Even in Death
"Don't ever regret the things between us." Genkai's soft voice floated across the air of Spirit World.
"No Genkai, but it would have been a beautiful life." He removed the dark sunglasses that he had become so fond of in his years as a demon and gave her a soft, sad look that gave her a fleeting glance at the Otto Togoro that she had once known and loved. She hadn't seen those beautiful eyes soften like that in fifty years. It made her heart ache so badly that she felt it might shatter inside her chest.
"You really are a big hearted fool." She whispered more to herself than to him. She knew how responsible he had felt when Kairin had killed his young, inexperienced students. She wanted to hate him for hurting her because of that guilt, but that heart, though full of self loathing, was the reason she still loved him, even as she stood at the gates of limbo and he strode into hell's open jaws about to hurt her again…..for the last time….
She wanted to scream at him, tell him what a bastard he was for leaving her again. She wanted to beg him to stay, cry until her eyes hurt, yell until her throat bled. She wanted to do anything except what she was doing now; watching him disappear into the darkness of hell, ready to punish himself for the darkness that he saw in his own soul.
Her aging, wrinkled eyes opened into the darkness that surrounded her. The day had repeated over and over again in her dreams since its happening, but lately it was as if it was on repeat in her head…..Ever since she had told Kurama, Shizuru, Keiko and the others of her plans to give the compound to them in the inevitable event of her death. Since doing this and thus admitting her own mortality, she had continuously thought about him. She knew that she would soon have to look death in the face, this time for good. But it saddened her that she would forever have to think of Otto as she did in her dreams, soft only in his final moments…and it would be ten thousand years before she would ever his face again….Even in death there was no hope for them to meet again.
Genkai sighed and rose from her futon. Sleep would be quite impossible tonight. She padded through the house, her bare feet scraping on the cold tatami until she reached the back of the house facing the sea. A cold wind washed over her body, finding its way through her clothing to her tough and weathered skin….Winter was setting in. She had once hated winter. In her prime the cold weather stifled her, many times keeping her indoors. She would pace the tatami floors, eager to escape the confining walls of the dojo, continuing until he found her, her feet and hands numb from the cold, unheated home they shared.
"Genkai, come to bed. It's too cold to be here after dark." God, how she had loved hearing his deep booming voice, warm with compassion and youthful, innocent vibrance. And even though she felt like she would suffocate in the small room they slept in, she always followed him back to it, his hand placed not-so-delicately on her head, preventing her escape. There they would nestle themselves under the blankets, he would pull her tightly against him and they would melt together. Even as the night wore on and freezing temperatures threatened their home they stayed warm, entertwined with one another.
Now winter held a different promise for her. Now she enjoyed the numbness that the cold brought. It numbed her heart that she had somehow managed to patch back together each time he had broken it….And it numbed her body that had once been his….
She inhaled a long, deep breath of the freezing air and it scorched her lungs, making her feel strangely alive as she grew ever-closer to death. Once he had promised her everything, a home and a life with him, but he had broken all of those promises again and again. All he had ever given her where broken promises and mangled dreams. Though, she had make her own promises to him. She had vowed to cure him from his madness and, even though she had tried, she had failed to keep that promise; the first time when he had become a demon and the second when he had walked right before her eyes into the abyss of limbo.
"I wish to be a demon of the highest class with power absolute." His eyes became stone as they lingered for a moment on her.
She supposed it had probably been then that she truly realized that his eyes would never look upon her with fondness or compassion, never caress her body with their tenderness or gaze lovingly into her eyes again. He would never wrap his oversized arms around her and pull her into his warm body in the cold depths of the night. Not ever again.
He turned to her silently, stoically, his eyes gazing past her into the distance. "You should consider joining me Genkai. You could keep your power, your beauty.
"You're a beautiful girl Genkai…." That day on the river…. "Here just long enough to know what we want….." She should have seen it that day, but she didn't.
It was all because of her….because of her own youth, naivete and stupidity. All because that day she had been so ignorant to believe that he would choose his love for her over his hatred for himself.
"No Otto…..I won't….." She whispered. She wanted so badly to cry, but knew it wouldn't do her any good. Even as her hert was shattering into thousands of tiny shards she still did not cry. She did not scream. She simply looked up to the man she loved more than anything else. "I won't run from my humanity."
"Hmph." He looked away from her, his face contorting in disgust. "Then I have no use for you."
She stepped off her porch the grass, frosted from the night, stinging her bare feet. She strode toward the sea, her eyes fixed on the sky above her. The stars winked mockingly at her. Even if she embraced death now he would not be waiting for her there. For ten thousand years he would be trapped in hell, everything that made him who he was being stripped away from him.
She finally stopped when she reached the beach. The wind caught her hair and it whipped violently about her face, stinging her ruddy and weathered flesh. The waves crashed vehemently along the shore, angry and violent. She smiled to the heavens….Just like him….
Death's black arms would open to her soon, and though every inch of her being willed her to fight it she wouldn't. she would walk freely into its open embrace, the hope of ten thousand years burning in her heart. She would wait that long for him. Probably longer. Then and only then would she be able to squelch the only burning regret she had. She had never cried for him. Even as he broke down at the river's edge, his strong shoulders falling under the weight of his humanity. Even as he wished to end that humanity and at the same time ripped her heart bleeding and beating from her chest. Even as he walked into the crushing jaws of limbo and tore out the weathered stitches she had so carefully sewn her shattered heart together with…..She had not shed a tear.
Her aged and wrinkled eyes where heavy with sadness and longing as she stared into the stars. "I don't know how but…..I love you…..Dimwit."
Author's Babble: HEY GUYS! I have officially risen from the dead! My buddy blackrose left the state for a couple of years and my muse ran away with her leaving me museless and thus storyless and may I say IT'S GOOD TO BE BACK! well Ok here's the deal with Losing You: I went back and read it and everyone is so out of character and it's so terribly written that I don't know if I can finish but I'm going to give it a shot just for my oh-so-loyal fans who love that fic. I love you guys and don't want to dissappoint you. Also keep an eye out for a new fic. I'm going to write it ALL before I post it so it doesn't end up in the same boat as Losing You. This one is also an HK fic. Now finally to this one shot: I feel like Genkai is many times a very unsung hero in the story. No one gives the old lady enough credit. Personally she's one of my absolute FAVORITE characters because of her astounding strenth mentally and physically. I also feel that her story is one of the most heartbreaking ones in all of Yu Yu Hakusho. Everyone else gets an at least somewhat happy ending except our favorite grandma. Her story is the only one that actually made me tear up. I felt like she needed a dedication to her life with Togoro so I gave her one. I hope it's as emotionally stirring as I tried to make it and please my fans try to forgive me for my long absence. I adore you all! Chao!
-Le Dillio-