What I did during my maths lesson
This is space, with universes glittering in it, specks of life and planets lost in the immmensity. Let's zoom in. This is A'Tuin, the giant turtle flying throught space. Let's zoom in. This is the Disc itself, carried on the back of four enormous elephants. Let's zoom in. This is the land and the cities, this is the flat World of the Disc. Let's zoom in. This is Ankh-Mopork, great and dirty and full of life. Let's zoom in. This is the Unseen University, and this is the room in which Hex works hard, and this is Ponder, the youngest member of the faculty.
Ponder looked at Hex, blankly. He couldn't believe the message he was reading. After Hex had finished scribbling, he wrote: 'Answer ????? Time Domain Error. +++++ Redo From Start.'
Ponder thought for a moment. Then he took the pen and wrote: 'Thanks. I'll see to it.' He waited while Hex took in the message. Then he picked up the piece of paper that the machine had just filled up with it's writting, got up, and left the room. It wasn't going to be fun, but he had to warn Ridcully about this.
***
I was in maths class, and I was deeply bored. I looked at my exercices. I'd done them all like the good student I was. This made me feel even more depressed. The teacher didn't care a damn if we did our homework or not, and most of the pupils didn't bother. I was stupid enough to go on doing them, carefully, day after day. Even so, I was not sitting right at the front like some would have expected. I'd decided that it was the teacher's fault if we didn't learn anything, and I'd also decided that I might as well use this hour to do something interesting. That's why I had retreated at the very back of the class, on my own, where no-one would notice me. I put up my maths book against my pencilcase, so I could hide my book behind it. Then I plunged into one of my favorite novels.
It was a Terry Pratchett. I'd already read it, but I was going through it again, just for the pleasure. It was Night Watch and I was really having fun before the teacher asked me:
Can you just come to the board and do the exercices one to five?
Of course, the teacher never asked anyone else to do the exercices, because no-one had ever done them. Grumbling, I slipped my book away as discreatly as possible and picked up my workbook. As I walked towards the board, something very weird happened.
I blinked.
***
Ridcully was never a good person for listening to explainations. And Ponder wasn't too sure of what was going on either, which made it worse. But everything really went pear-shaped when Ridcully decided to call the other members of the faculty to discuss the problem. Now, all the wizards were completely lost, but they all pretended they understood what was happening, and as they didn't want to look stupid in front of the other wizards who all knew what was happening, they were trying to find solutions. Unfortunately, a solution without a problem isn't always easy to find.
"I say we try and get them here so we can discuss it" said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
"But "they" are us. They're us, but in the future. You can't bring yourself here. You're already there" explained Ponder.
"Well, I didn't build a roundworld. Would of known if I had" grumbled the Dean.
"You can't know, because it hasn't happened yet" said Ponder.
He was getting very weary indeed. They just didn't listen.
"What's the point in making it round, anyway? Everything would fall off it" added Senior Wrangler.
"Ook."
"What I'd like to know, if this happens in the future, why do we bother with it now?" asked Ridcully. "We could wait until it does happen, couldn't we?"
"And it's soon going to be dinner time" said the Dean.
Ponder felt that if he didn't do something very quickly, all the faculty would go and eat and forget about it all. That certainly wouldn't be a good solution, not after all those efforts.
"Look, look, they... I mean, us, we've done something a bit wrong, and that's sent a person, they... that is, us, we don't know who, but we've sent him the past. Or, if you prefer, we are going to construct a world called the roundworld, and we are going to make a mistake that will send someone from this roundworld to the past. He shouldn't be in this time, and he shouldn't be in this world, either. All the magic is leaking through the gap that's been made, and if we don't do anything, there won't be any magic left and the Equilibrium of Froust's Theory is probably..."
Ponder saw that he was losing them. And they'd listened so well up to now! He tried a simpler approach:
"It's going to be a hell of a mess."
It was a bit of simplistic explanation, but it seemed to work perfectly.
"Oh, well, we can't afford that, said Ridcully. Magic leaking all over the place? No, no, no, we must do something about it."
"Ook."
"I didn't do anything" repeated the Dean stubbornly. "I don't se why I should do anything about something I have nothing to do about."
"Because the three golden ones had a sullen breakfast!"
There was a moment of silence. The wizards turned to the Bursar, who stared happily back at them. Ridcully looked at his watch:
"Good god, it's time already? Isn't he a bit early?"
"It's because the Lecturer in Recent Runes gave him this book to read, pointed out Senior Wrangler accusingly. It was all about these golden heroes doing these things, saving the world and whatnot, and then it got very accurate when the princesse had her clothes torn away by..."
"Never! It was just that I thought healthy reading seemed good for him!"
"Didn't look very healthy, going around dressed like that. The princess is going to cach bronchitis."
Ridcully coughed to get the attention back to him.
"So, what are we going to do about this person?"
"Find her decent clothes, to start off with" said Senior Wrangler.
"Actually, I was talking about the..."
"How come you know so much, anyway?" asked the Lecturer in Recent Runes. "Read the book, did you?"
Senior Wrangler went deep red. He was going to answer, when Ridcully bellowed:
"SHUT UP!"
He had silence. Then he smiled, in a worrying kind of way.
"What are we going to do, about the person who's come from the roundworld and the future?"
"Er... I think gettin him back in his own time and world would be a good move" said Ponder.
"Good. How do we do that?"
This time Ponder didn't know what to say.
"If we had his thaumic signature, he would be easy to find. But searching in the dark..."
"Ook, ook eek ook ook."
The wizards exchanged glances. At last, Ridcully said:
"You think so? Well, if nobody's got any better ideas..."
***
I stared. Then I rubbed my eyes. Then I stared again.
