AN: First of all, I want to thank Cindy for giving me the thumbs up for this story.
I must warn, though, this is really angsty, and it involves stillbirth.
Disclaimer: I don't own Castle.
The wind is starting to pick up. It's getting chilly.
This has to be a dream.
This has to be a dream.
This has to be a dream.
This cannot be happening.
Kate and Castle, in each other's arms, helplessly stare as they lower their daughter's casket into the ground.
Beckett and Castle are walking to the playground – their playground – and she instructs him to sit on the swings by her side. She's got an excited grin on her face that's been there since she told him they had to go somewhere. He's not sure what's going on but her excitement is contagious.
She couldn't wait to tell him, but she needed it to be there, in their special place.
She takes a deep breath and finally spills it out with a huge smile. "We're having a baby"
His smile drops and looks at her in shock for a second before he grins. "We- we are?" he stumbles with his words, wanting to make sure he heard her right.
She nods bitting her lower lip and he gets up getting her to her feet to take her in for a passionate kiss. "We're having a baby" he whispers when they break apart and put their foreheads together, looking into each other's souls.
All the black-clad family members and friends all one by one walk to the couple to give them their condolences.
They're both standing a few feet from the grave. Castle has one hand over Kate's shoulder, craving the physical contact. Through their sunglasses they look at all the people that are there for them, they nod and thank them.
All they want to do, though, is go home and live through their own hell alone.
As soon as they get out of their first appointment, ecstatic, holding four copies of the first picture of their little miracle, and already completely in love, they decide they want to raise their children in a big, bright, happy house in the suburbs, with a yard and swings and maybe even a dog.
When Beckett reaches the second trimester, they're already moving in.
First thing Castle decides to do as a proud homeowner is to plant a tree.
"A tree?" she looks at him wondering what he's up to.
"Yeah" he nods with a smile. "That way" he walks towards her, puts his hands on her hips and draws her close. "We can see them grow together" he kisses her softly.
She smiles looking at him with her eyes sparkling with love and adoration, feeling overwhelmed with all the love she has for this man and for this tiny human she hasn't even met yet.
A dismal silence has fallen upon the crowd as Kate steps up to the podium to say a little something for their angel.
Castle follows his wife, letting her know he's there. He told her she didn't have to do it, but she insisted.
She has to do this. She can't just say nothing.
Everybody looks at them with sorrow as she tries to compose herself enough to speak. Writing this speech was hard enough, but saying it out loud...
He holds her hand reassuringly always standing by her side. She clears her throat before she starts. "Leah Katherine Castle" she chokes up immediately and drops her gaze to the ground trying to find the strength to continue and to not fall apart right there.
Hearing their daughter's name – which they changed from Leah Johanna to Leah Katherine because it was impossible for them to name their stillborn child like Kate's mother – a chill runs through Castle's body. He still can't believe they won't see her grow up. Neither of them is capable of speaking anymore.
"So how about names?" Beckett asks with a smile. She's lying comfortably on the couch with her legs over Castle's lap.
They just learned that they're having a little girl and already want to start working on the nursery and names and everything there is to do.
"Do you want us to name her after your mother?" he takes one of her feet and starts massaging it, making her moan in pleasure.
"Mmm, I don't know... Maybe as a middle name?" she likes the thought of honoring her mother through her daughter.
"Have any first names in mind?"
"Um..." she thinks for a second. "I like Leah"
"Leah Johanna Castle" he tests the name on his lips. "I like it" he grins at his wife.
Seeing Kate's struggle to continue and Castle's inability to say anything, Alexis gracefully walks towards the podium. Beckett lifts her gaze and looks thankfully at the young woman through cloudy eyes.
Alexis finds the older woman's hand, squeezes it and nods.
"Leah Katherine Castle" she starts softly as Kate finds shelter in her husband's arms. "Our little angel… We never got to meet you, but you made your father and me so happy. I remember when you first made your presence known in my belly. We were over the moon. We couldn't stop smiling for hours"
Castle chuckles softly through his tears at the bittersweet memory and everybody smiles sadly.
"Even without knowing you, we loved you so much. We couldn't wait to hold you in our arms, to take care of you.
"We would've given anything for you to be able to grow up with us. But life, the universe... Whatever you want to call it… had other ideas."
Castle rushes Kate into the hospital in panic in the middle of the night.
Through tears she told him that it had been a while since she felt the baby move. She had made a note of it beecause she's usually very active at night,
Soon, she's in an exam room and changed into a gown. As they wait for the doctor, Castle holds her hand reassuringly. This is nothing.
It's going to be okay.
It's going to be okay.
It's going to be okay.
It has to be okay.
"Let's see what we have here" a woman in scrubs comes into the room holding a chart in her hands.
She pours some gel on Beckett's stomach and starts moving the ultrasound wand around.
Kate looks over to her husband with teary eyes. She hasn't been able to stop crying since they came in. He looks back at her reassuringly sqeezing her hand.
They notice that the doctor is taking a while. "Is- is everything okay?" Castle can barely manage to say.
The doctor keeps her eyes glued to the monitor for a couple of more seconds before looking at the couple. "I'm sorry" she says quietly.
The color drains from the couple's faces and they feel as if all the air has been sucked from their lungs. They're staring at the doctor without the ability to understand any of this.
"You have to say it" Kate says in the verge of falling apart. "I won't believe it unless you say it" her voice cracks at the end.
"There's no heartbeat"
Castle climbs on the bed and holds Beckett tightly in his arms as they both cry quietly.
All their hopes and dreams, all the happiness… It's all just gone in the blink of an eye.
"I'll be back in a couple of minutes to discuss your options" the doctor says before leaving.
"Now there won't be little hands to say hello to us when we come home. And it breaks your father's heart to see the tree he planted growing without you"
Castle looks down at his wife and they look at each other sadly.
"We love you so much, and we'll love you, always"
Castle can't believe what's going on.
Beckett is now giving birth to their baby.
He's by her side, letting her crush his hand without complaint.
He's not saying a word. He can't. He's just there for her, for them. All he can do is let the tears fall.
"I need you to push one more time, Kate" the doctor encourages.
Kate lays back and tries to catch her breath before she pushes again. The pain… Both physical and emotional are too much. But she's got to do it.
"Got her" the doctor receives the stillborn.
Castle kisses Kate's forehead softly as she sobs quietly.
Castle opens the door to the loft and lets Kate go in. They decided to go back to his apartment for a while. Going back to the house after getting back from the hospital was way too much for them. The tree, the nursery... They went back home two days after Kate gave birth and they couldn't make past the door.
She takes a few steps inside the loft and as he closes the door behind himself, she's hit by everything that's happening once again... She'll never have the chance to see her little girl ever again. She'll never take her first steps, pronounce her first words…
Sobs start ripping through her body and she finally lets herself fall to the ground on her knees helplessly.
Castle falls by her side and takes her shaking frame into his arms.
A couple of hours later she's in bed, laying on her side with tear-streaked cheeks and red eyes, looking into the nothingness of the wall.
Castle is in his office sitting back on his chair. He tried to get some writing done fruitlessly.
Dear God tell me why I didn't even get the chance to sing to her even once… Goodnight my treasure, close your eyes and sleep tight.
It won't be easy but they'll get through this.
He'll be there for her and she'll be there for him… And their little angel will be there looking over them…
Always.
AN: I hope I was realistic and sensitive to the situation, and got the feelings right.
This my first angst story, so whatever feedback you could give me will be appreciated.