The 'We have We' Paradigm
Alone in the living room, Leonard stood silhouetted at the window, watching.
Pasadena looks beautiful at this moment, he thought as a topaz shade of blue colored the city streets. In the distance, he could hear the church bells of St. Andrew's tolling, calling the faithful to Mass.
Behind him, the Christmas tree sparkled a rainbow of colors in the darkened living room, the twinkling lights throwing pastel shadows on the walls.
He removed the bowtie from around his neck and carefully rolling up the material, he placed it in the safety of the pocket of his rented tuxedo. The reception was scheduled to go until 11PM. He was invited to stay, of course, as were all the members of the Physics Department String Quartet. But as they were done playing for the night and the gaiety of the party depressed him, he decided to leave early.
Leonard closed his eyes as he pressed his body against the glass.
Christmas had always been painful for him. As a child, they were bleak at best. Their beautiful house Tudor style house in Princeton went undecorated, no tree, no gifts, no bows, no ribbons, no colored wrapping paper, no joy. Just the cold, relentless pursuit of the academic where papers were written and exchanged then discussed in focus groups. Even when he was at college and grad school, he chose to stay away from home, preferring the quiet dorm, always lying to his family that he had pressing work to do.
He had read the Christmas books and had seen all the movies. The fictional Christmases were joyous, the characters surrounded by loving friends and family, and all problems solved by the last chapter or end reel.
And wishes came true.
Leonard sighed as he looked out over the quiet street.
When was his life ever like that?
Never.
It was sad.
It was painful.
But what made it especially painful was the constant longing. Always on the outside looking in, he could see the world out there and he knew what he was being denied. Even as a child, he was continually tantalized by the possibilities: of love, of happiness and of what could be.
And all that had changed with Penny.
The holidays were now joyous and fun, something he looked forward to. The few Christmases he had with her, whether they had been in a relationship or not, had made up for all the other years.
This was to be their second Christmas as a couple and he desperately wanted it to go well. Their first Christmas as a twosome was a complete and total disaster.
His mother had visited. And Beverly, armed with her usual brand of condescension, abuse, and manipulations, criticized and belittled him, minimizing his every effort. Even though he knew better, he was hopelessly conditioned and his response was Pavlovian; she sent him into a depressive swirl that lasted for days.
And finally, this year, he nearly felt like a man fulfilled. Penny and he were a couple and, miracles or miracles, she loved him! He cried when she told him because it was the first time in his life those words had been spoken to him.
First. Time. Ever.
The tree had been decorated and Sheldon's gold bust of Sir Isaac Newton was safely hanging on one of the top branches. Sheldon and Amy had gone to Texas and it was meant to be a quiet, lovely holiday, just the two of them.
It was all he wanted, the simple gifts of being held, being wanted, and being loved.
He was so very, very close. He could feel it and he could almost touch it. But as always, just as he was going to close his hand around the prize, it slipped out of his hands and ran through his fingers like water, never to be recaptured again.
Just like now.
He remembered when Penny got 'the call'. Her scream was so sudden and piercing that he shot up and out of his chair, holding his hand over his heart as it pounded in shock and Sheldon flipped backwards in his and landed on the floor.
Penny had gotten a part in a movie, Love! New York Style! The fourth lead in a low budget romantic comedy, she was to play the second best friend of the main character. The part had already been cast but as that actress had been fired due to tardiness and an ongoing drug problem, the part then went to Penny. As the film was currently in production, to capture the 'special magic and ambiance' of Christmas and New Year's Eve in New York, she have to leave right away.
He was happy for her. No, correction, he was ecstatic for her.
He wanted this as much as she did.
But now, their second Christmas together as a couple was being spent 3000 miles apart. He couldn't leave to join her. The Physics Department String Quartet had holiday commitments, parties and affairs, throughout the month. And then there was his obligation to the University's Outreach Program. The week after Christmas when the schools were closed, he'd be teaching science to interested and sixth, seventh, and eighth grade students. Because the children were drawn to the allure of lasers, his program was always popular and well attended. And who knows? Maybe the class would be life changing to an underserved child.
Lowering his head, Leonard ran his hand through his hair and sighed.
He was thrilled for Penny. Her path unwinding, Penny's dream was finally coming true. Who knew where her road might lead: more acting jobs and phenomenal success.
Why then was his heart breaking?
Because he knew.
If Penny's career took flight, this could be the start of their finish. In his mind, he could see Penny surrounded by exciting, handsome, interesting, rich, tall leading men, all vying for her attention.
How could he possibly fit in? He wouldn't.
How could he even possibly compete with that? He couldn't.
Long ago, in a brutal moment of intentional emotional abuse, his mother told him he had to be 'smart, sweet, and kind to try to get someone to love you. You'll need to compensate for your malformations.' Head hanging low, Leonard put his hands to eyes to stop the burning of the impending tears.
Oh, God. How old was I when she said that to me? Nine or ten years old, maybe.
And he had tried. He and Penny's road had been rocky but given their limited emotional resources, it felt like it had been working out. Hard fought ground had been gained and they were at a place where it finally felt stable, nurturing, and maturing.
And now Penny's road is unwinding and the only thing he can do is just stand there and watch as she walks away.
