Tales of Azula the Innkeeper
The Green Gables Takes on Azula
"I thought my mom hired you to take care of the inn while she's on her honeymoon with Hakoda?" Azula squirmed in a chair set up in the liquor lounge as Katara brushed her hair. "Why do I need to look good or 'presentable'?"
"You never let your 'inner girl' out." Katara ran a blue and white comb through Azula's hair. Azula had a fear of germs and kept herself neat and clean but she never 'looked' like a girl to Katara. "You'll have to trust me."
"Why?" Azula raised her eyebrow and watched Katara carefully in the large mirror that stood on a wooden stand in front of her. "You're not 'Three Laws Safe'."
Katara understood Azula and Karo lived at the peak of the nerd pyramid. This meant the various references Katara heard would lead to a long and unpretentious explanation if she inquired about 'The Three Laws'. "I will only fix your unibrow and your chick mustache."
"A hairdresser may not harm another human being or through inaction allow a human to come to harm." Azula explained anyhow.
"Isn't that for robots?" Karo leaned on the doorway to the back office. "While humans can kill each other, if we ever live in an age with artificially intelligent toasters; we don't want them killing us in our sleep."
"I know what the removal of the chick mustache entails." Azula's eyes narrowed. "The City of Torquay will hear my screams over the evening breeze."
"I'll be gentle." Katara patted Azula's shoulders. "I can't be everywhere and until your mother returns from her honeymoon, I need some extra hands to handle things around here. When we open, I'll have to serve the public and you two have to handle the day to day affairs around here."
"I hate the public and I'm terrible with people." Azula reminded Katara. "Karo looks like he has something important to say."
"I had previously complained about the olive drab paint on the door frames and window sills. The wallpaper in this room has lilacs and grapes and in my experience, only The Fire Nation palace has uglier interiors. As I expected in a building older than a century, we have faulty wiring and need to hire an electrician." Karo leaned against the door frame. "I found four Fire Nation bronze pieces and a foil wrapper in the fuse box. Quite frankly I think the former owner Basil Faulty got his names for the wiring faults."
"How bad is it?" Katara held up a tweezers.
"I don't know." Karo scratched his head. "My hair stood on end when I opened the fuse box. We have four bronze pieces to begin to cover the costs. I backed away quite decidedly."
"How much does an electrician cost?" Katara began working on Azula's unibrow as Azula twitched.
"A hell of a lot more than four Fire Nation bronze pieces and a gum wrapper." Azula mentioned in passing.
"Can you fix wiring?" Katara pulled another eyebrow hair out.
"Do you remember when I nearly stopped my heart by poking a fork into a toaster?" Azula winced again. "Why does that thought always occur to people when a toaster jams? Evolution would not have bequeathed to us such an obviously fatal mental faculty. Must be a by product of something useful that we have as a mental faculty that simply happens to pair fork with unjamming a toaster."
"In the grand tradition of my culture, glorious and historical, I saved the worst news for last." Karo gulped. "We have at least six racoons in the attic as well as countless bats."
"Have I taught you nothing!? Use your pensive fire bending and make an example of one of them." Azula offered. "Execute one of them and the others will leave."
"Should you have let Karo loose in the attic?" Katara smeared sticky paste on Azula's upper lip.
"I taught him all he knows about fire bending."
"I find that not at all reassuring." Katara answered back and continued plucking.
The Green Gables' attic was filled with asbestos laced insulation. Karo balanced on on a roof beam and an amber flame rose out of his left hand. Azula had tried to train him but as he illuminated the corner and a nest of racoons with their oddly beady but reflecting eyes stared him down; his will faltered
He balanced on a roof beam that was about two centimeters thick and not a good place to retain balance and aim.
Karo fell through the kitchen ceiling and landed on the stainless steel kitchen island. He fell off that and landed face down on the floor.
Gray somewhat shiny pellets of insulation wafted down from the ceiling.
"You would only be slightly less functional with a scoop fashioned for picking up herring sandwiches." Azula had a piece of sticky wax covered tape on her upper lip. "The sandwich has only slightly less awareness of reality than you do."
"I have three problems in my life." Katara put her hands on her hips which was a sign she had lost her temper. "If Mitsumi isn't acting up, Azula's burning stuff down and you keep taking her advice. Are you alright?"
"I think I broke my wrist." Karo felt a sharp pain in his left hand when he tried to get up. Katara helped Karo to his feet.
"Even a Fire Nation child could have pulled that move off." Azula held up some of the insulation and let it fall out of her hand. "Some of them would have fallen through the roof when they toppled over from losing their balance. Our career counselors would advise them to become economists."
"Ow!Well hire a fire nation child!" Karo had Katara to help him sit down while she began to work on his wrist with her healing. "I should have worn a pith helmet. In the morning, I'll try and find someone we can hire to trap and relocate the raccoons."
