Note: So here it is. My AU fic (loosely) based on Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Rest assured there will be more DE interaction in later chapters. This just gives the basis of what's been going on with Elena for the past thirty years, but the story will pick up. And there will definitely be more Damon!
Certainly this will be a long journey, but one that's worth it. I think these two crazy kids will always find their way back to each other somehow. If you enjoy, please leave a review. I'd much appreciate it.
Chapter One
Blessed are the forgetful, for they get the better even of their blunders.
Friedrich Nietzsche
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Every prayer accepted, and each wish resigned.
Alexander Pope
Elena long since came to live with the empty feeling in her chest. It hardly bothered her now; she had been living with it for as long as she could remember—longer than she'd been a vampire, even—so it was nothing more than a dull ache at the back of her consciousness. Some days, she could forget it even existed at all. Those were the best days. The worst days were when the old wound flared up again, and she felt so void, like a bubble one second away from bursting.
Luckily, those days were few and far between, and after thirty years of being a vampire, she learned how to deal with them. She went back to her apartment in New York City—Caroline insisted on it, despite Elena's protests that she'd rather stay near Mystic Falls—and dug into the alcohol cabinet, pulling out a bottle of bourbon and drowning her sorrows in it. It was clichéd, almost too clichéd, in Elena's book, but the second the alcohol burned its way down her throat, she felt warm again. She drank until the empty feeling receded into the back of her mind, the pang of emptiness nothing more than a phantom shadow.
"Are you sure you're okay?" asked Caroline on one of those days, her eyes wide with concern.
Elena smiled at Caroline. "I'm fine. You know me, I just had a long day."
"You've been having a couple of those lately," said Caroline, sitting down on the couch beside Elena and throwing her arm around her shoulders. "Is there something going on?"
"No, nothing," said Elena. "I'm in a rut, that's all."
Sometimes, Elena couldn't help but think that she had been in a rut for years. For one reason or another, she always felt like she was missing a puzzle piece. An intrinsic part of her was lost, and she learned to live without it, but only just. She saw spots of light and happiness and joy, and experienced them all with the intensity only a vampire can feel, but the darker moments seemed more tarnished than they should. They seemed somehow less surmountable.
She didn't know what it was, or what was missing, but she learned to ignore it. If she didn't, she'd go mad.
"You've been like this for a while, Elena," said Caroline. "We should do something to cheer you up. We could go to the new club in town."
The idea of going to a club, full of people crowded too closely together for comfort, their mingled heartbeats beating in Elena's ears like drums, was not very appealing. She'd just as soon stay in, drinking quietly, than sit on a barstool and watch Caroline dance in a room clogged with theatrical smoke and sweat.
"That's okay," said Elena. "You can go if you want to. I'll stay in."
"You've stayed in for the last three Saturdays, Elena," said Caroline. Her voice took on the distinctive quality of a whine, only a breath away from becoming an all-out beg. "You should go out and do something fun."
"Maybe next Saturday."
"You said that last Saturday."
Elena shrugged. "I give you permission to drag me out next Saturday if you really need to. But right now, I want to relax."
Elena closed her eyes and rested her head against the back of the couch: a position that gave Caroline no room to argue. Caroline huffed and withdrew her arm from Elena's shoulders. Elena focused on her breathing, however unnecessary it was, trying to ward off the imminent hangover. She half-expected Caroline to leave, but she didn't move.
"Fine," she said finally. "I won't make you do something tonight. But tomorrow, you and I are going on a roadtrip."
"What? Why?"
Elena opened her eyes to see Caroline with a look of pure incredulity on her face.
"You're kidding, right," she said. Elena didn't answer, and Caroline raised her eyebrows, looking almost comically shocked. "You can't tell me that you forgot." Elena's mind was blank, but clearly she forgot something important or Caroline wouldn't look like someone just ran over a puppy. "You seriously forgot. I can't believe this."
"Are you going to tell me what I've forgotten?" asked Elena.
"We're going back to Mystic Falls tomorrow morning," said Caroline, like that should explain everything, but it didn't. "It's Jeremy and Bonnie's 25th wedding anniversary on Tuesday. And then Ric is graduating from high school two days after. We're going down to celebrate."
