Author's Note: Honestly I wrote most of this in two of my lectures while zoning out in a rare spark of inspiration. I wish I wasn't such a bad student sometimes, but that's what expensive text books are for.
Holy crap who doesn't like Thomas? Seriously one of my favorite people of all time. One episode was not enough to have of this guy. And Fucking Craig is so hilarious throughout the whole episode. I hope this makes him so happy. This fic won't make a lick of sense to you if you have not watched Le Petite Tourette's. It's probably my favorite episode. Although that is so hard to choose. Well anyway, it's super hard to write about non main characters. I made up a ton of shit, and I know this is all fiction but it was kind of hard for me.
I'm not sure how long this would be, honestly I have a few chapters planned, and I got the ending down. Just filling the rest in depends on how much fun I think it will be to write about these two, and how much interest there is for me to continue. I rated it M because I'm probably overestimating my ability to be profane and obscene, but I'll try my damndest.
Also I might not sound like a little boy because I've never been one but I can't dumb it down enough so either Craig happens to be an intelligent observant 9 year old, or we can accept that I fail at life.
Craig
I'm sitting outside the councilor's office waiting for longer than I think is necessary, I mean my education is flowing through my fingertips as we speak. I am stuck out here waiting for this stupid fucker to come out and tell me the same shit he tells me almost every day. Has this really become my routine?
My dad keeps asking me if I'm just trying to skip class, which I can't stand to sit through anyway. My teacher doesn't even touch on what we are supposed to be learning about, according to my text book. So since I can't pay attention and I disrupt class by pointing out what a stupid idiot he is all the time, I get sent here. I could actually catch up on my schoolwork here, or in the study hall period they send me to after, or the detention I go to after that. But summer school is easy and I'm in it every year anyway, but I pass despite what my parents tell me.
The only reason I'm trying to pass at all this year is because the thought of being in Mr. Garrison's class ever again is like a death sentence. So even though I don't mind summer school so much, I have been finishing my homework, and I'm so going to pass this year anyway.
I zone out here, I sometimes sleep when they make me wait this long. Every time the secretary walks by I flip her off and she glares at me. She'll call mom again by the end of the day, but if she tries to talk to me I will call her a bitch. Because she actually is a bitch and she purposefully helps them keep me sitting here all day.
I don't get to doze off today because someone is suddenly sitting next to me.
"Hey Craig." I hear a muffled voice say.
"Hey Kenny." I guess because my head is leaned back and I'm staring at the ceiling tiles.
Kenny is the only kid I know who you can barely understand, he mumbles like crazy. He never really talks so much either, but I consider him a friend. I like Kenny, he's a poor bastard but he's pretty cool. I can actually stand to be around him, unlike his stupid friends.
I guess Kenny is only so cool to me because he's not Stan or Kyle or that racist fuck Cartman. I hate those guys.
"Whatcha in for?" I ask curiously. Kenny gets sent to the office occasionally, but it's usually because of something one of his uppity friends does. Sometimes it's because he has something in class that he shouldn't, I saw him play his Gameboy for two weeks straight before Mr. Garrison caught him. He said he had beaten it twice.
"I had an art magazine that just wasn't appreciated." I hear him mumble.
"Yeah? MAX or Playboy this time?" he's so predictable. He reads sometimes during class, but his usual book is a porno mag.
"Neither, I got a new one. You ever hear of a suicide girl?" he asks and I shake my head turning his way.
"What's that?" I ask. I hope it's not gross, like a bunch of dead chicks. Kenny laughs at my face and digs through his backpack.
"I got three, look." He shows me the magazine he buried. Funny guy, I always thought he'd have back -ups on hand.
The cover has a naked girl with pierced nipples standing over the brand of magazine, I can't read it. She has tons of tattoos, even one above her eye but she's totally hot. I can see the appeal, her hair is blue and it's in a Mohawk and I've never seen a punk chick posing like a playboy model. But it's not really my taste, I don't read those things anyway.
"Sweet huh?" Kenny asks me and I nod my approval.
"My dad had this in his top drawer, must be branching out." He comments and I laugh at him. He always steals his alcoholic father's shit. Gets away with it too, claims the old bastard isn't using them anyway.