"How big is the hole in the gable?" Azula looked at Karo and then up at the large hole in the ceiling he had made passing through it. "Fire bending attacks like that can make quite big holes in things if you miss the target."
Azula climbed up on the counter and looked through the hole in the ceiling. "We have a skylight and if it rains, the inn will flood." She craned her neck and used her hand to wave the smoke away. "Why does everyone on this island have a copper rooster weather vane? Its in the attic and not on the roof, but it's not damaged. The survival of the ugliest."
"I'll add 'roofer' to my list of people to hire." Katara sighed.
"The electrician told me the wiring in this inn needs to be completely redone or the inn will go up like a volcano." Katara sat behind the desk in the lobby and looked up at Azula. "The roofer has begun to patch and repair the roof. I never understood why the houses here have slate roofs. Slate costs a fortune. Tile costs less."
"Survival of the roof that stays nailed down when a typhoon hits." Azula advised Katara. "We have a real monster of a typhoon every ten years or so and the heavy slate stands a better chance of staying in place. One of the big palm trees lining the ballpark by Lady Zhao's place has a Bus Stop sign sticking through its trunk. A typhoon gust did that."
"Anything else you or Karo can bust around here?"
Azula held out a letter. "I got the mail. I could break the mailbox flap off if it would make your life richer."
"I sent Karo and Mitsumi to the hardware store to get light bulbs."
"I gather his wrist has healed up nicely?" Azula tapped the lobby's desk.
"He's fine. Keep him away from fire bending." Katara looked at the letter. "The Reader's Digest Lucky Dip?"
"You're up of a holiday cruise, a new car, a years worth of Reader's Digest and The Condensed History of The World or a pack of gum."
"I'll end up with the magazine and the history book." Katara made a few notes in the accounts ledger. "Which characters do I use to spell out electrician?"
"Lightning, control and person...I think." Azula shook her head. "Look outside on his truck."
"I never had a problem using a phone book." Katara referred to her recent encounter with the Torquay Telephone Directory. She had to find contractors but that meant figuring out how the Suihanese sorted things out in their yellow pages. "Did you ever think about directing your energies to fixing the horrid state of the written language by lobbying for spelling reform?"
"We'd have to change the way our phone books worked and the people who make rubber tipped pencils would lose their source of income. You never actually use a pencil up, the eraser croaks long before its reached half its length." Azula found the phone books gave her few problems as they used alphabetic order. "In the vast history of the Realm, a consistent written language without mind boggling rules has never been invented. I have no idea if it can be done at all."
Karo walked in as Mitsumi flew in a circle around the lobby. He placed a cardboard box on the lobby desk and handed the receipt to Katara. "We can now see in the first floor bathroom."
"How do you spell 'electrician'?" Katara asked Karo.
"The characters for lightning, control and person." Karo replied off the top of his head.
"Twenty Four EMI light bulbs – sixty watts." Katara continued to write as she examined the receipt. "What do they mean by '1000 Hours Mean Life'?"
"I have no idea." Karo mused. "I heard once that a guy invented the light bulb with a hundred year life span and the light bulb companies killed him and hid his invention."
Mitsumi landed on the box of bulbs which fell to the floor and smashed.
"I don't think Katara can bear up under the pressure of running an inn." Azula walked down the street next to Karo as he ambled in his own way down the hill toward the center of the town. "Mitsumi busts stuff. I think it's the reason flying lemurs exist"
Karo had a keen set of eyes for visual artistry and he stared at a wooden set of lumberjack sculptures made out of wood, driven by a small windmill as they went back and forth sawing through a badly painted log. It stood on a post in the middle of the front yard of a fine brick home surround by lush green lawn and with a circle of dark red petunias.
"Folk art?" Azula looked at the odd sculpture.
"Lets get down to the hardware store and get more bulbs." Karo averted his gaze from the visual offense of the lawn decoration in all of its glory in the spring sunshine. "Mitsumi will kill us all." Karo strolled downhill. "Where did you get a magazine?"
"I have this month's edition of Dominion Home and Garden magazine," Azula held out the magazine. "While you were admiring the ugly folk art, I stole this out of the rooster shaped mailbox in front of the house. I don't think anyone should ever have to reach into the ass end of a rooster to get their mail, if things are still fine with the world."
"You didn't have to reach into the ass end of the rooster to steal their magazine." Karo carefully looked both ways as he stepped up to the cross walk.
"How many crosswalks do we have in this town?" Azula looked up from the magazine.
Karo pressed the metal button to make the stop flag rise. "We could try and cross two lanes of traffic by dashing across but if that bus didn't smear us; Katara would be put out because she wouldn't get the light bulbs."