The minute "Jeremy and Bonnie's 25th wedding anniversary" passed through Caroline's lips, Elena felt like she could stake herself for being so stupid. She had been looking forward to this occasion for months now. How could she possibly have forgotten? The plans to go down to Mystic Falls had been put into place since January.
"Oh, God," groaned Elena, burying her head in her hands. "I can't believe I forgot. I just—I had the worst day and I—"
She wondered if her sudden forgetfulness had anything to do with the hollow feeling inside her chest. Normally vampires weren't forgetful. In fact, they had a nearly photographic memory sometimes, but maybe she was so distracted that the information got pushed straight out of her mind. The very thought that she had been so concerned with her own feelings of emptiness that she couldn't spare a thought for her brother's and her best friend's wedding anniversary made the hole in her chest begin to widen.
This couldn't be healthy. She had been so excited to see her brother. She still was. She couldn't believe that she had managed to forget about that for even a moment.
"This is horrible," said Elena. "I'm horrible."
"You're not horrible," said Caroline soothingly, rubbing circles on Elena's back. "You just forgot. I can't see how you could forget but at least you remember now."
Bless Caroline's heart, Elena knew she was simply trying to help, but her words did not make her feel any better. If anything, they made her feel worse. She remembered the presents, stacked neatly beside her bedside table, and the duffel bag she had dug out of her closet and placed on her cushy love seat in the corner of her room in preparation for her packing tonight. Yesterday, she had been fully prepared, but today… the thought had completely slipped her mind.
"This is what I get for drowning my sorrows," mumbled Elena. "I forget my own brother's wedding anniversary."
"Just don't tell him," suggested Caroline.
Elena rolled her eyes. Always the one for practical, yet deceptive, advice, that Caroline. She wouldn't tell Jeremy that she forgot, but that did not alleviate the guilt she felt. She would have to do something to make it up to him while she was there.
"I should go pack," said Elena. "We're leaving early tomorrow morning, aren't we?"
"Are you sure?" asked Caroline. Concern was laced in every syllable. "Clearly there's something going on with you. We can talk about it, if you want."
Elena paused. The thought was certainly tempting. She wanted nothing more than to collapse into Caroline's arms and cry it all out, talk about the gnawing feeling in her chest that felt like a gaping chasm. She wanted to talk about how it had been there for as long as she could remember, no matter what she did to fix it, and she wanted Caroline to stroke her hair and tell her that it would all be all right. She wanted to, but she wouldn't. She couldn't.
Caroline, however well-meaning, wouldn't understand. Her life was better than it had ever been. Even though they had to move every five or ten years to stop people from questioning why they never seemed to grow older, she had built a reputation as an interior decorator and party planner. She was the mastermind behind some of the best parties in the city. She honestly could not be happier. There was no hole in her life, and Elena felt guilty every time she brought her effervescence down.
She knew it was not healthy to feel that way, that Caroline would be more than willing to help her, but she couldn't bring herself to talk about it. Not if it upset Caroline, like she knew it would.
"No," said Elena haltingly. And then: "No." More secure this time. "I'll be fine." She tried to smile. "I should pack. I want to make sure I bring everything I need."
"Okay." Caroline looked disappointed. "If that's what you really want."
"It is."
Elena hugged Caroline one last time, her blonde hair tickling the side of her face, before standing up and walking back into her bedroom. She paused in the entryway and stared at her belongings. She saw her presents for Jeremy, Bonnie, and Alaric Grayson, their son, stacked neatly on her bedside table, exactly where she left them, exactly where she would have seen them as she dropped her bag on her bed after work. She walked over to her bed and sat down, looking at the colorfully wrapped packages. She still couldn't believe she forgot.
It's high time that she did something to stop this emptiness in her chest. If it prevented her from remembering the most important event in her life since she was promoted to senior editor at her publishing firm, Owl & Turtle, then it couldn't be normal.
Truthfully, she never gave it much thought before. It was just something that had always been there, like an old friend. But time ticked on like sand through an hourglass, and suddenly, thirty years had passed. Her brother was 47, her best friend was 49, and their son was graduating from high school. Everyone else's life was changing and she was stuck in the same rut she had always been in.
