This story is an AU. I have had this idea floating around in my head ever since I wrote Un-Thinkable. For the sake of this story, Andy never asked her to Nicole's wedding and therefore the events that occurred in Shandy-land didn't occur, for the sake of this story.
Enjoy!
Shoutout to the #DAMMM squad!
ASASASASASAS
I knew from the start of this arrangement that this day would come.
We have known each other for years.
He was this egotistical hotheaded detective that appeared in my office in IA, more times than I could remember.
I was the "ice hearted sexy goddess" that he knew he could melt. (his words not mine)
Somehow the combination was a magnetic force that was too great to ignore. And so the arrangement was made.
We've had an arrangement for about 8 years now.
At first it was just to satisfy each other's needs.
We found no harm in the situation. Neither one of us was in a serious relationship when it began. Of course I was still married but separated nonetheless.
Neither of us wanted a relationship.
We weren't looking to feel anything for each other or at least that's how it was when it started.
We were just looking to have sex accompanied by mind blowing orgasms and go on with our day afterwards.
It actually worked for a while, then it began to get complicated.
Right around the time I took over Major Crimes. That's when everything began to change.
We slowly began to feel things for each other. But neither one of us have openly admitted it to each other.
Of course last night he told me he loved me, but that was while he was inside of me:
"Shit, you are so wet" he said while thrusting into me in a slow and torturous pace.
"Mmmmm, harder, I'm so close" I said while biting his shoulder.
"I love you" he said as he was becoming faster and more erratic with his thrusts.
I was on the brink of my orgasm, so I pretended not to hear him. But I heard him, and he knows I heard him, but I didn't know how to react because I was unsure if he only loved me because he was fucking me or he honestly loves me.
We haven't spoken all day today. Luckily, we haven't been rolled out today or it would be an extremely awkward situation.
I mean don't get me wrong he isn't the only one whose feelings have morphed into something different. I was just shocked at the moment it came out, but maybe I shouldn't have been. After all we were technically making love, although we categorized it as 'just sex.'
Although, it was 'just sex' it was marvelous sex.
The marks that we leave on each other, the way our muscles feel the next day is evident of how marvelous our arrangement is.
It is now 9:30 pm and no matter how hard I try to think of something else, my mind keeps reverting back to the way he told me he loved me, last night.
How am I supposed to handle this? I know how I feel about him. I've felt this way for a while but I have been anxious to put out in the open.
For many reasons.
I'm scared he doesn't feel the same way.
I'm scared of ruining our great friendship.
I'm afraid that we can't be successful in a relationship because it started backwards.
Sex is always great, but it shouldn't be the start of a relationship.
Or at least I have been told so.
Hell, from my previous experience relationships should be started off by getting to know each other outside of the bedroom.
Now, that I think about it, the only serious relationship I've had was Jack and that ended horribly.
Well, okay my previous experience is an awful example!
Things are just different with Andy and I. It's organic. Nothing seems forced. We care for each other deeply. We laugh, we seem to know everything about each other. We know how to comfort each other. When no one understands what we are going through, we do. If things are so effortless, why are we not already in a relationship?
Is it that we can't wrap our heads around the title of the situation?
I mean what are titles? A word that defines something. Psst, look how wonderful the titles of husband and wife worked out for me! They obviously have no real meaning. They honestly have no bearing on someone's feelings. I have to stop letting my past relationship affect how I view this situation-ship, which could be a relationship. But it is so hard. Maybe the fact that I'm still technically married is the reason why I allow it seek into my train of thoughts when I begin to think about Andy and I.
The more I think, the more I get confused.
The only thing I can think to do is to call a familiar face.
Surely, he isn't too busy to help me through my 'whatever this is' crisis.
"What are you over thinking now?" his annoying but all knowing voice comes through the phone.
"How did you know I was over thinking something?" I ask joking.
"Honey, you wouldn't be the Sharon I love, if you weren't!" he exclaims in his matter fact tone, that I've come to enjoy over the years.
"Well... "I begin.
He cuts me off with "it's the friends with benefits with Andy situation, isn't it?" He says with no qualms.
"Umm, yeah it is," I inform him timidly afraid of what he might say.
"Well, honey it is quite simple, you know, " he says and I know he has a smirk on his face because we've had a similar conversation a couple of months ago, when Andy spent the night at my house for the first time in the 8 years since this arrangement began.
"No, it isn't as simple as you may think!" I practically yell at him to get my point across.
"And why is it not?" he replies in his soothing voice.
"Because he told me he loved me last night," I blurt out pretty fast, unsure if he heard me but I hope he did, because I don't want to repeat it.
"OK, that's a good thing, honey" he says excitedly.
"While we were fucking!" I sharply inform him.