This didn't improve things much. So I tried turning, very slowly, to look behind me. Hum... I stayed very still, waiting for the world to explode. It didn't. So I rubbed my eyes again. I couldn't believe my eyes. I didn't want to believe them. I was in Ankh-Mopork. This wasn't possible. But the smell was real. The air, the earth, the dirty water, everything just seemed to correspond. And I recognised it. This wasn't possible, of course, because I'd never seen Ankh-Mopork. But I just knew, as I looked at the paved road, that I was in Terry Pratchett's discworld. I must be dreaming.
What had happened just before this? Math class. I must've fallen asleep. That was the trick. I was dreaming. Okay, it was a very realistic dream. I'd never had a dream and known I was in a dream. And I'd never, ever, felt so desperatly hungry in a dream. My tummy rumbled. That wasn't a typical dream-like reaction for a stomache, either. But I didn't see any other plausible explanation, so I stuck to it.
Someone stopped to stare at me. I stared back. Heavens alive, he was dirty. Slightly smaller than me, too. His beady eyes looked me up and down. I didn't dare say anything. I wondered, for the sake of curiosity, what he was thinking of me. What did he think about a fifteen year old skinny girl in jeans standing in the middle of the road. His expression answered for him: not much. I didn't enter in the category of interesting / rich enough to be worth fooling / pretty enough to be worth looking at or even weird enough to be brought to the press. He just went on his way.
I stayed where I was. I felt I needed to stop and think a bit.
But my stomache felt it needed to be fed. It rumbled again, loudly. What time was it? Dreams rarely had time, or watches, or anything logical, but then, this was a particular dream. I glanced at my watch. One o'clock. In the morning or in the afternoon? If I had been in maths, one pm seemed more logical. And it was broad daylight, and if I had really been in Ankh-Mopork at two o'clock in the morning, I'd be dead by now. That thought brought me to another one. Okay, this was a dream. Had to be a dream. Could only be a dream. But then... Maybe it'd just be a good idea to find a place to sleep and something to eat? And a safe corner to huddle up in? Just in case this dream decieded to last until sunset...
Before I moved, I quickly went through all I posessed. It was very quick, given that I didn't have much. My watch, my clothes, and... my watch, my clothes. Not even a math book. Well, better little than nothing. Oh, and five cents in the bottom of my pocket. But, if my fanatical reading of Terry Pratchett had taught me anything, I seemed to remember than Ankh-Mopork was a city that liked gold. And with no money, I wasn't going to go very far. Now, who could help me? I liked the idea of going and knocking on Granny Weatherwax's door. Why not have fun, after all? If I was in a dream, I'd better make the best of it. But then, she lived in Lancre, and it was very, very far away from Ankh-Mopork. Hum... No knocking on the Unseen University's door, because before I'd get to Ponder, or Ridcully, or someone I knew from the books, I'd get thrown out. I wasn't going to see the Times. I didn't trust them, altough they were nice enough to read about. And I'd better avoid Vetinari, too.
That left the Watch. I'd quite like to go there, but in my mind, Vimes went with Vetinari. And Vetinari went with Vimes. And even though I really loved reading about Vetinari, and was fond of him as a character, I wasn't certain I wished to meet him just now. No. Even though this was a dream and my only chance to ever meet him. I'd start off with the nice guys: Vimes, Angua, Carrot, Cheery... Afterwards, maybe I'd feel like visiting, admiring, and discovering. Right now I was just hungry.
It started raining. It was just a slight drizzle, but I was very cold. I felt utterly depressed. This wasn't how adventures were supposed to go. You weren't suddenly plonked down in Ankh-Mopork with nothing except your clothes and five cents. I didn't even had a coat: I'd taken it off in class. The rain was running down my face and my neck. If I didn't move, I was going to be really soaked. And I'd spent nearly five minutes in Ankh-Mopork, the city I dreamed of visiting (that was the least you could say) and I still hadn't takent one step. Where was the adventure, the fun, in all that?
To hell with it! I thought, and I walked forward. My shoes made a squelching noise. I tried avoiding the largest pieces of debris. Well, what next, I wondered, as I wandered through the crowded roads. Nobody was paying me much attention. They were all getting out of the rain's way. I felt it was a bit weird, and I was also a bit vexed. I was an outworlder, after all. They could pay me the minimum of respect by at least gaping at me or calling the Watch, or the press, or Vetinari...
Ah. Maybe it was a good thing nobody noticed me. Well, I'd better find Carrot. He was a really nice chap, if he was like in the books, and he would feed me and lodge me, and give me time to round up my thoughts. I needed that. I needed to feel the reality of the place. If this dream lasts long enough, I'll pay a visit to every discworld character, I promised to myself. And I'll really enjoy this trip. But right now, it's too much all in one go.
To start off with, as I was searching for Carrot in the mass of people, I looked at the Discworld people. They seemed to speak a kind of weird English, that reassured me. I could always ask for help. I met a few dwarfs, and tried not to stare. I found them really fascinating. They looked like if they'd been humans that a giant had compressed. There was as much material as for a human, but it was more concentrated. The trolls where marvels. Rocks, yes, enormous rocks. And even the humans where special. The clothing, the postures, the attitudes...
But I still, very carefully, applied myself to not being noticed. I didn't meet people's eyes, I slipped pass, and even my foreign clothes where soon so dirty that they just melted in the background. I must have looked like some sort of particularly thin and dirty beggar. Well, that was better than looking like a rich and stupid stranger, hey?
The day went on, my jeans got soaked, and I didn't find Carrot. In the end, around seven o'clock, I was so desperate I would have stopped anyone I recognised and asked for help. If I'd spotted Dibbler, or even Foul Old Ron, I would have cried for joy. I was starting to catch up with a familiar friend: big worry. For one thing, my hunger was dragging me down. And for another, I really didn't want to be alone in Ankh-Mopork when night fell. I think the moment my heart really sank was when I recognised the road I'd arrived in.
