A/N: I'M BACK (with the next addition of Harry vs Voldemort)! The sarcasm is back, the hatred is back…and it's better than EVER!!!!! Let's just get to the main feature…
Disclaimer: I own nothing here.
Harry vs Voldemort II
Dear Harry J. Potter,
I am writing to inform you that your enemy T. M. Riddle, also known as Lord Voldemort, is no longer dead. He has risen again and is intending to write to you. He asks that you reply to this letter using owl post. Once he receives his first letter from you he will reply telling you everything you need to know.
Yours truly
Dear Voldemort,
Good try! But I know that it was you! How the hell did you come back to life?! Anyway, just spill the beans!
Hate,
Harry
Dear Pot Head,
I have finally freed my Death Eaters, if you haven't noticed. I will never tell you how I came back to life! Can some of them write to you?
Hate,
Me
Dear Voldie Poo,
Of course your Death Eaters can write to me! (cough, cough)
Hate,
You know who
Dear Snotter,
How very dare you use my name 'You Know Who'. That is completely wrong and you shall be punished greatly for your misbehaviour.
Hate,
The Punisher
Dear cough Punisher cough cough coughs so much he dies,
I thought your Death Eaters were going to write to me? I was really looking forward to a change of scenery. But it seems I have to settle for the 'scary' Voldemort. Please die again so that I can be freed for you.
Hate hate hate
Dear Deer,
My Death Eaters have all broken their arms, thus they cannot write. I'm sorry to disappoint you. NOT! You are dumb.
Really dislike you,
Volds.
Dear Dearest Tommie,
I really believe you about your Death Eaters – of course I don't. But what was with the stupid 'you are dumb' comment? Man, you really need a wife or smarter friends. Can I ask you – what is 5x2?
Loads of love
Harry-warry
Dear poo head of plops,
5x212, according to Wormtail. Why did you ask me that? See, my friends are smart – they can so sums! Then again…Wormtail is the dumbest thing I know. A baby is smarter than him. My dumb comment was because I was so bored. You really need to write more, otherwise I am bored and have to write stuff like that.
Gangsta V
Dear Wee-Wee Head,
5x210. Wormtail gets a detention for being a total retard. I asked you for the fun of it – plus I just watched South Park – The MOVIE!!!!! I swear you killed Wormtail! So yeah, please tell me if you did or if you are just hallucinating again.
Tell me now!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear sorry, I've forgotten your name,
Yeah, erm, I'm touching Wormtail's disgusting sweaty head at the moment (ewwwwww). I suppose if I said I killed him then I only dreamt it (sadly, why couldn't it be real!!!!?). What is a South Park? Can I go there?
Hate,
The Man
Dear Man,
That's disgusting! Touching Wormtail's head, I mean. Next time you 'kill' Wormtail can you make sure he's actually dead before you tell me. Thank you. South Park is this wicked TV show about these people, just watch the video I've sent you. No, you can't you (at least I don't think so). I've had an interesting idea. Write your next letter in slang – like a true gangter.
Looking forward to your feeble slang attempt,
Harri Potts
Yo! Harri!
Wot up? I kno, Wormtail's head was so manky. I had to proper wash me hands with bare soap. I used up 2 mega bars! Yea, I'll check next time I tink Wormtail's 'dead'. Dat South Park film was heavy, bruv! It was better than Star Wars. I was bare impressed. Do I sound like Gangsta V? I ain't good at slang…or am I?
Bubi bruv
VVV
Yea, dat was an alrite try at slang. But u 2 old mouldyshorts! I no South Park is heavy. I like da songs. Bare funny like. U should see Family Guy, dat's nang! But I want the vid I sent u back. U can't have it, it's mine you div!
Brut brut
S.C.A.R
Dear HHHH,
That wasn't a bad gangsta name actually. I can be N.O.N.O.S.E. No, not really. That wouldn't be right. Where did you get that idea??? And yeah, u r much better at slang than me. I'm sending your video back, only cuz you're a cheapskate who didn't get the DVD!
Bye,
NONOSE (no, not really)
Dear NONOSE,
My name was heavy, I redone it – S.c.A.r. That's interesting. Thank you for admitting that I'm better than you at something. And no I'm not cheap, they only had the video when I brought it! If you're that fussed go and buy the DVD yourself!
Au Revoir!
HP
Dear --,
I did go and buy the DVD – shame! I'm better than you! You still didn't answer my question – where did you get that idea from??????? I refuse to talk to you until you answer me!
Dear Whinge Bucket,
If you really want to know there's a band and they're tag/name is like that – t.A.T.u. Are you happy now? Gosh you such a moaner!
Hope you're happy,
Mr. P
Dear Pot Head (have I used that one?),
Thank you. And OMG! You listen to them people! Those lesbos!!!! It's not even that – you listen to 2 girls with high pitched voices! Are you gay?
You weirdo,
Someone-who-doesn't-think-he-wants-to-talk-to-you-anymore
Dear Baldie!
Yes I do listen to them. Thing for you to note: a) Lots of men/boys listen to them b) One of the girls (Yulia) is actually pregnant, therefore they are not gay/lesbos. C) you are dumb d) I am not gay – you are. So there! You are a weirdo for not liking them. Who do you like?
