Summary: Sam returns to Port Charles, the last place she ever wanted to set foot in again, after her mother nearly dies in an attack by the Text Message Killer. She left town alone and broken after learning the love of her life lied to her and shut her out for months while having an emotional affair with the mother of his child. She isn't returning alone or broken, however. She's stronger now and Samantha McCall has a few surprises in store for everyone and none will be more shocked than her former fiance, Jason Morgan. A lot has changed in the short time Sam has been away, however, and it seems she isn't as well informed as she thought. Will their choices seal them to a fate that will forever keep them apart, or will love and honesty prevail to help them trust their way back to one another?
Disclaimer: Some writing is directly quoted or paraphrased within memories or flashbacks and belongs to GH and its respective writer. I do not own any of the General Hospital characters.
Starts With Goodbye
"It's sad, but sometimes moving on with the rest of your life, starts with goodbye." -Carrie Underwood
Prologue.
Sam was sitting on their bed. She hung up the phone and it fell out of her hand as the bitterness and hurt gave way to the battle weariness of having fought so long and so hard for something she now knew would never be. She was so tired it left her numb. She'd been fighting for him, for herself and fighting for them for weeks now and she was just worn out. She hadn't confronted Jason after learning Jake was his son. Maybe it wasn't the wisest choice, but she wanted to believe the man she loved wouldn't keep that from her if she could just make him feel safe enough in their love to open up. So, she'd set up countless opportunities for him to do that very thing.
She'd provided him time after time to tell the truth about his son, but he'd shot down every chance in favor of keeping his lie for another woman. No matter how much reassurance and gentle urging Sam offered, Jason continued to lie to her face day after day after day and she was just tired of fighting the inevitable. Jason intended to keep that lie between them no matter the cost, even if it continued to tear them apart until there was nothing left. Amelia's words from their conversation earlier that day echoed in her mind...
"If it bothers you so much just confront him, or is there a part of you that enjoys making Jason and Elizabeth squirm?"
Sam didn't want to torture anyone. What she wanted was for Jason to come clean about his child. She didn't care about his agreement with Elizabeth. She wanted him to tell her the truth so then maybe they could consider their options, together. She didn't want to be left out of Jason's life and that was exactly what she'd told her newest boss and confidante, Amelia.
"Well, didn't you tell me that the whole reason Jason didn't want kids to begin with was because of his violent lifestyle? I mean it's obviously the reason that he's not claiming his son."
Sam shook her head as anger surged. What was obvious to Sam was that Jason was just going along with Elizabeth. Jason had put those fears to rest months ago, last January, when he'd told her that he wanted to start a family with her...
"It's… it's never been a question of me wanting to be a father. I do. I've just been afraid to bring a child into an unstable situation."
"Please don't try to convince me again."
She couldn't bear to hear him reject the idea of starting a family with her again, but he'd continued, undeterred, and surprised her with the words she'd dreamed of hearing.
"No parent can guarantee their child a perfect life. I mean, all you can do is love your child and give the best of yourself and you and I can do that for our child. So, if… if you still want to…"
"Don't do this just to make me happy."
"I'm not, I'm not. I'm not. It would make me happy. I want us to have a child."
Her heart clenched at the memory of the tender love they had made that night and at how futile their attempts had been in light of the damage that bullet had done. She forced herself to recall more recent events that supported her notion instead like how she'd witnessed Jason tell Elizabeth that day in the hospital he wished there was some way they could share custody.
Elizabeth had told him no, proclaiming Jason too dangerous to be around his own child. Sam remembered overhearing Jason tell Spinelli that he couldn't be a part of Jake's life because he didn't want his son to be subjected to Elizabeth's constant fear. It was no way for a child to grow up. No. Jason wanted to be a part of his child's life, but he'd allowed Elizabeth to take away his rights, his dream, their dream to have a family. Elizabeth had manipulated Jason and effectively used his old fears against him to get what she wanted, a respectable little family with Lucky and Jason strung along on the side.
Sam considered her alternatives. She could keep quiet, maintain status quo, but she'd already told Amelia she didn't want to wake up every morning knowing the man she loved was keeping a secret child from her and that feeling hadn't changed. She could confront him, but what good would that do? She already knew his reasons for lying and she didn't care to beat him into submission with the truth. She knew Jason well enough to know the guilt was already eating him alive and, as much as his lie hurt her, she didn't want to hurt him back. She loved him.
She once told him she loved him enough to walk away and he'd asked her if she loved him enough to stay. She had. She had stayed and fought for them with everything she had. She just wished he had loved her the same. When she was shot, he walked away and now when he needed someone to help him through the loss of his father and losing his son he had shut down on her again and walked away, again. He didn't love her enough to stay and fight. Their last argument was only more proof to the fact. He'd barely spoken, or raised his voice. He stood there practically emotionless as she poured her heart and soul out to him, begging him to fight with her, for her, for them.
~flashback~
Sam came through the door and placed her keys on the desk as she spotted Jason by the pool table. She'd stormed off from him in the park earlier after another arranged 'chance encounter' with Elizabeth and Jake failed to illicit Jason's confession. She'd managed to cool down after a conversation with her boss, Amelia, outside Kelly's and decided to come home. She just wanted to talk things out with him.
"Jason, I am sorry. I'm sorry about what happened with Elizabeth... and the baby... and the park and the whole..."
Jason put down his cue stick as soon as he saw her. He picked up his jacket off the back of the couch and headed for the door without so much as a hello.
"So am I." He interrupted as he brushed past her.
Sam turned as he walked by without even stopping to look at her. "What are you doing? What, you can't walk out, Jason. We have to talk about this."
Jason grabbed his keys off the desk and turned to her. "You can't carry a child because of me and I'm sorry. I really am. I would do anything to change that. I just don't know what to do."
His tone was controlled and resolute as if he'd already given up, but Sam wasn't ready to give up. "What are you doing? Jason, we can still have a child!"
Jason looked at her as if confused. "What, do you want to adopt?"
Sam just couldn't believe he could stand there and continue to lie. "NO, I don't. Don't you understand? I want your child!"
Jason was visibly taken aback by her torrent of emotion and Sam sighed and tried to reign in the anger and resentment growing inside. She knew Jason only shut down when he was confronted that way. "Jason, it's just with our background, adoption would be too difficult and I don't think it would be fair to put either one of us through that kind of scrutiny."