I caught an Ankh-Moporkian by the arm, and when he turned a look of pure disgust on me, I said:
I need to find Captain Carrot, of the City Watch.
The man pulled his arm away. I wasn't strong enough to stop him. He tried to get away, so I followed him closely and insisted:
"The City Watch. Please."
He didn't even glance at me. Starting to feel a bit vexed, I decieded to change method.
"Okay. Well, I'm cold, I'm wet, I'm bored, and I'm going make your life as disagreable as I can if you don't tell me where the Watch is."
"I don't know any Cap'tain Carrot" grumbled the man.
He slipped away from me. I stood stunned for a moment, with a nasty feeling creaping over me. At which point of the discworld history was I? I mean, was Vetinari the Patrician yet, or not? Had the Watch passed through Guards! Guards! yet, or not? Or worse, was I after all the books I'd read? What if Carrot was long-since dead? Or what if he was only just born, this day, in some far away mountain? What was I going to do?
"You seem at bit at loss. Can I help you?"
***
Someone saw her arrive. There's always someone.
In this case it was a small man, who didn't like his wife. They lived together in a kind of mutual hatred that balanced itself much better than love. He hadn't been doing much. He was trying to sell his fruits and veg, only one doller for the tomatoes, ladies and gentlemen. He saw a person, that he thought of as a boy. After all, he had short hair, and trousers on. He didn't really pay much attention. He just looked, curious, at this person who'd come out of nowhere. After looking around in quite a lost way for some time, the outworlder had walked away.
And so the seller just went on with his job.
***
I turned to see a big, big guy, with orange hair, and... built like a carrot. Nice and strong on the top, thinner near the legs, and with this large, friendly smile that nobody could miss. Some of my fears, at least, sank away.
"Captain Carrot of the Watch?" I asked.
I don't know what would have happened if he'd answered "no". I probably would've gone bonkers. I needed, at this moment, someone that I recognised and that I felt would protect me. He said yes with his head, his eyes, his smile.
"I've been looking for you all day!" I said, relieved.
He smiled again, and took my hand, very gently.
"Well, I'm here. What do you want?" he asked. "Did you get lost?"
"Er..."
And what did I say now? No, I'm not lost, I just come from another world and I'm feeling peckish. Or maybe Yeah, do you know the way to England, please?
"Yes, sort of. I don't know how to get home and I'm dead hungry. I haven't got any money."
I felt this last statement should be plainly said, just so he knew that looking after me wouldn't include me paying back. At least, not in coins. But if he did get me out of the crowded roads and stopped me getting murdered in my first night at Ankh-Mopork, I would be very grateful. How I would help him in return, though, still needed a bit of thought.
"Would you care come with me?" he asked. "I think I could find you something warm to put in that stomache."
So I followed him, with the blind trust of someone who has read about Carrot and believes in what he has read.
He took me into Ankh-Mopork, really into it, right in it's depths. The wet and cold air, the glistening cobbles, the patter of discreet feet. He guided me with a firm hand through the Ankh-Moporkian streets. We got chatting, him a soft, deep voice, me with a slightly hysterical edge, because I was getting very tired indeed. I needed a bit of a talk, and so I probably said more than I should have done. I don't think he understood everything. But he understood I was lost and alone in a big city, like he had been when he first came. He told me about the dwarfs, and the mines, and the Watch. We talked and talked, and finally agreed than living in Ankh-Mopork was like changing life. If our lives were games, coming to Ankh-Mopork was like passing from chess to football: both where hard, but one didn't give you time to think.
We arrived at a take-away Klatchian restaurant. We bought something like a pizza, that I recognised vaguely. I ate it with all my appetite, while thanking Carrot and gorging myself on his talk. He showed me his world, made me meet all these new, fantastic people. I forgot most of the names, I'm afraid, but I clearly remember the faces. I can still see, when I close my eyes, the brown Klatchian face shining with sweat, the dwarf frowning through the most bushy eyebrows ever, the young girl laughing, one hand on the door and the other one outstreched to catch the rain.
The restaurant was small, but crowded. People stacked themselves all around the light and smell of food, soaked by the rain. Although they were in the rain and the cold, they were happy to be in the rain and the cold near the light, rather than in the rain and the cold far from the warmth of bodies and laughter.
How could Terry Pratchett possibly ignore such a place in his books? Why did he never meation this little take-away? Probably because such a place exists everywhere, and reading about doesn't do anything: one must go, and search, and find the perfect place. And that place can only be perfect on a rainy, cold day, after a long walk and a lot of worries.
I was warm, and fed, when Carrot finally brought me to the Watch. I suppose he didn't have anywhere else to bring me to. He could hardly take me to his house, could he? And although the Klatchian man was very nice, I definitely wasn't going to stay with him. I'd found Carrot, and I wasn't letting him go.
That's how I arrived in a crowded Watch, with loads of dwarfs, trolls, and probably a wherewolf if I had a good look. At that point, my brain started working. It had taken a bit of time to switch itself on, to accept the reality of the Discworld. But now, it was turning happily on well-oiled hinges. First things first: I needed to know when I was.
"Your superior is Samuel Vimes, is he?" I asked Carrot.
He smiled at me.
"Yes, he is. Now, let me see if I can find him..."
"He's married to Sybil, isn't he?"
"Why, yes... Follow me, his office is just there..."
"Have they got any children?"
Carrot glanced at me:
"Not that I know of" he answered.
