"The Last Kiss"
I look at you. You look at me. I watch you watching me watching you watching me. I can't tear my gaze away from you. I know that you feel the same, that you must feel the same. My breath gets knotted up, all jumbled in a mess of thoughts, memories, emotions, all tripping over each other to get to the surface first, to tear through my lips. Words begging to get out.
There's a pain in my chest. A pain I can't describe; it's as if my heart is somehow broken, and the pieces of it got stuck to my chest. Those shards hurt me. From the inside. I want to crawl back there, crawl back inside my heart and scrape it out, tear the shards free.
There's a little boy inside my heart. He's alone in the dark, left out in the cold, unloved, unwanted, sick and in pain. He's cradling himself in his own arms, rocking himself, crying himself to sleep.
There's a little boy inside my heart.
And he's screaming.
I want to calm him, to take him into my arms, to ease his pain, tell him it will be okay, that it will be just fine...
...but the tears threatening my eyes tell me that it will not. The scent hanging in the air, my icy sigh that freezes the air between you and I, reminds me that it will not. It will never be okay. It will never be just fine. I will never be just fine. I will never be that same, innocent boy. I will never be the same.
You will never be that same innocent girl. You will never be the same.
And love will never be the same.
"You remember what I said... don't you?" you ask. Oh why... why do you have to speak? Don't you know, don't you see that I found solace in your absence, solace in the void of you, contentment in your silence? Why do you... you always...
"I do. Do you?"
"Yes."
Didn't we already have this conversation?
"Still... what if I become a vampire... like I am now..?" that shiver on your lower lip, ah it's painfully the same. It's still there, after all these years and all this blood and all the bodies and flame and ashes, it is still there. That doe-eyed stare, those pearly tears, the small shiver in your voice... still the same. But no. It will never be the same. You will never be the same.
"Then... I will kill you."
"Is that... what you came here... to do..?"
"Yes."
Is there any need for words? No. But still, we speak. You stand by the window, only a breath away from me, half-lamenting the fall of your precious Sir Kaname, and I am here, lost in my pain, seeking its source, stalking old memories in the dead of the night. A broken record memory keeps repeating, it is dancing at the tip of my tongue. This special memory of a fateful night, of fangs of repentance, is swirling in my mouth, reminding me of that... I can still taste it...
...you. I can still taste you.
In satin black, you danced at that playground divine... yes, half-sweet, half-bitter is this taste; all-around bittersweet, brine... in brine you danced. I can still taste that first moment... that dark night, that...
"Kaname..." you speak again, "...he's dead... isn't he?"
"Yes." I don't want to break your heart. Doesn't mean I won't. But I don't do it out of hate. I don't take things away from you out of hate; no, I do it out of love.
"You will... do it?"
Yes, I will. You broke my heart.
"You broke my heart, Zero..." you say, "I know... it's selfish of me to say that... that I need to be strong, and to keep my end of the promise... but you broke my heart."
You broke my heart. And now I feel it.
There's a little boy inside of my heart, and he's dying.
I put my heart in a box and bury it. I shuffle the soil clean, place my heart inside my love, inside my hate. The little boy chokes. But still he's clawing the air, screaming, shouting, wailing, calling. From beneath his grave, my heart calls onto me.
It's too late. For me. For you. For everything. For us.
"You are a vampire." I say, "I am a vampire hunter. It's simple enough. I hunt, you get hunted. That was our deal."
"Yes... and I know that you had to kill... Kaname... but still... it's..."
I raise my sword. A consecrated, anti-vampire blade. A Bloody Rose Sword. A perfect blade, taken many a vampire's unlife with a single stroke. Forged of the remains of Kaien Cross' sword. It's perfect. I feel it inside of my palm. I cross the distance in between us.
Oh, I crossed oceans to find you. I waded through seas of tears just to reach to you. I came from across infinity just to be here... just to be with you, be near you and... to kill you. To end your unlife, Yuuki Cross.
