PETER LENO
Peter is sitting in a chair in front of an employer of KFC hoping to get a job there. Peter has a bowl of Chicken in his hands getting it all over his face.
Employer reading Peters previous jobs
Employer: Toy factory, Beer factory, Knight in a medieval fair and a fisherman. It looks like you have some life experience mister Griffin.
Employer: Mister Griffin!
Peters face turns blue
Peter: How do you breathe?
Employer: With your lungs Mister Griffin
Peter: Oh crap, I was using my penis
Camera lowers to reveal that Peter had wet himself
Employer: Well you are obviously over-qualified; do you have any questions about the job?
Peter: Yeah, do you guys have any bibs
Employer: Yeah, that chicken is handing them out free with purchase
Peter looks at the chicken and the chicken looks back at Peter and they know they must fight. Peter runs at the chicken and the chicken starts to smother Peter with the bibs he was handing out. Peter punches through the bib and hits the chicken in the face. The chicken then pulls a bucket of grease off the counter and then splashes it over Peters face. Blinded Peter punches at air and then wipes his face and sees the chicken taking Lois from her seat and holding her over its shoulder, then begins to climb a water tower outside the KFC. Peter accidentally steps on a fried chicken on the floor and the chicken holding Lois looks back in horror that Peter had stepped on a fellow chicken. Peter then realizing that steps on another fried chicken.
Peter: You like that huh
Peter steps on another and the chicken looks back in horror again
Peter sings: One chicken (steps on a chicken) Two chicken (steps on a chicken) Three chicken (steps on a chicken) Four (steps on a chicken)
The chicken holding Lois begins to inch down in anger then throws Lois to the side
Five chicken (steps on a chicken) Six chicken (steps on a chicken) Look its Al Gore
Al Gore: I'm eating here
The chicken that was holding Lois tackles Peter through the wall of the KFC and into a airplane station. The chicken and Peter exchange blows right and fight backwards right onto an airplane. The airplane takes off and the fight continues down the isle of the airplane knocking people over all the way to the cockpit. Peter punches at the chicken and the chicken ducks and Peter hits the pilot. The chicken punches at Peter, but the chicken misses and punches the co-pilot and in seconds the dashboard bursts into flames and both wings fall off the plane and it crashes into sea. Peter punches through the windshield of the plane and the chicken and Peter fight until they reach the surface. They continue to fight until Peter swims away to a small fishing boat and tells the captain to step on it. The boat goes speeding away. As soon as the boat speeds up, a scuba tank on a string gets jerked off the end of the boat. The chicken grabs the tank with its mouth and holds on. Seconds later Peter notices the chicken behind the boat grabbing the scuba tank on the string in its mouth. Peter grabs a gun and aims at the tank inside the chickens mouth…aims…aims…fires, misses, fires, misses, fires, misses,
Peter: Smile you son of a bitch
Peter fires and BOOM an explosion breaks out on top of the sea and a mountain of water climbs to the air and after the water subsides it rains feathers where the chicken was.
Peter: Lets get out of here
Peter meets up with Lois at the docks
Peter: Its all over Lois, you'll be ok
Lois: Oh Peter that was awful
Peter: Not as awful as that time that we saw the "Da Vinci Code"
Cuts to the Griffins watching the Da Vinci Code in the theaters. The screen shows the ritual sex scene in the movie, with the masked people surrounding the two cult members having sex in a bed. One of the masked people takes their mask off and it is Quagmire.
Quagmire: Giggity-Giggity, ritual sex, al-right
Cuts back to Peter and Lois
Lois: I'm just glad you made it out ok
Cuts to a Tokyo setting
Caption: SOMEWHRE IN TOKYO
A Japanese man looks in a river from a bridge and sees the badly injured chicken Peter was fighting. The Japanese man ran down to see if the chicken was ok. He grabbed the chicken out of the water and gave it CPR. The whole time speaking hysterical Japanese. The Japanese man stopped applying CPR and suddenly the chickens eye opens and squawks as loud as it could.
Cuts to Peter leaving the docks and somehow it seems like Peter heard the squawk as he turns his head toward the sky.
Lois: What is it Peter
Peter: Nothing Lois, its nothing at all.
Peter is at his house with Lois
Lois: Peter you still need to go get a job
Peter: I know, but cant I do it tomorrow
Lois: Peter we haven't paid the water bill and the city is threatening to turn it off
Peter: We discussed this Lois, we could either pay the water bill or the cable bill and we chose to have cable so quit complaining, "House" is on:
Cuts to "House"
Doctor House is in the emergency room with a screaming boy with a knife in his eye and the boys mother is there too.
Boys mother: My son is bleeding to death
House: Does it look like I care?
House pulls out a cigarette and lights it
Boy continues to scream
House: Can you shut up for one second I'm trying to smoke here, you little snot-nosed dumbass.
Peter: He's cruel, but witty and charming
Lois goes into the kitchen to get a glass of water but none comes out. She tries again, but no water comes out. Lois then walks into the TV room and turns off the TV.
Lois: That's it, your getting a job right now
Lois picks up Peter and throws him out the house
Lois: don't come back until you get a job
Brian comes up to Peter
Brian: Peter you do need to get a job, I mean look at Chris
Shows Chris with a bulge of crap slowly moving down his pants
Brian: That's his last pair of pants
Peter: Fine, I'll get a job
Brian: Great where do you want to work?