The red metal stop sign with the Chinese character for Stop in white, lowered from the pole and swung over traffic on a post with a loud buzz and a click. While not a high technology contraption, it stopped traffic for thirty seconds or longer when it jammed.
The local concert hall stood in the middle of a large park next to the sea. A massive seawall protected a marina and ran from the park, a kilometer out to sea. The second part of the seawall ran from the location near the railway station and came out to almost close the loop.
"The symphony orchestra invites us to their annual fundraiser." Azula read off from the large peg board sign that said as much in large white meter tall characters on a black background. "A benefit concert for tuberculosis is this evening."
"I need light bulbs..." Karo looked up the street. He had never had the best sense of direction and Torquay had never had the best street plan. Karo realized he had crossed the street when he didn't have to cross the street. "I want to do one thing properly for Katara."
"Why did you cross the street when you didn't have to?" Azula stood next to a large coconut palm and pointed up the street at the hardware store. "Are you entirely sure you don't want to give to the cause of coughing cellists?"
"Do you?"
Karo kicked a coconut out of idle frustration. "I wasn't paying attention."
Azula looked at the large park wondering just how Karo could not have seen it as a landmark. Several large cherry trees had bloomed and wilted in the heat. A rainbow colored assortment of banners and flags waved gently in the breeze.
"How?" Azula surveyed the scene of kids playing, people milling about and dogs. "Have you heard of Hanami?"
"The dative plural form of the word character?" Karo sniffled. "That was random."
"The Kyoshi Islanders have a festival to celebrate cherry blossom season and they call it 'Hanami'." Azula swiveled Karo down the street. "Hanami means 'cherry blossom' or 'pining for the fjords'."
"We have cherry trees but this festival is for tuberculosis." Karo began strolling down the street, first in the direction that lead north and then turned around and proceeded south. "I need light bulbs and I can see Katara tapping her finger on the lobby desk, looking at Mitsumi and her temper swelling as she wonders where we got to."
"The hardware store is to the north," Azula swiveled Karo around.
Azula stood behind the ornate desk in the lobby watching Katara handle the paperwork. "I think a place like this needs one of those red and green parrots. Parrots are smart birds with a winning personality and would give this place a nice touch of class."
"Why do you bring this up now?" Katara pulled the lever on the adding machine. "We're not getting a parrot."
"Dominion Home and Garden magazine has an article on parrots." Azula held the magazine folded over in her hands. "Parrots make fine pets and can live for a hundred years. The Kyoshi Red has fine plumage."
"Not going to happen." Katara looked at the adding machine tape. "Your mother told me not to take any of your advice. Why are you bothering me? I seem to recall sending you on an inventory of the kitchen."
A loud crash came from the direction of the kitchen.
"I put Karo on the task." Azula turned the page of the magazine. "He has nothing better to do this evening and we don't have a working radio – yet."
"Ahh!" Katara said
"We have a radio but it needs fixing and we don't need it until we have guests to entertain. He'll have to make do."
"I can fix the radio."
Another loud crash from the direction of the kitchen – this one had a tone like a lower pitched gong.
"You'll take it in to be fixed by a qualified service technician." Katara stood up and began to look down the hall wondering why listing items in a kitchen entailed so much noise. "Karo!" She said sharply. "Karo!?"
"We have a years supply of urinal cakes." Karo announced from the kitchen. "I may not be quiet but I'm trying to count all the cookware. We have a wok that can hit A above middle C. I must be the only person here who finds that interesting. And we need a toaster."
"I have it on the list of kitchen supplies." Katara yelled back. "Can you go help Karo? I have many things to do to whip this place into shape."
"One of them is not buying a parrot for the front lobby." Azula lifted up the flap of the lobby desk.
"Please help Karo." Katara pointed down the hall.
Torquay lay on a series of hills on bluffs overlooking the sea. One of the things that made Torquay so beloved of tourists were the many winding walking paths that followed the general outline of the rugged topography. Another thing that made Torquay a delight came from the tropical birds – the parrots were beloved of the tourists.
Azula stood on a pedestrian bridge over a forested ravine and watched the birds through a set of sporting binoculars.
Karo held a net.
The bridge itself showed the people of Torquay had a playful side. Instead of the graceful wooden arch bridge so beloved in The Realm, this one hung off of cable stays that hung from a set of concrete prongs that sat in the middle of the ravine and looked to anyone who cared like a tuning fork stuck in the ground.
"Why do you want a parrot?" Karo asked in a half interested manner.
"I don't want one, I want to get one from my mother."
Karo looked out over the city. The bridge looked to him like many things on the island, built by the Fire Nation at some point as a city improvement but made to cater to local tastes. They had left the concrete tower, cables and steel frame that held up the teak planks of the bridge deck unpainted. He had much the same taste in colors as everyone else and the view of the city reflected a love of dull colors, natural tones reflected in the tidy brick houses. A church steeple poked up from a copse of deciduous trees; made of gray rock and topped with a simple wooden cross, it looked very typical. The parrots that infested every tall tree and made Torquay a tourist trap with residents who suffered from insomnia made up for the lack of bold color – parrots flew past Karo with red, bold green and teal colors.
