Disclaimer: Most, if not all, of the characters and places in this story are copyrighted by Nintendo or HAL Laboratory. Don't sue me.
Before the story begins, I just want to give you a heads-up. I shamelessly use the words "ass" and "piss," so if they offend you, stop reading. Oops, too late. Also, there is no "Smash Mansion."
Crash.
The sound of skull against skull was unforgiving as Mario was sent to the ground, feeling half dead. His opponent, Bowser, threw back his horned head and roared victoriously.
Then, the flash of steel as Link appeared, a shield in his right hand and sword in his left, and hacked away vigorously at the reptilian beast. Bowser's scaley hide was too thick to cut through, but not too thick to feel pain. Link's onslaught was cut short when an electric yellow mouse, Pikachu, stepped between them and called down lightning. In a magnificent blast, Link and Bowser were thrown in different directions.
Mario rose to his feet and dusted himself off, only to lob a fireball into the fallen Bowser's face. Link swiped furiously at Pikachu who evaded, causing him to unintentionally smack Mario with the flat of his sword. The portly plumber retaliated with a sweep kick that faceplanted Link.
And the fight continued like this.
"Halt!" screamed an armed guard of the Mushroom Kingdom, pointing a spear at Mario. More guards circled around the four combatants, all pointing their spears.
"Smashing again? The commonwealth of the Mushroom Kingdom has forbidden Smashing!" The guard spotted the kingdom's hero, Mario. "Caught in the act again, Mario. You should be ashamed. The princess has been working her royal ass off to put an end to illegal Smashing, and here you are, spreading it like a disease."
"I'm a'sorry," Mario piped up, but he was quickly prodded in the nose with a spear.
The guard's gaze fell on Bowser. "And you. Your list of offenses against the Mushroom Kingdom are innumerable! Finally a chance to lock you away for good. The four of you are coming with us to face justice."
Link groaned. His home, Hyrule, and the Mushroom Kingdom were finally on good terms after a very shaky history, and now his trespassing and law-breaking in the neighboring kingdom... Well, it'll be a public relations nightmare! The guard's cold stare seemed to speak these words to Link.
Bold Pikachu made a break for it, agily slipping between two guards. "Catch him!" one screamed.
"No," said the ring leader, "Let him go. He's running scared. We have the real criminals."
Still surrounded by spears, the three Smashers were forced to walk back to town, where they would be put to trial. Again. This had happened before, but they all got off scot-free thanks to the princess' intervention, and Mario's status as a hero of the people. And it was quite the media circus. But would the courts go so easy on them again?
I'll take this moment to describe the characters.
Mario was a stocky, Italian plumber who always wore denim overalls, a red shirt and hat, novelty white gloves, and filthy brown boots. A mustache covered his upper lip. He ran a plumbing service (in fact, the only plumbing service in the land) with his younger brother Luigi, but he spent more time rescuing Princess Peach from random villains. He also had a hobby of developing revolutionary medications to combat various diseases. He had such a nack for his medicines that it is often wondered why plumbing was his profession while such an important field of practice was only a hobby.
Bowser was an enormous, bipedal turtle beast. Day in and day out, he sat in his dank castle, envying the outside world, and his longing to join them turned into a yearn to conquer them. Countless times Bowser had kidnapped Princess Peach, but as you can guess, his plans were always foiled by Mario. This didn't stop them from competing friendily from time to time, because having friends is secretly all Bowser ever wanted. Bowser's shell was covered in spikes, and he wore leather bands (also spiked) on his arms.
Link was to Hyrule what Mario is to the Mushroom Kingdom. He too had a long history of rescuing princesses. His damsel in distress was typically Princess Zelda of Hyrule. Link also boasted a unique wardrobe. He was almost always decked out in a forest-green tunic, complete with a floppy cap. Link's preferred language was Hylian, and his English left much to be desired, so he seldom spoke because of the overwhelming uncertainty of his words.
As they tread, Mario heard a jingling noise consistent with Link's footsteps, and he instantly recognized it as the jingling of chainmail.
"You a'cheater!" Mario scolded, "We a'said no armor!"
The only response was from a guard who walked behind him, a jab to the back with a spear. Any more of this and Mario would be a pin-cushion.
This is going nowhere. Let's fast-forward to the trial so I don't need to have any awkwardly-placed time lapses. We're in the trial now.
Toadsworth read from a scroll, slowly and deliberately. "Bowser, you have been charged with illegal Smashing, kidnapping a member of the monarch, invading royal premises, un-namable traffic violations, and failure to appear for jury duty. How do you plead?"
"Bite me," grunted Bowser.
"This court will not tolerate blasphemy! I say again, how do you plead, sir?"
"Guilty," and he grinned cockily.
"So be it." Toadsworth turned to Mario. "Mario, you have been charged with illegal Smashing, collaborating with a known wrongdoer, and a rather lackluster job at fixing royal pipes. How do you plead?"
"I'm a'innocent," said Mario.
"I see. And Link. You have been charged with illegal Smashing, unauthorized occupying of this great kingdom, and posession of a dangerous item or items. How do you plead?"
"Hyeee-ah!"
"Do we have that on record? Now, read us the verdict."
A mushroom-headed man was handed a paper which he glanced at only briefly. "They're guilty!" he screamed, "The lot of them!"
Mario's heart skipped a few beats. Bowser closed his eyes and grinned again. Link couldn't understand the words.
"Wait!" called a petite voice from the back of the room. An important-looking blonde-haired woman stood up, and her pink gown flowed around her like smoke around a candle. "They're free to go. You signed this warrant in the wrong place."
"What?" Toadsworth said, angered. "Give that to me, Princess." He looked at the paper superficially. He didn't truly understand how those papers worked, and now, in front of the prestigious court, wasn't the time or the place to learn. He took the Princess' word for it. "Yes... I suppose one could say that these papers are signed awkwardly..."
"Not awkwardly. In the wrong place. They're invalid. Inadmissable. Useless," Peach said sharply. "And that means you can no longer hold these three."
"Damn right you can't!" scoffed Bowser, already out of his seat and stomping toward the exit. "Thanks, Peachie. See ya later. Tonight, maybe?"
"You wish."
"No!" wailed Toadsworth, "But he pleaded guilty!"
Mario and Link also got up and left, and all four of them breathed deep sighs of relief. Once outside, Peach scolded Mario for Smashing again. I'll leave her exact words to your imagination, but if it helps, they weren't pretty. "It's a problem, Mario," she had said in conclusion, waving a finger at him.
"It was'a only a problem when a'you outlawed it," Mario retorted in a squeaky accent that's hard to take seriously. "Don't a'you remember, Princess? Back in a'the day when me and Luigi would a'Smash in my front yard, while you a'sat on the porch a'cheering us on. What happened to those a'days?"
"Don't piss me off, Mario," Peach said bitterly.
"You've a'changed."
After Peach stormed off wordlessly, Mario began to wonder if he had said the right things. He had spoken his mind, and for that, he had no regrets. Yet at the same time, Peach had bailed him out again only to be combatted? Mario had never seen the princess so angry before, and he had certainly never heard her swear like that. His heart skipped another beat.
"I love you, Princess," he said, but he was all alone.