Peter: I want to be in television, Brian
Brian: Ok lets get Cleveland
Peter: Why?
Brian: Cleveland has been blackmailing FOX for years, he can make them do whatever he wants. You know Jerry Springer?
Peter: Yeah
Brian: All Cleveland's idea
Peter: Wow
They go to Cleveland's house
Brian: Cleveland, we need to ask you a favor. Peter wants to have his own Late Night show on FOX.
Cleveland: That can be arranged
Cuts to Cleveland making a phone call to FOX
Cleveland: I need you to free up some space from 1am to 2am for Peter Griffins Late Night talk show
FOX CEO: Absolutely not, that is prime infomercial time
Cleveland: Clear up the space or I'll start talking about the subliminal Neo-Nazi messaging
Cuts to a sesame street-type show
A big bird like character is holding up a piece of paper that says HAIL HITLER on it
FOX CEO: ok, ok I'll put on Peter from 1 o'clock till 2 o'clock
Peter and Lois are on the set of Peters new late night show
Peter: Lois this is going to be the best show ever
Lois: Who are your first guests?
Peter: Quinten Tarentino and George Clooney
Lois: Wow, how did you manage to get them on your show
Peter: I'd rather not talk about that Lois
Cuts to George Clooney and Quiniten Tarentino farting on Peter's head and laughing
Peter: OK Quinten and George are you going on to my show then
George Clooney: Yeah sure but first…
George Clooney poops into Peters mouth
Cuts back to Peter and Lois
Peter Shivers
Lois: Peter, your show is on in three minutes
Peter runs over to his desk and sits down
Stage manager counts down 3…2…1… and points to Peter
Peter: Welcome to Peter Griffin and his wacktaculous really late night talk show with musical guest Iron Butterfly
Iron Butterfly starts playing In a Godda da Vida
Iron Butterfly stops playing In a Godda da Vida
Peter: Our first guest is George Clooney, come on out George
George Clooney come on to stage and sits down next to Peter
Peter: How is it going George?
George: Fine
Peter: Soooo, are you in any new movies
George: Nope
An awkward silence follows
Peter: Got any interesting stories?
George: Nope
Peter: Oh, oh I got one, ok so I catch my daughter Meg making out with some guy and so I say hey stop making out, but when she turned around it turned out that she was kissing my son Chris, here stand up Chris and Meg, stand up for everyone to see
Meg puts her hands on her face in embarrassment and she is crying
Chris stands up
Chris (ashamed): I'm a sinner
Peter: True story, pretty cool huh George
George: Nope
An Awkward silence follows
Peter: How about we go to commercial
Peters show goes on a commercial break and then cuts right back to Peter
Peter: Lets listen to another song by Iron Butterfly
Iron Butterfly starts playing In a Godda da Vida
Peter interrupt: You already played that song
Iron Butterfly singer: So?
Peter: Don't you know any other songs?
Iron Butterfly singer: No, but we can play this one for 15 minutes
Peter: Um, Ok, let me invite my next guest out: Quinten Tarentino
Quinten Tarentino comes onto stage with a severed human head
Peter: Hi Quinten, what do you got there?
Quinten: It's the head of the intern working here
Audience laughs
Quinten: I'll kill you all
Quinten Tarentino runs into the audience with a switchblade and stabs all the people he could while the audience runs from him
Peter: Oh this is even worse than that movie Stewie was in
Show title that reads: Look who's talking
Stewie is in a woman's arms
Woman: You wanna say something fella. Say hello to mama
Stewie (softly): Mama
Woman leans in closer
Stewie: Ma-(Stewie stabs her in the eye)
Stewie: Ha, ha. I could talk the whole time, bitch. All right guys you can come out now
Babies all in camouflage come out from trees and benches to congratulate Stewie
The Mom tries to crawl away while everyone is celebrating
Baby: Stewie shes trying to get away
Stewie: Don't worry, the poison should enter the bloodstream about right now
Just then there is a horrible scream that slowly fades to silence and you see the Mom bleeding metal out of her eye (like X-Men 2)
Cut back to peter at the studio
Lois: Peter Quentin Tarantino has stopped killing its safe to leave now.
Peter: All right lets get out of here
A FOX executive comes onto the stage
Fox executive: Oh no you don't
Peter: Oh I'm sorry I swear my next show will be better
Executive: Who said anything about you having another train wreck tomorrow
Peter: Just talk to the Fox president he'll tell you that I'll be on we made a deal
Executive: I'm afraid that wont be possible, that head that Quentin Tarantino had in his hand when he came on stage-
Peter: That was the Fox President
Executive: No, that was the Fox president's bodyguard. He cut off the presidents ear in back and he bled to death
Peter: Damn, I guess I'll have to get a job and stop watching 22 hours of TV every day
Lois: I know Peter, it's a shame
Executive: Oh, I hate to see people so sad, how about if I arrange for a show to be made about you
Peter: You can do that?
Executive: Sure, that's what we told Britney Spears, when we thought of Jerry Springer
Both: Wooow
(Laughter)
FADE OUT
FADE IN
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for: The Peter Griffin Show!... Has been cancelled to make room for an infomercial for: Catfarts: The Silent Smell
THE END