The words he spoke to her long ago were still true: 'just tell me what to do and I'll do it'.
Those words had long ago signaled his unconditional surrender, his complete loss of self. He didn't matter in the equation because he purposely removed himself from it. Whatever Penny needed to make herself happy and fulfilled, he would gladly give.
Even if that means a life apart.
Christmas lights glittered in windows and Leonard could hear people laughing in other apartments at nearby parties.
Leonard's head hung low, his breath frosting the glass.
In a moment of clarity, he realized that Penny had given the greatest gift of all. He loved and amazingly, was loved in return.
At least he had the chance to feel it once.
No matter how brief.
Behind him, The Grinch who Stole Christmas was playing on the DVD. They loved watching that together.
Ah, well.
In the distance, St. Andrew's Church chimed 9PM.
"It's midnight in New York," Leonard said to his reflection.
Leonard closed his eyes and facing east, his mind floated across the miles, over the mountains, and plains, and cities. Concentrating hard, he believed he could see Penny, pressed against a window, a cold rain slanting across the glass, as all of New York twinkled at her feet. He raised his hand and rested it against the pane as if to touch her.
"I love you, Penny," he said to the image thousands of miles away.
…..
Standing at the window of her New York hotel on the 43rd floor in midtown Manhattan, Penny watched as the icy rain pelted against the panes. The lights from the windows of neighboring buildings twinkled all around her.
She had a bad day.
The movie business, however fun and easy it may look, was stressful. And it was not going well.
Despite how she was tried, she was not clicking with the lead actress. A gossipy make-up artist, told her that the first actress who was hired to play her character, Louisa, was a good friend of the lead. And the lead actress hadn't taken the replacement well. Penny had the feeling that their on-screen chemistry and friendship wasn't really working because of the off-screen resentment. It would be a real testament to her acting skills if she could pull the 'supportive best friend act' off.
They were supposed to be shooting a big scene tonight in Central Park. But the night shooting and the icy rain was wrecking havoc on the equipment and the nerves of the secondary filming crew. In addition, the horse was not cooperating and consequently, the team never got 'the shot'. They would have to try tomorrow night, weather permitting.
It was a pivotal scene in which, her best friend Marcy, had just realized she was completely in love with Jeffrey, and always had been, even when they were just 'good buddies'. And now Marcy had to get to the church to disrupt the midnight wedding of Jeffrey and the man-stealing bitch Amanda. Marcy's two best friends, Hillary and her character Louisa, were helping her steal a horse drawn carriage so Marcy could commandeer the buggy through the streets of New York in the rain, get to the church, burst in and announce her undying for Jeffrey as he stood at the alter with Amanda, and throw the whole wedding into disarray.
It was important scene for her character because Louisa was the romantic one in their trio. And just as they are confiscating the carriage and Marcy takes the reigns, Louisa tells Marcy, "You go girl! I told you that love was here all along! Now go get your man!"
Penny grimaced at that line. She remembered the time when she was at the movie theater with Leonard. She wanted to see the Jennifer Aniston movie and he wanted to see the documentary about a dam in South America. He used almost that exact same line to show her that the movies she liked were basically all the same.
Penny smiled at the thought of him.
Leonard.
How she missed him! She needed someone as sweet and supportive as Leonard right now. He had been wonderful, nothing but encouraging and helpful when she had been given this chance. Because she had to leave right away, he helped her with everything: laundry, packing, phone calls, gathering documents, and arrangements. He even transferred $3000, emergency and spending money, into her checking account from his savings. 'A dollar for every mile that's keeping us apart,' he had said.
How she wished he could here now! They would have had such a wonderful time in New York at Christmas! But he had that Outreach program thingy and had to play with the string quartet at different holiday functions.
Speaking of which … Penny turned to look at a clock behind her.
She turned back to look at the street. "Midnight. It's 9PM in Pasadena," she said to her reflection.
Leonard said he would be playing at the President's Christmas Gala tonight until 11PM. That means 2AM New York time. She would call him then.
She couldn't wait to speak to him, to hear his voice.
And it felt good. She was happy. Their relationship had been rocky but given their limited emotional resources, it felt like it had been working out. Hard fought ground had been gained and they were at a place where it finally felt stable, nurturing, and maturing.
Penny smiled. And as clichéd as it was she had to admit it, love had been there all along.
Behind her, on the television The Grinch who Stole Christmas was playing. She had rented it. She and Leonard loved watching that together.
Ah, well.
Penny closed her eyes and faced west. She knew it was west because that's where the sunset. Her mind floated across the miles, over the mountains, and plains, and cities. Concentrating hard, she believed he could see Leonard, as he stood looking very handsome in his tuxedo, pressed against the window of his apartment, a blue topaz light across the city. She raised her hand and rested it against the pane as if to touch him.
"I love you, Leonard," she said to the image thousands of miles away.
And at that very moment, thousands of miles apart, they both heard:
Welcome Christmas!
Bring your Cheer!
Cheer to all Whos far and near!
Christmas Day is in our grasp
So long as we have hands to clasp.
Christmas Day will always be
Just as long as We have We.
Welcome Christmas while we stand
Heart to heart and hand in hand.
….. The End …..
A/N: A bit of a schmaltzy Christmas story but your reviews, comments, and criticisms will be welcomed!