That meant that the Fifth Elephant hadn't happened yet. I'd already learnt that... Having read the books in total disorder, it didn't help me much, but at least I would avoid looking too stupid by asking "how did the trip in Uberwald go, then?" And Thud hadn't happened yet, either. That was worth knowing. Was Jingo before or after Sybil gave birth? Damn, I couldn't remember.
Carror was trying to find Vimes. I followed him dreamily. A glance at my watch taught me that it was only five o'clock. I was feeling completely empty. All my energy was wandering somewhere else, possibly in an other world.
Hey, think about this other world stuff, will you? said my brain. Do you think it's normal, coming in the discworld without even trying? I'm dreaming, I answered to myself. You know that's not true. So how did you arrive here? Why? Was it conscious? Have you become mad? Are you dead and this is afterlife? Or...
Another kind of logic takes place here. Think like a person of the Discworld. Accept the concept of magic, because you won't find anything else that suits this situation. Where is there magic, in Ankh-Morpok? In the Unseen Univercity. Hadn't you read something, long ago, about Ponder creating a world with Hex's help? Something about a round world, which Ridcully thought was a really stupid idea? Yeah... Memories came and fitted themselves in my brain. I knew where to go, what to do, if I wanted to get home. Ponder would put me back in my world if he knew I'd come out. Strangely, although nothing in my situation had changed (I was still sitting on the stool in the Watch where Carrot had told me to wait) I felt much better at the idea that I could, if I really wanted to, go home. The thought had something safe about it.
If I could go back home, that meant, of course, that I was going to avoid going home until I'd had my share of fun.
Well, well, well... So this is what they call an adventure. It's very, very wet. But, look at the bright side, I didn't need to do any maths.
***
Ponder was feeling very nervous. He'd been asked to explain to Lord Vetinari what the problem was, but although he did his very best, the steady looks of the Patrician were making him nervous.
"So... If I have fully understood the situation, you have made a mistake that puts the whole magic world in danger."
"We... we are going to make, sir."
"Isn't there a way to avoid making that mistake?"
"I'm afraid sir, as we don't even know what the mistake is..."
Vetinari crossed his fingers and peered other them at Ponder. The poor wizard felt the world give way around him. Ridcully was going to arrive any minute now. He'd sent Ponder first "just so you can explain, I'll be there in no time". Although he didn't love him dearly, Ponder wished the archancellor would arrive.
"How were you warned of this... disturbance?"
Ponder gulped.
"Hex."
Vetinari gave him a blank stare.
"Hex" repeated the Patrician.
"Yes sir" said Ponder.
Leaning back in his chair with a sigh, Vetinari said:
"Although I imagine this word explains everything, I must admit my lack of knowledge. Who is Hex, and how is it he warned you?"
"Hex is more a thing than a person... it's a kind of magic machine, and it, as it were, well, you see, it can write, and they... I mean, us from the future, I mean, me from the future, I wrote to myself to explain what happened and that we should deal with it."
"Carefully avoiding all explainations about what was, and how can be avoided, and also probably who made, the mistake."
Ponder felt that he was putting his hand in the tigers mouth while pulling his tail. He just whispered back, in the secret hope that if he spoke softly enough, his words might not be heard:
"Yes sir..."
"And you were the person warning yourself?"
"Yes sir..."
Ponder wasn't trained for this. It was Ridcully's job to speak to the Patrician! He was just a member of the faculty, and better whith machines than with people in the best of cases!
"So, you are responsible for this lack of information?"
Drumknott apeared as if by magic next to Vetinari. Actually, for Ponder, it was worse than magic. Magic he could deal with. Silent walking and stares, that he didn't know how to handle.
"Mustrum Ridcully is in the waiting room."
"Do let him in, said the Patrician. I have.... a lot to say to him."
When Ridcully came in, Ponder immediately relaxed. For one thing, it was he who got all the glares. Although "glare" wasn't the right word. A glare has an intention. Vetinari's stares had no intention whatsoever: they just went straight through the mind.
Ridcully didn't listen. Ponder was glad to realise that it wasn't something that the archancellor kept specially for him. He didn't listen to one word the Patrician said. Oh, he did pick up one or two things here and there, often the metaphors, and then getting him out of them was extremely tricky. Ponder could only listen in awe at how Vetinari painfully steered the conversation back on the subject at hand, avoiding the most dangerous metaphors, and actually managing to reach a decision.
It's war, thought Ponder. Ridcully is a terrible enemy, with the traditional siege weapons: Deafness and Stupidity. I'm a lost corporal in all that, but the Patrician is a general.
"So you understand we need you and your Watch to put a hand on that bloke before the whole magic world goes bonkers, don't you?"
"Indeed. But how, may I ask, will we recognize one man..."
"Or woman" slipped in Ponder.
"Exactly. How can we recognize one foreign person in the midst of Ankh-Mopork?"
It was suicide. Ponder said it neverless:
"Er... supposing that he or her did arrive in Ankh-Mopork, sir."
The Patrician sighed deeply.
"This is going to be complicated."
***
"He isn't there, sighed Carrot as he came back to me. I've left a word on his desk."
I smiled at him.
"Don't worry about me, please. I'll manage. If you can just let me sleep in the Watch, maybe with the horses, I can make do until sunrise."
"And after that?"
I shrugged.
"I haven't got the faintest idea, but I trust you."
He smiled back at me, in a more worried way. One or two watchmen had stopped to look at me. I wondered why. Did I look foreign, or just very tired? Carrot pulled a chair and sat to face me. He looked grave and concentrated:
"Where do you come from?"
"Another world."
"More precisely?"
"England."
"Where's that? Near Quirm? Sounds like Quirm, but you look like someone from Klatch."
"In an other world."
Carrot gave me a steady look.
"By that you mean?"
"Probably not on the Discworld. I'm sorry."
He was nice, but even he had limits to what he could take in. He got up again.