Jason wasn't following. "So, where are you going with this?"
Sam knew she was manipulating this scenario now for the truth and she hated doing it. It reeked of something Elizabeth or Carly or even the person she used to be would stoop to, but she was desperate to find a way to break through that wall he'd built between them. "I'm out of the baby-making process, but you're not and I was just hoping that maybe we could use a surrogate."
Jason sighed and shook his head, not even giving the option a minute's consideration. "I can't."
He can't? He can't? He already had! If he claimed his son, he and Sam could help raise him! Sam felt her frustration grow beyond control and before she knew it she was doing the last thing she should have done. Jason never responded well to ultimatums, but she couldn't stop herself. "What if I tell you that despite my new career I will not be at peace unless we have your child to raise together even if it's not mine biologically? What if I tell you we are not going to make it unless we are parents together?"
Jason blinked as guilt washed over him. He could have ended the argument then and there by telling Sam about Jake, but he wouldn't allow himself to do so. "I don't think it's fair to a child to make it responsible for our happiness. I mean to say having a baby is gonna save us, or not having one is gonna tear us apart..."
But he did have one and denying it was tearing them apart. Why couldn't he see that? There was no holding back now. Sam was livid. He was denying her a child when he freely gave one away to Elizabeth, when she had been willing to share hers with him. "Really, Jason? So you won't even CONSIDER a surrogate? You are not being fair. Our relationship took ROOT around my pregnancy. When I was terrified at the fact of a helpless baby being dependent on me you convinced me that I could do it, that WE could do it together. WE were gonna be a family. And now you're just simply refusing to give me that."
Emotion struck his voice for the first time as he took a step toward her. "I can't give you that. In fact, I'm the one who took that away from you."
God, the man was infuriatingly obtuse sometimes. How much more could she spell this out for him without actually saying the words? "JASON I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR THAT! How many times do I have to TELL you that? It is the REST that I can't accept. All those months that went by and we could have gotten pregnant and we didn't! And the fact that now you won't even CONSIDER sharing your child with me!"
Sam sighed heavily and shook her head. Shock and pain radiated through her. "Oh," She breathed in disbelief. "I can't believe it's taken me... this long to see how selfish, how selfish you really are."
She rushed out afterward, sick with rage and disappointment. She couldn't stomach being in the same room with him and the reality of what they had become. By the time she returned, he was gone too. Sam didn't like the way she had left things. She'd come back to apologize and tell him she was angry, but not at him which, sitting there now, she knew in her heart wasn't entirely true. But she was too afraid to admit her anger toward him; afraid it might push him away even more. She was also angry at life and fate and most of all her own bad choices.
She would have told him she was furious, furious and devastated that she would never be the mother of his child, but she wouldn't let anger ruin what they have. She wanted to remind him that, aside from her daughter, he was still the most important thing that had ever happened to her and she would never give up on them. She wanted to tell him all of that, but he wasn't there to tell. He'd walked away again and maybe it was time she accepted the cold hard truth staring her in the face. Maybe he didn't want to be in it with her anymore. Maybe Jason was just holding on to her out of obligation. Maybe it was better to let go before it destroyed them both, including the precious memories of every good thing they had ever given one another.
~end flashback~
That last call had been her final effort, one last attempt so she might avoid doing what she knew in her heart needed to be done. She'd called him one more time, but it had gone straight to voice mail, again. She didn't bother leaving any message. Jason was avoiding her and if he'd cared to hear her voice he would have picked up the phone. She knew Jason had his phone on him. He always carried his phone and it was always on. God forbid he not be available for Sonny or Carly when they needed him. Sam guessed she should add Elizabeth to that list as well now. After all, Mrs. Elizabeth Spencer was the mother of his child and Sam knew there wasn't anything Jason wouldn't do for his son. Anything, that is, except claim him as his own and allow Jake to know the love of his own father or her, the woman his father claimed to love more than any other. To think she had once been more than willing to share her child with him and now, when the tables had turned, Jason did everything in his power to hide his child from her as if she weren't good enough to share that blessing with him. She swallowed that pain down and wiped the tears from her eyes.
She stood from the bed and stepped over her phone, not bothering to pick it up from where it had landed. She didn't even give it a second glance as she headed to their closet. She pulled her large black duffel from one of the lower shelves and walked back to the bed. She began packing, emptying her dresser drawers and every other spot in the penthouse that contained things she intended to take with her. She knew she had to do it and he wouldn't understand. Jason had no idea she knew the truth about Jake and she wondered, as she zipped the stuffed bag closed, if it would be kinder to tell him the truth or to never mention it at all?
Sam was hurt, but she didn't want to hurt him in return and if she stayed around much longer she wasn't sure she could prevent it. Their fight earlier had proven as much to her. The longer Jason lied to her the angrier and more desperate and vengeful she became. She could feel it growing and that frightened her. Sam didn't like who this was turning her into. She had to end it before she did something she couldn't take back. She didn't want to become some spiteful woman fueled by resentment who lashed out at everyone around her. That was who her adoptive mother had been and the thought of ending up like Evelyn Bass scared the hell out of her, but she wasn't sure she could avoid it if she remained in the situation she was in now.
It killed her to do it, but she had to walk away before it was too late to save herself. The hardest and scariest part of all was that, without Jason, she wasn't sure she even wanted to be saved. She had made a promise to herself after hitting bottom with Ric, however, that she would never allow herself to self-destruct like that ever again. She deserved better and so did the people she loved. And, despite everything, she did love him and her family more than anything and, maybe, that was as much a part of the problem as any other. Maybe she needed to learn to love and respect herself just as much, if not more, and maybe, just maybe, the physical distance would help her gain the psychological break she needed to do just that.
Sam put pen to paper and took a few minutes to write a few words, deciding to end their relationship as it had begun with only the truth between them. She left the envelope on his desk where she knew he would find it. She hefted the over-sized bag from the bottom step on the stairs and, with one last long glance around at the first home she'd ever known, she turned and walked out of the door, out of Port Charles and out of his life, for good.