Caroline was right. She should go out and do something fun. She was a vampire and the rest of eternity stretched out before her, wide, unfathomable, seemingly insurmountable. She could not bear the thought of spending the rest of eternity stuck in a rut.
Elena laid back on her bed and stared up at the blank white ceiling. If Caroline taught her anything, it was that it was never too late to try again and build herself back up. She couldn't let her life pass her by like this. Not anymore.
Going back to Mystic Falls and seeing her brother for the first time in months would be a good thing for her. She could look back on her past and finally say goodbye so that she could start fresh and form a new life, one without that hollow feeling in her chest like some imaginary friend that wouldn't leave, no matter how many years passed, no matter how many towns they visited, no matter how many people she met in her travels. She knew she could get rid of it. She just needed to try.
The next morning, they hit the road, and Caroline immediately seemed to notice a difference in Elena. While they loaded the car for the long trip back to Mystic Falls, Elena couldn't help the smile playing around the edges of her lips, and although the emptiness was still a constant comrade, she pushed it to the back of her mind as much as possible. She teased Caroline about her four duffel bags for a one-week vacation ("You never know what you might need, and besides, one is just presents!" protested Caroline), and when they left New York City for the highway, she let herself join Caroline in a rousing rendition of an old Taylor Swift medley.
"What happened?" asked Caroline as their voices trail off.
Elena smiled, leaning her arm out the window of Caroline's sleek hybrid to feel the wind rush past her. "What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well, last night, you were miserable," said Caroline, "and now you're smiling and singing and all happy. Did something happen that I don't know about?"
"Not really," said Elena. "I just decided that I was sick of being gloomy. Besides, I'm excited to see Jeremy and Bonnie again."
Caroline smiled, a genuine smile that made her entire face light up. It was hard not to smile when Caroline did. "I'm glad," she said. "I thought for a while that you'd never get out of that hole you got yourself stuck in. It's nice to see you're letting yourself be happy."
"Better late than never," said Elena.
"And you've got a whole eternity ahead of you," said Caroline. She turned her head away from the road for a moment to look at Elena. "It's time to start living it, don't you think?"
"Definitely," agreed Elena. She waited a moment, and then, in response to Caroline's expectant look: "Yes, that means you can take me out to that new club when we get back. And yes, I will agree to go on a date with that hot client of yours."
Caroline squealed. "I can't wait!"
"I'm going to end up regretting this, aren't I?"
"Oh, probably," said Caroline.
Elena laughed. Even though she suspected that the date would end up being a disaster, the first step to having a somewhat normal existence was putting herself back out there. It had been a while since she had been on an actual date, since working as a senior editor kept her so busy. Besides, it was complicated, dating a human while a vampire, that most of the time, she didn't even bother.
But she had to start somewhere, right?
Her laugh relaxed into a smile as she stared out the window. In less than six hours, she would be back in Mystic Falls. Her home. She would be seeing her brother once again and experiencing the life he made for himself. If that didn't cheer her up, nothing would. There was nothing stronger than the bond of family, she always said, and she never felt happier than when she was with her brother and his family. It would be so nice to see them again.
She had to admit, she wasn't surprised when, immediately following Jeremy's graduation from college, he declared that he was going to marry Bonnie Bennett, and he didn't care who approved. Luckily for him, Elena could not have been happier. They married shortly after that—only a few months' preparation, thanks to Caroline's willing and able hands—in a ceremony that still brought tears to Elena's eyes when she thought about it. All she ever wanted for her brother was to find happiness, especially after all the tragedy that had befallen them during high school.
She couldn't have been more pleased—except possibly on the day that their son, Alaric Grayson, had been born, after years and years of trying. Since Elena couldn't have children, she couldn't help but live vicariously through Jeremy and Bonnie, watching as they raised their child, reveling in every tiny milestone, spoiling the boy half to death. She had stayed with them for a couple months after the birth, unable to separate herself from the tiny family that had grown around her. She had only left when Caroline nudged her along, but even now, she still went to see them every six months or so. It was difficult for her to wrap her mind around the fact that Alaric Grayson was now a high school graduate. In human years, he was older than her.
She chuckled at that thought.
"What's up?" asked Caroline, glancing at her.