"I really think Commander Vimes must see you, he said. In the meanwhile, come with me."
He took my hand, gently, and took me to a tall girl. One look at her beauty, her long dark hair and her eyes made me know who she was. Those eyes were those that monkies had learnt to fear. Those eyes were the ones you found in the woods, just other a pair of sharp teeth. I had loved wolves, when I was quite a young girl, and I'd had loads of posters in my room. They all had the same look. It was a look that said: "I'm glory and intelligence and I know it. I have the power to destroy you, the power to pursue you, and you only have the power to fear me.
Do you really believe it's worth running?"
"Angua" I muttered.
"Do we know each other?" she asked.
Her wolf eyes turned very human and motherly like. They were the eyes of genuine concern. She wasn't a bad person, I knew, but just for a moment, I'd had to face evolution. It wasn't a nice feeling to be on the bottom side.
"N... no, I don't think you know me. I know you, though."
"How come?"
She looked up at Carrot with a question in her silence.
"This girl's called Lily. She's lost, and alone, and she doesn't seem to come from Anhk-Mopork. I'm going to try and find Vimes and ask him how we can help her. Would you mind taking care of her until tomorrow morning?"
I yawned hugely while saying:
"Don't worry too much about me... I should manage on a sack of hay..."
"Did you ever sleep on a sack of hay?" asked Angua doubtfully.
"No, but..."
"Did you ever sleep in something that wasn't a comfy bed?" she went on.
"Not really, but..."
"Have you ever left your parents for more than a week?"
"Er.... a week and a half, does that count?"
She stared at me.
"How old are you?"
"Fifteen."
"And do you work, or know a trade?"
"Not as such..."
I saw a look passing between her and Carrot. This is some kid of a rich and loony aristocrat, that doesn't know anything about life.
"Look, I know I'm just a stupid kid. But I'll do my best to be a slightly less stupid kid."
Carrot took my hand gently.
"We never said you were stupid."
"Surviving in Ankh-Mopork with so little experience could be called talent" said Angua.
Carrot gave her a dark look, while I wondered if what she'd just said was a compliment. I answered:
"I didn't need to survive on my own for very long."
Angua shrugged.
"And were did you say you came from?" she asked.
"An other world."
"I can see that, she sneered. Another world on the other side of the Ankh? Which house?"
Carrot tried to say something, but she stopped him.
"Listen, you're lovely, but you can't always look after kids having fun at scaring their parents. Where do you come from?" she asked as she turned to face me.
"England. Totton. Another world."
"Look, we can't spend all our time..." started Angua.
Okay, I thought. You want proof? You're sure? Well, you're going to get it.
"You're the Watch's werewolf. You became friends with Cheery although she hated werewolves, because you saved her life. Cheery is the first real girl-dwarf. At the beginning of the Watch, there was only Carrot, Nobby and Colon. With Vimes, of course, who was a drunk. They fought a dragon and Vimes fell in love with Sybil and stopped drinking. I know... that Carrot's the heir to the throne, that he's a dwarf... Oh, and when Nobby was a kid he was a spy for John Keel. And Fred's married."
Silence. The whole Watch had frozen. Eyes were bearing down on me. Angua didn't move one finger, but I felt the wolf growl in the depths of her beautifull face. Carrot had a look of concern about his face. Most of the Watch was just staring, trying to understand where this kid had picked up all this information. I think the most impressed was Nobby Nobs, for the simple reason that at my age, I couldn't possibly have been born when John Keel was alive. Let alone know anything about him.
They weren't saying anything. They were digesting what I'd just said. Then, slowly, the world started turning again. I felt a firm hand grab my arm and pull me away. Angua wasn't exactly brutal, but she didn't bother with being soft either. She took me to the stables and pushed me against the wall. If I hadn't known she was a werewolf, I wouldn't have noticed. But her hair seemed to have slightly more volume than before, and a cold shiver went down my back. What happened if I died in this... dream? No, it wasn't a dream. What happened if I died? Did I go back to my world, or did I... well, die?
"How come you know all that?" she snarled.
"Mumbleotherworldmumble."
"What? Speak up!"
I cleared my throat:
"I come from another world. I told you so."
"Didn't your other-worldish powers tell you to shut up about Carrot's heritage?"
That made me stop and think. Well, of course, logical, it must've been a secret. But, then... I'd read the book a long time ago, how on earth could I remember stuff like that?
I was deeply relieved to see Carrot arrive behind Angua. He wasn't go to kill me, and he'd stop her doing it.
"Don't worry" he said.
Angua turned round, something swelling up in her throat. I cut in:
"Look, I'm really sorry, I didn't think. But what we could do, is, well, say I'm some kind of madwomen and that I shouldn't be listenend to. And for the people I talked about, that's Cheery, you, Carrot, Nobby, Colon... Well, you can tell them to keep a secret? They're trusworthy, no?"
Carrot shook his head, gently. But Angua just laughed:
"Nobby, trustworthy?"
"We-ell... You can trust him with your life, although you'd be foolish to trust him with a dollar."
That phrase came straight out of a Terry Pratchett book, so it could only be true. The two others thought a bit. Then Carrot gently pushed me back into the Watch and asked me to wait there for him and Angua. I stayed on a little stool, looking around me. I got quite a few weird glances, and I started feeling really stupid. Why did I start babbling about all I knew of the Watch? I should of stopped at "I know Nobby spied when he was a kid for John Keel" and that would've been enough. He would of said, "yes, how do you know that, you weren't born?" and I could've answered "believe me now?" Oh, well, I'd been dumb and it was too late to do anything about it. I stared miserably at my knees.
Something that could only be a hand dumped a mug on them. I looked up. Nobby. Ye gods, that was even better than seeing dwarfs. I tried to look away, and couldn't. Heavens alive, what did his parents look like?