"Oh, I see!" he says nonchalantly. He begins to hum and I know that means he is at a loss for words, which is a rare thing for Gavin Q. Baker and most people would relish in that but I can't, at least not in this moment of crisis.
"Well let's look at from all angles here, you guys have been getting closer as of late, you spend the night together at least 3 times a week. You even have taken to going on actual dates, which somehow you have classified as non-dates, which for the life of me I can't understand why. You don't even hide the fact that y'all spend together outside of work like you used to. You call him when you want to laugh, when you want to cry, when you want to scream with no judgement. You can't see yourself without him, and don't try to deny my last statement either "he says while I'm rolling my eyes ceremoniously.
"I don't recall saying that, actually, " I retort.
"Honey, a drunk woman tells no tales, you were clearly too intoxicated to remember that a lady never kisses and tells either, because you definitely told me a lot of the tricks that he has taught you over the years" he informs me as he laughs at me.
"Oh my God, Gavin, I did not," I say while my cheeks are flushing from embarrassment.
"Oh honey you did and I can tell you the tricks, if you'd like!" he says with his cheeky tone. "I'd be more than willing to refresh your memory", he teases.
"Oh please don't," I beg.
We laugh at our innate ability to be complete fools when we want to be.
"Now back to the situation at hand, honey, just because he said it while y'all were having sex doesn't mean he didn't mean it. It could have been that it was just when it happened it to come out. I mean seriously what makes you think he didn't mean it? Other than the fact that he said it at an awkward time, to you" he probes.
"Well, honestly, there isn't another reason, he has never said it before and I just found it weird that he said it then. I mean it's not that I don't want to believe it, it just scares the living crap out of me" I inform him with the most sincere tone I've had the whole night.
"OK, one question? He asks.
"OK, what is it? "Almost certain of what the question is.
"Do you love him?" he asks with a hint of excitement in his voice.
"Yeah... "I say lowly.
"Umm, honey I'm going to need you speak a little louder" he declares.
"Yes" I practically scream.
"Now that is more like it," he teases.
"So there you have it, stop over thinking it, you feel the exact same way, you just haven't admitted to him yet. Wait was this the first time you admitted it yourself, out loud?" He inquires smugly.
"Quite possibly!" I state knowing what he is going to say next.
"Oh honey you've got it bad! You sound like a lovesick college girl who just happened to be sleeping with a friend and fell in love in the process! "He exclaims so eagerly.
"Well, you know I'm with you when you are right! I just don't know if I'm ready to express that to him yet!" I say hurriedly.
"Umm why the hell not? He has already taken the big risk by saying it first. Granted it may not have been in the most opportune moment or what have you, nevertheless he said It." he so rightfully informs me.
Rolling my eyes and releasing an ill-timed "humph", he interrupts me "don't get snappy with young lady, you called me, REMEMBER!" He told me in his frightful lawyer tone that he only uses when his clients are being uncooperative much like Brenda was at first.
"Ugh, ok! " I say in my most annoyed tone I have.
"Now answer my question!" He demands.
"Because I am afraid of being hurt, there I said it!" I blurt out as quickly as possible.
"Oh, honey! Don't be afraid. Don't let your past dictate your future. You are a beautiful woman who has so much love to give and you have someone to give it to. You have someone who wants to give you his love and wants to accept yours. So stop being afraid, you have nothing to fear with Andy." he says soothingly.
"I know, I know, I try to tell myself that, but I can't make myself believe it," I shyly conceded.
"Well honey, I'm demanding you believe it. I don't know how many more times I have to tell you, that you need to file for a divorce." he urges.
"That's a huge step. I don't know if I can bring myself to do that. I know we have been separated for years, but a divorce is just so final, you know what I mean? "I say fearing his reply.
"Uhh, what the hell Sharon, that is the point! I mean why stay married to a jackass? You have been apart forever, you clearly don't have feelings for him any longer, because you've told me so a million times. You don't share finances anymore, you practically already divorced." he practically screams in my ear.
"You don't get it. It's not just me that I have to think about... "I start to say.
"Honey, cut the crap, your children are grown! Hell, I doubt they would even care. I'm sure they've been wondering why you hadn't already filed." he ardently points out.
"Gavin, this is harder than I thought it would be. When did it become so hard to move on and allow yourself to be loved? "I ask.
"That's an easy one, honey, when you started over thinking it!" he poignantly advises me.
"Tell you what, how about you be the badass Sharon Marilyn O'Dwyer Raydor that you are at work, in your personal life. No more of the timid Sharon that you tend to be when it comes to your love life. Believe me I understand the complexities of your situation, but it could all be so simple, if you would just let it be, "he says with sincerity.