She found herself alone and across town half an hour later. It was a sad commentary on her life to date that, after three and a half years in Port Charles, she could count on just three fingers the number of people she cared to say goodbye to. She wasn't on the best of terms with her family. Sleeping with her mother's husband had apparently earned her a lifetime designation as the ultimate black sheep, but Sam figured it was fair enough. Her cousin, Nikolas, had little to do with her once she'd disregarded her mother's wishes and reunited with Jason, but in fairness he was also preoccupied with his own romantic woes with the love of his life, Emily.
She wanted very much to say goodbye to her little sisters, but they were so young. She wasn't sure what to say to make them understand. Maybe it was better that way, to just go without upsetting them. Her mother had also made it clear she thought it best they keep their distance from one another since she wasn't ready to forgive Sam any time soon. Oddly enough, Carly Corinthos, the wife of her former lover had been the one to push Alexis and Jason to forgive her. They were not friends, but something had changed. She and Carly were no longer enemies either and Sam couldn't help wonder if they might ever become friends, if she stayed.
Probably not.
Carly would always be Jason's friend first, just like Spinelli had turned out to be. Sonny, her baby's biological father, wouldn't make her Christmas gift list that year either after slapping that injunction on the new reality show she starred in, Everyday Heroes. That man gave the words narcissistic paranoia all new meaning and she wondered if he would ever wake up and realize not everything everyone did in that town was about him.
Probably not.
Amelia. Amelia was her producer and had also become... a friend of sorts, but Sam just didn't have the fight in her she knew it would take for that goodbye. If she'd learned anything about Amelia Joffe, it was that she never gave up on something she wanted and, right now, Amelia wanted Sam as hostess for her company's hit show. She felt bad for leaving Amelia and the show in the lurch, but she just didn't have it in her to be what they needed now. Sam would call her or write to apologize and explain things once she got some distance.
She'd write her mother too. She wouldn't hold her breath for any Hallmark family reunion, but she'd told Alexis she wasn't closing the door on them and she'd meant it. She briefly considered calling Maxie to meet her at Kelly's. She'd become fast friends with the younger blonde during her short employment at the Metro Court. Sam would miss the feisty whirlwind known as Maxie Jones. She decided she'd keep in touch with her as well, but not now. Right now there were only three people she intended to visit on her way out of town and two of them were right there in front of her.
Sam knelt before his headstone and placed fresh flowers in the matching granite vase. Wildflowers, Danny had always loved them. He loved how there were so many different shapes and colors and had once told her they reminded him of her because wildflowers were survivors. They adapted to grow strong out of the most brutal environments and that only made their beauty all the more special because of it. She felt the same way about him. Her brother had the most gentle and beautiful soul of anyone she had ever known, despite the monster that had raised him.
"Hi Danny. It's me, your sister, Sam." She smiled remembering how Danny always insisted on introducing himself that way even though he knew she knew who he was. He was always so proud to be her big brother.
Her smile faded into a pensive frown as she struggled for the harder words to follow. "I have to go away and I don't think I'll be coming back. I just can't stay here anymore, but I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye to you. I know it isn't really goodbye. You'll always be here." Sam placed her hand over her heart.
"But this is your final resting place; here, near my daughter, your niece, and I'm going to miss not being able to visit you. Being here with you and Lila is one of the very few places I can find any peace and I could desperately use some peace in my life right about now. That's why I have to go."
Sam sighed as she breathed deep. "I'm scared to death I'll never find any without him no matter where I go, but I know I won't as long as I'm surrounded by constant reminders of the lie that's tearing us apart. I hope you understand. I love you, big brother, and I miss you more than words. Keep taking good care of Lila, Danny, until I can be with you both again and we can all take care of each other."
Sam stood and placed a kiss to her fingers then brushed it against the top of his marker before taking a few steps over to her daughter. She placed the vibrant bouquet of Stargazer lilies at her daughter's grave. "Hi baby girl. It's me again, mommy." Oh, Sam thought, what I wouldn't give to have the chance to hear you call me that, even once. "I love you and miss you so much; all the time. I guess you probably heard me saying goodbye to your Uncle Danny, but I need to say goodbye to you too."
She took a deep breath to keep the emotions at bay. "I'll always carry you with me in my heart, but I won't be able to visit you here anymore. I'm not sure what you're able to see and hear up there, but your daddy and I... We just weren't able to make it work. I'm not mad at him, or maybe I am just a little."
She might try to lie to herself, but she could never lie to her little girl. "I wanted him to fight for us the way he once fought for you." Her gaze shifted from her daughter's flowers to the granite stone before her. "I don't know if you know this, or not, but there was a time I wasn't so sure I could be a good mother to you. Jason was the one who convinced me that I could. He wanted to be your dad, so much. He refused to let me give you up and his faith and love made me see just what a blessing it was that I had been given. And from the moment I heard your little heart beating inside me, I knew. I knew I would do anything and everything I could to be the mother you deserved."
She wiped at the tear at her eye as she wished for the millionth time or more that she'd only had the chance to keep that promise to her child. "I'll always be thankful to Jason for that. He never gave up on us being a family. I wish he still felt that way, but he's lost that faith in me now, lost faith in us. I guess I can't blame him. We both did things that hurt one another, but I'm tired of doing that. I'm tired of hurting him and I'm tired of being hurt. I still love Jason and, after everything, I've realized I always will. But it's become very clear I'm just not the one that makes him happy anymore. It's time I let him go because I want him to be happy. I want us both to be happy and to live our lives in a way that honors the love we have for each other and you. Because having you, loving you, taught me so many things and one of them is that life is just too short for anything else. So, I'm leaving and I don't know where I'm headed yet. But I do know that I intend to find love, peace and happiness with myself and for myself somewhere along the way."
Sam brushed her hands through the velvety green grass as the peacefulness of her daughter's love settled over her from above. She breathed in the moment, savoring it before speaking again. "I know it's a big task to ask of such a little girl, but do you think you could do mommy a favor? Could you watch over Jason? Keep him safe and maybe even try, try to help him find some happiness? It's all I've ever wanted for him and it's all he ever wanted for you too. I don't know if he'll visit you here very often, Lila, but I do know that he will always love you. We both will. You're a part of us, the best part, and I'll never forget that, or you, no matter how many miles I put between us."Sam rose to her knees and placed a soft kiss to her hand and then to the stone as she had with Danny. "Take care, baby girl. Mommy loves you, always and forever."