"I was just thinking about Ric," said Elena. "He's older than we are now, can you believe it?"
Caroline laughed at this too. "You know what's even stranger? Your little brother is almost thirty years older than you."
Elena shook her head. "Do you ever wonder when exactly our life got so bizarre?"
"Oh, high school, definitely," said Caroline. "I'm surprised that you managed to graduate on time with all the classes you missed."
"Not fair," retorted Elena. "I was in the middle of a supernatural crisis!"
"So was I. But I still managed to go to class."
"That's because you were an over-achiever and we all know it, Miss Mystic Falls," said Elena, nudging Caroline in the shoulder.
"And you barely got Cs in high school, underachiever," said Caroline.
"Well, excuse me for wanting to keep myself alive more than wanting the good grades," said Elena.
The teasing continued for a good stretch of road, comebacks flowing effortlessly through their lips. It never ceased to amaze Elena how easy it was, being best friends with Caroline, even after all these years. They had their rough spots, like every pair of friends did, but they always got through it. It was nice to be able to tease her best friend for miles with nothing but open road stretching out ahead of them.
The rest of the trip to Mystic Falls seemed to pass by in the blink of an eye—and, as far as Elena is concerned, it was. What was six hours in the face of eternity, if she really thought about it? Soon, they were pulling up in front of her old house. Caroline didn't shut off the ignition right away, giving Elena a chance to take in the sight.
Not much had changed about it, if she was honest with herself. There were two cars in the driveway—Bonnie's compact blue Prius and Alaric's less environmental pick-up truck—and there was a flourishing garden next to the porch, but other than that, it was the same house she remembered. Elena closed her eyes and let the memories wash over her.
Say what she might about the hell years in high school, Mystic Falls was her home, and she had missed it desperately. The moments she had spent in this very house would never leave her, even though she would live forever.
She smiled. "It's good to be back."
Caroline smiled. "Definitely."
Caroline shut the car off. Elena had just barely stepped out of the car on her way to retrieve her bags when she heard the sound of the front door being thrown open, immediately followed by her name. Elena turned to see Jeremy running toward her, an expression of pure delight on his face.
"Jer!" cried Elena, rushing to meet him.
"I missed you, Elena," said Jeremy. He wrapped his arms tightly around Elena's waist, nearly lifting her off her feet with the force of his hug.
"I missed you too," said Elena and returned his hug. "It's been too long."
"Don't stay away so long next time, all right?" said Jeremy. "My hair might be entirely gray the next time I see you."
Elena laughed. "I promise."
She stepped away from the hug and stared at Jeremy. Sure enough, his hair was flecked with more gray than she remembered, and she could see the age lines creeping around the corners of his eyes. She felt a distinct pang of longing; no matter how many years passed by, she would never stop wishing she was human again. It was a constant ache, but somehow, seeing Jeremy both exacerbated and alleviated it. It was nice to see that old age had treated him so well.
Jeremy had just opened his mouth again, probably to scold Elena for surveying him, when Elena saw Bonnie barrel down the steps out of the corner of her eyes.
"Elena! Caroline!" she cried.
Bonnie catapulted into Elena's arms. Elena stumbled back a few steps with the force of her hug and curled her arms around the thin curve of Bonnie's waist. She, too, had aged with grace, even though she still insisted upon dying her hair. The lines on her face only served to give her an air of wisdom—one that her Grams would most likely be proud of.
"It's been too long," said Bonnie. "Much too long."
"What about me?" piped up Caroline. Elena was surprised it had taken so long. "I've been away just as long as Elena has!"
Bonnie laughed. "Come here, you."
Caroline and Bonnie hugged it out, once again giving Jeremy and Elena a chance to talk alone. They smiled at each other: Jeremy, with his human life well-lived, and Elena, serene and unchanging in her eternally eighteen-year-old body. Elena tried to focus on Jeremy's happiness, instead of that tell-tale longing in her heart. New start, remember?
"How's Alaric?" asked Elena to get her mind off it. "Is he around?"
"He's with some friends right now," said Jeremy. "He'll be back later tonight."
"At least we hope so," said Bonnie after she managed to extricate herself from Caroline's embrace. "He has a lot to do before graduation on Thursday."