You stand up, as if defiant, as if refusing to give in. I cannot stand it. I cannot stand the sight of you!
"Then," you say, "I'm ready, Zero. Do it."
You close your eyes. You hold your arms to the sides, as if ready to embrace the blow. As if ready to embrace death. As if ready to depart. As if ready to part from me.
I raise my sword. A consecrated, anti-vampire blade. A Bloody Rose Sword. A perfect blade, ready to take Yuuki Cross' unlife with a single stroke. Hers... and then, mine.
The boy inside is screaming still. Begging this time, begging me to stop. He frantically shows me memories of long ago, memories of another, of another past, of another me and another you, another love and another night...
"Don't slack off!"
"You're just trying to give up!"
"About time you wanted this, right? They didn't let you drink when you were being healed, right?"
Yuuki...
"It's like I'm being peered into and I don't like it!"
Yuuki...
"I won't let Zero die!"
Yuuki...
"If it's in here, nobody will notice us."
Yuuki...
"Zero, are you okay?"
And the sword drops onto the floor. It clatters away uselessly, as I tear through the final distance, the cold night air between us. Harshly, without you resisting, maybe out of shock or maybe because you had no time to or maybe, if I dare to hope, because you want it too, I pull you closer. I pull you close to me. I hold you in my arms, I press you against me...
...the boy is screaming. His strains to be heard, he's dying to be heard.
I can't keep the silence anymore.
"I'm sorry..." I let out, startling you for the first time, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry..."
Your hair against my lips... strands interlocking with my fingertips... tears on your shoulder. My tears. Your mascara's running...
Your scent. I can tell by your scent. I can tell by your blood. I can tell by how your blood flows.
"Zero..."
"I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." the boy keeps chanting, "I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." the boy can't stop chanting his mantra, reciting his prayer, "I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." he is stuck repeating misery's canticle, "I'm sorry... I'm sorry... Yuuki, I am so..."
"You don't have to be sorry... you've done nothing wrong. Please, don't cry."
The boy stops, dead.
"Don't apologize... you've done nothing wrong... it's okay."
Are my words... forgiven..?
"It's okay, really..."
Am I now... forgiven?
There's a little boy inside of my heart and he's dead.
I push you away. I can't. I can't, no! If I hold onto you one second longer, I won't be able to do it. I will have nothing left to live for if I hold you one more second. You stumble, startled by the movement, and fall, letting out a yelp. That singular motion, the awkward echo of your wheek for asistance triggers more memories, but the memories are broken-hearted now, lying dead, heartless in their silence. All these years, Yuuki, all these broken, hated years; I spent lifetimes trying to find my way to you. And now, in our silence, in our misery, do we find nothing but this..? Do we find nothing..?
You say nothing.
I bend down and pick up the sword.
You say nothing.
I hold it tightly inside of my plam.
You say nothing.
I raise the sword.
You say...
"I love you."
The sword slides inside your heart, pierces it through and through. You must feel pain, you must feel the blood spilled onto the floor take more than just a few droplets, but that it drips away your life, drip by drop by drip... you must feel it, you must sense it by now, that this is the end. The end of me. The end of us. The end of love. The end of you.
All I ever wanted is in the end of you, Yuuki Cross.
I say nothing. I look at you. You look at me. I watch you watching me watching you watching me.
"I love you, Yuuki..." I let out, as I pull out my Bloody Rose Gun, the same that I kept from my academy days. I put it against my temple, it's cold there, not unlike your touch, light as a feather, cold as grim death...
"Will you..." you say, "...kiss me... for the first and... last... time..?"
"I love you..." I keep chanting, "I love you..." I bend down slowly, once more crossing the distance, for the final time, "I love you..." I can't keep myself from chanting my mantra, "I love..."
Our lips meet. It is just like in my dreams... bloodstained, full of hatred, of harsh resentment, our lips fighting the war our bodies are too weary to fight, crushing against each other, trying to overwhelm one another... it is just like in my dreams, full of love and agony and miserable... in misery, we meet.
I kiss you.