Disclaimer: Merlin has a lot of painfully cliché moments that wouldn't be in there if I actually owned it. Since there are a lot, I obviously make no money off this show.
A/N: I watched most of the Merlin episodes, then gorged myself on fanfics and noticed that there's a dearth of fics focusing on Uther. I found him a very interesting character, so I decided to give it a shot. Let's see how well that works out.
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Uther is not blind; he knows there's more to Arthur's manservant than meets the eye. There was after all no earthly way Arthur's luck could have stretched so far after meeting the boy if there wasn't some other explanation.
He hated magic on principle (Igraine dead and cold, never again to rise again and smile up at him), but he simply shoves his suspicions aside every time Arthur turns up alive again due to a string of abnormally "lucky" occurrences. He does not question, because he does not want to know. If he actually knew, if he actually had concrete proof, his own sense of honor would not permit him to betray the very principle that he had created for order to be restored in Camelot, and the boy would have to burn.
He's not sure if Arthur would ever forgive him for that.
They're closer than Uther would really like. It was fine that the boy was willing to give up his life for Arthur, but the reverse? Arthur is the Crown Prince; Uther cannot have his heir die for a servant, even one that had put his own life on the line multiple times for Arthur.
He doesn't really understand the boy. To begin with, if he was really a sorcerer (if, always if unless the idiot displayed his full power in front of the entire court) coming to Camelot was a sure indication of his stupidity. He never addressed Arthur with any of the deference that royalty demanded (and sometimes slipped up with other nobles as well. Not enough practice.), bickered with the prince all the time, and yet was always willing to save Arthur.
And instead of backhanding the boy or sending him to the stocks, his son simply laughed and bantered with the servant. It was frankly unacceptable behavior in royalty. The other visiting nobles had already begun to whisper about how lax Arthur seemed with his personal servants. But Arthur ignored it and went on acting as before.
Uther knows Arthur will make a great king, perhaps even a better king than himself, even with this weakness, and he is extremely proud of his son, but it wouldn't do to let Arthur rest on his laurels. So he's harsh, and he knows that occasionally he's cruel, but he really does feel that it's for the best. Kings are who the people turn to. Kings are who everyone relies on. Kings stand alone in the end.
Or perhaps that wouldn't be that way with Arthur? The servant was uncommonly close to him, and Uther has noticed that Arthur does rely on the boy quite often these days.
It has crossed his mind once or twice that magic-related attacks have increased dramatically as well ever since the boy arrived, but he can never decide if that's simply because Arthur has come of age or if the boy is to blame. But at the exact same time, if the boy hadn't been there Arthur would have been cold and dead many months ago.
Sometimes (when the wind howls outside his window, darkness swallows up the room, and his bed is unbearably cold and empty), he wonders if he had a choice between having Arthur or Igraine who he would pick. Igraine was (and will eternally remain) the love of his life, the only one who could make him laugh until his sides hurt, and he still feels as though he's missing a part of him after all these years without her. At the same time however, Arthur is his son, his heir, and all he has left of Igraine.
He remembers how even Nimueh (mad, insane, torn apart with rage, guilt, and despair) had picked up on the bitterness in his voice when he tore open the scabs of long-festering wounds of his wife's death. Perhaps Tristan was right when he had blamed him for Igraine's death. He had wanted a son so badly that he had waved aside all of Nimueh's warnings that the birth would be "difficult" and "potentially dangerous." As much as he blames her (and all those who think that this strange power should be used to pervert nature), he knows he also holds some of the blame.
But can he really regret the birth of his only prince, his only heir, his only son this much? He loves his son, but sometimes he can't help but to wonder if he loved Igraine more. He knows it's horrible if even Nimueh, mad and as far gone as she is (that spark of once happy glee now darkened into something much more sinister and full of malice) flinches from him when he implies it, but he can't stop his thoughts from turning there when it is so, so cold, and there is no one by his side.
Arthur must never know about any of this. Not how he was born, not who Nimueh once was, and not how conflicted Uther himself still is. The only other person that knows is Gaius (and Nimueh, but she's dead now), so it should be alright. But even the best-laid plans can go awry, as he well knows.
He hopes that Arthur will never have to make most of the choices he has been forced to make, but he can already sense that Arthur will have to make decisions that he personally had never had to face. Uther was lucky; he had been able to pick his queen. Arthur will not have that luxury, not with inheriting the throne instead of winning it through the path of clanging swords and dripping blood (even if he's sent Arthur on god knows how many battles). No, Arthur will need binding alliances, and the easiest way to do that is through marriage.
He wishes that Arthur will love his one-day wife with the same consuming passion that he had felt (still feels) for Igraine, but that is a fragile hope, made of gossamer thread that the harsh winds of reality can (and perhaps will) rend apart in one breath.
It is the same for Morgana. There will be a day he knows when he will be forced to give his ward away to a lord, but he will search as hard as he can to make sure that he picks one that will treat her well and not take offense at her sometimes infuriating spirit.
As for her strange dreams and sleeping problems, Uther will ignore them much as he does the servant boy's unnatural string of luck. He does not understand how Gaius can even fathom that he has not noticed the latent powers in his ward, but it is safer this way. How hypocritical would he look, demanding the execution of all the sorcerers he could root out, if he actually definitively knew that his own ward and his son's personal manservant were in possession of the same powers that terrified him?
So even though it scrapes against the grain of who he's become after his wife's death and the bonfires that had lit up the night sky with the tortured screams forever haunting his dreams, he feigns ignorance and always looks the other way. After all, he doesn't actually know; he just has a few suspicions (even if that had been enough for him to burn many others). Morgana is like a daughter to him, and the servant has done a fairly good job at keeping his son alive (if nothing else).
This is the only family he has left, and he will not permit them to burn.
And one day (soon perhaps), he will rejoin his beloved Igraine and leave behind a kingdom for Arthur to run. Arthur will become great (maybe even a legend his mind whispers to him), and perhaps then his constant fears will finally be put to rest.
Perhaps his son will manage to somehow unite Camelot and those unnatural forces, the way he never could.
Until then he will play his part as the ruthless, aging king in order to build Arthur's legend. He is perhaps as much of a pawn as all of them, but he does not care as long as Arthur is safe in the end and will rule.
Until then he will order the deaths of thousands in order to appease both his own rage and guilt.
Until then there will be no rest.
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A/N: …that was awfully drabbly, wasn't it? It's kind of like a stream-of-consciousness piece, what with it going off on all sorts of tangents. And I'm not sure if my take on Uther is entirely accurate…but I really don't see him as oblivious to what's happening under his own nose as he seems he is at certain points, and he does seem a bit tormented to me. And yes, there are slashy implications for Arthur/Merlin, because god knows that the show does it as well. Please review!