She made her way through the park, committing the views to memory. Her steps halted as she came to the little foot bridge over the creek near the giant Willow and watched as a gentle evening breeze swept its drooping branches lazily along the bank of water. She'd once told Jason she'd dreamed of them sharing a picnic under that tree and feeding the ducks with their little girl. So many memories everywhere she turned. She exited the park near the Elm Street Pier and crossed the street to Kelly's. It was her final stop.
She was relieved to arrive after the lunch crowd and before the dinner guests. The place was empty, at least of anyone she knew. She dropped her bag at her feet and took a seat at the counter as the diner's manager appeared from the back, fresh pie in hand.
The graying man smiled wide as he spotted one of his favorite patrons and carefully placed the pie under the glass cover of the cake pedestal. "Sam, it's good to see you. What can I get for you? How about a slice of fresh strawberry rhubarb? Made it from scratch and it just finished cooling from the oven."
Sam returned his smile with a genuine one of her own. Her former lover's father had always been good to her and she would miss the smile and friendly words he always had for her. "No thanks, Mike. I've got some place to be, but I wanted to stop by to talk to you about something if you have a minute."
"Of course, Sam." Mike's smile wavered. She seemed troubled. "What's on your mind?"
Sam bit her lower lip, hesitant to say the words aloud to another living person and make them real. "I'm leaving town, Mike, and I just wanted to say goodbye. You've always been really kind to me. You never judged me no matter how many opportunities there were for you to do so. I wanted you to know just how much that means to me."
Mike's eyes got a little misty. "Sam, are you in trouble? Is there anything I can do to help?"
Sam's anxiety softened at his concern. "No, Mike, not that kind of trouble. Jason and I tried, but it just isn't going to work out and as much as I've come to think of this town as home it's just too hard right now to stick around with so many memories of what might have been."
Mike nodded. He'd seen how hard things had been for Jason and Sam since the shooting and his heart went out to the both of them. "I'm sorry to hear that Sam. Are you sure?"
Sam nodded, sad that it was true. "I'm sure, but, if it isn't too much to ask, there is one thing you could do for me."
"Anything." Mike told her without pause.
"I won't be here to visit my daughter or my brother anymore and I was wondering if maybe you could visit them for me every once in a while, bring them some flowers and just... let them know they haven't been forgotten?"
Mike knew the pain of losing a child and, though he hadn't known her brother very well, he would forever be connected to him through Sam's baby girl, as well as the tragedy that had claimed both Danny's life and the life of his daughter.
He blinked rapidly at the moisture collecting in his eyes as his deep voice broke reverently. "I'd be honored to visit my granddaughter and her uncle for you, Sam. I promise I'll make sure they know they're both still loved and remembered."
Sam gave him a weak smile as her voice trembled. "Thank you, Mike. Danny always loved wildflowers and Lila..."
"Stargazer lilies." He answered for her and then felt the need to explain further when he saw her surprise. "I figured those must be from either you or Jason since they're always there when I visit. Sonny always sends roses." He wouldn't share with her the fact that his son, her daughter's biological father, happened to send the same roses to his sister, Courtney's, grave as well which is how he knew they were from him. And, what's more he suspected, Sonny used a service rather than ever delivering them in person. Everyone had a right to grieve in their own way, Mike believed, and so he tried not to pass judgment on his son for choosing avoidance as his way.
Sam pursed her lips, a bit emotional at his admission. Mike hadn't forgotten her daughter. He visited her at her grave. "You're a good man, Mike Corbin."
"It's easy to be good to a good woman like you, Sam." He replied honestly. "Do me a favor?"
Sam nodded hesitantly for him to continue. "Send me a postcard every once in a while and let me know how you're doing?"
"I will, Mike. Thanks again, for everything." She told him with a watery later, he came around the counter and hugged her goodbye and wished her farewell after packing a complimentary assortment of her favorite cookies and a fresh cup of coffee for the road. He handed them to her and watched sadly as Sam McCall walked out of Kelly's diner, out of Port Charles, and out of his life. But not for good, he hoped.
1.
Eight days, it had been eight days since Sam had walked out of his life. 8 days. 192 hours. 11,520 minutes. 691,200 seconds since he'd last seen the face of the woman he loved. Jason wasn't sure if it was his confinement to a dreary holding cell or his separation from Sam, but he was having a hard time shutting off his brain. It had been in overdrive since the moment he'd found her letter and realized she was gone. Questions and random memories hit him left and right and he found himself doing long math, converting time off the top of his head, just to catch a break from the painful thoughts assailing his psyche.
He couldn't get the image of the last time he'd seen her out of his mind. The disappointment in her eyes and the pain etched across her delicate features haunted him every waking moment and even in his sleep, not that he was able to get much of that these days. He couldn't remember the last time he'd seen her beautiful smile, the real one that shined all the way into her eyes and lit up a room, and his heart, with its brilliance. It must have been forever since she'd smiled that smile and even longer, he was sure, since he'd been the one to put it there.
How had things gotten so messed up? It was a question he'd never really allowed himself to contemplate until now. He'd never been one to dwell on the past. You make a decision and you live with the consequences. You move on, but how was he supposed to move on without her? How was he supposed to move on without his child and how was he supposed to move on with his life if he was convicted of murder? The answer was simple. He wasn't, but the solution was complicated as hell. And, he was learning as he delved deeper into the labyrinth of his recent choices, the path that had led him to his current state was even more convoluted.
Despite the confusion that line of thinking brought him, Jason persisted, convinced that somewhere within the mistakes of his past lie the key to fixing it all. He had to fix it all, for everyone, for himself, but especially for her. That was what he'd always been best at after all, wasn't it? Fixing things? He sighed and rubbed his throbbing temples as he continued to pace the confined space. He knew he should be focusing on beating the murder charge, but with Sam gone he couldn't seem to. He'd tried so hard to do what he believed was right by everyone and, in the end, he'd only let them all down. What hurt more than anything was how he'd let the most important person in his life down worst of all.