"What did she do to anger you?" Karo held onto a cable stay and enjoyed the view. He could feel a breeze coming off the sea and the bridge trembled ever so slightly. Unlike Komatsu an hour away by rail to the south, Torquay had the delight of having the cooling winds from the northeast that fanned through these ravines and kept the city cool. The city was pretty and unlike some of the monstrosities built by the Fire Nation, in scale and in good taste. The city was also a good place to have an inn: the climate and the topography draw golfers and tourists in large numbers to the city and its charms.
"She needs company for the times when her husband is out killing whales for lamp oil." Azula held a net out over the steel railing and waited.
"How do you make lamp oil out of whales?" Karo shook his head. "I've seen olive presses, but wouldn't you have to really scale one up to press whales? I mean such a thing must have to be huge and then how would you turn the crank at the top?"
Azula stood still for a moment, shook her head and gave up on coming up with a reply for that.
Karo could see two islands a few kilometers in area each, Arma and Arnoda a few kilometers off the coast. They stood as far north as Suihan north. Five times a day, a small car ferry departed Torquay to take passengers back to their homes on these islands. The lush tropical forest covering both small islands and on the island of Arma hid the old Fire Nation village from Karo.
The Avatar had made that small village a famous one. Karo knew the story but had never realized how close Katara had come to visiting Torquay. Hama the Waterbending Witch had once lived among the Suihannese living on Arma. Hama could have lived her life in well deserved peace protected by Suihanese distaste for Fire Nation rule towards the end of the War. Hama could have become the discoverer of Bloodbending and a hero of the Water Tribe but she turned to kidnapping the local Suihanese villagers to avenge her imprisonment.
The Dominion courts gave her a pardon a year after the War. She died a few years later in obscurity in a hospital in Omashu. Karo pondered the outline of Arma as a reminder of human frailty and what could have been. He had seldom found things melancholy but that little island made him sad.
"Here we are again." Azula sat in a chair in the lounge looking at herself in the mirror. "What kind of horrid thing do you wish to do to me in the name of making me a girl again? My upper lip still feels sunburned."
"We have never taken time out to get to know each other." Katara smiled as she began to braid Azula's hair. "You have kind of stumbled into my life and been a good friend but we never have done girl things together. I didn't grow up with any girls my age and you're really my first real 'girl' friend."
Azula pulled a ticket out of her vest. "The by law enforcement officer issued me a fifty buck fine. Apparently hunting parrots with a net on a bridge is not the way one buys a parrot. The Kyoshi Red has fine plumage but I think I'll buy a dead parrot."
"You have some of the nicest hair and yet you always wear it in the same style." Katara looked down at the dark brown straight hair which reached Azula's waist. Katara had discovered Azula was a frail genius of great scope and knowing this, found her intimidating and yet a sympathetic person in spite of her acerbic personality. Azula's mental frailty had a physical aspect: she had become a fire bender of the highest power and yet had a small frame, frail health, almost childlike beauty. She had spent one year in that asylum. Zuko had promised the best of care. In that time, the good doctors had sterilized the poor woman and left her with a Parkinson tremor in her hands.
Azula adjusted her glasses. "I wear my hear in the tradition of the Fire Nation. Karo wears his same and he likes girly hair stuff. He lives for his monthly appointments with his hairstylist. He has a crush on him but that's just a courtesy detail."
"Torquay has one of the best lingerie shops on this end of the island. Do you want to go shopping for some nice lacy underthings?" Katara did her work swiftly and had worked her way halfway down Azula's hair with the braid by the time she completed that sentence.
"Why?" Azula raised her eyebrows. "I don't need lacy underthings."
"You can come along and give your opinion on my choices." Katara smiled and tied off the end of Azula's hair with a gold bow. "How about it?"
"Sounds a little girly for me." Azula looked at the neat braid.
Karo walked into the lounge with a large box and dropped the box on the oak bar with great care. "A delivery man from Kitchen Kove dropped off the new toaster." Karo patted the receipt taped to the top. "We now have a Toastmaster A10 Commercial Grade Toaster with infinite dark settings and specialty settings for various pastries. Can I hook it up and take this baby for a spin?" Karo patted the box in a friendly manner.
"Katara wants to go lingerie shopping." Azula held her braid.
"We're not the same cup size. Azula uses me to test the fit of her bras but with you...um...er." Karo lifted up the box. "I have a toaster to test...bye."
Karo rushed out of the room.
"We're pretty much the same bra size with a few adjustments." Azula looked down at the braid. "Oddly enough we're pretty much the same size for pretty much any piece of clothing."