By now I have tears of understanding streaming down my face, "Hmm, you are right. It is time for me to do things for myself on the most bad ass way possible," I assert.
"Good, now honey stop the tears and doubting and go tell that man you love him," he demands.
"Oh yeah, I have a gift for you, check your inbox! " he says excitedly.
"A gift? I say without any clue to what the gift could possibly be.
"Yes, a gift, now run along, bye!" Is all he says before he hangs up.
Curiosity has gotten the best of me, so I decided to check my email.
"Sneaky lil bugger," I exclaim out loud.
Divorce papers already prefilled. I guess it comes in handy having your best friend as your attorney.
His only words in the body are "Now serve his ass! You deserve it."
Leave it to Gavin to make me laugh at a time like this.
I can always depend on him to help me figure things out, it's like he is my snarky conscious that I try to ignore. But I'm happy that I don't ignore him, because usually he is right. But I will never tell him that.
But he is right about one thing. I need to go tell Andy how I feel!
So here I am 45 minutes later sitting in Andy's driveway, trying to make myself get out the car.
"Sharon you can do this, just open the door, get out the car, walk to the door and knock, " I hear Gavin in my head say.
And low and behold my phone rings.
"Yes, Gavin?" I answered mock annoyed that he knows me so well.
"You've done the hard part now get your ass out of the car and knock on the door, " he exclaims.
"Goodbye, Gavin!" I retort before hanging up on him.
Get it together Sharon, get out the damn car!
As I sling the car day open, I feel this horrible knot in my stomach. However, I'm going to choose to ignore it.
As I knock on the door, I pray that he answers.
As, I knock one last time, beginning to turn away, think that he is asleep after all it is near midnight.
"Sharon, is everything OK?" sleep still evident in his voice. He slides over and motions for me to come in.
"Yes, I hope everything will be OK, after this." I say as I walk past him, and waits for him to close the door, so that I can grab his hand and walk to the couch with him.
"After what? Sharon you are scaring me, "he says confused.
"Andy, it isn't anything bad, just let me get it out, ok?" I assure him, lacing our fingers together as we sit together.
"Umm, ok, shoot!" he says nervously.
"OK, so you know, we've been spending a lot of time together and um, I was wondering do you, feel the same way I do. I love you Andy, I do but I need to know if this is really before I can continue. I know last night you told me that you loved me, but I'm afraid that you only said it because we're having sex. I just need to know you are you aren't here just for, sexual dealings.
See if you are then, I just can't live a lie because I'm certain how I feel about you.
But if you tell me, I am the one and this is right then we can spend the night tonight like always.
But first you've got to tell me if you feel the same way I do." I say looking into his gorgeous chocolate eyes as they mist over.
"Sharon, I never intended for the first time I told I love you, to happen like that. I've been meaning to say it at other times, but I was afraid that you didn't feel the same way, so I held it back. But last night, I felt the connection and I just had to let you know. Because I do love you, in or out of the bedroom. I'm sorry that I made you unsure, because of the timing of my revelation. But yes, Sharon I feel the same way you do. I love you more than I can even verbally express" he states as my jade eyes are stained with tears of clarity.
"Sharon can you promise me something?" He asks with a hint of uncertainty in his voice.
"Umm, what is it?" I ask.
"Please don't ever hesitate to ask me how I feel about something just because you are afraid!" he retorts with a level of determination evident on his strong voice.
"I promise. If you promise me the same. "I say.
"OK, we have a deal then." he says smiling squeezing my hand tighter.
"Oh, well you know how much I love deals!" I exclaim as we both burst into a much needed laughter.
Running my finger up and down the front of his shirt, "So I was serious about spending the night like always part of what I said before!" I whisper into his ear.
As his hands begin to travel up my thigh under my chambray shirt dress.
"You know what?" he says as I rise up to straddle his lap.
"What?" I purr as I run my hands under his shirt.
"You, are insatiable woman!" He says while he grabs my ass.
Laughing, I tell him "You've never complained before, but I can stop if you'd like!" I taunt him attempting to get out of his lap.
"Uh no ma'am! Where do you think you are going?" he inquires grabbing a tighter hold to my ass while peppering kisses down my neck.
"I mean with the way you were complaining, I figured I'd just leave" I counter. Laughing at his obvious face of disapproval to my idea.
"Hush up woman, ain't nobody complaining!" he asserts. He kisses me so deeply that I feel like I'm being elevated into another plane of existence.
As we break apart I inform him, "Tell me all your fantasies because tonight I guarantee you'll fulfill them all here with me. One by one I'll check them off! Tonight is your night. Love me all you like I'm here to satisfy!"
He stands up with me in his arms and begins to walk.
"So, what's the first fantasy?" I inquire.
"Let's just say..."
ASASASASAS
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