Sam knew about Jake, knew Jason had kept his son a secret from her. She'd told him as much in her letter. He wished he had it with him now, but everything on his person had been confiscated during his arrest. He didn't need it to remember her words. Those were engraved upon his memory as distinctly as the paper on which they were written. He simply wanted to hold it, run his fingers over the delicate script, over her final words to him. It might be pathetic, but until he could get out, until he could find her, it was the last thing he had left of her.
Dammit, he cursed. If only he hadn't allowed Sonny to tie him up in another one of his sordid affairs, he would have been long gone looking for Sam before the PCPD ever tracked him down.
His mind replayed the moments leading up to his detainment over and over in his head, knowing nothing he did now could change the outcome; but wishing, for the first time in his life, that it could. He knew better than to ever ignore his instincts. Doing that only led to trouble, but he'd done it anyway. He knew, or at least his gut knew, that Sam knew the truth. Something in the way she had acted in the park earlier the day she left had caused him to ask her if she'd planned that set up with Jake and Elizabeth on purpose and, in that moment, his gut was telling him she knew. But he didn't listen. He didn't want to listen. He didn't want to believe it because if it were true, if Sam knew the truth he'd been keeping from her, then he wouldn't know what to do. He could barely handle the truth himself, but facing accountability for the pain he knew it would bring Sam was just more than he could take on top of everything else. She wouldn't just be crushed to know he had a child with another woman, one she could now never give him, Sam would be devastated that he'd lied to her about it.
And now she did know and she'd left him and he deserved it, he knew. But it didn't stop him from wanting to go to her. He had to find her to apologize and explain, assuming he could explain it to himself. He wasn't sure exactly what he would say to her when he found her, but he didn't want her to go on another day thinking the things she had told him in that letter were true because they weren't. He realized now, after eight days of little else to do but pace and think, that it wasn't her or them that he'd lost faith in. It was himself and he didn't know how or if he could ever get that faith back. If he couldn't, then maybe Sam and his son were better off without him but he wouldn't let her go, couldn't let things end the way they had which is why he'd started looking for her the minute he discovered she had gone.
He'd come home late that night to find the penthouse dark and way too quiet. He missed the letter on the desk at first, but when he'd gone upstairs expecting to find Sam asleep and found an empty bed instead he began to worry. He called her on her cell and that was when he realized he'd missed not one but two calls from her earlier that night. The first call he'd heard and actually ignored. He was still upset after their fight and had wanted a little more time to collect his thoughts before they talked again. The second call, her last call, he hadn't heard over the roar of his Harley. He'd taken off on a long ride to try and clear his head. The dial tone sounded in his ear and his heart dropped as he heard her ringer go off. He followed the sound to find her cell phone lying on the floor by the bed.
He quickly looked around for any signs of a struggle, searched the penthouse top to bottom and called his guards, but nothing seemed out of place. That was when he'd noticed the envelope on his desk. His heart and his world stopped when he read her message and he wasn't sure either would start again until he'd found her and put things right. He ran up the stairs, hardly wanting to believe any of it was true. She couldn't really be gone, but her empty dresser and a half empty closet proved him wrong. He remembered feeling weak, so weak his legs gave out from under him and he sat on the floor for only God knew how long just as he'd landed with his phone in one hand and her letter clutched in the other.
Spinelli wasn't home. He'd been hiding out at Kelly's Diner and his friend, Lulu's, home a lot lately to avoid the tension, but Jason had called him as soon as his daze wore off. He needed him working his cyber connections to find her. Jason had to find her. Even if she didn't want to be with him any longer, he just needed to find her and tell her what was in his heart. He kicked himself for waiting until now to do it. Now, when it was most likely too late to hold on. Now, when she had already chosen to let go.
In true Spinelli form the kid had shown up minutes later, tracking leads. He couldn't track her by her cell since she'd left it behind, but he started with building and traffic cameras around town to get a lead on the direction she'd headed. Jason worked the field based on Spinelli's intel. He tracked down the cab driver that had picked her up and learned she'd been dropped off at the Queen of Angels cemetery after a short stop at the local florist's. Jason had hoped beyond all hope that he would somehow find her there, asleep at their daughter's grave. Sam was nowhere to be found, but traces of her were. She'd left flowers. Danny and Lila's special flowers were at their graves, so he knew it had been her.
As he made his way through the park, looking for any sign of her, he ended up at the Elm Street Pier entrance on the opposite side from where he'd started and spotted Kelly's Diner across the street. Of course the diner had been closed up tight by the time he got there, but that hadn't stopped him from calling Mike to see if maybe she'd rented a room. Mike had only confirmed his worst nightmare. Sam had come to say goodbye to him on her way out of town. She didn't say how or where she was going, or if she ever planned to return. Mike didn't think she would be back any time soon and when he told him why, Jason knew Mike was right. Sam wouldn't ask anyone to visit Danny and Lila for her unless she planned to be gone a long while.
He'd apologized to Mike for waking him at such a late hour and then spent the rest of the night and early morning going to every single place in town he thought she might have stopped. He'd called his sister and Sam's cousin, but Emily nor Nikolas had seen Sam in days. Alexis was less than thrilled to hear from him at the crack of dawn, but when was she ever pleased to hear from him? She had more questions than answers, but he'd finally managed to get Alexis to tell him that she hadn't talked to her daughter in over a week.
Buses, planes, trains and rental cars had been a bust, but one of his men had called Jason with a lead down on the docks. A woman matching Sam's description had been spotted there late last night and, with Sam's history as a marine salvager, he knew it was quite possible she'd left by boat. He'd called Spin and had him refocus his search to every vessel leaving port within the previous 24 hours and had just been given a list Spinelli had narrowed down with three possibilities when Sonny called.
Spin had searched all available records in the harbormaster's system and found two freighters listing female crew aboard and one of the three marinas noted a private yacht as having successfully filled an available stewardess position before setting sail as well. Jason was on his way to his own boat to do... he didn't really know what yet when Sonny's urgent call stopped him. It was crazy now to picture just what the hell he would have done. Race up to a freighter and demand they let him board and search their vessel until he'd found Sam? Harbor Patrol and the Coast Guard would have loved that. It was a desperate attempt to stop what had already happened, he knew, but finding Sam and fixing what he'd broken was all he could think to do.
Until Sonny.