Azula sat at the lobby desk and penned a letter to her brother as she yawned and began to ponder her plans for the late evening. Mitsumi had endured enough of the long day of eating and chasing bugs and lay in a ball on the counter. He belched when Karo walked past with a plate of toast and a cup of coffee.
"Are you keeping the braid?" Karo sat the plate of toast on the desk.
Azula put the pencil down and looked at Karo. "I don't know. Do you like it?"
"Katara has been trying to reach out to you in recent days." Karo chewed on a piece of toast covered in marmalade. "Do you know why?"
"We're now part of the same family? Actually I have wondered and I hope its not because we're going to end up orbiting the planet in a cramped capsule." Azula swept eraser bits off the canary yellow notepad with her hand. "I never thought she'd ever want to brush my hair. She resented me for trying to murder Avatar Aang. Of course since we lost the War due to sheer military incompetence and my dad's desire to build dirigibles." Azula swished her can of soda. "After a hundred years of War, the only winner is The Dominion. They stood side by side with the Fire Nation during the War but shared in none of the hardships of defeat. Katara lost the War and has become a lonely single woman. I lost my mind and my brother rules over a poor and humiliated nation."
"Avatar Aang..." Karo mused. "Has he become obsolete?"
Azula yawned and rubbed her forehead. "I have never thought Aang lied about his role as the bridge between the Spirit Realm and the Mortal Realm but he might be mistaken about it."
"A cynic?"
"If I were a cynic, I would have accused Aang of lying." Azula picked up a piece of toast. "I remain skeptical. Only The Avatar can bend all four elements. We hear that mantra over and over and when we hear something often enough we may come to believe it. What if a number of people each generation could bend one or more elements? We look for the new Avatar when the present Avatar becomes ill or old."
Karo nodded. "Like when we hunt for a new Archbishop when the present one retires?"
"At least you undertake your search more systematically. You collect the resume and curriculum vitae from a number of people." Azula fidgeted with the golden bow in her hair. "You all get together and the deacons of all your churches vote. When the Realm selects the Avatar, we simply look for the first person to meet the line items: possessing the ability to bend all the elements and its that nation's turn. I know it involves some kind of supernatural test but the church deacons pray as an aide to decision."
"Yet he could be the bridge between our realms."
"Maybe." Azula shrugged. "The world has changed so much. A fire bender once mattered. We once represented power and skill. I attained the most coveted pinnacle of skill in lightning bending – the use of lightning. Now a cheap diesel generating station can put out a hundred times more power that I could muster. The Dominion has artillery that can fire an explosive shell twenty clicks. Guns and diesel engines don't ever get tired. We have earth moving machines, airplanes, water driven power plants. The fact is that you can hit that light switch on the wall and touch a button to have music come out of the wall and buy a car to drive you anywhere a road may take you. Locomotives and ships burn fuel to make the power to ship us toasters and cars and airplanes and radios. What good is bending now? Benders are in danger of becoming obsolete or trivial. In a century, technology may have reached the point where bending might become a freak ability like drinking soda through your nose."
"You sound even more depressed and down than usual."
"I'm writing a letter to my brother." Azula held up the canary yellow legal pad. "My mom asked me to try to stay in touch. He runs the Fire Nation and the only thing I can write about is the lack of guides to fire bending in the Suihan language because he has heard complaints from us that the current crop of translated manuals are horrid."
"I'm not Kyoshinese..." Karo read over the letter and wondered to himself why Zuko had any responsibility for making sure fire bending manuals were well written. "I haven't worn face paint or wooden head gear and the fan I own has three metal blades and plugs into the wall."
"The anthropologists classify groups of people based on their overall looks and skin color. You and your fellow Suihan have light skin, a certain face shape, often have freckles and hair that ranges in color from black to strawberry blond." Azula tapped the pencil. "I'm writing for Zuko who doesn't have your ability to put such a fine academic edge on things...or your ethnic sensitivities."
"Erm...I suppose declensions might bring you two closer." Karo stretched his arms out wide. "I have had enough for today so I'm off to sleep."
"Vivaldi's Veil and Lingerie Shop?" Azula stood out on the street. "I usually ask Karo to help me buy my underthings."
"I sent him to run around and fetch a few things while the painters are over." Katara opened the door which made a startling jangle when it struck a brass bell over the door. "I didn't him want him around in while they were painting the gables and complaining about the shade of green I had picked."
Azula peeked out from behind the heavy wooden door. "So the red light district is on Bell Street? I can spot three strip clubs from here beside each other running up the hill. 'The Big 'Uns Lounge' sounds like a classy place." Azula looked up the neatly cobbled street. She didn't see anything openly marked as a house of prostitution but she knew that was the result of local bylaws. "I don't even have 'uns.' "Nice limestone facing on this block of shops. Many lingerie shops would have rented space in a cheap commercial strip out on the edge of town out of reach of Katara."