I'm not sure what in all you do staring at a magazine like that, I've got a pretty good idea about these kinds of things but I'm not really interested yet. Maybe I should be, I mean naked chicks right?
I've been in the principle office for that kind of "contraband" before, stole a mag from the convenience store once. I just like to shoplift sometimes though and I didn't look through it but once.
I zone out thinking and I think Kenny is reading one of the magazines he just showed me, kid's got balls given that Mackey will walk out here at any moment.
I kind of start thinking about this thing I wanted to do, I kind of want to hang out with this kid I met. And it's random for me but I keep thinking about this, I mean most people you meet only one time you end up forgetting about. It's been months but I still really want to go hang out with him. He's just so cool. I don't know how to do it though, just walk up to the door and say "hey man, don't really know if you remember me but let's hang out."
Yeah right.
"Kenny?" I ask seeing if he will perk up from his perversion to talk to me.
"Yeah?" I hear him say. He puts down the thing he was reading turning to me. I guess he can tell from my tone that it's important.
"If some guy you met, like one time, came up and asked for you to hang out would you do it?" I ask lamely.
"Uh huh." He says and I look at him to see that he's serious.
"Why?" I ask and he shrugs.
"Why not? I just like to hang out with people and if someone wants to go have fun I'm game." He mumbles and I nod in agreement. Yeah why wouldn't you? Unless you don't like that person.
I'm silent for a bit and I know he's still looking at me but I don't really mind.
"So did you want to hang out with me sometime?" he laughs and I shake my head.
Oh wait, no I wouldn't mind that actually. I just meant that I wasn't talking about him. I sigh to clear my head and clarify for him.
Mackey finally opens the door and calls my name and I'm momentarily distracted from telling him what I meant.
I turn around in the doorway stopping Mackey from closing the door.
"Kenny, I mean yeah let's hang sometime. I was just talking about someone else though.
I don't hang out with Kenny, not for a few weeks anyway. But I decide I'm going to that guy's house. And on Saturday I ride my bike to the bus stop that goes the eight miles from South Park to North Park. I wonder if I'm a stalker or something I got his address and number from Kyle, who got it from a meeting they both had to attend together. I didn't want to ask Kyle, I don't like that know it all. And he kept asking me why, but I told him it was important and kept flipping him off when he badgered me about it. I guess he didn't care all that much because he gave it to me anyway.
I'm on the front step to Thomas's house, Thomas who I don't even have a last name for. The last time I saw the kid was at the television studio and it was only for a moment. He's got to be an interesting guy, I can tell. And I just want to hang out with him, I couldn't even say why.
But like Kenny says, why not?
I ring his door bell and wait. I think about what I'm going to say and I might sound stupid, I'm sure I'll sound stupid. This is so random.
His mother answers the door, she's blonde and older but kind of pretty in a too skinny old kind of way. She's wearing make-up and nice clothes and I wonder what she does for a living.
"Oh hello there, can I help you? I bought popcorn from the Elm elementary school kids a few weeks ago." She says and I'm confused.
"What?" I ask rudely.
"Boy scouts right?" she looks me over then seems to think that she's mistaken, I'm not wearing a uniform.
"No." I say and she stares at me.
"Sorry, do you need something little boy?" she asks and I glare at her.
I hate when people act condescending to me.
"Is this Thomas's house?" I try as politely as possible. I do want her to let me in, so I should be nice. I need to stop getting frustrated so easily, it's not good for me.
"Uhhh yes, yes it is. And you are?" she asks skeptically.
"I'm a friend of his, my name is Craig." I declare far too confidently. It's not really the truth but I want her to think I'm a nice guy, or at least familiar with her son. I definitely don't need her thinking that I'm some random stranger who can't stop thinking about how cool it would be to hang out with her son.
She seems surprised and I wonder why.
"Yeah hold on a second, I'll go get him for you." She says and I hear her go upstairs and call for him. She doesn't call me a friend, she just refers to me as some kid and I hope that's not all I am. I want to be his friend.
"Ah shit." I hear him say as he comes down the stairs. It's his tick, I can tell by the way it came out. His mom's in the other room and he just swore in front of her. Wow.
"Uhhh." He says to me and he just stares. The door is only slightly open and all I can really see is his face and shoulders sticking out. He seems honestly surprised by my appearance.