Sonny's love life was as complicated as ever and Jason had stopped trying to figure it out long ago. Truth be told, Jason had stopped doing a lot of things where Sonny's personal life was concerned every since Sonny had insisted on dating his little sister against his wishes. They'd made their peace after all the bad blood spilled between them, but the battle had inflicted irreparable damage. Perhaps the one good thing to come from Sonny's short affair with Emily was diagnosis and treatment of the bi-polar disorder he'd suffered in silence for years. Jason was able to turn the business back over to a now medicated and seemingly more level-headed Sonny and he was once again his loyal second, but he no longer cared to clean up his personal messes.
He still loved him. Sonny was family. He'd just given up trying to be his keeper, or anyone elses for that matter. Unless, that is, it effected business or Sonny's children directly which was unfortunately the case more often than not. So when Sonny called him that morning with an emergency that required his and Roscoe's expert attention, Jason's mind went straight into the mode of enforcer and protector. Expert was Sonny's reference to Jason's rating as a marksman and Roscoe was code for his sniper rifle. He turned away from the marina that instant and headed straight for Greystone Manor instead after stopping at his penthouse to pick up Roscoe.
Imagine Jason's surprise when he arrived, rifle case in hand, to find Sonny on his terrace and the 'emergency' turned out to be some hulking crate hovering on a cable below a helicopter. It turned out Kate Howard, some fashion editor Sonny was in some type of battle of the sexes with, had purchased the estate next door. They had been warring neighbors every since; each besting the other with one instigating antic more outrageous than the last. Carly insisted it was some twisted form of foreplay and Jason had begun to think she was right. That particular day, Sonny had ordered Jason to shoot the cable securing the crate because he'd given Ms. Howard a copy of an injunction days ago barring helicopters from flying over his property which was clearly being violated.
It was ridiculous, but Jason didn't have the time or inclination to argue. He made the shot on Sonny's order, sending the crate crashing through Kate's rooftop then packed up with the intention of getting the hell out of there as quick as possible and back to finding Sam. He hadn't even bothered to tell Sonny that Sam left because he didn't want to waste any more time. Unfortunately, Ms. Howard called the authorities and even more unfortunate for Mr. Morgan was the fact that the D.A.'s office had just decided the PCPD had enough evidence to issue a warrant for his arrest. When Lucky and two uniformed officers showed up at Sonny's, Jason had been cuffed by Detective Spencer, arrested for the murder of one Mr. Lorenzo Alcazar and read his rights.
At seeing Sonny's obvious distress Kate, or Sonny's ex Connie Falconeri, as Sonny had revealed to him just before the cops showed up, had been gracious enough to drop her complaint before enough facts had been revealed to cause Jason further trouble for unlawful discharge of a firearm and whatever other charges the law would come up with. Sonny had then informed Jason on his way out that he would call Diane down to the station before heading to the Metro Court. He had to get to his wife and do damage control before she marched down to the PCPD and made matters worse.
Sonny, of course, had never been able to distract Carly for long once her sights had been set. It was only a matter of time before she'd shown up at police headquarters demanding to see her best friend. She'd used her charms, connections and even resorted to bribes in order to sneak in and see him while Jason was being detained. She was up in arms and ready to blackmail Ric and the mayor to get the charges dropped or coerce her cousin and arresting officer, Lucky, into lying for him. It had taken nearly all of his remaining patience to talk her out of yet another crazy scheme. He'd finally convinced her to allow Diane to do her job, figuring he'd be released after 24 hours and all would be fine again. Well, as fine as anything could ever be without Sam.
It hadn't quite worked out that way.
There it was eight days later and he was still in lockup. He'd been processed and jailed until arraignment at which time Ric had convinced a judge to have him held without bail on the grounds of posing a high flight risk. Jason was beginning to wonder if he'd see the outside of a jail cell ever again. As much of a habit Ric made of being wrong, this time he'd been right. This time was different. This time he could actually go down for murder and the realization of what that would mean for the rest of his life weighed upon him heavily.
Jason Morgan had never been uncomfortable living a life of solitude. He'd thrived in it and embraced it most of his life, but things were different now. He'd changed since Sam came into his life, for the better, but those changes had made it harder for him to adapt to his new surroundings. It was too quiet. He missed her voice and her touch interrupting his thoughts at just the right moment and in just the right way. She always had a talent for knowing when he most needed to be pulled out of his own head.
As selfish as it was he needed that now, needed her, but he was left with only his doubts and mounting fears instead. He wasn't afraid for himself. He never had been, not since the accident that stole his life as the golden boy, but he was afraid of ruining the lives of the people he cared about. Which was why he held on to the knowledge that Spinelli was still hard at work tracking down Sam so that when, if, no when he was finally released he could go to her and begin repairing the damage that had been done.
He'd become so desperate for relief from the haunting thoughts of her that even visits from Sonny and Carly were now readily welcomed. Carly, in and of herself, was synonymous with the word headache, but she always delivered one heck of a distraction. In the first couple of days, her focus had been on getting him out of there and showing her support as his self-proclaimed best friend. She'd inquired about Sam in passing, but Jason had let her assumption stand that Sam was just too busy with her new career in show business to be there. He knew she'd find out eventually Sam had left, but he'd decided to buy as much time as possible before dealing with that quagmire.
Jason did confide Sam's leaving to Sonny, however, during his first visit because he couldn't communicate with Spin directly without giving the cops more cause to use the kid to get to him and needed Sonny to provide updates on Spinelli's search. He and Sonny had both agreed to keep Carly out of it as long as possible, neither caring to hear the rant it was sure to incur, but it turned out three days was as long as they could possibly keep it from her. She'd shown up at the penthouse one evening, unannounced, and demanded she wasn't leaving until she spoke to Sam about getting her priorities straight. Jason needed the support of everyone he loved, she'd insisted, and it was damn well time Sam step up.
Three minutes later Spinelli had crumbled and confessed all. Three hours later Jason was in interrogation, again, trying to disarm the ticking bomb that was Carly Corinthos before it went off. She was set to explode and couldn't believe the nerve of Sam to walk out on him after all he'd done for her. Jason had spent the last several days defending Sam's actions to both Carly and Sonny, but he hadn't told either of them of her real reason for leaving. He hadn't told them about Jake. No one was ever supposed to know and too many people knew already. Besides, Jason already knew what Carly would do and he didn't want her fighting a battle for his son that he felt was already lost.