"He won't miss a chance to see Elena," said Jeremy. "He's been looking forward to this for months, even if he would never admit it."
Elena smiled. It was nice to know, despite the distance, that she was a good aunt. Maybe, when she needed to move again in the next three or four years, she could come back to Mystic Falls. It had been thirty years, after all, and if she altered her make-up and cut her hair, it could potentially work. She hated being away from her family for so long.
"Maybe," said Bonnie. "We'll call him later to see. Can we help with your bags? I know Caroline's probably got about a dozen."
The next few hours passed by with little incident. Elena and Caroline moved into the guest bedroom, formerly Jenna's room, but now equipped with two smaller beds instead of one queen-sized bedroom. It felt odd, not living in her own room, but Alaric had taken it over when he had been born. Besides, having Caroline's bubbliness to destroy all the negative memories certainly helped.
It only took them about half an hour to get everything settled in for a week's vacation, and then they spent the rest of the time catching up with Jeremy and Bonnie. Not much had been going on. Compared to their high school days, it was positively boring.
It felt odd to be sipping lemonade in the shade of her old porch, like nothing had ever happened, like she had still lived here all her life. It was almost as if, for a moment, she could pretend that she was normal, and not a thirty-year-old vampire with an infinite number of years ahead of her.
She vowed to hold onto that feeling for as long as she could, because she knew that, once it went, she wouldn't be able to get it back.
The sun was beginning to set when a car pulled in front of the driveway, rap music blaring from the speakers. The door opened and Alaric emerged, his face shining brightly with laughter. He waved quickly to Elena, Caroline and his parents on the porch, then turned around to say goodbye to his friends.
"Yeah, yeah, I'll see you tomorrow," he said to them.
"You better," said one of the guys from the back seat, his voice carrying so far that Elena, even without her vampire hearing, could distinguish his next words clearly. "Don't you dare leave us for that hot piece of ass sitting on your porch."
"You're an asshole," said Alaric, embarrassment edging his words. He slammed the door shut and the car drove away.
When Alaric turned back to face them, his cheeks were burning.
"I'm going to choose not to say anything about your choice of friends," said Caroline. To an outsider, it would look like Caroline was being stern and disapproving, but Elena could see the mirth behind Caroline's eyes.
"You sure know how to pick 'em," said Elena.
"Shut up," said Ric.
Elena grinned. Ric kept up his angry pretense until he walked up the steps leading to the porch, and then it all fell apart as an infectious smile spread across his face. Elena barely had time to stand up to receive Ric's bone-crushing hug. It had been almost six months since Elena had last seen her nephew, and he was every bit as tall and wiry as she remembered him to be.
After a few seconds, they broke away from the hug, Ric's smile still firmly in place.
"You know," he began, "it's getting harder and harder to explain how I have two smoking hot aunts that look like they can't be much older than I am."
Bonnie gasped. "That's not any way to talk to your relative," she said, looking appropriately scandalized.
"Sure, sure, whatever," said Ric.
"Is Elena the only one to get a hug from her favorite nephew?" demanded Caroline. Despite the fact that she was not a blood relative, she still considered Bonnie one of her best friends in the entire world, if not her sister, and that made her as much of an aunt to Alaric as Elena.
Ric laughed. Elena was glad to see that he seemed so happy. She had certainly never been that happy when she was his age. It was nice to see that Jeremy and Bonnie were doing something right with their first and only child.
"Of course not, Care," he said as he enveloped Caroline in a tight hug.
"You haven't been getting into drugs, have you?" asked Caroline when they pulled away. "Because, let me tell you, your father—"
"—would rather skip the story time and go right to dinner," interrupted Jeremy. "Or are we going to stand around on this porch all night?"
Caroline realized that this was her cue to stop talking; clearly Jeremy did not want stories of his torrid past to reach his son's ears. That did not stop Caroline from winking at Jeremy or whispering in Ric's ear that she would tell him all about it when Jeremy wasn't around to hear.
Fifteen minutes later, all five of them were seated at a booth in the Mystic Grille. Like everything else in Mystic Falls, it hadn't changed much. The booths had received little renovation. They were made of the same tattered old leather as before, the brown entirely bereft of its luster. The tables were in better shape, but only barely. A few in the middle of the room looked like they would tip over if you even looked at them wrong, let alone placed food on their surfaces.
