"The person you have called is unavailable, please leave a message and try again."

Oh... Hi... It's me.

Carla.

I know this is rather out of the blue and you probably weren't expecting this but I just...

I dunno… I guess I just had to speak to you.

Wow...

I erm… really wish you had answered the phone.

I wish I didn't have to leave this message because I really wanted to hear your voice.

I knew that today was going to be difficult, I just didn't know quite how much.

The minute I woke up I burst into tears, I wanted to stay at home, under the covers and wait until this unimaginable day was over but… Well I don't even have a home right now to be honest.

I'm actually staying at Roy's... It's weird... really weird actually. I mean don't get me wrong, Roy's lovely and he takes good care of me but I feel so out of place amongst him and Haley's things. I miss her so much but being here… well it's almost like being in her presence I suppose.

The thing is, it's so cosy and welcoming here and somehow I still feel so isolated.

I still don't understand what happened... I'm so sure I blew that candle out... So sure.

I don't know if anyone told you, maybe Simon has I... I... just don't know but there was a fire, it were all my fault and now... Well now everybody pretty much hates me for it. People have died, lives have been ruined and once again, it's all because of me.

I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me, y'know I hate all that, I've been getting used to receiving all the dirty looks again and hearing all those whispers behind me back. It's just today...

Today came so quickly and I don't know how I'm going to get through it.

I wanted to phone you because even after everything… you're the only person who really understands what I'm going through.

How can it have been a year? How can it have been that long when the pain still feels just as excruciating as it did back then?

It's funny because you assume that the people closest to you would remember, that they would remember the anniversaries of your darkest days, but they don't.

Life goes on for them I guess.

Chelle n Steve got married last week, She's so blissfully happy that I didn't want to spoil it for her by mentioning anything. I could tell that she thought something was wrong with me earlier but I just brushed it off and acted like everything was fine... Like I always do.

Roy knows something is up too, he made me some breakfast and I tried to eat it but the lump in my throat just got in the way.

He's actually gone out with this woman called Cathy and I'm really glad that's he's got a new friend... so I didn't say anything to him either... I know he'd cancel on her to be with me and it wouldn't be fair on him, not after everything he's been through.

I've caused enough pain and heartache as it is.

I know that you would have remembered though... I mean… I really hope that you have.

Maybe you haven't.

Maybe it's just me who knows that it was a year ago today, who knows the exact hour, the exact minute that it happened.

Maybe I shouldn't be leaving you this message and maybe I should just hang up but I really feel like the only things that will get me through this ordeal, is to talk to you or... to drink my way through it.

I hope you can understand that I really didn't want to do that second thing I mentioned.

I'm scared...

Scared because if I start drinking heavily, I'm not sure I'll be able to stop this time... Not without you here to help me.

I've been thinking about everything a lot and I really want you to know that I don't blame you for what happened… Not anymore.

I was so angry and so upset with you, that I didn't take into account your feelings and it hadn't occurred to me that you'd lost a baby girl too.

I can't help but wonder what she'd look like. I bet she'd have your eyes... so brown and beautiful that I could get lost in them for hours. She'd probably have both of our dark hair and I bet it would be all cute n curly just like mine was at that age.

I bet she would have been a right little Daddy's girl, you would have let her get away with absolute murder and I would ave been completely powerless to stop it.

I know I said a lot of nasty things before... about us being parents but I know we would have been really good ones. I know that because I've seen you with Simon and I know that you could have taught me so much about how to be a good Mum.

I know how you always used to say that you wished you had of been with Simon when he was a baby. You'd get sad because you missed all on all that stuff with him... You missed his first words, his first steps, his first everything but when I found out about our baby I told myself that you would at least be able to be there for this one.

It would have been hard, it would have been almost impossible at times but I really think you and me could have made it work... I just wish we could ave had the chance.

I wish it hadn't of ended up this way.

I thought... I thought if I hear your voice... I'd be fine.

It's just getting harder for me to pretend it's okay... To pretend like I don't miss you.

How long do we get on these voicemail things? I think it's about four minutes or so… I guess I better go then really.

Look… I hope I'm not intruding your life and that you're getting through this day much better than I am, because I wouldn't wish how I'm feeling right now on anyone, especially not you but… if you need me as much as I really need you.

Call me back.

Please Peter, call me back.