A/N: Written for the "Things I'm Not Allowed to do at Hogwarts" challenge.I don't own any of JKR's OCs or anything else in the Harry Potter universe, nor am I making any money from this work of fanficton.
Hopefully this silly little drabble gets some laughs. I had fun writing it. If there is enough response, I may see about doing others.
367. Bribing several girls to attack Snape and wash his hair is a terrible waste of money. It is even worse when you tell him that he now has 'girl-approved hair' in detention, thus referencing the muggle shampoo commercial.
Giggling madly, three third year Hufflepuffs scooted into the Potions classroom half an hour before the start of the Slytherin/Gryffindor afternoon class. They had an important job to do, and they couldn't do it with anyone else around!
One of them conjured buckets, all of which she then filled to the brim with honey. Handing them to the other girls, she instructed them to cover every surface they could reach: desks, the floor, the walls, the benches, and...
"Snape's chair! Melinda, don't forget to get Snape's chair!"
Melinda tittered nervously, gripping the bucket and tiptoeing up to the chair as though she was afraid Snape might suddenly rise out of it in a cloud of black smoke.
"Oh, go on, then!" Melissa called out impatiently. "We only have a few minutes!"
Melinda shakily turned the bucket upside down, coating the Professor's chair in the thick yellow liquid, and licked her fingers.
Her eyes went wide.
"Marissa, this is really good honey! Where did you get this?"
"It's cruelty-free honey from honeybees raised by paid house-elves. Hermione said it's the taste of freedom."
"Ohhhh." The other girl smacked her lips appreciatively.
"Now, would you mind giving me a hand here?" demanded Marissa. Both girls rushed over.
"Here, Melissa, you take this side of the classroom. Make sure the feathers are everywhere, and I'll do the same on this end. Melinda, you take this side. Use that Humidus Spiritus spell Hermione gave us. Put a lot of force behind it, okay?"
Melinda did such a good job that all three were soon perspiring violently, hair blowing behind them as though they were driving race cars down the freeway.
"Merlin's polka-dotted underpants," gasped Marissa. She made as though to collapse on the nearest chair, but Melissa and Melinda had completed their task with the honey so well that there was not one honey-free inch within a ten foot radius. Marissa caught herself just in time.
"Let's get out of here," Melissa stated. The cuckoo clock was about to chime the hour. Except it didn't actually "chime". Instead, a little Potions Master, complete with black regalia and sour demeanor, popped out and shouted "Dunderheaded fools!" the requisite number of times. (Lucius Malfoy had given it to Snape years ago as a Christmas gift.)
The trio pointed their wands at themselves and levitated themselves over the sticky floor and out of the dungeon classroom. Once safely outside, they closed the door, wandered a distance down the hallway, and hid in one of the many convenient niches behind an empty suit of armor.
Their timing was perfect. Other students, including Hermione and Ginny, were just beginning to pop out of other classrooms and trek solemnly to the dreaded double Potions class.
From their shadowy niche, the three watched the class line up to wait for Professor Snape. No one was late for Professor Snape.
In fact, it was better to be early for Professor Snape. Even though he liked to arrive exactly on the hour. He had a certain flair for the dramatic, despite being (at least for now) a greasy menace.
Huffing and puffing, Erin Smythsson raced up the corridor, skidding to a halt at the end of the line. She was just in time, for at that exact moment, the Professor was spotted, billowing his way towards the waiting students.
He slimed his way up to the door. Hermione peered behind him, as she always did, to check for grease stains on the floor. She never actually found any, but that didn't stop her from referring to him fondly as "Jabba" while discussing him with her friends.
She patted her voluminous robes. Yes, the shampoo was still residing safely in the magically enlarged pocket, and the suit of armor down the hall had just waved at her, somewhat clunkily. Everything was in place. Hopefully, this would go off without a hitch.
The world seemed to freeze momentarily as Professor Snape pulled open the heavy dungeon door.
Hermione was fairly certain her right ear-the one closest to the door-would never be the same again. Snape's roar of rage echoed throughout the castle, as all the students but five jumped to high heaven, rustling amongst themselves and wondering what was going on.
"WHO. DID. THIS?" Smoke was curling from his ears in intricate strands. It was fascinating, and Hermione stared. So did Ginny. So did Marissa, Melissa, and Melinda down the hall.