As for Sonny, Jason just wasn't as comfortable sharing personal matters with him since the rift in their friendship over Emily. After Sonny's visit yesterday, though, another line had been crossed. Jason had argued with Sonny and expressed his disbelief, but he hadn't let on how deeply the older man's words actually affected him.
Sonny admitted that he'd gotten a little physical with Amelia Joffe behind his wife's back. Granted Carly and Sonny's most recent marriage had been entered into purely for convenience, but according to Sonny he was still madly in love with Carly and determined to make the marriage real. Apparently that 'determination' was only good for six months because that was about how long they'd been married before he'd started messing around with Sam's producer and engaging in some kind of love/hate flirtation with his ex, Connie aka Kate.
And yet, as maddening as Sonny's admission and total lack of shame had been, his next line of bull had been even harder to swallow. Sonny informed Jason that, during his tryst with Amelia, information had come to light. It turned out Amelia knew Sam long before she ever came to Port Charles and had come to town seeking revenge against her for the death of her father. Apparently, part of Sam's past included a con where she had married several wealthy men to scam them out of their money. One of those men, Amelia's father, had caught on to her before Sam could get away and had nearly beaten her to death before she shot him. The court had ruled his death an act of self-defense and all charges against Sam, then known under the alias of Angela Monroe, had been dropped. Sonny insisted Sam had tried the same scam on Jax and him and failed and was now after Jason.
Complete bullshit.
He knew better and Sonny should too, but he'd even gone so far in his arguments to suggest Sam tried to trap him by getting pregnant and when that failed she'd moved on to Jason. Jason stared at him wondering if his meds had stopped working or it was the lack of oxygen in Sonny's brain due to all the blood flowing straight to his dick that resulted in such fucked up thinking. Sam was the mother of his child and he'd witnessed her grief first hand when she lost that little girl. How could Sonny disregard all the good he knew of Sam over the word of a quick lay who hated her?
Jason had been pretty much disgusted with him at that point, but kept his stance neutral. He needed Sonny's resources to help follow up on leads for Sam while he was trapped inside. When Sonny had suggested maybe it was for the best that Sam had taken off and that she'd probably run because she somehow learned Amelia was on to her, Jason had clenched his fists under the table and fought to control his initial urge to punch something. He'd managed instead to present a logical argument he thought might work best with Sonny which was that he needed to find Sam to confront her either way. To further show his willingness to remain objective in hopes of maintaining Sonny's support, he'd also agreed to meet with Amelia and hear her out with the condition that Sonny continue to follow up on every lead for Sam that Spinelli turned up and report every finding back to him.
The meeting with Amelia two hours ago had confirmed three things for Jason. One, Sam had been living in a private hell for weeks before she left. Two, Amelia was a liar. And three, Sonny was a fool to believe her. Amelia was good, Jason had to admit. He'd sat there and watched as she freely admitted to her plan of public humiliation for Sam as some form of payback for killing her father. Jason bet Amelia Joffe would come off as fairly rational and maybe even justified to most people, but Jason wasn't most people.
Lives were held in the balance of his ability to read between the lines and see what lie hiding just below the surface. He realized now, after so much time considering his recent actions, that he'd somehow lost that edge. He hadn't read between the lines with Sam, or made the effort to look beneath the surface. He finally admitted to himself he hadn't wanted to because he was at a loss of how to handle what he might find, but he refused to turn a blind eye to Sam or anyone else ever again. He was determined to live the honest life he'd once lived, no matter how much it hurt and his edge was now sharper than ever thanks to having been surrounded by law enforcement for the past week. Cops and lawyers were always trying to trip him up. Not in any overt way that might violate his right to council and jeopardize their case, but through subtlety which had only been cause for even greater vigilance on his part.
This preparation, along with Sam's own final words to him, had made it all too easy to see right through Amelia's game from the moment she stepped into the small gray room with him. She spoke logically with a calm demeanor, her voice denoting just the right affect of indignation or sympathy when called for. Underneath, however, he could see the bitterness and rage she harbored against Sam. Amelia had dropped what she thought was a bomb on him, telling him Sam had known for weeks about Jake being his son. She had no idea Sam had already confessed that to him in her letter. Sam had also admitted to what she'd been up to in the weeks before she left, arranging situations that would allow Jason to finally admit the truth to her. He felt no anger toward Sam for that, though it was clear Amelia had wanted him to.
He retained an impassive expression, but couldn't help perking up when Amelia had mentioned hearing from Sam. She'd called her two days after she'd left town and then accepted Amelia's return calls twice on the days that followed before things became heated and Sam stopped taking her calls altogether. Amelia gave him the number and Jason hoped Spinelli could do something with it even though Amelia had told him it was no longer in service.
From what Jason could gather, Amelia was furious her plans to ruin Sam had failed when Sam had the nerve to walk away from the show. When her friendly appeal to return hadn't worked, Amelia resorted to threatening to sue for breach of contract. When Jason had asked how Sam responded to being threatened, he'd had to suppress a proud smile as Amelia quoted Sam as telling her "You'll have to find me first" before hanging up.
Amelia had then launched into her newest campaign to scramble for whatever was left of her rapidly deflating career. She intended to use the show's popularity to hunt Sam down for her. Amelia was prepared to release a very heartfelt appeal to the public for any information leading to the whereabouts of their missing and beloved host of Everyday Heroes, Sam McCall. She was convinced the media would gravitate to such a sensational story, turning it into international news overnight. Jason knew she was probably right which was why he had immediately shut her down.
While there was a part of him that was very tempted to resort to such measures if it might bring Sam home, an even bigger part of him knew Sam would resent having her hand forced that way and would resent him even more for any part he had in it. He wanted to find Sam, and he would, but not that way, not with all the world gawking and trivializing their private pain into some perverse form of entertainment. He'd had to threaten Amelia with exposure and losing whatever credibility she may have left with her current employer and prospective others after her show had failed, but he was satisfied that it had worked. He wouldn't allow Amelia to cause any more trouble for Sam. He just hoped Sam would find a way out of her contract without a problem.
