Long before he had lost Rose he knew he would. And so as he sat staring at the console, deciding - remembering - the exact date, he did not hesitate. The ultimate rule and he would break it. Had already broken it, he knew, for her. Always for her.
He finds the blue box hidden away among other discarded metallic containers. He knows that hidden inside is a young looking man. He is sat reading books trying hard to take his mind off the younger girl laying in her bed some feet away. He knows as his key fits the lock and the door pushes open the man will hear nothing for hours. The strides are confident and purposeful. He reaches her door and hesitates for the first time tonight. He breaths deeply and opens it, overwhelmed by the scent and the sight of her. He settles at her bedside, legs crossed, staring at her peaceful sleeping form over steepled fingers.
He begins to cry, the gulf inside him wrenching open as he stares at her sleeping face. The smell of her. The love of her. And it stretches further and further and everything he has ever done and regretted, every life he never saved, every kiss he stole, every mistake etched onto history like a diamond on glass, rises up through the void inside him and he watches it all. This is not fair. He's been screaming it at regularly intervals in the last few months, at stars and suns and moons, at gods and devils. This is not fair. She was mine.
He found a planet invaded by dark sickly creatures who tortured the native people and made them slaves. He killed every last one, did a bit of torturing himself. The anger won't subside, all he sacrificed, all he gave and still the universe took his last salvation. One last shot at redemption, torn from his world. He briefly considered tearing out a heart, wouldn't kill him but might shorten his time. Every breath is another reminder and every new face, curious and longing for adventure is an insult to her name.
But here she is. Laying before him like a dream made real, no tears, no screams, no fear. He rocks slightly, his hands cupping his face, stifling the sobs. And then...
She opens her eyes and his hearts stop. How will he explain it, how can he tell her, what will he tell her?
"What's wrong?" She reaches out and catches a tear on her finger tips, then sits up, leans over to him and kisses away the rest.
"I... Bad dream. You were... you were gone. I lost you."
She smiles at this, as though it were the most foolish fear he could have.
"Well, you found me." She pulls back the covers and motions him in. He doesn't think, just kicks off his shoes and shrugs off the jacket. She removes his glasses and rests her head against his chest. His hearts race each other as he wraps his arms around her so tight he worries he might break her, but doesn't stop. She squeezes back, her fingers digging into his chest, her legs wrapped over his.
She wonders briefly if she is dreaming. He has curled up beside her a few times before but never sought her out. And she is sure there is a scar across his arm that she has never seen before. His embrace is so desperate that she looks up at him suddenly and kisses him without a word. It is more than just their friendly kisses and the lightening bolt hits him, that this will happen and the real him, the him from this time will have no idea. She'll never understand and he wants to pull away and crawl back to his Tardis and die and now she's climbing onto his chest, straddling his thighs and he knows it won't stop until it's over.
For her part Rose has convinced herself that this is a dream state, the look on his face so far away, so terrified and there are changes in him, she can't explain what but he is not the same. She kisses him with abandon, safe in the knowledge that this will not haunt her, won't change a thing.
She pulls away from the kiss and looks down at him, slowly undoing the top button of his shirt, then loosening his tie. He flips her over on to her back and strips quickly, he knows that if it takes too long he'll think his way out of it.
She giggles at his haste. Her smile, oh gods, her smile. He stares, open mouthed, and chokes back a sob. She stops abruptly and looks worried.
"What's wrong?"
"You're just...I forgot how much I loved you're smile."
"Loved? Heh, you mean you don't like it any more?" She pouts a little and remembers how much he loved that too.
"How much I love it, always will..."
He feels the fear and the pain creep up through the pit of his stomach and he assaults her lips before he can cry. Then he's moving down her neck, covering her in kisses and licks and bites and all the time murmuring everything he has thought in the last three months.
Love, love. Love you so much. Move the worlds for you. Anything for you. I love you. Love you. Miss you. Oh my Rose, my Rose. Mine. Mine. Mine. I love you, I love you.
