"I know neither of us is ready for this, but I think you'll make a wonderful father," I choke. "We'll figure it out."
"How the fuck do you know!" He shouts, louder this time.
"Tell me how!"
His grey eyes burn, and so many emotions cross his face. It's fear that's most prominent.
"Oh fuck this!" Christian bellows dismissively and holds his hands up in a gesture of defeat. He turns on his heel and stalks towards the foyer... before he finds his jacket I find my courage.
"RED RED RED." My shrieks echoing around the room, he freezes before turning to face me.
"What?" He asks incredulously. I walk to him, he doesn't move.
"Please Christian, don't leave me. You need to listen to me right now. I am at least six weeks pregnant. We conceived on our honeymoon. This has nothing to do with me missing my shot. Please, talk to me." I plead.
"I CAN'T be a father." He shouts turning around glaring at me, it takes two to tango asshole I scornfully think.
"FUCK YOU GREY!" I bellow. This gets his attention, he faces me once more, seeing my face filled with anger, an anger I've never felt before in my life.
"You don't get to just walk away, there's a baby growing inside of me. One you fucking helped create, there's a piece of you inside of me and I'm not walking away from our child because I physically can't. I fucking stayed with you all this time, the one time I walked away I came back. Then we stood together and promised to stand together in good times and bad. This is bad, you don't get to just fucking walk away. Doctor Greene wanted to see how far along I am. I saw that little blip on the screen and heard that precious heartbeat and I fell in love. We have seven months to figure out if you want to walk away from me and OUR child permanently but that is a decision we will make together. You can't just fucking walk out when shit gets tough." I say my voice even, the dry anger stopping the tears.
"I CAN NOT BE A FATHER." He shouts enunciating every word carefully. He still makes me feel as though I'm talking to a brick wall.
"This is getting us no where. Why don't you call Flynn or be master of the universe in your office, I have some manuscripts to look through." I suggest, the silence is deafening and the colossal size of the aptly named great room is making the distance between us even more prominent.
"What's the point?" The mournful tone in his voice breaks my heart, I don't care if we're angry I need him. I close the gap between us holding him tightly resting my cheek against his muscular chest, my arms around his torso but also pinning his arms down so he can't reject me.
"The point is we love each other and we both love this baby." I whisper holding him tighter.
"I'm going to my office." He mutters unmoving, I stand back and watch him stride into his office slamming the door shut behind him.
I take my manuscripts and settle in the library, he needs time. So do I.
I'm in the gym downstairs with Taylor. Christian texts, After reading the same line seven times I put the manuscript down, cradling my flat stomach I go to our empty bedroom. I don't know how long I've been sat on the floor looking out at the Seattle skyline but I begin to speak to my baby, rubbing below my belly button.
"Daddy loves you little one, I promise. He loves both of us but he had a rough start in life and then some rough years literally when that pedophile whore got her fake claws into him things got worse. For someone who owns a salon he nails are terrible. That doesn't matter though little blip, you'll never have anything to do with her. Daddy needs some time, and we have months. I promise by the time you're born daddy will love you just as much as I do. He's a wonderful man your father. He loves you already, I think that's why he's so scared about you because he doesn't think he's worthy of something so pure. As intelligent as he is, your father can have his dim moments. He loves you though." I'm convincing myself more than the little blip snuggled in my womb.
"I can't be a good father, I caned women who look like my dead mother, I have no clue who my biological father is for all I know it's the pimp who would put out his cigarettes on me. I had plans for us, I was going to take you across the globe show you every beautiful place in the world, the wonders of the world, taking pride in knowing that nothing on this earth is as beautiful and wonderful as you. I wanted your world to begin and end with me. Now those dreams are crashing down around me." He explains his voice catching at the end.
"Pass me my iPad." I say, he stills confused for a moment before reaching across the bed and picking it up wordlessly handing it to me. "Sit here." I say patting the floor next to me we lean back using the bed to support our backs. I open the iPad heading straight for emails, I find the one from Dr Greene.
"If anyone told you six months ago that you would be sat here with your wife you'd have them in the psych ward. Now you're a better husband than anyone I've ever read about in books, or what my imagination could come up with. And you're still improving, we can do this." I plead taking his hand, he kisses the top of my head.
"Come here, lie down .." I begin
"If we're going to lie down, why don't we lie on the bed?" Christian suggests. We lay down together on our sides facing each other. I take his hand rolling onto my back pulling him so he's laying with his head on my breast I set up the iPad with my right hand, my left stroking his back soothingly. After fumbling slightly I manage to get the video Dr Greene emailed me to play, the sound echoing around the cold silent room.
Thump thump thump thump thump
"That's our baby's heartbeat and right there the little blip is our baby. He or she has some growing to do yet." I explain feeling his tears soak my top, I close the iPad when the video ends putting it on the bedside table so I can hold Christian in both arms, his mournful sobs break my heart.
"Let it out sweetheart." I coo kissing his head, rubbing his arm. He needs this moment, he's held on to so much pain that now he has no choice but to face it head on. As he begins to hyperventilate I begin to silently cry with him unable to stem the heartbreak.
"Don't cry for me, Anastasia." He manages to say sniffing, he looks up at me his eyes red, face blotchy and covered in a mix of snot, sweat and tears. He's still beautiful.
"I'll always cry for you, Christian. I'm your wife my job is to protect you, hold you, love you and cry with you. Your pain is my pain. That's the deal. You have so much anguish inside you and you need to let it out. I'll always be here to hold you. Just like when I need it, you're there for me." I explain leaning down to kiss his lips softly.
"But the baby will have to come first, you won't always be there for me, I'll mess them up, they will hate me, I won't have any idea what to do, we won't have sex anymore." He worries looking down shamefully, I sigh deeply before beginning.
"The baby will come first but that does not mean that I will stop being there for you, I can not imagine a time in my life where I don't want to have sex with you, no one has any idea what to do at this stage we'll get there. We'll never be perfect, yes we may mess them up slightly but everyone is varying degrees of messed up. I had nightmares for years after the time Ray lost me at Costco when I was a kid." I confess with a smile, I can look back and laugh now.
"I'm still scared." He mumbles his voice small.
"Me too. Why don't instead of seeing Flynn tomorrow you speak to your dad?" I suggest.
"Why?" He asks confused.
"Because he's your father, he loves you and maybe this is a time when you need him."
"He's probably busy."
"He may be, but it's worth asking. I can't force you to do anything, but maybe speaking to the man who chose to be your father and loves you unconditionally will help put things in perspective."
"Okay." He whispers.
"It will be okay Christian, I promise." I vow.