Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach.
When I wake up, the stage play is set. All the parts have been given out, and I have mine as well, with the required lines and characterization. I am to be the Byakuya-niisama's much-younger sister, the child and de facto mistress of the Kuchiki household in the event that my brother does not marry again. I am to behave appropriately, to never raise my voice, and obey my brother's will in all things.
It all seems so clear-cut. Nothing could be more plainly stated, nothing more obviously my role in this new life.
But it's not.
The former mistress of the house still has a shadow, and that shadow is me. Just living the way I'm expected to makes me a shadow, something without a purpose, and I don't know how to step out from behind the shadow of my life and I'm not even particularly sure what I'm supposed to do anymore.
The name of the owner of my shadow life is Kuchiki Hisana-sama, Byakuya-niisama's late wife.
She has been dead for so long, but she lives on, in the garden on the Kuchiki estate and in the soft whisper of the wind sweeping through a corridor. She lives on in the eyes of the servants, and in the heart of my brother. Though he rarely speaks of her, I know that for him, Hisana-sama is still just as real as anything here.
That presents problems for me. I don't know how to step out of Hisana-sama's shadow; she still lives on, in my every breath and step, and I may as well be a cheap imitation sent to replace her. If that's the case, I'm not doing my job nearly well enough.
I was told that I was adopted because of my strong resemblance to Hisana-sama; in fact, it has been hinted that many of the servants somehow thought I was Hisana-sama for the first few days I was here, though I was younger by far and smaller, shorter, and very much alive.
Yet it became clear to them and everyone else that I was not Hisana-sama, and to my detriment as well. I was never good enough, never quite kind enough, demure enough or gentle enough. I wasn't Hisana-sama, and it was never clear if anyone really wanted me to be Hisana-sama or not.
Early on, I would occasionally catch Byakuya-niisama casting highly distracted looks at me. Byakuya-niisama is not that sort of man; he would never abuse his position as my adopted brother and, for all intents and purposes, my legal guardian.
Instead, when I would step into the room without niisama expecting me to be there, for a moment he would stare at me in such a way that it was clear he thought he was seeing someone else; a sad, horribly sad look, full of anguish and darkness, painted his pale, aristocratic features before his eyes cleared and he recognized me for who I was.
He haunted the halls behind me, watching to make sure I found my way and trying desperately to disentangle me from Hisana-sama in his mind. Even when he seemed not to care he did; even when he gave no outward indication that he considered me to be anything other than Kuchiki Rukia, his adopted sister, it was clear he expected something else out of me.
I find myself in competition with a dead woman.
I don't have a true place in the Kuchiki household because she's already there, and I don't have the strength, the audacity or the cruelty to push her out. If I try to push Hisana-sama out so I can take the niche I'm supposed to have, it may well be what finally breaks Byakuya-niisama, who never seems sure just exactly what he is supposed to do.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do, either. I'm not sure what I'm meant to be. We're all trapped in this cycle, and I'm no different from any of the rest.
I just know that I can't do anything, can't be anything, as long as there's a dead woman hovering in my place. I am only her shadow; I will never be her.
And that, without a doubt, is what drives me out of the sun.