"Hi" I say and I can tell he's trying to place me.
"Hi." He says back and I watch him stare at me. I should probably say something now.
"Yeah, umm, my name is Craig. I met you at the television studio a few months back. You want to hang out?" I almost rush through to say. I look down at the ground, because that's a lot safer than looking at his reaction.
"Fuck cock." He says and I look up at him. That makes me smile, it's his tick again.
"I'm sorry." He says and I shake my head, he really doesn't need to apologize.
"That's okay." I decide to say. Better than "That's really awesome" because I heard he doesn't appreciate other people thinking his Tourette's is cool. That's what Kyle mentioned once.
"Hang out?" he asks and I watch him thinking it over. He thinks I'm strange. Yeah this is strange, but I stare at him as if it were the most normal thing in the world.
"Yes hang out. Like are you busy today?" I ask him.
He's thinking, his eyes go up like he's trying to see his own eyebrow and then he twitches again and swears softly. "Sh-Shit."
"I'm not busy today." He answers me. I can't tell if that's a yes or not. I shift slightly waiting for him and he opens the door.
"Okay, cool. We can get to it then." I say and he really seems to think I'm an alien or something. I walk inside and he looks around like he doesn't know what to do.
"So where is it?" I ask and he looks confused.
"Where is what?" he asks back.
"Your room?" I state as if it's obvious. That's where people usually go to hang out.
"Upstairs." He says and I head that way without him. I'm pretty sure he has no clue what to do with me. Guess I can take the lead here. He did say we could hang out so it should be fine.
I wait by his bedroom door because it's closed but he's close behind me, probably scared by the stranger who's come into his home. I wait for him to open the door and we both go inside.
"So what do you want to do?" he asks me and I shrug. I don't really care.
"Cocksucker ass bitch" he says and I smile trying not to giggle. I don't want him to think I'm laughing at him, because I'm not. I just think swearing is funny.
I stand looking around, truly interested in what this guy has in his room. It's cluttered and there are a lot of things on his wall. Like art work or sketches, I don't think they're even his. Some things are magazine clippings but a lot of it seems to have been printed from his computer. I don't know much about art but it's a lot of nature shots I guess.
He has a poster of a band that I don't recognize off hand, but they're all guys and they look kind of punk I guess. I'm not good with fashion either. His floor is clear but he has a lot of things placed about, a stool and a desk and a bean bag chair and a regular chair. And scarves hanging on a wall and a little bookshelf. I've never seen so much packed into a kids room, even Cartman doesn't have this much stuff. He just has toys but I can tell Thomas only has electronic like things, not baby dolls or stuffed animals. The top of his room is lined with one long shelf all the way across and it has a million little action figures on it. Like the comic book kind and little toy ones I think. I don't know much about that either. I don't really have hobbies or collections of stuff.
This room is cool, it's a cooler room than mine. I just let my mom buy me stuff and I have a bunch of toys laying around.
I could always offer to do what I said back at the station. I look for his laundry hamper and walk over to it.
"So should we get started?" I ask and he stares at me like he's been doing, like I'm a freak show and he didn't pay a ticket for it.
"What are you doing?" he asks me.
"Laundry, we can just hang and do that I guess." I say calmly. I feel like an idiot.
"Shit." His tick goes off again.
"Umm, yeah okay. But we have to take it to the laundry mat. We don't have a washing machine" He says to me and I'm the one to stare at him now.
"And mom usually-fuck shit- agh. She usually does it." He says. He's blushing, probably from the swearing.
"Oh, so you don't want to?" I ask. I wonder where the laundry mat is, it might be fun to go outside and walk. At least that's hanging out without talking, because I really don't know what to talk about.
"No, we could walk I guess." He shrugs and I nod at him.
I pick up the hamper, which is light and he grabs a coat and hat and mittens, like every other kid in Colorado he gets his gear on before adventuring the winter wonderland.
"Mom, fuck." He stops and calls down again. "We're going to go for a walk, be back later." He says and she comes into the hallway to say goodbye to us.
"See you soon sweetie, have fun." Her smile beams at me and I think she's happy he has a friend over. My parents usually get pissed when my friends come around.
"See you." I say politely, I'm going to work on my parent relations; it could help me out one day.