"Thanks" I muttered.
"S'pleasure" he answered.
He sat down next to me, on a stool. I had a glance at my tea. It looked the normal tea color, muddy brown. One could only assume it'd been done in the historically famous Watch teapot. I sipped it, and nearly strangled myself. I was used to cacoa, not to strong tastes.
"Any good?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, lovely... Thank you..."
I forced another sip down, and then dared a comment:
"Hot... Very hot..."
"Yep."
I stopped, and felt stupid. Small talk? In a place like the Discworld? What was I going to say to my friends, who loved Terry Pratchett nearly as much as me? Oh, yeah, I went to the Discworld. What did I do? Chatted with Nobby. What did we talk about? How hot my tea was. What do you mean, "waste"?
"What is it like?" I said.
"Uh?"
"What is like, living here?"
Nobby shrugged:
"A bit like living everywhere, I'd say."
Good answer. I should be a bit less stupid, for a change.
"I mean, being in the Watch and everything?"
"Dunno. The pay isn't bad."
Okay. What did the young heros do, first thing they came in the world? They learnt how to hold a sword the right way round. I might as well learn how to defend myself in the Discworld. That way I could walk in Ankh-Mopork without being bashed over the head. As Angua said, it was a real miracle I hadn't already been beaten up by a group of members of the Thieve's Guild.
"Could you teach me to fight?"
"What? Now?"
"Why not?"
"Okay. Come along. Wannabe in the Watch, do you?"
"I'll see."
We went out of the building. Nobby flung me a wooden piece of stick in the hands, and I started wondering if I'd made a very good choice of teacher. Just before starting, I thought of something. I stuffed my hand in my pocket.
"Look I only had five cents, could you give them back to me?"
Nobby looked sheepeshly at me. I looked down at my wrist.
"And my watch to, please, although I'll be dammed if I know how you took it off without me noticing."
He gave me back my two only items.
"'Just wanted to see what kind of a foreigner y'were. What money's that? Worth lots?"
That comes from another world, but it's only five cents.
"'Cor. Another world's five cents. Could be worth loads here."
"If you teach me anything worth knowing, I'll give them to you."
Nobby smiled. At least, I hoped it was a smile. It looked very much like a sneer. I'd done a very little bit of judo when I was a kid, like everyone else. Let's just hope it was going to help me a bit here.
Nobby plunged foward. I avoided him with difficulty, and tried to bash him on the head with my wooden sword. He avoided it.
Then he cheated. That's how I won.
***
Carrot and Angua had finally managed to find a came back in the Watch house, but the outworlder wasn't there anymore. Carrot looked around, worried, before asking:
"Where is she now? Does somebody know?"
Cheery slipped in the conversation:
"She's outside having Nobby to teach her how to fight."
Carrot had been moving. He stopped. Angua hadn't been moving. She froze.
"What has she asked Nobby?"
***
A vegetable seller was drinking himself into a very bad mood. That way, he'd be strong enough to fight away his wife. The Broken Drum respected this kind of drinker. He was a regular, so nobody minded him. And he never had more than a tiny bit of money on him. He could just go on gibbering nonsense for as long as he wanted.
"And today, saw a really weird thing, don'tcheknow."
"Hum."
"This bloke, just popped out of nowhere, in the middle of the street. Looked kind of foreign, if you wanna know. Weird bloke, weird clothes... Just appeared, like that!"
The seller snapped his fingers. The barman wasn't really listening. But others were.
Two and a Half was one of Vetinari's best spies. He'd been given an impossible task, which only meant that he'd get a bit more money than usual. Two and a Half was sure to find out where, who, and when this outworlder had appeared. He never missed any information. Although he wasn't a violent man, Two and a Half was respected and feared. His nickname came from the fact that he was very impatient. When he said "tell me at three or I'll kill you" he never got to three. He counted "One.... two..." and then he killed his ennemy. No, he defenetly wasn't patient.
(Or, as some said, he just didn't know how to count up to three. The second possiblity was probably the right one.)
But he was good at listening. Listening wasn't boring. Listening was what he was born for.
"What did you say you saw?" he asked as he walked foward.
***
I was really vexed. Of course, I'd always known I was skinny and not very girl-like, and my short hair and trousers could've fooled the very stupid, but... Well, I was a girl, okay? I wasn't a boy. There's something insulting about Nobby trying his special kick on you when you're supposed to be a woman.
Well, it had made me win. He'd been so surprised that I wasn't folded in two by his kick, and he annoyed me so much, that I found enough energy to beat him up. Not exactly "beat him" but I did run after him with my wooden sword, repeating:
"I'm girl, got that? A girl!"
"Oi! Okay, girl, understood, girl, sure, oi, girl, okay!"
I'd forgotten about being tired. Now, I was only angry. A few Watchmen were watching with round eyes. Carrot came up to me.
"Er... Everything all right?"
I turned to him, enraged:
"Look, I'm called Lily, do you think that's a boy's name?"
Angua understood first. She started giggling. I wasn't sure I found it very funny. She came up to me and shook my hand:
"That was great. You know, that'll teach Nobby not to always rely on his famous kick."
Even Nobby Nobbs was laughing now. I cooled down. He nearly made me explode again by asking:
"So, did I teach you anything?"
"You want my five cents?"
"Yeah."
"But you didn't teach me anything! Except, maybe, that boys are all stupid!"
"Useful to know."
I stared at him, but I wasn't very good at it.
"Okay. You've won. But have you still got the Watch badge you made out of soap when you were a kid?"
That stunned him.
"If you have it, I'll be so happy. I'll gladly give you my five cents."
"And your watch?" he asked hopefully.
"Everyone is allowed to dream."