In fact, he'd just been escorted back to his cell after discussing that very issue with his attorney. He'd asked Diane to look into it and, after balking about how his focus should be on his own legal predicament rather than his ex-fiancee's, she finally agreed to see what she could do. Acquiescing Sam was, after all, still covered under her services by his hefty retainer. He wondered if Sam's mom might be able to help too. Diane had said she would mention it to her friend and colleague the next time they spoke.
Jason laid on the lower bunk with one foot planted securely to the ground and the back of his wrist covering his eyes. At least he hadn't had to share a cell or been remanded to the state pen which was far more crowded, dangerous and noisy than the local jail. He should probably be thankful for small favors, but he wasn't. He was finding it hard to be thankful for much of anything at the moment.
He sighed deep at the squeaking hinges of the iron gate crying out for oil as it swung open. After dealing with Amelia, the D.A., his attorney, and the police commissioner that day he wasn't up for another visitor. He cringed at the thought of Elizabeth risking another visit. She'd already been by twice since he was brought in, offering moral support the first time and attempting to console him the second after she'd heard from Lucky that Sam had left him. He'd wondered how Lucky could have possibly known, but figured maybe he'd overheard Carly ranting and raving. He was sure Elizabeth had meant well after the first visit, but something about the second visit had left him with that uneasy feeling in his gut.
Maybe it was his guilt, but after losing Sam he just couldn't bare to look at Elizabeth anymore. Looking at her was like waving all the hurt he'd caused Sam right in his face. He couldn't stand it and he definitely couldn't bring himself to confide in another woman about it, especially Elizabeth. He'd realized in that visit just how unfaithful he'd been to Sam every time he shut her out only to allow Elizabeth in and he couldn't do it anymore. He wouldn't. Besides, it wasn't safe for L!z to have any connection to him if they intended to keep Jake's paternity a secret. He'd asked her to leave and not come back. She'd dried her eyes and begrudgingly agreed. Jason prayed she hadn't changed her mind. He didn't want to be harsh with her, but he'd promised himself he would stop turning a blind eye and living a lie and he couldn't deny the truth any longer. Elizabeth wanted more than friendship with him and that was just never going to happen.
"Tell whoever it is to go away." Jason groaned to the guard, never removing his hand from his tired eyes.
"You'd love it if it were that easy, wouldn't you Morgan? Just dismiss anyone that gets in your way as if they don't even matter? Well I'm afraid I can't help you there, or maybe I can. I just won't!"
Jason instantly recognized the man's voice and sat up to find one very pissed off detective staring him down on the other side of his cell.
"Maybe now isn't a good time, Lucky."
"Not a good time? Well, tell me Jason, when is a good time to confront the bastard who's destroyed your life? Huh? I say now's the perfect time and since I'm out here and you're in there, I guess this time what I say goes. This time we do things my way. NOT the almighty Jason Morgan way!" Lucky seethed.
Jason took a controlled breath, but remained silent. He didn't have a good feeling.
"What, not even bothering to deny you know exactly what I'm talking about? No excuses? No sob stories and fake tears and apologies like my wife gave me?" Lucky's jaw clenched as he shot daggers at Jason.
Jason was now convinced Lucky had finally learned the truth. He was relieved in a way, but he did feel for the man's pain and his part in it. Lucky Spencer may have triggered Elizabeth's actions that night by cheating on her, but he was still her husband and Jason had had no business sleeping with her.
"I was wrong and I'm sorry." He stated calmly, and he was sorry he'd hurt him. What more could he say?
"That's it? You take a man's family from him, sleep with his wife and knock her up, allow him to love that baby as his own knowing the whole time it's all a lie and all you've got is you were wrong and you're sorry? You know what? You're right. You are sorry. You're about the sorriest excuse for a man I've ever met and working this job I've met some real low life bastards, but you're the worst. I used to believe Emily when she said there was good in you, but whatever good there may have been you've managed to corrupt it along with every last one of any morals you ever had working for Sonny. You ruin everything and everyone you touch. You've ruined Elizabeth and destroyed Sam. Thank God she had the sense to walk away. I hope it isn't too late for her, but I know one thing Morgan. You sure as hell won't be ruining Jake's life. I don't care who's blood runs through his veins, you stay the hell away from my son!" Lucky warned with underlying threat clear in his stance.
"I have no intentions of claiming Jake. Elizabeth and I agreed he's safer that way." Jason admitted in an attempt to reassure him.
"Elizabeth and you." Lucky scoffed and shook his head. "As far as I'm concerned Elizabeth and you can both go straight to hell. And from where I'm standing, Morgan, it looks like you're halfway there already. I hope they lock you up and throw away the key. That way Jake will be free to live a safe and happy life without the constant threat of a pathetic thug like you for a father!"
Jason's jaw clenched. He held his breath and blinked his eyes unwilling to show how deep Lucky's words cut. Lucky walked back to the gate and turned just before leaving. "I hope Sam's last words to you stay with you and haunt you until your dying days. She loved you, Morgan, with everything she had just like I loved Elizabeth, but it still wasn't good enough for the almighty Morgan and sainted Elizabeth. What a crock! As much as it hurts, I know Sam and I are both just glad that we can finally see the truth. It wasn't me or her that weren't good enough. It was you and that lying bitch I call a wife!"
Jason took another deep breath. Lucky must have found Sam's letter in evidence and read it. Everything in him wanted to demand Lucky tell him what he'd done with Sam's letter. His letter, his last link to her until he could find her again, but he forced himself to remain silent and still. He would put Diane on it first thing. He couldn't risk anyone else, like Ric, getting their hands on it and using it against him or his son.
Lucky turned without another word and left him alone once again with only his thoughts of her for company. The most resounding thought of all now, how even more determined he was to find her and make up for all the pain he'd put her through. That thought, more than any other, made him realize Diane was right. He needed to focus on beating the charges so he was free to go to her once Spinelli found her, and Spinelli would find her. Jason may have lost faith in himself, but he held tightly to his faith in Diane and Spinelli and all the people who were trying to help him so he could get back to Sam. Because that faith was one of the only things he had left to hold on to. He just hoped by the time he finally saw her again, it wouldn't be too little too late.
Page 31 of 31 Created: 2011-08-03 Updated: 2016-05-27 Words: 11666 Characters: 61994