We walk in almost silence the whole way, he twitches kind of like my friend Tweek when his Tourette's goes off, and I listen to him swear randomly as we go into downtown North Park.
Before we get to the laundry mat, which is just outside his neighborhood and across the street, he stops and looks at me skeptically.
"So I met you at a television station and you came all the way here to hang out with me?" he asks and I nod at him like it's just that simple.
"And now you want to do my laundry?" he asks me and I kind of slump. I look at the gravel because it's easier than looking at him right now.
"Yes because I kind of said I'd do it for you when we met and it's a good way to hang out." I say.
It totally isn't, I don't think most boys my age know how to do laundry. It just happens to be the chore mom assigned to me, as soon as I was old enough to do chores. I do our laundry and my sister does the dishes and my dad takes out the trash. It's just the way we do things.
He nods at me when I look up and walks in front of me to open the door to the Laundry mat. It's tiny, and super old and very bright with those awful lights they use in our school too. But these lights flicker a bit. There's an Asian woman reading a book at the desk and she doesn't bother to look at us when she hears us come in. I go to a machine and reach in my pocket for the change I keep there. I put in a few quarters and start the wash, buying some laundry detergent from the vending machine. He sorts his clothes and piles them into the washers that I started and we sit down.
"So, you like to do laundry." He says and I nod because I really don't mind it.
"What do you like to do?" I offer, a conversation would be really good right now. I'm never the one to start them but I should in this instance or he'll hate me.
"Asshole." He says and I look up at him smiling. He avoids my eyes embarrassed again and I want to laugh at him.
"I like action figures, and ummm video games." He says and I nod. Those are cool things I guess.
"Yeah I have a Nintendo DS and I just started playing Metroid prime. It's sweet." I say and he nods.
"I played that one. I didn't know that robot guy was a chick the whole time." He says and I laugh.
"I played smash brothers before I bought that game so I recognized her, you can unlock the zero suit and see her without the armor on. It's cool."
"Oh, I want to play that. Sounds fun."
Well that was a great conversation. And now it's totally dead and we're staring at each other like retards. I have no clue what to do, maybe Thomas doesn't talk to other kids much.
"Fuck ass." He says and I laugh. The Asian lady sits up and looks over at him and he covers his mouth.
I look around, never been up to this part of North Park before. I see straight across the street there's a smoothie shop, even though our rural mountain towns are both full of hicks. Somehow these little businesses keep popping up, and North Park is slightly bigger I guess so maybe the business is doing pretty well. I still don't think mountain people like fruit stand so much.
Well that's something at least, I could use something to drink anyway. When in doubt, go out to eat, my father always says. He's referring to dates but it's true for most things, people like food. It's a given.
I jump up and he watches me a bit startled.
"So, you want to get a smoothie or what?" I ask and he stares across the street.
"What about my laundry Craig?" he asks and I look over to the Asian lady sitting by the desk.
"She'll make sure no one steals your clothes. Hang on." I say and I walk straight to her.
I smile, working on being polite is hard for me but I have this much experience down. "So my friend and I are going to the smoothie shop across the street, mind watching our machines till we come back?" I ask.
"Sure, whatever kid." She says through a thick accent.
"Sh-shit" I hear from across the room. Her eyebrows raise and I smile widely. So cool.
"Okay let's go." I say and without any argument Thomas follows me. Tweek would have freaked if I just left his stuff in a place, I can hear him freaking out now. I know they're not the same but I'm just comparing. I'm kind of glad Thomas is calmer than that. He seems a bit nervous sometimes, but maybe he's just embarrassed.
I open the door to the smoothie shop and notice there's a lot more people in here than I thought. The line is pretty long and there are a few people sitting in booths throughout the building. It's super bright, like each section of tables is its own fruit. It's a rainbow.
"Wow, I've never been to a place like this." I say and Thomas looks surprised at me.
"Oh? We go here all the time, well my mom does she gets me my drinks though." He says.
I look over the menu, it looks simple enough. I hate complicated menus. I can pick three fruits and they'll blend them up.
"What's good? What do you always get?" I ask and he looks the menu over.
"I get the yogurt one with Strawberries, raspberries and blueberries." He says.
"Sounds delicious." I say.
