stone floor beneath me is cold, really cold. It has been almost a month since Arthur's death was announced. Since then, night after night, I have slept on the floor. Not in the bed. OUR bed. It will never be my bed. I don't even use the pillows or covers. All I have is a simple pillow and a blanket.
Luckily for me it is almost dawn. I get up, collect the blanket and pillow and put them into the wardrobe. I have to do this as people believe I sleep in the bed - even Gaius. As I pick up my blue dress, one of Arthur's cloaks come out with it. I immediately drop it and go straight behind the screen.
As I dress, my breathing picks up as I constantly think about Arthur's cloak. The cloak he wore. His cloak. I run out from behind the screen and head towards the window. I open the window and stare into the courtyard. Why not jump? I could. Then all this could be over. I would be with Arthur. As I should be. I look to my left and see a jug. I quickly grab it and throw it at the door. I find another and throw that as well. I hate feeling like this! I then go into the corner of the room, sit down, bring my knees up to my chin and cry. There is no chance of stopping the tears that are falling. No chance at all. I just hope I can cry myself to death.
After about 2 hours, Leon walks in with Gaius. I hear the crunch of the jars beneath their heavy feet.
"Milady?" Leon says. "Gwen?" I remain silent. "Gwen!" They both crouch beside me. Gaius places his hand on my shoulder.
"My lady, what is the matter." Gaius looks at Leon. "Stand up Milady." Both take hold of me and force me to stand. "Leon, pull out that chair." Gaius directs me over to the chair and tells me to sit. I don't realise which chair it is until it is almost too late. I jump up and walk back to the door.
"No. Not that chair. Not HIS chair. Not his chair..." Gaius advances towards me.
"Gwen. Is this about Arthur?"
"Don't. Don't you dare come near me."
"Why? Gwen, Arthur is gone. He has been for a month now."
"Well, where is Merlin? You promised me that Merlin would NOT fail, Gaius! You told me that Merlin would keep Arthur safe! If he did the Arthur would be here now! Where he SHOULD BE!"
"I understand Gwen." Gaius tries to say.
"No you don't Gaius. You could never understand. You have no idea how I feel." Before either of them can say another word, I walk out of the door.
I make my way to the throne room. I don't really have much clue why but I feel comfort there. Inside, I sit on the steps in front of the thrones. I still have both thrones there. I will never remove Arthur's throne for as long as I live. The round table hasn't been used for a while so it is now just gathering dust. It brings a lot of painful memories because it was Arthur who introduced it to Camelot. He is the head of the Round Table and no one will ever replace him. I get up and sit on my throne. I then stare into the empty seat beside me. I can almost feel Arthur beside me. That is what I yearn for. The touch of his skin against mine. His cool breath tickling my cheek. And his soft lips touching mine. And I know what I need to do to have these things. I immediately stand up and head towards Gaius' chambers.
To my relief, I find his chambers unoccupied and I work my way to his cabinet. I look through each and every bottle until I find what I am looking for. Aconite. The most deadliest poison known to man. Swiftly, I leave before anyone sees me.
I delay time as much as I can to go back to my chambers to try and avoid Leon and Gaius. I go through the back door and gladly find my chambers empty. On the table there is a jug and a goblet. I know now is the time. I fill the goblet with the water from the jug and put some of the Aconite in. I then pace around the room with the goblet in hand. I know this is what I must do to see my Arthur again but do I need to apologise to Gaius first? Say goodbye? I then get on my knees in the middle of the room staring at the poisoned liquid in my hands. I raise the goblet to my lips.
"Don't!"