We shook hands on it. I got a little soap badge that I slipped in my pocket. That was more like it. That was what should happen on an adventure. And now I had something to keep. I could prove what had happened.
Who would dare tell me I'd made the badge myself? Everyone? Not a very solid proof, but I'd know. That's what counted. Oh, and I had to keep an eye on my watch.
***
The seller talked to Two and a Half.
Two and a Half talked to Vetinari.
Vetinari talked to Vimes.
Vimes went back home and talked to Sybil, but not about the same thing. Whoever this outworlder was, he could wait till morning.
I could. Cheery took me to her house. I loved it. Being with a dwarf was an adventure all by itself. I tasted dwarf bread and nearly lost all my teeth. I ate lots of other stuff, that tasted weird. Cheery, after I'd insisted, sang one or two dwarf songs. Gold really was something important for them! I slept soundly, although my dreams were a bit confused. This other-world thing had got my brain turning the wrong way round.
When I woke up, Cheery was making something to eat. We ate together. I felt on great form, and ready to conquer the world. What I really wanted to do, just because I was mad and curious, was to eat one of Dibbler's sausages in a bun. When I asked Cheery, she looked at me in a funny way, but accepted. I thanked her right up to the point when I'd eaten one of Dibbler's buns, then I asked her why she hadn't tried to stop me.
"Oh, come on, you managed not to throw up on your clothes."
"Yeah, but, you should've warned me..."
"You seemed to know what you were in for."
"Okay, but I'd only read about them, and it's got nothing to do with the real taste."
"It's always a good experience."
I nearly suffocated:
"Good?"
"Interesting."
"Yep. Definitely was interesting."
I said the last word with such disgust that she laughed. We were in quite a good mood when we arrived at the Watch house.
I went and sat in a corner, eyeing everyone. Cheery got to work. I saw different members coming in and out. At some point, a clerk all in black came in and asked to speak to Commander Vimes. I looked at him thoughtfully. When he went away, I wondered if he had Vetinari's emblem on him. Hard to know: black on black doesn't show up very well.
Commander Vimes came down from his office. He didn't so much as glance at me. And what he said made me guess he hadn't spotted me."
"Everyone up, it's time to get moving. We've got to find this weird kid of some sort, wearing a purple top, short brown hair, blue trousers. Got to find him, or her, alive. This means quick, because he's been around for a day already. A night in Ankh-Mopork, when you don't know about the place... His lordship wonders where this child comes from, apparently from another world, in short, it's strange."
Vimes just stopped for breath:
"Angua, I'll need you to try and smell anything foreign aroung here. Carrot, you'll go with her. Fred, Nobby, you have a go around the Ankh, it's a bit to smelly for Angua. I'll go with Cheery. When you find her, send a pigeon. Everyone's ready?"
There was a wierd silence. Nobody moved. I turned to Vimes. He looked back. Then slow comprehension dawned on his face.
"Oh... You're...."
"Lily. Outworlder. Nice to meet you."
We stared at each other. Then I said:
"I'll go where you want me to go. But just make sure the Patrician doesn't throw me in the scorpion pit, will you?"
I didn't mean it, and he guessed it. He shrugged, and answered:
"You're well informed for an outworlder."
"You wouldn't believe how well" said Angua.
***
Carrot and Vimes came with me to Vetinari's palace. We had to wait for a good ten minutes in a white room with green vases and flowers. The whole palace was tastful, but somewhat simple. I couldn't say I cared. I was melting with fright at the idea of meeting the tyrant, Vetinari.
He let us in. I saw him, and recognised him. More than any other character, I felt in my bones his reality, his steady look. I stared back, complety stunned by him, and very worried indeed. I wondered if the dream was going to stop now, abruptly, with Vetinari's black eyes.
"I see you have managed to find the child."
"Yes, sir, said Vimes. Carrot found her yesterday evening, sir."
"And you failed to bring her until this morning?" asked Vetinari, with an inch of reproach.
I wanted to tell him that if he was so impatient to see me, he could have let us in immediately instead of letting me panic at leisure in the waiting-room. But then, I decided that survival was more important than anything else.
"Anyway, it doesn't really matter. Have you identified which country he comes from?"
This time, I spoke before thinking:
"I'm sorry, sir, but I am unfortunately a girl. I tried very hard to be to a ten-year old boy, but I just don't seem to manage. I am fifteen, and I'm a girl. This is very annoying and leads to confusion, I know, but I can't do anything about it."
Vetinari looked at me, his expression blank. I went red, then white, and then melted into a little piece of nothing as he stared.
"I am most sorry to have vexed you, he said slowly. I am glad to know you speak Ankh-Moporkian. Communication is going to be very much improved. Commander Vimes, Captain Carrot, you can leave."
They started protesting, but then Vetinari looked at them. It wasn't even a glare: it was a long, thoughtful look. Vimes muttered:
"I suppose we've done our part in this affair."
"Not completely, smiled Vetinari. I would be most obliged if you would stay in the waiting-room, Vimes. I shall have a little chat with you after I've spoken with this young girl."
The way he said "young girl" was nearly insulting. I shut my mouth hard, bitting my lips so I didn't say anything I would regret. I had to be careful at this point. Vetinari could make me do anything.
Vimes and Carrot left. I stayed there, standing in front of Vetinari, repeating to myself that he had never killed anyone in the books.
"You are livid and you are breathing with difficulty. May I wonder if you have any reasons to feel guilty?"
"I don't mind if you wonder" I said, in an attempt to suicide.
Vetinari looked up at me. I couldn't chase the thought that I had in front of me a tyrant who always got his way. Even if I knew, or thought I knew, that he wasn't really the violent kind, I couldn't stop my heart pounding.
"So funny, he said. Aha."