"I WILL read your miserable little minds! Every single one of them! I will sacrifice my brain cells to wade through the rank muck which constitutes each and every one of your thoughts until I find the guilty party!" Snape was apoplectic with fury. His lank hair had been blown back by the force of the humidity inside the room, and it was still waving slightly in back of him, the strands puffing about like flying earthworms. His beady eyes washed over the wide-eyed students, coming to rest on Hermione.
She hummed silently and thought about Ron stuffing his face with scrambled eggs until Snape's gaze moved on.
Snape turned away momentarily, making his way back to the doorway. Brandishing his wand, he removed the honey with a single flick.
Hermione and Ginny didn't flinch. They had expected that. The honey was just for show, really. So were the feathers. It was the air that was the actual–
"Who is responsible for this spell?" he bellowed, hair standing on end with rage. Well, and from the air. But mostly rage.
It would be impossible to conduct class in the humid atmosphere. The moisture in the air might react negatively with potions. Hermione knew that, and breathed a sigh of relief that he hadn't been able to remove the spell right away. The plan was working!
"All of you, return to your common rooms while I sort this," he snarled at them. "Rest assured, I will find the perpetrators."
The long line of students didn't miss a beat, fleeing the dungeons while they still could, before Snape changed his mind.
Hermione and Ginny stayed in the hall while Professor Snape disappeared into the now honey-free classroom and shut the door. They waited until the last of the students had disappeared round the corner, and then knocked on the suit of armor. Three heads popped out.
"Now go in there and put this burlap bag over his head," Hermione ordered. "Ginny, if you would–"
Ginny produced the sack she had been hiding under her robes and held it out to Marissa.
Marissa squawked.
"I'm not doing that!" she shrilled. "I'll be expelled!"
"Yeah!" chimed in Melinda. "You said all we had to do was honey and feather the floor."
"And use your spell to turn the classroom into a sauna!" chirped Melissa.
Hermione reached into her robes, digging around the shampoo bottle, until her hand closed around a big chunk of Galleons. She jangled them temptingly in her palm, before offering them to the three younger girls.
Marissa, Melissa, and Melinda took one look at each other, then hopped out of the niche and accepted the money greedily, along with the shampoo and their instructions.
Hermione and Ginny faded into the wall behind the suit of armor.
"Honestly, people will do anything if you pay them enough!" giggled Hermione.
The girls swung the door open, but the ancient hinges creaked traitorously, and the Professor turned.
"Now!" Marissa screeched, and Melissa whipped the burlap sack she had been hiding under her robes over Snape's head. The burlap sack was kind of for show too. Hermione had watched too many movies about kidnapping. Melinda was overcome with fright, hopping up and down in terror.
"Melinda!" Melissa snapped, sweating as she wrestled the bag closed over Snape's head. It wasn't easy. The grease coating his hair kept making it slip. "Get a grip! Preferably on his wand!"
Melinda was in hysterics, babbling incoherently as she grabbed hold of the wand still being firmly brandished in Professor Snape's hand.
Unfortunately, even blinded, the Potions Master was a good hand at magic, and within seconds, all three girls were dangling from the ceiling by the scruffs of their necks. They could only watch in horror as their victim slowly emerged from the burlap sack.
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Detention, six hours later
"Tell me who put you up to this," Snape hissed at the three transgressors, stealthily brushing his now suspiciously glossy and fluffy hair back from his face.
He jangled the other confiscated item, a large pile of Galleons, in his pocket, signifying to the girls that he knew they had been bribed.
He had a pretty good idea by whom, considering he had been receiving Miss Granger's "anonymous" gifts of mens' shampoo with the inexplicable name of "Axe" for months now. "Anonymous", Merlin's polka-dotted underpants! He knew all his students' handwriting.
Melinda was showing unmistakable signs of a panic attack.
"She-she told us...you had to have-" She was gasping now.
"Have WHAT, Miss Mapleton?" There was the smoke again.
"She told us you had to have girl-approved hair, Professor Snape!"
Professor Snape, for the first time in his entire life, was stunned.
I would really appreciate reviews-let me know your thoughts!
Humidus Spiritus=Blast of Humid Air