Jasper.

I'm sorry, Jasper. In case this matters to you, please be reassured I am at peace and I chose this for myself, and I know it's for the best. I'm calm as I write this. I'm in your glade and it's midnight, and it's just me and the wind and the trees all around and that's the problem, really, because you're not here and I miss you.

But thanks for being there for me when you were.

You were my eye of the storm, light at the end of the tunnel, sunshine after the rain. I'd live through my day just looking forward to meeting you when the sun went down and knowing I could be myself all through the night.

I've seen my last sundown. But there's no Jasper Jones to come home to, I've come to this cosy little place I think of as my home and you're not here. Home is where my heart is, and you hold my heart, so I guess I don't know where my home is. So I'm sitting here remembering how we used to be.

I guess we were the same in a way. Not just that we both had trashy family situations. But there was a deeper connection that made you choose me over all those other girls, that made me see through the lies surrounding you and find solace in your loving arms. That was a beautiful friendship that turned into love and dreams and our destiny. Remember our dream? To escape from here, to move to the city together. To run away from this mess of a town and start a new life with just the two of us so we can finally be happy and maybe even raise a small family.

Ha. It's not your seed inside me.

I don't want to tell you this way, I don't want to talk about it at all because I don't want it to be true but it is and instead of ramming my belly against a wall to kill this thing I'm going to ram my life against a wall to kill myself.

Jasper, where are you now?

I don't know. I don't know anything. You wouldn't leave without me, Jasper, I know you wouldn't. You love me like I love you. I know that much. I trust you, because you're a good person and you're nothing like what everyone thinks you are. But I haven't seen or heard you for two weeks now. Where are you? Are you alive? Dead?

I miss you.

I want to know where you are. Why you're there. Whether you left me, why you left me. Have you gone to the city without me? You'd never leave me, would you?

What if I died tonight? What if I hung myself in this calm little grove from the very rope we once used to swing into the dam? How will you feel then? Would you even cry for me? Would you miss me? Or would you not even remember that you ever knew me?

I'll miss you.

What if you think I'm better off dead?

I guess it's my fault. I waited. I let this happen. I should've told someone, told someone else when my mother didn't believe me. Amazing parenting right there, right? Maybe she didn't want to ruin our reputation. Maybe she didn't want to go against the shire president. Or maybe she's just plain blind and deaf and doesn't realise when he's banging me through the wall.

Maybe I should've called out. Then maybe it wouldn't have gotten this bad, maybe I wouldn't be sitting here writing this letter and maybe this broken heart will be whole again.

You made my heart whole, and you kept it that way while you were here. Nobody listened. Nobody cared. Nobody but you, Jasper, and now it feels like you don't care anymore so I don't either.

I tried my best to prevent this, but it might be time Eliza left her bubble of innocence.

That's why I couldn't leave. If I'd cried out and gone against him, what do you think he'd do to my sister? She's only thirteen. She doesn't deserve this and I tried to save her, but all heroes fall, right? Even the ones who just get beaten up all the time.

Only when you fall do you learn. When you fall, you get up and try harder, armed with what you've learnt until finally you fly. I can't say I haven't learnt anything from this. I can't be thankful for the lesson either. I learnt so much but I won't use it. I've had enough of trying. I've fallen enough to bruise and batter my bones and I'd rather just sleep. I'm tired. I can sleep now, right?

It's not your fault.

I trust you, I know deep inside you wouldn't leave my side on purpose. If you find me, I'm sorry. If not, I guess this apology is wasted but I'm sorry anyway. Thanks for the good times, but I've realized the only way to win this game is to not play.

I love you.

I'm glad I got to say goodnight. Remember, when you dropped me off at midnight and we kissed and I knew we'd never part? We parted. I didn't mean that to be a goodnight forever. I wish I could be there to say goodnight every night of our forever. But I never had expectations, so I could never be disappointed.

Good luck. Just remember you're a good person, it's just that the world has been cruel to you. You are amazing, I love you and all I want now is for you to embrace that and be the best you can be. Do it. For me.

And goodbye.

I love you.

Laura