"Don't be shy young miss." A woman about their age called from next to a rack of very small bikinis. "I see you're Fire Nation – perhaps you can find something to light the fire in that special someone?"
"A bow drill, a stick and some kindling?" Azula sank further behind the door. "Have you met my fiance? I think sex is the next number after five and he can't count that high."
"Wouldn't he enjoy seeing you in this?" Katara held up a pink teddy with a bra and she cooed. "Karo has distinguished tastes and would love to see you in this."
Azula had learned to count to ten although she knew she could only make it to three before she pounded the crap out of any appliance or vehicle that defied her. As she counted, she wondered just how much silk had gone into making the dainty garment hanging off the wooden hanger – it looked as if only one silkworm needed to be boiled alive to make all that was needed.
Azula blushed as Katara snickered. "Karo has distinguished tastes? Did you say that? He has a pet lemur and vomits on boats. You must know a different Karo." Azula cleared her throat. "I came to help you find girly girl things she can feel all nice and feminine in. If any guy wants to see me in scanty underwear I'll be surprised." She remained behind the door but Katara saw her raise her eyebrow. "If I do this for her, she has to let me get a parrot."
"Nice try." Katara replied. "I'll buy something nice for you."
The door creaked and the bells chimed in a chorus that made a pleasant twinkling E Major chord. Azula made a quick pointing gesture with her two fingers which Katara hoped was not an obscene one. A gentle flash of blue, the sound of a spark and Azula held the shop bells in her hands. "How much for these?"
Karo had completed his list of tasks. He had made fourteen copies of keys, had selected a new set of French Doors and had a food wholesaler lined up to make its first delivery in a week.
He jangled his keys and opened the double French doors. The noon sun beat down on him and a few words crossed his mind like the text on an illuminated stock ticker when he looked down the long sloping yard. He watched the word 'Polar Bear' and 'Dog' wander around his mind. The gum tree and the termite hill made of red dirt had always been there. The grass looked like it needed mowing and he hoped to God Katara had plans on hiring someone to do that. He walked into the Hotel.
The mail had arrived and he sorted the advertisements from the important personal letters and bills and looked up and faced a young man in full water tribe dress except for his blue shirt which had the arms ripped off. The man sat up on the lobby counter.
Karo stood for a moment and held the mail. "Is that a polar bear dog I can hear."
"I'm Hino...Katara's boyfriend." The man had the mustache and well groomed beard of someone with tan skin that cared about his sex appeal.
"How did you get in?" Karo pointed at the closed ornate French doors.
Hino stepped off the lobby counter and his black long hair almost shone in the light of the soft white light bulbs that shone onto the counter top. "The drywaller let me in when I knocked."
"Katara has a boyfriend?" Karo pulled up the hinged section of the counter and dropped the mail in front of Hino. "Glad we have such friendly drywallers." Karo glanced at the clock and noted the quiet. "I notice they have gone somewhere for lunch so you must have been waiting here for some time."
"Karo...right?" Hino pointed his finger and held his thumb like a gun.
Karo sorted through the mail. "Karo - the one the drywaller should have let in." He placed the mail in the proper boxes for each person residing at the hotel and that left him with a heap of junk mail.
"Katara said I could stay at the inn."
"We offer weekly and nightly rates." Karo began placing the new keys on the pegs allotted for them on the wooden board. "I imagine Katara has already discussed rates with you?"
"Do you know when she'll return?"
"She went out with Azula this morning." Karo paused and turned around when he had finished placing the keys. "Your girlfriend is trying to make my fiance more like a girl. Nothing good can come of this"
"What is wrong with that?" Hino asked questioningly as Karo produced a thermos of coffee made the way he liked it. "We men have duty to enjoy good looking women."
"Ah...well I have many duties." Karo took the top off the thermos. "I treat her with utmost respect."
"She may be a while." Karo bent down and produced two mugs. "In the meanwhile enjoy some tepid coffee and equally tepid hospitality."
"I thought Torquay catered to tourists."
"I don't cater to tourists – I write cartoons." Karo poured out the coffee. "Katara didn't tell her friends she had found a boyfriend but it explains why she's buying girl things. The problem is that she's been making my fiance more of a real girl – braiding her hair and introducing her to frilly girl underwear."
"Sounds like you will have a great time." Hino wrapped his hands around the mug.
Karo slid the yellow receipt from the food wholesaler toward himself and looked at the writing on the piece of paper. "I hope we ordered that much olive oil."
"They dropped some stuff off in the kitchen." Hino advised Karo. Katara had warned him of the standoffish attitude of the Suihanese in general but Karo seemed less than pleased to see him. "They gave me the paper. I couldn't understand a word they said so I nodded."
