A/N: So, this is short, and it's meh, and it's interesting, I guess. It may not be to everyone else but –le shrug-. Warning, this is much much much much much much to do with self-harm, and it's something I felt like writing, so, no hate O_O.
She never thought it'd be so simple to make this decision, that it could be this easy to let sixteen, almost seventeen, years go in what would be minutes. But, it was, it was so simple that she was actually feeling the first shred of happiness soar through her in what seemed like forever.
It was funny, when she was younger, every single night before bed she would pray. She would pray because she was terrified that if she didn't, she would die within the course of the night. The young her was afraid to die, she didn't want her life cut short, not even in the most peaceful manner you could think of. She had thought she had so much to live for back then.
That was all gone now.
The un-diagnosed depression had gotten the best of Clare, and she hid it from everyone. She didn't want people showering her with attention that other people who were more deserving needed, just because she had a thick layer of sadness taking over and surrounding her entire being fully. Those other, deserving people were so much worse off than she was.
There was only one way she had been able to think of to help herself, and in the past months, she had taken up to cutting. There was no way she could let anyone find out, though, so she did it in the privacy of her own room; late at night when everyone was asleep, she run the razor across the skin on her biceps in complete and utter bliss. But, that bliss didn't last as long as the scars did, and she wanted more than anything to be able to get out of this once and for all.
She smiled brightly at the perfectly made noose that she'd hung perfectly in the tree deep within the woods.
The only thing she left for everyone was a note placed right in the middle of her pillow on her bed at home. The note only uttered two words, but the two words meant more to her than any belief she'd ever strongly enforced, more to her than getting all A's in her classes had meant to her in the past, and even more to her than the way she wanted everyone around her happy.
A simple "I'm sorry," was all the note contained.
And, she was.
As she sat there during her final moments, using a step ladder to hoist her up and slide the rope around her neck, she kept repeating the two, very crucial, words out loud to herself. They were the two words that she wanted everyone to understand.
She was sorry she wasn't good enough; she could never find herself to be skinny enough or pretty enough. Not good enough that she deserved to be in the presence of any of her beautiful friends and family. To them, she was surely a disgrace, even if they wouldn't say it to her face, she felt it, she knew it. Deep within, she knew that she could never live up to the standards that society had presented her with.
She was sorry that she was shredding her beliefs apart. Taking one's own life was a huge sin, and she would probably rot in Hell for the rest of eternity for what she was about to do. But, in a way, she couldn't help but think that this was truly God's chosen course for her. And, if it wasn't, she belonged in Hell; she had done nothing for the greater good of humanity. Her existence didn't matter; she was just a blip on this entire timeline of the earth. A screw up.
She'd ruined Eli's life, driving him completely insane just so she could be selfish and try to be happy; he'd never really been able to move on, and that was her fault. She couldn't let him take her back, she wasn't good enough, and she'd never be. She had held Jake back from everything and everyone better that she knew he could've have, taking up so much of his valuable time with her useless life strung onto his side.
Of course, KC had been the only smart one, leaving her when there was clearly someone better out there for him, someone worthy of him.
In these, her final moments, she had hoped, prayed, and cried for everyone to go on living happy lives. Lives she knew they were capable of living once she was gone. She just needed to be gone.
She also felt happy, happy that she wouldn't have to go on living for another seventy-something years with this cloud surrounding her, that she would no longer feel so tormented by the overwhelming sadness and grief that was inescapable. Happy that as soon as her body was buried deep underneath earth's surface, no one would have to look at her or be bothered by her again.
It was practically as if her death would finally bring world peace; that her life was the only thing keeping the world from that level.
That's how much of a burden she felt like.
But, she also felt like she didn't matter. Who really cared about her in this entire universe, anyway? Who would actually take the time out of their busy schedules to remember someone as dull as Clare Edwards?
With that, she kicked the step ladder out from underneath her, allowing the noose to catch her fall and tighten abruptly around her frail neck and began to cut off her oxygen.
In these very final moments of her life, everything flashed before her eyes, just like in the movies. She re-watched Darcy spiral don a hard path but still be strong enough to pull herself up. She re-felt all of her feelings as she stumbled through her very first and very brief romance with KC. She saw Alli and Connor struggling to become who they were today, never giving up. She watched her naïve self start writing vampire fan-fiction and falling for the most unattainable guy at school. She re-fell carelessly head-over-heels for Eli, while her parents went through a rough divorce. She re-felt the pain of their break up, watching him suffer. She re-fell for Jake, feeling scandalous and daring as she defied her mother…
She realized all these people had the strength not to give up, to move on, and to persevere, even through everything they had gone through. They had sucked it up, gotten help and went on merrily with their lives. She realized she could, too.
But, she realized minutes too late, because soon reality slipped away, and so did Clare Diane Edwards.
A/N: So, the ending kind of made me tear up, just cause it was too late ;-;. I'm sorry if you guys are fans of Clare and this angers you. I'm also sorry if it is too short, but there's not much you can do without it completely being all over the place and random and confusing. But, you know, review, please? xD.