I hate contradictory statements.

I'm also a hypocrite.

Why?

Well, I have confidence, yet I hate myself. Odd, right? How could those two things exist at the same time?

Like I said, hypocrite.

I am not stupid. When it comes to bodies, I lucked out. I'm tall, nice muscles, and a face that isn't exact hard on the eyes. A lot of people consider me hot, and I have to agree. I can't be bothered to argue.

The hating myself comes from my past.

See, I've ruined so much, far to many things to list, that I can't help but hate what I've become. Some days, I just sit looking at the ceiling, wishing that dad had let me burn on that godforsaken day. Then none of this shit would have happened, and he wouldn't have to sit here feeling sorry for myself.

Well.

Not entirely for myself. I also feel sorry for those who have had to deal with me, with my bullshit. For Dad, Cas, and most of all, Dean.

For his entire childhood, Dean had made sure that I was clothed, fed, and could go to school, and what had I done? I ran off to college, hoping to be normal.

Normal. Ha.

What a fucking joke.

Those four years of college had been the closest thing to normal he had ever achieved, and then yellow eyes showed up and fucked him over. But he probably shouldn't have left anyways. It really was his fault.

It always was.

Well, I guess I'm back to hating myself. I guess I got off topic, but it always comes back to this. You know, when I'm not wishing that I had burned to death in infantry, I imagine ways to kill myself. It's quite disturbing sometimes, even to myself. See, I'll be with Dean, in the Impala, and the urge will hit me to open the door and roll onto the highway, hopefully killing me in the process. Of course I would never do it, but the nag is always there.

Die.

You won't be missed.

Why would anybody miss you?

The boy with the demon blood.

Tainted.

Dirty.

Well, that went dark. I'm not sure why I wrote all this down, but maybe it's a good thing. It's not like anyone will ever find this until I'm long dead.

Hopefully that won't take long.

Anyways, this is Sam,

Signing off.