Twelve years old. Not even reached her average age, and she'd died in my arms; I'd felt her twitch and then breathe her last breath. Her dark hair was lined with her own crimson liquid, mixed with my waterfall of tears. How could this happen to her? It wasn't her time! Just the mere thought of a life without her in it brought yet another cascade of tears for my disposal.
"Ah, excuse me?" said the incoherent voice of man unnoticed.
With a slight nod of my head I acknowledged his unsaid request: It was time to let her go; Time to relinquish her undying loyalty, her accompanying sense of home and belonging, her security, and her constant reminder of her affection.
~~~**~~~
His kisses turned more rushed and heated. They became needier. It was as if I was a treasured possession he'd been searching for, for millennia. It just wasn't him. His hands were everywhere; there wasn't a spot I could feel that wasn't heated by his hands. But I couldn't do this, not tonight. His lips were at my neck and I couldn't stand it.
"Stop." I said, not meaning to put a large dose of annoyance and irritation in my voice.
He looked up, his bright blue eyes filled with disappointment and guilt. I was such a bitch to do this to him. When did he ever ask me for anything? He was perfect and here I was denying him.
"I'm sorry," he said, stepping away, "You don't want this...?"
That wasn't it at all. I wanted it more than anything. I wanted to be able to give him whatever I could in this crazed, uncertain life of mine; a life where he was my unwavering source of certainty.
It wasn't as if I didn't like it, but I knew I'd forgotten something vital.
My body felt cold all of a sudden, its organs seeming to shut down all at once as if it was missing a vital cog in the machinery. I was missing part of my heart.
I'd forgotten something so close to my heart, something that I had never forgotten before. Her anniversary.
"No. That's not it." I had mumbled. I couldn't even bare to hear myself talk. "I ... I just can't."
And as quick as that, my body shut itself off from the world. I was no longer controlling any part of my body. I had now become a complete blubbering mess on my bedroom floor.
"Babe, what's wrong?"
I couldn't speak.
"I'm sorry." He stated. "What did I do?
Once more, silence.
"Talk to me Krisztina. I need you to talk to me!"
Only then did I seem to grasp some distorted view of how long my breakdown had lasted. And still he was by my side talking to me, trying to comfort me for some reason unfathomable to him.
I clung to him, I held to him for dear life as I tried to steady my uneven breaths.
"She..." hiccup, "the car was just... to fast" sniff, "I couldn't save her!"
For the second time I was silent again. I knew that if I spoke I would once again fail to control myself. I looked up to him, his concern stunned me into blabbering one of my most painful memories that he had not dare pursue. He knew something's had the right moment of working their way out.
He now knew the reason I was completely against the idea of us owning a pet dog. I couldn't betray her like that. She was the only dog I would ever love like that and no one would replace her.
Her death had left a permanent gouge in my heart that I overlooked and forgot about. I figured that if I forgot, it would heal itself. How wrong I was.
"The driver was texting and I was taking her for a walk," I had begun, "we had almost finished crossing the street, but the car would have hit me."
I paused and breathed deeply.
"She pounced on me, knocking me back far enough so that it missed me," I continued slowly, "but when she jumped down, that car had swerved and hit her."
I couldn't breathe. "Today's her two year anniversary." I finished.
He hugged me. No, it wasn't one of his normal hugs, he embraced me. Because when his arms encircled me I felt warm again, like his arms were her way of telling me it was okay.
"It'll be okay," he told me softly, "she did it because she loved you so much, she couldn't bare to see you hurt."
I nuzzled into his neck and took in his godly scent.
"..but you are hurting and I'm sure she knows it."
"I'm acting twelve years old." I said.
"nah, don't give yourself the credit. A twelve year old would've passed out already." He replied, giving me his most boyish and sexy grin as he lifted me up into his strong arms.
And as we lay there on the bed, his gentle hands rubbing slow comforting circles into my back, I began to feel whole once more.
As I nuzzled into him, he backed away from me, and I looked at him shocked and hurt. Before I could say anything he kissed me lightly on my forehead, pulling me so I was almost on top of him. Hugging me to him we lay there in comforting silence.
"You didn't do anything wrong you know, you're perfect. And, I'm sorry, but I want you very much."
With that, he drew my face to his and kissed me sensually and tenderly to which I returned. Pulling back he rubbed my check with his thumb and said, "You're so beautiful, I could hold you forever."
He kissed me once more, "in fact, I will."