She is moaning under his assault, she thinks she hears him say he misses her but puts it down to the dream and whispers her own comforts, declarations, pleas.
My Doctor. He tries to swallow the word from her lips, tries to live inside her words, wrap them around him, tries to banish the pit inside him that gapes open and swallows all light and hope and peace. My Doctor. I love you, kiss me. Oh yes, please, please. My Doctor. Love you so much.
He's pulled the t-shirt that she sleeps in from her warm body and stares down at the naked form beneath him. He's transfix, gripped with anger at the idea that she's been ripped from him and he will never have this moment again.
"Tell me what it is." she whispers. No telepathy needed. She can read him by now. He stares so intently he prays she'll read it in his head and understand. But she is still only a human and she can't guess something so complicated. He lays his forehead against hers and tries to calm the rising sob in his chest. She rests a hand on his shoulder, the other curled over his hip. Why did he come? Why does she have such a grip on his soul? He feels so guilty, knowing that he never broke the rules for his planet, his family, so many thousands before. Only her. Forever her.
Resting on his arm as he kisses her while the other brings her hips into line with his, runs down her thigh and brings her leg to wrap around him. He slides in easily as though she had been waiting for him for hours and she cries out, her hands against his chest, her forehead against his. They move slowly, together, every motion sending shock waves through them both. They kiss and touch and moan and are completely oblivious to the world. He doesn't think when he twists his hips slightly and she screams his name.
She doesn't notice, though he does, the door opening. She is lost as he turns for the briefest second to look at himself in the doorway. Then the door shuts imperceptibly and he returns to her. Running his tongue over her neck, swearing that he will never eat, never drink again, so that the taste will be the last thing he has on his tongue before he dies. No matter how many lifetimes he lasts.
She is screaming louder now, her nails digging into his flesh. Please, please scar me. Please. I want you on me forever. She seems to oblige ripping her nails down his arms as she comes, his name on her lips as she does. He doesn't last much longer and when he comes he feels the anger and the loss and the injustice of the universe pile upon his shoulders.
Without warning he's crying, and it won't stop. He collapses on top of her, his head buried in her sweet smelling skin, her hands winding through his hair hushing him, promising that everything will be okay now. She's here. She's here. He rolls to his side and she follows, they lay face to face, Rose traces her fingers over his body and he runs his fingers over her face. The last time he saw her face she was crying, and all he wanted to do was hold her, touch her like this. She gathers him up in her arms and he lays there, pressed against her fragile heart for a long time. He is listening to her pulse as though it were the greatest symphony, spelling out the secrets of all time.
When she finally sleeps, a smile spread across those lips, he lifts himself from her arms and feels his heels turn to lead. How did he ever leave?
He dresses in silence, kissing her for the last time before replacing his glasses. He turns to the door and walks to the console room.
The Doctor stares for a minute at himself. Not quite a reflection. He knows its done, the timeline broken, the shards will fill the universe. He doesn't care. He is careful not to say a thing, even though his younger self tries to speak but fails. He briefly considers what would happen if he were to kill himself, would it be suicide or homicide, would he be able to stay, would anyone notice? Then he leaves.
Inside his own Tardis he sits in her room and cries for a long time. Screaming until his lungs feel as though they might burst. Listens carefully and swears he hears the Tardis mourning. He cries and cries and he replays a thousand smiles over and over in his head, every word she ever spoke is played out behind his eye lids.
Not for the whole world. I love you. Good thing I'm not going anywhere. Never ever. I love you.
Finally sleep comes to him and leaves him wracked by sobs even in his nightmares.
And it is always the same nightmare. She stands in the white room in a black dress that is blown by the invisible gale force. Her arms are outstretched, reaching towards him and calling his name. She tilts her head to the side, lowers her arms and smiles at him.
"I love you." she whispers but the room is silent now, her dress still, he hears her words. He reaches out toward her, takes one step and falls. Down through the earth, through the sky and keeps falling until his eyes burst open as his own screams wake him.