"Katara runs the show so she'll no doubt let you know." Karo reached down and fumbled with the combination lock of the safe. He pulled out a pistol and placed it on the desk as he looked for the box which held receipts.
"What do you need the gun for?" Hino looked at the pistol.
"I have no idea. It came with the hotel." Karo rummaged in the safe. "I use it as a paperwieght to keep the receipts in one place."
Katara swept in the room and with her braid flowing in the warm air of the lobby wrapped her arms around Hino.
Azula had her hair set back into her traditional Fire Nation bun with a gold hairpin setting it in place. "I bought a few things." She closed the doors behind her with a solemn click.
Azula placed a large brown paper bag on the counter.
"Oh...my."
"Calm down." Azula looked at her model on the lobby counter. "I tried on a few things and discovered lingerie is as big a racket as the fifty buck bikini. I think two worms gave up their all so I could wear a teddy. I want my clothes to at least offer a little protection against alpha radiation. I tried on a fifty dollar bikini – then the clerk wanted to sell me a bikini waxing kit." Azula watched Katara hang off the arm of Hino with some annoyance. "I didn't buy anything frilly...you won't have to compare me to girls with ovaries. I can't swim and the skin I save might be my own."
'What's in the bag?" Karo pressed his glasses nervously up his nose.
"I bough the latest radio. We now own an AM – FM Portable radio. We can enjoy the Tonight Show in the comfort of our own bed." Azula pushed the bag toward Karo and picked up the pistol. "Do you have rounds for this thing?"
The Emerson 450 Portable Radio had AM and FM bands and sat on the table between the beds of the room. The Tonight Show played out gently as Karo pondered a few deep thoughts. Azula held onto Karo and enjoyed his warmth radiating through her night robe
"Hino made me think..." Karo spoke up during an ad for soap. "Am I enough of a man for you?"
Azula sniffed Karo's hair. "You have one testicle. By any objective standard, your halfway there. You can be an infuriating ass, that earns you a few marks. You smell like lilacs and your hair is gorgeous."
"I have a thing for Water Tribe guys I guess." Karo let Azula's body warmth comfort him. "I still love Sokka."
"Today I was taking the subway to the NBC studio." The monolog droned on. The audience laughed because the expensive and well paid host of The Tonight Show had his own limousine and driver. "Today it was so hot on the subway..."
Azula and Karo cuddled.
"How hot was it?" The audience chimed on cue.
"It was so hot, I let the homeless guy urinate on me."
The Tonight Show was the fixture on the radio dial. People in other countries learned Suihan just to pick it up on NBC International and studied Suihan culture to better understand the jokes.
Karo felt a start when he heard window glass break.
Azula sat up. "Hino get the heave ho?"
"What if its just Mitsumi?" Karo opened the door and peered out and fell back as a tear gas grenade hit him full in the face. "What the Hell!?"
Azula shot the ceiling with a lightning bolt for good measure as Karo cried and stumbled in pain, half blind and half deaf.
"Stop...we're the police."
"Thank God we're safe." Azula coughed. "Did I forget to thank you for the – cough – tear gas?"
Karo stumbled into a wardrobe. "I don't recall needing the SWAT team."
The French Doors had seen better days. The police had hoped to take Hino by surprise but Mitsumi made a fuss so they resorted to tear gas in hopes of disabling him and apprehending him.
Azula had her hands on her hips as she watched the shafts of morning light fall through the broken glass panels of the double doors.
Katara leaned her head on Azula's shoulder. "How come you have found such a marvelous man and all I end up with are jerks, criminals or stalkers?"
"You need to run background checks." Azula poked her head out of the hole in the door. "Who would have guessed Hino was wanted for piracy. At least he won't have trouble finding love where he's going for ten to life."
Katara sighed. "What can I do? I love handsome men and I fall for the wrong ones!"
"Don't be too hard on yourself." Azula advised. "That which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger – or – succeeds on the second attempt."
"Does this mean I will die the next time they hit me with teargas?" Karo appeared from the outside of the broken door. "I have a collection of erotic, stylish and tasteful photographs of nice men. You can feel free to borrow them if you need comforting."
"I wanted to have a family and have a nice man who would embrace me and we could grow old together." Katara put her arm around Azula. "Instead I can't have children and I don't have a husband. I just have you and Azula as friends."
Karo wrote down a few details. "I think you're an awesome woman. I think your a Goddess – I class Azula as one of the higher ranking Demons. Don't be hard on yourself because many good men find you a little intimidating at first."
"Did I mention that I plan to stick a fork in your head?" Azula advised Karo. "As an aid to the surprise, I won't tell you in advance when I plan to do it."
"What happened to the door?" The mailman in his dark blue uniform handed a clump of mail to Karo.