Even the wait staff looked like they had 30 years ago, the quality of their characters ranging from recovering (or not so recovering) drug addicts to pregnant teenagers to respectable twenty-year-olds just trying to eke out a living.
No, Mystic Falls had not changed at all, decided Elena. She had yet to decide whether that thought was comforting or terrifying.
A young man that reminded Elena of Matt served them their drinks, and it was only then that Elena let her gaze drift to the bar.
She wasn't sure why it had taken her that long to give it a thorough survey. She had glanced at it briefly when she had walked through the doors, but for some reason, she had to tear her eyes away. She couldn't understand why it seemed like there was an invisible force pulling her eyes away from the bar. It was as if there was pain there that couldn't be faced. It baffled Elena, because there was no reason why she should be so upset at the mere sight of the bar.
She surveyed it carefully, hoping that she would perhaps get a reason that way. The pain softened into a dull ache as she scrutinized each patron.
There actually weren't that many people at the bar. Elena saw an old couple, the woman sipping a fruity cocktail of some kind, the man knocking back his glass of brandy. A younger woman, likely around age 30, appeared to be drowning her sorrows in a glass of bourbon. There was another couple sipping martinis a few stools down from the woman, but everyone seemed to be giving a wide berth to the dark-haired man sitting near the end of the bar. The seats to either side of him were empty.
She spared a cursory thought as to why, but then Caroline started to playfully rib Alaric about any potential girlfriends he might have. Elena needed to intercede before Alaric's face burned off from embarrassment.
The rest of the night passed without any further explicable pain. The conversation between the five of them was refreshing and effortless. Caroline spent a good twenty minutes talking about the last party she had hosted in New York City—the extravagance of the decorations, the beauty of the costumes, the drunkenness of the guests—until Bonnie managed to get a word in edgewise about her job. She spoke about teaching history at Whitmore College, particularly the creative ways she integrated witchcraft into the lessons.
Jeremy spent a good deal of time pestering Elena about her life, about what she was up to, but Elena managed to steer the conversation back around to him. He did not seem to be concerned about the dangers of his job as police officer, even though Elena was worried sick when she first found about his chosen career path. He seemed to be doing well for himself, getting himself away from too much trouble, which was all Elena could ever ask for. That, and he seemed happy.
As for Alaric, he had been accepted to George Mason University, to the surprise and pleasure of both of his parents. He would be studying Psychology, since he found "the human mind fascinating," according to him. Elena herself could not be more proud of the way he was stepping up and becoming a man: responsible, dedicated, ambitious, kind, generous. Exactly as she always imagined the son of her brother and her best friend might turn out to be.
She smiled. Everything was so light, so perfect, in this moment. She would be content to just sit in this booth for the rest of eternity, frozen in this place of pure contentment. She did not want the world to return.
But return it always would.
Elena's eyes couldn't help straying to the bar again, to the dark-haired man who had gained a companion. A blonde woman leaned against the bar, twirling a strand of hair around her fingers over and over again, her free hand going out to touch his wrist. She made to sit down in the stool next to him, but the man stopped her. She sat down on the other side of him instead.
She felt the pain in her chest rearing its ugly head again, masking the lightness that had fallen over her. Elena shook her head to get rid of the cobwebs her thoughts had become and turned back to her companions.
She laughed at the joke that Caroline finished telling, even though she hadn't gotten a single word of it.
She had tried, but she couldn't help shaking the feeling there was something wrong with her. Why else would she get the feeling that there was something dreadfully familiar about that man sitting at the bar, even though she had never met him before, even though she had never seen his face?
Like most of her life up until this point, it made no sense.
"Don't get lost in the past, Elena," whispered Jeremy when he sensed her mood. He always seemed to have a knack for doing that. "It can't hurt you unless you let it in."
He reached out to grab her hand and squeeze it. The words seemed to be a gesture of comfort, but they were anything but.
But Elena did what she always did: she smiled and said, "I'm fine, Jer, but thank you." She turned back to the conversation like nothing had ever happened.