AN: So this is a fic co-written by three of us, BlueSkys91, Miss Pookamonga, and me, sparklyshimmer2010. We share this account. Yes, our penname refers to Chuck, the Canadian gate technician. He is awesome, and yes we are complete angels (lol ok, maybe not). Check out our bio for more info. This was Skys' wonderful idea and now here it is! We will each write a part, probably a chapter each normally. We love this fic so hope you Enjoy! This first chapter is pretty much a setup chapter with some angst. I think season 4 spoilers is it right now.

And some special notes: (from Pooka) SPARKY LIVES FOREVER

(from Skys) DIE SHEYLA (sorry we really don't like it, and I don't actually think we're sorry, so yeah lol)

(from me sparkly) Despite us having this fic out, season 4 NEVER HAPPENED

Chapter 1 (Holes)

Present Day

Twenty years, it had been twenty years since he and Ronon had left Elizabeth on that planet with the Replicators. He still could not wrap his head around the fact it had been that long.

Everyone had developed their own way of dealing with the miserable, heartbreaking anniversary.

Rodney would lock himself in his lab, immerse himself in work, and refused to come out for twenty-four hours. After the first few years of doing this, everyone learned just to let him be.

Ronon and Teyla could either be found in the gym, or on New Athos handling it in their own way.

Beckett would take the day off and go fishing.

Everyone had their own way of coping with the loss of their friend, but his he knew was the most pathetic of them all. He would sit in his room, in the dark, nursing a bottle of Jack Daniels until it was drained.

It was his way of doing things, his way of handling the loss of Elizabeth, his Elizabeth.

FLASHBACK – 19 years earlier

John sat in his room, unable to forget that last look of Elizabeth he'd had. That one last glimpse before he turned around to leave her on that godforsaken planet. He couldn't get out of his thoughts that resounding "Go!" which rang in his head despairingly. It had been her wish, but that one word taunted him, taunted him oh so much, because he had left her with the replicators to die.

Oh he had made a promise – to the expedition, to his friends, to himself, to her…a promise to bring her back home. But had he? No. And now she was dead. He had failed at the one thing that counted most in his life; protecting her.

For all those months after that mission he had had hope, had been determined to see her again, to save her from whatever she must be going through. And then that hope suddenly left when the knowledge came that Oberoth had killed her. It left him empty inside. He hadn't yet grieved properly.

And now it was a year, a whole year since he and Ronon had left her there. It hadn't seemed so long until this harsh anniversary. On this day the fact that she was truly gone from his life ate him up from the inside out, gnawing at his heart with incredible pain. On this day the guilt came for them, particularly to John.

And he wanted to get away from it.

And instead of doing that, he made his way to Elizabeth's old quarters. Why, he didn't exactly know. Maybe he wanted to remember. Remember the time they spent together before.

He just stood there, opposite the door, staring hard, as if he could see through it. It wasn't her room anymore. It wasn't his to just walk into any time he pleased.

Yeah, they'd been together. Since the whole Michael situation and that damn Woolsey had come to maybe take her away from him and her home. He had really been scared that she was going back to Earth and hadn't wanted her to leave until she knew how he felt.

His thoughts went to that day about two years ago when he'd kissed her. And she'd completely surprised him, and herself too, by kissing him back. That had been one of the best days of his life. Their relationship had been wonderful. They'd been good together. It hadn't been too long before they'd slept together.

Why did this have to hurt so damn much?

He cleared his mind, on the verge of tears.

He needed to get away from this.

He made his way to McKay's lab where the scientist was throwing himself full force into his work, the only sign that he remembered what the day was, the slightly worse dark rings under his eyes then he would normally have from one of his all nighters. And his eyes held a certain depth of pain that John could only imagine was mirrored in his.

He stepped into the lab, coming in and leaning against the doorframe.

"Hey Rodney," he said quietly.

Rodney jumped and looked up at him, startled, eyes wide. He put a hand on to his heaving chest and glared. "What are you trying to do!? Give me a heart attack? Because trust me, I do not need one from you. I get plenty of them off world already."

John rolled his eyes, happy for this small bit of normality. "Yeah sorry about that," he said, not sounding sorry at all.

This time Rodney rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I'm sure you are."

"So whatcha working on?" John asked.

Rodney sighed tiredly. "Nothing that you would understand."

John just shrugged in acceptance and sat heavily in a chair across from Rodney's work space. There was some silence before Rodney glanced at him slightly uncomfortably. Then he spoke hesitatingly. "So uh, how – how are you doing?"

John bit his lip. Rodney just had to have brought it up. But John didn't blame him. Out of all their friends, he, John, was taking it the worst. He had loved her. And Rodney was just making sure he was ok. Like I could ever be ok, he thought bitterly.

He leaned his head down in his hands. In a throaty voice he replied, "Not so good McKay."

"Right," Rodney muttered, not knowing what to say.

"I just…" John trailed off. "I just still can hardly believe that she's not here. It's finally hitting me that she's gone. But I can't quite believe that." He brought his head back up to stare at nothing.

"Yeah well, you'd better believe it Sheppard, cause there's no way she's coming back." His voice was full of pain, but he was just talking, not considering what he was saying or how John would react. "It's been a year, she had nanites that were probably taken over by the replicators, and not to mention the fact we blew them all up!"

John's face darkened at Rodney's words. He slammed his hands on the table as he stood up.

Rodney looked startled once again, as though he for the first time comprehended the situation. His face saddened. "Sorry, that's not how I meant it. I – I'm just not at my best either right now. Maybe you should leave."

"Yeah, maybe I should." He took a few steps towards the door, but stopped, not turning around, as McKay said one thing more.

"I'm sorry, John."

John nodded in understanding, though still not facing his friend. Rodney wanted to be left alone. Fine. As soon as he passed the threshold, the door shut and locked from Rodney's artificial gene. Tomorrow they would be fine with each other. In the meantime, maybe he should go somewhere by himself too. And relive the good times…

Next year he would have Teyla try to talk to Rodney. And next year he would make sure to have more alcohol.

END FLASHBACK