The lady in front of me is ordering and she's got her kids in front of her taking for freaking ever. I hate kids, they always waffle around.
I am a kid, but I am in the fourth grade and I do know how to order something. I'm not stupid you know.
"Cocksucker." I hear from beside me. Thomas's tick is strange, I wonder how it really works. His words kind of change between just a few. I might ask him about it some time.
The woman in front of me turns around and glares at both of us.
"Sorry mam." Thomas says and he looks so ashamed I want to hit him. Dude If I were swearing and a woman glared at me I would just flip her off. And I know he can't help it so I feel like telling her.
"I'm so thirsty, I can't wait." I say instead and Thomas looks over at me.
"Could you maybe get my drink please?" he asks me and I stare at him.
"Why? You're right here." I ask and he looks down embarrassed again. I don't get it.
"Fuck. F-fuck." He says and he covers his mouth.
"Excuse me young man but you need to watch you language. Where is your mother?" the woman in front of us asks.
"I'm sorry." Thomas says and she moves towards him, blocking me from moving to the counter to order our drinks.
"Sorry? That's naughty language young man and she should wash your mouth out with soap." This bitch nearly yells.
"I-I'm so sorry." He says and I feel myself getting aggravated.
"Listen lady, he has Tourette's syndrome, he can't help it. And you're making him feel bad so leave us alone." I say harshly.
Both of them look over at me and she stares between the two of us like she thinks I'm lying.
"Fuck ass. Cock." He says nervously and covers his mouth again.
"I can't believe you guys think this is a game, we are in a public place." She says and I roll my eyes at her.
This whole restaurant has stopped what they were doing to stare at us; I can hear the silence as they wait to see some kind of scene. It's not going to happen; I'm not into drama.
"Whatever lady, move out of my way." I say. She refuses and I push past her.
"Craig, we should go." I hear Thomas say but I ignore him. I want my damn smoothie.
"The nerve of you little bastards." She says exasperated but I refuse to talk anymore to her. She's an annoying bitch.
"Can I have two drinks? The large size please." I say and the teenage boy at the counter eyes me like I'm going to pull out a gun and rob him. I'm not that scary, really. I'm just a nine year old boy who swears a lot.
"What kind?" he asks, and despite his clear aversion to me being here he still sounds kind of bored.
I give him Thomas's order first then order my own drink and I make it snappy because that ladies kids pissed me off earlier taking forever. I ask for extra whipped cream, because it's my favorite part. The guy rolls his eyes at me so I don't bother to tip him. My mother always tips people who make her drinks, she also calls them some stupid name brastas or something. She's kind of dumb though, and besides this guy has no skills at talking with people. I might be a kid but I am a paying customer.
I hear the door open and close and the little bell rings out in the shop. I turn around and see that Thomas is outside sitting down on the sidewalk with his legs stretched out on the road.
"Here you go kid." The guy at the counter tells me. I grab the two drinks with both hands pushing them against each other to keep them stable.
I really wonder why Thomas is outside, actually I'd think that since his mom comes here so often the people might know him, you know. But Thomas did say she always grabs the drinks, maybe he never comes inside.
I walk outside and sit down next to him without him bothering to look at me.
"Here you go." I say handing him the drink.
"Thanks Craig." He says and I take a long sip of my smoothie, holy crap that's good.
"What are you doing sitting out here anyway?" I ask and he shakes his head.
"I shouldn't have went in there, its public." He says and I must be making a crazy face because he almost laughs at me.
"Why? Dude you can go wherever you want. It's a free country right?" I say and he shakes his head at me.
"Mom's and kids don't like hearing my Tourette's. It bothers them." He says and I do laugh at him. For the first time ever. I can't believe he's worried about something like that.
He looks confused at me, but I can't stop.
"Dude did you see her face, it was priceless." I say but he just shifts a bit away from me.
"It's not funny." He insists and now I'm laughing really hard.
"It is, because you said fuck ass cock straight to her face." I say and I kind of like the sound of that.
"Sh-shit." His tick goes off but he punches me in the arm to get me to stop giggling.
"Shut up." He says.
Hmm, he doesn't sound so mad I think to myself.
"She deserved it anyway, don't worry Thomas she'll live." I reassure him when he still hasn't drunken a bit of the smoothie I handed him.
