A very short one-shot set after episode 7 of series 3 of Skins. It's entirely Emily/Naomi, which is easily my favorite (and the best!) pairing of the series. Enjoy!
I can't sleep.
I should be able to, I've had enough pills and vodka to lay out a full-grown man, but I can't get my mind to turn off. I keep running the whole night over in my head, which is a big colorful blur of the drugs, the alcohol, the music, the dancing, someone (or some people) touching me. And my sister, of course, screeching like a banshee in the night, right in my face. I cry. I've cried quite a bit in these last few weeks, my sister and Naomi being the two most prevalent causes. My sister, though. I clutch at my chest through JJ's worn shirt, remembering the fear and panic that gripped me when Katie shrieked at me just hours ago.
You can't be gay!
It's who I am, Katie. I can't help it!
I always knew you were the freak! Why can't you be normal?
Please, Katie. Please…
You've gone and ruined everything, Ems.
We used to be close, if you can believe it. She was my best friend. We did everything together, had each other's backs when either one got caught up in trouble. The moment that Katie discovered the power her tits had over boys, everything was over. I suffered through many a boyfriend and fuck buddy, tried helplessly to sleep when they visited during the night, averted my eyes during the make-out sessions and ignored the insults she began to throw my way. And just like that, my sister Katie was gone, replaced by the hyper-sexed and popular Fitch Bitch.
A quiet snore emits from the person beside me. JJ, bless his heart, fell asleep directly after out friendly little tryst. He's a sweet boy, really, and he's tread on all too often by both Freddie and Cook. The sex was okay, for lack of better or more definite term, JJ performed the way any nervous teenage virgin would, I imagine, and it was over rather quickly. He'll get better with practice, I know, just not with me. Tonight just proved it. I am so gay.
JJ's room is cold. No wonder he wears those little boy pajamas, although it probably has more to do with routine and the tranquility of repetition than anything. I shudder slightly, draw the edges of the blanket around me.
Despite my sleeping friend in such close proximity to me, I feel lonely. I feel like I've lost my sister, who's all but disowned me as a relative, if it weren't for the fact that our faces are so terribly similar. And the one person I want to be around the most, who makes me feel happier than I've ever been, doesn't even know if she wants to be with me or not.
Naomi. I sigh.
I am hopelessly lost in the girl that I can no longer deny it. I didn't really try too hard, though, to be honest. I often see Effy giving Naomi or me glances when we're together, like she knows some great secret that I don't. It's disconcerting, but not unbelievable. I watched Naomi with awe from afar in middle school, and now follow her around like a lost puppy dog in college. I know how ridiculous I seem, hanging on her every word. I do know it. But I can't help myself, especially when she crosses her arms and rolls her eyes in indignation, or chews on a fingernail. Or when she flashes a look of anger at Cook or some other asshole. But especially when she is
I feel my mobile vibrate, but my reaction is slow. What if it's Katie, ready for another screaming fit? But the vibrating stops. Only a text. I breathe a sigh of relief. I raise the mobile close to my face to see who sent it.
Naomi. My heart skips, pounds, threatens to jump out of my chest. Naomi.
Naomi. Her face pops into my head, blonde hair framing a beautiful face, eyes soft and vulnerable, not hard and fenced like she kept them usually. Sitting in the forest, hair damp, lips curved upward in a small smile, looking at me like I dreamed for so long. I miss the feel of her skin and the soft lips. I grasp at my chest again, this time from longing, pain, and heartache.
My breathing has quickened, I pause now to bring it back under control as best I can, so that I do not wake JJ. I count slowly to ten, and flip the phone open.
Ems you alright? i saw Katie drag u out of club.
I suddenly feel once again like bursting into tears. From relief, from sadness, from love. I do love her, though saying it out loud is not something I think I could do right now. Maybe because it makes it too real.
I've put my little toe out of the closet, just the little toe, but it's a start. I'm still scared, but it's a start.
No. I type back, slowly and deliberately. I'm staying at j's tonight. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Okay. Even in text, I can hear her disbelief. See you later, then.
We text goodnight, and I settle back in position next to JJ. I wish it was her next to me, pressed against her soft curves, nestled against warm breasts. I imagine her smell, her even breathing next to me. JJ is bony, I can feel his ribcage, but no matter for now. I feel much warmer, now, actually. I close my eyes and see her again. I smile, and feel sleep begin to overtake me.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.