Issues

A/N: In respect to AliyahNCIS's inspiration with the Somalia series, it inspired me to write this. It is written during the time that Ziva was seeing CIRay. An intimacy issue. We've all thought it out so carefully, yet the series writers may have found it too tender an issue for Prime Time. I don't like Ray at all because not only did he lie to Ziva, but he broke her heart. This is before that, early in their relationship.

Ziva pushed Ray Cruz away from her. "No, I cannot." The make out session was too dangerously close to...to...When another series of his kisses continued down her neck to her collarbone and threatening further, she gave him a powerful shove, the hated and dreaded flashback slamming itself into technicolor clarity in her mind's eye and deep in her heart. Fear consumed her. "Stop! I said no."

Ray's eyes were sparkling with desire. It had been going so well and up until just that moment, she was consensual. He was confused on why she would push him away unless... "Why? Don't tell me that you're a virgin...are you?"

She ran a violently trembling hand through her hair. Now that he was no longer touching her, the flashback began to fade...slowly "God, no. I lost that at sixteen inside a weapons carrier in Israel. I just cannot right now."

Ray looked into her eyes and saw terror in them; terror of making love. Concern bloomed deep in his chest. Terrified was not a word he'd ever associate with Ziva. "What happened? Ziva, I can see the fear in your eyes. What happened to make you so afraid?"

Ziva was silent for such a long time that Ray thought she'd never speak. "I have to tell you something and after hearing this you may want to end this and I will not hold you at fault. It is hard. I cannot tell you everything, but I will tell you what I can, without what I cannot share, that affects us. Please understand that I cannot give you details because I do not wish to relive them."

Ray leaned forward, listening intently. He cared very much for this woman before him, maybe even loved her a little. He wanted to make love with her, but if she was so frightened...he needed to hear what she had to say. He thought he knew what she was going to say. "Go ahead, Ziva."

"I told you that I am former Mossad, yes?"

He nodded, careful of her for now. "Yes."

"My last mission as Mossad was virtually a suicide mission, although I did not understand this at that time. I was to be part of a Kidon unit to into a Somalian terrorist camp and take out their leader, Saleem Ulmann. After losing three quarters of my team, I went on, on my own. I want you to understand that I chose to go on my own and honoring my Director's, my father's, wishes. I did this of my free will." Ziva avoided his gaze as she continued. "I was so angry and had blood in my eyes. It was a mission that I was charged with finishing at any cost. Alone, with no back up, I went into that camp and got within a finger nail of Ulmann, but, I was overpowered and taken prisoner.." She paused to gather her courage to continue. "It was a camp of thirty men, Ray. When I wouldn't tell them what they wanted, they beat me, whipped me, burned me, starved me, and...thirty men, Ray; not another woman for kilometers. They, uhm-"

"Ziva, that's enough," Ray said, taking her trembling hands in his, noticing when she flinched at his touch. "I don't need to hear any more. I'm CIA, so I know what can happen. How long did they have you and how did you get out?"

Ziva willed herself to stop trembling so violently. "They had me for almost four months before I was rescued."

"Mossad came and got you?"

She shook her head. "No. They left me for dead when I failed to check in with them. My own father left me for dead. Gibbs, DiNozzo and McGee risked their own lives to bring me out of there. Ulmann is dead and so is every man from that camp and I am not sad for it. But what they did still haunts me. Ray, I cannot...I cannot."

Ray seemed to understand. "What if I was gentle? I'd never want to hurt you. I want to make love to you."

When Ray reached out to take her in his arms and hold her, she shrank away from him with a cry of fear, falling off her couch and onto the floor, she scooted further from him. "I can't! I can't...please believe me. I want to but I cannot. It is too much and I am not certain that I can let anyone be that intimate with me again. I was gang raped for months and the pain was...it was... I cannot. I speak nine languages and I do not have words enough to describe the agony that was forced on me. It is more than I can have words for. You do not understand. I could not even rise beyond kneeling because the pain drove me down. Ray, I cannot." She began to weep uncontrollably. "I want to but cannot..."

Ray didn't know what to do. He thought he knew, but didn't. He fought with himself on making another attempt at holding her or walking away. He chose the easier path and to walk away. "Ziva, I don't know how to help you. I wish I did. I want to hold you, but you're so frightened that I don't know what to do. Know that I care about you more than you know." Rather than to tempt himself to keep trying to touch her and completely at a loss at what to do, he walked away, out of her apartment and choosing to take that overseas assignment that he had been offered earlier in the day, leaving her bereft, grieving, and in emotional pain beyond anything she had felt before.

Ziva curled in on herself on her floor and wept, no one to hold her. No one to comfort her. She was suddenly back in that hot, airless cell in Africa. She screamed into her hands.

Suddenly, in a brief moment of clarity in between the waves of grief and fear, grabbed her phone and dialed a familiar number. "Tony? Please?" she rasped softly.

His voice was sharp. He hadn't heard her that upset since they brought her home from Africa. What the hell had happened to her to make her sound this way? "Where are you?"

"Home."

He was already out his front door. "I'm on my way. Hold on."

"Okay," she whispered as a new wave of grief and shame overcame her. She curled back in on herself and continued to weep for the shame of having to tell Ray what she did and for being unable to give him what he so clearly wanted. She did not hear it when Tony opened her door, nor did she hear his soft footfalls across her carpet.

Tony knelt by her head. He kept his voice soft and non threatening. This was like after Somalia all over again. "Hey, Zi, I'm here. Is it okay if I touch you?" Mutely, she nodded and he placed a gentle hand on her head and began to stroke her hair, knowing that was the only thing that ever helped her when they first brought her home. It took her a long while to calm down. Tony just kept stroking her hair, and for once, did not speak so that she could gather herself back together enough to speak.

Ziva could finally sit up. She took the tissue that Tony offered. "Thank you. I am sorry."

Tony scooted closer and held her hand as he watched her wipe the tears away. "What happened?"

She wouldn't look him in the eyes. "Flashbacks; two of them," she said, her voice trembling. "I thought I was getting better, Tony. I hadn't had them in so long and I haven't had nightmares in months. Then it just happened."

He scooted a little closer, his shoulder touching her's. "Tell me how it happened. Did you see something on TV or hear something on the radio?"

She shook her head. "No. It was Ray. We were kissing and it started to get passionate and then it was suddenly too much and I was back there and they were pawing at me, shoving themselves on me, holding me down and I pushed Ray away."

Tony's emerald eyes flashed in anger. "Did he hurt you?"

"No, not at all. He was being loving, Tony. I told him what had happened as much as I could and he tried to help. I was so frightened and he tried to hold me and I could not allow that. When he tried, I could not help but scream and move away," Ziva said, unconsciously leaning her head on Tony's shoulder. She needed comfort so badly and she felt safe with him. "Ray, he, uhm, tried to understand, but I do not think he did. He tried to apologize and then he left."

Tony took a chance and stroked her hair again. "Oh, Zi, I'm sorry."

"I was still half in that first flashback and telling him what I could made it worse, so when he left, I was so alone that I was suddenly back in that cell. I have no idea how I had the presence of mind to call you. I am sorry for bothering you. You must be sick of these things by now. I am."

Now that she was fully back in the here and now, Tony gently took her in his arms. "Don't ever be sorry for needing comfort from anyone, especially me. Who went in there and got you out? Who held you as you cried because you couldn't sleep all those months as you healed? Who will always come when you need me because I am your partner and your friend and I care about you, Ziva David."

Ziva buried her face in his chest."Thank you, for everything. I owe you my life. I will never be able to repay that."

"I'll take a rain check."