"She- I mean her kids probably shouldn't hear stuff like that." He says.
I roll my eyes at him and he gasps in surprise, probably because I don't really care what her kids think or hear. I mean I've been hearing worse than that since I was in kindergarten. My father has a mouth like a sailor though so that's probably where I get it from.
"They'll hear it all eventually. And like I said in there, you can't help it right. So don't worry so much." I say and my butt is so cold right now that I have to stand up. I don't know how Thomas is even standing it, he's been out here longer.
We walk back to the laundry mat and I find the lone television set in the corner of the room, straight across from Thomas's machine. We watch the middle and end of some cartoon film, I have no clue what it was, my parents aren't into watching kids movies. Thomas knows it and he sits happily watching it. There's this mouse and some farm and I think a rat or something. She has a bunch of kids and there's an annoying raven. I change out his laundry from the washer to the dryer and we remember that we didn't bring a basket so we head back to his house, asking the lady to babysit his laundry again.
Thomas grabs the basket and some toys from his room and when we both get back to the laundry mat the movie is over and we sit and play with the little figurines he's collected.
He's a lot of fun, and I notice the more we play the less he seems to have his Tourette's. It's there, I know but I wonder if maybe nerves make it worse. I should really look this up. Because now that Thomas is playing with me he doesn't seem so on edge, and we end up having a lot of fun. I enjoy playing games, even though I know I'm getting kind of old for it.
I played with Clyde once and he gets really creative, I could hardly follow his story line. His mom came in and told me he's always like that, Clyde has a good imagination I guess. He can play with a cardboard box. I never had much of an imagination I guess, I like to copy things I've seen in movies but I'm not good at coming up with my own stuff.
I'm sure I don't like it so much because I've been in a class with that one group I mentioned earlier, the kids Kenny hangs out with. Those guys are always going off and doing things and having adventures that get them into trouble. I wouldn't ever want to be part of that.
Maybe I'm a boring guy. I don't know.
Thomas isn't over the top, but he's good at keeping things going. He tells me that he never plays with anyone else, and I think that's why he can come up with something to do.
He's also brought a coloring book, I didn't notice it until he pulled it out of the basket with a pack of crayons. Now he's sitting on the floor coloring in Spiderman verses the Green Goblin and I'm sitting on a bench with a pile of fresh clothes.
I love that smell, more than anything that smell really gets me. It's like heaven, having a warm shirt or sheet in your hands with the smell of detergent on it. I don't know what kind I bought but it smells like lavender, my mom always buys fresh mountain scent, which is kind of lame because I live in the freaking mountains and it doesn't smell anything like cow paddies and snow.
"Snow smells funny you know." I suddenly say out loud. We've been silent for a while now, since he started coloring I guess.
"Stupid shit." I hear and I watch as Thomas tries to concentrate enough to respond.
"It does, kind of stings your nose too." He says.
Oh good, I don't feel completely retarded now. I think most people don't know snow has a smell, but it does. You have to get a good pouring of flurries to catch the scent but he's right, it does sting.
"It doesn't smell anything like mountain fresh scent." I think aloud again and he turns to me.
"What's that?" he asks and I pause in folding a pair of his pants.
"Like the laundry smell or air freshener scents they sell in Walmart. It's always mountain fresh and cinnamon and vanilla or lavender. But my mom buys that one and it never stings your nose or just smells cold. Weird. It doesn't smell like mountains or trees or anything. It just smells like cleaning stuff." I put the stack of clothes in the basket sitting at my feet and realize I have nothing else to fold. We're finished already.
"You done?" he asks me and he starts gathering the toys he brought with him earlier. I nod picking up the basket with both hands. He jumps ahead of me and grabs the door, holding it open while I walk through.
"Ass Tits." He says loudly.
The woman at the desk sits up and shakes her head at both of us.
"Ahh, I hate this." He says almost to himself as we walk back home.
I think he hates his disorder, he looks kind of down. Back in the laundry mat that lady barely flinched when his tick went off. Maybe the movie was drowning it out. That last one was pretty loud though.
If I could tell the lady at the laundry mat ass tits to her face, it would make me so happy. I think I'm smiling all the way back to his house. He really is an interesting person to be around. I am so doing this again.