GOOD BYE
t.A.T.u's biggest fan!!!
Dear Muggle head,
Whatever, I suppose it's no use fighting you. I don't know too much about them. But from what I've seen they are les – I watched some video through some person's window and they were kissing and everything- tell me that's not gay! I like My Chemical Romance. They are heavy – songs like Dead! And The End. But Teenagers is funny. I want to play it to you some time.
MCR Fan
Dear Voldemort of MCR,
What you saw on the video is an act! A-C-T-I-N-G. It's what people do. Now, that song, send it to me. I sent you my film, you send me your song. It'll be fair.
TEENAGER: Harry Potter
Dear Girl-In-Disguise,
I don't do fair, but I really want you to hear it, so I sent it. You won't be disappointed. Of course you don't scare me, like the song says; I just find it highly amusing. Does it amuse you too?
Well?
vOLdEmoRT
Dear weird man,
That was SO funny, I fell on the floor laughing, then I rolled around like an idiot. No, seriously, I did (sort of). I found it EXTREMELY AMUSING. Just out of interest – WHO THE HELL WROTE YOUR NAME??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HarrY
Dear Dude,
That would be Wormtail's work. He is too dumb, how does he remember to breathe? Perhaps that's why he sits there going "1, 2" – so he remembers. I'm so glad you liked the song, now send back my CD!!! (oh, wait…here it is). Thank you for the fast delivery – 5 star ebayer++++++ (that's really what they do, I saw it). Look I'm bored, can you say something interesting? PLEASE!!!!!
Hate you because you're so boring,
Voldemort
Dear Dudett,
Okay…something interesting, something interesting…Oh right. Did I tell you that I am gay?
Huggles and kisses,
Harry xxxxxxxxxx
Dear Gay Boy,
I knew it! No, seriously, are you g-a-y??? I don't believe you. Oh, wait! searches internet Listening to t.A.T.u did this to you!!!! You listened to Mal'chik Gay!!!!! You gay boy! Okay, I believe you know, please spare me…gay people scare me…
I bow down to you (don't hurt me, please!),
Voldemort (xxx?)
Dear low-life,
Ha! Bow down to me! I now know your weakness. And just to let you know, Mal'chik Gay is a great song and when you listen to it you will become what you fear!!!! You shall join the gay side!!!!! Muhahahaha!!!!!
XXXXOOOOO
Harrry
PS. I'm not actually gay, that was a lie. However I wish to scare you, so I shall go and get a boyfriend…Boy George will do just fine… Or you! You could be my man!!!!
Dear crack head,
I hate you. HATE!!! I shall eat you along with my Death Eaters. I shall NEVER join the gay side. Now, can you clear stuff up for me – are you REALLY gay?
V.
Dear ?!£,
Yeah, your name is now a 'swear' word. Dunno, they do that sometimes. I ain't REALLY gay, just a normal gay.
H.
Dear boy,
That's not what I meant!!!! I meant are you actually gay? Not what you meant, or rather thought that I meant, if you understand what I mean and just meant. Am I confusing you? I hope I am. Just answer the first question please.
Dear ,
You appear to be nameless after not signing your last letter. Anyway, I am not ACTUALLY gay. Never tried it to be truthful.
PS. I am not signing, I want to be like you, you are me idol (NOT!). Also, I am not entirely sure what you meant, but I have a good idea.
Dear Caesar,
Don't ask where the name came from, I just heard one of my Death Eaters say it. Thank you for answering that question. Now, I want something that's real and interesting to talk 'Volds',
You have an email address???? What did you day so? You do know that 1. I am wasting my money buying parchment and 2. We are killing trees and adding to pollution!!!!!
Not impressed,
Harry.
PS. It's harry. Pots,
That ain't my real address. It's you on MSN,
Dark Lord.
Hello?
Why are you not online??? Come on!!!!! Don't be sad and gay.
Sorry,
My laptop broke after Wormtail chewed it up and puked on it. You will have to wait for me to rob a bank so that I can get a new one. Can you buy me one for my birthday? It's very hard for me to buy one at the minute. Everyone recognises me at these muggle stores, thanks to that stupid Goblet of Fire movie. Also have you seen the Order of Phoenix adverts? I'm all over them!!!! They all know!!!! Help!!! I blame you!!!! It's not fair, wizards will turn me in too.
Vold.
Excuse me,
You have noted that this July is going mad for us lot, I am also getting this. I can't even go to Tesco without being stopped 6 million times!!!! God! All I wanted was a loaf of bread!!!!!!!!!!!!! I might get you a laptop in a couple of months, when it had all died down. But you must get me the money first. 1 million should do the job.
Thanks,
Harrs.
Okay,
I'll send the money next week. I'll expect delivery in a few months. Now, don't speak to me until you get that laptop.
See you in a few months,
The Voldemort
PS. I don't have time to talk to you, I have film and book places to attend, to sign autographs for my lovely Slytherin supporters.
A/N: Hope you liked it. I know it might of strayed a few times, but I might be more enjoyable that way. You may have guessed that the 3rd one will be in MSN format. Yay! But there will be the odd letter. See you when I'm next bothered! LOL.