"Well therein lies a tale – which we're not going to tell." Azula advised. "Once my fiance Karo calls the door people, we'll have this repaired."
"Sokka has written his sister." Karo handed a letter to Katara. "Can I have that Cherry Blossom stamp for my collection?"
"Our Member of Parliament wants my vote." Azula sifted through the mail at the hotel desk. "He wants Basil Faulty's vote. We're having an election."
Katara had the full lists of the cost of repairing the door. "We had planned to put in a new door because the old one looked frumpy and the stained glass didn't let in light but the door company hit us with a three hundred dollar bill to come out and put a door in."
"One day we'll have robots to do all this work." Azula tossed the letter from the local Member of Parliament in the wastepaper basket.
"Robots?" Katara asked as she rummaged through a red tool box on the counter. "Suki sends her regards and wants to inform us that she will be arriving by ship tomorrow afternoon. She's three months pregnant and her doctor advised her to take a rest."
"I have this awful feeling that this will somehow involve me doing work." Azula grumbled.
"I will man the counter. You will go upstairs to room eight and fix the window the painters painted shut." Katara handed Azula a straight edge screwdriver. "Where's Karo?"
"Making toast." Azula held the screwdriver. "We saw Suki at the wedding and no one said anything about anyone being pregnant. I would have thought all of the heavy metals leeching out of their face paint would have ruled out having children with the normal number of limbs. I would have expected your brother to brag about his virility."
"Fix the window."
"I'm just saying..." Azula walked off.
Karo wandered in with a plate of toast. "I meant to ask you why we have urinal cakes but no urinals."
"Sokka's wife is pregnant." Katara explained as Karo rooted through the tool box. "She's going through a difficult pregnancy and is coming to the inn to relax. I need to ask for your help in keeping Azula under some control."
"She pretty much does as she wants." Karo fished through the toolbox. "You might think about asking me to control the weather by sheer force of will."
"What are you looking for?" Katara asked calmly.
"The electrician rewired the entire inn and brought it up to code but he didn't wire in the switch to the kitchen lights or he wired it to a switch we haven't find like the 'secret hidden light switch' in the closet. Karo gave up the search for anything that couldsafely detect a live circuit without using him as the main metering device and threw up his hands. "The switch is there but it does nothing so after dark, you either have to use earth bending or a cane to find anything. Even during the day, getting through the kitchen is an exercise in barking my shins. Well I'm off to the hardware store to spend thirty minutes finding a thirty cent switch that matches the décor."
Suki and Katara stepped out of a yellow cab as the driver politely set Suki's bags on the front steps.
"So the old inn will be open again?" The cab driver said pleasantly as Katara paid his fare and a tip for his troubles. "Why thank you ma'am. Have a good day you two ladies." He smiled ad tipped his tipped his hat as a farewell. He stepped in his cap and slowly reversed and then turned around.
Azula had hoped to greet Suki with a rousing chorus of the Suihan National Anthem: Suihan, Suihan Over All. It had a stirring melody, sounded fantastic at sporting events and sounded rather provocatively imperialistic for a country proclaiming peace and freedom.
Azula trotted out past the bags sitting on the steps. "Welcome to Green Gables. My mother wished to have something to fill her time during the times when Chief Hakoda was away."
Suki stood in the shade of the inn with Katara and gave Azula a confused look.
"I don't speak Suihan." Suki said apologetically as she bowed. "I'm sorry."
"Damn it1" Azula scratched her head but didn't bow in reply. "I'm picking up Karo's odd behaviors. I have an inventory of odd behaviors of my own but until now, one of them wasn't that annoying habit of speaking Suihan in place of Chinese."
"I admire your skill at mastering such a difficult language." Suki complimented Azula. "Both you and Katara have that beautiful accent – maybe I'll pick up a few phrases."
"I know a few phrases of Kyoshinese." Azula added. "Ogenki ga...Genki va...Genki ga doko desu ka?" Azula had picked up some Kyoshinese from the captured Kyoshi Warriors but repressed it. Now she found Suihan and Kyoshinese worked to oppose each other. Kyoshinese and Suihan both had the word 'ka' which worked with questions. In Kyoshinese, 'ka' fell at the end of the sentence and meant nothing except as a contraption to make the sentence a question. In Suihan, it meant 'what' and never appeared at the end of a sentence. Azula's verbal cortex hopped down the sentence she had recited from memory and threw out an error. It couldn't find a verb (which was normal in Suihan) but it couldn't find a function for 'ga', 'doku' or 'desu'.
"Where is health?" Suki looked confused.
"I won't attempt to express myself in your fragile language at any time soon. I guess I don't know any phrases in Kyoshinese – so sad, such a loss." Azula made no offer to pick up Suki's suitcases. "I had wanted to ask 'How you were doing.'"