I took a deep breath, conscious that I was becomming redder. (If that was possible.)
"Excuse me, sir, but I'm alone face-to-face with a tyrant for the first time of my life. Making stupid jokes probably isn't the best way to survive, but I must say that I'm too worried to think straight. Sir."
I nearly said "I'm too panicked" but then decieded that Vetinari could guess that on his own and I didn't want to seem more stupid than I already was. The tyrant wasn't saying anything. He was just looking at me.
"You're going to win this one, because I'm not good at staying silent. Sir, I know you can manipulate me into saying, doing, thinking whatever you want. So I'm just going to ask you: what do you want?"
He sighed.
"What makes you think I absolutely want you to do something?"
"Er..."
He got me on that one. I stayed looking at him pitifully.
"I was wondering, as I asked Comander Vimes, which country you came from?"
"I come from another world."
He raised an eyebrow in such a distinguished way that I couldn't stop myself staring.
"Fancy that."
I sighed and concentrated on my knees. He stared. Then he said, in a slow and careful voice:
"I admire you. You actually said the truth."
I looked up. Part of me was still frozen solid by terror. An other part was rejoicing all on it's own and yelling He said "I admire you". You can tell your friends that Vetinari said to you, yeah, you, he said "I admire you" Vetinari! To you! He said it, he actually said it!
"Do you know you are causing the whole magical world to fall apart?"
Others would've said "You broke mum's favorite dish" in that tone of voice. Although it was stupid, I answered:
"I didn't mean to, sir."
"Good to know. Now, are you going to go back in your world without protesting, or are you going to fight to stay free?"
"In another world? Far from my family? With dwarf bread and Dibbler's sausages? I'll go home, thank you very much."
Vetinari only smiled. And that was the end of my time with him. I hadn't even seen Drumknott. But it still stayed in my mind in vivid colors. Some things I could forget, but seeing the Patrician was something you needed strong tools to get out of my head.
***
I said goodbye to everyone in the Watch. I was slightly sad, but not completely. The adventure was fun, but I wanted to go home, reassure my parents and find food that didn't wrestle with your tongue. I thanked Cheery, smiled at Angua, hugged Carrot. I even shook hands with Colon and Nobby. I felt with a beginning of nostalgia.
A look back showed me the Watch house, great and noisy. People were coming in and going out, dragging in criminals. I gave a last stare at the powerful trolls, at the dwarfs, at the smiling workers. To think that this was Ankh-Mopork, that this was real. And to think that my memory would one day lose some details, such as the purple flowers growing on were lilacs, it seemed. And they smelled lovely. The smelled of life.
Just as I followed a clerk, who was going to take me to the wizards, out of the Watch house; I stopped dead in my tracks.
"Wait a second" I said.
I turned round and ran back into the Watch, yelling:
"Give me back my watch, Nobby!"
***
The wizards got me in a pentangle. There wasn't much to say about the Unseen University, or there was too much. I let myself be carried by the flow of preparation, looking at the members of the faculty, desperately trying to remember everything. I also tried to convince the librarian to give me one of his books, but he answered "ook" in a very explicit manner. So I just stayed still, trying to fix in my memory as much about Ankh-Mopork as possible. I politely listened to Ponder's explanations, and stepped into the pentangle.
Then I blinked.
The math teacher was staring at me. I looked around. My classroom was still there, and I was standing in the middle of it. My notebook was lying on the floor. As I picked it up, I noticed my muddy trousers. Luckily, I only realised later the smell I had been carrying on me. Ankh-Mopork had left me its delicate scent. I walked up to the board and looked at my exercices. I really couldn't remember which ones I had been doing.
"Excuse me, sir, I think I haven't done my exercices."
He was too stunned to answer. One second he had one of his most studious pupils walking up to him. The next second, after a short blurr, he had a very dirty student looking completely out of context. He let me go back to my seat. As I sat down, I spotted Night Watch in my bag. Somehow, I didn't feel like reading it. I mean, I'd seen Ankh-Mopork, I'd been there, my teeth still suffered from the dwarf bred. Why would I want to read it? It'd never be the same, and it'd only make me wonder.
I picked it up all the same, and looked at what I'd been reading. The words woke me up. There was one thing I had completely forgotten about. So I felt in my pocket for it. I found it, stared at it, and smiled.
Nobby's little Watch badge, made in soap, was nestling in my hand.
***
Years went by. Ponder had calculated when he should send the message through Hex, back in time, so the events could follow their course naturally.
He carefully marked the day on the calendar. He made sure he didn't forget it. If he didn't send the message back in the past, they would be some sort of quantum crisis, and everything would go very wrong. The right day came. The roundworld had been built, but it seemed to work perfectly, under Hex's guidance. And Ponder hadn't seen anyone do anything wrong. That's probably why I didn't tell myself who had made the mistake. I didn't know.
He turned to Hex and wrote a long message, with a lot of explanations and quantums. Hex wrote 'Message Domain Error ????? Redo From Start +++++ Out Of Cheese Error +++++ Message Domain Error'
Ponder swore under his breath, because even if nobody was there, he was polite enough not to swear too loudly. He glared at the mouse that was living happily in Hex, and wondered how to find some cheese. He looked around, and saw that one of the students had forgotten a piece of cheese sandwhich. Well, that was fine by him: he picked it up and gave it to the mouse. Hex rumbled a bit, then said 'Message Sent +++++ Time Domain Error ????? Answer' Then he wrote: '+++++ Thanks. I'll see to it. ????? Redo From Start'
Ponder smiled, and left Hex. That's it, he thought. That's done. And we'll never know what mistake it was that started everything in the first place.
Hex rumbled for a long time. The mouse ate the cheese, and then the bread. But, unfortunately, there was a piece of cucomber in the sandwhich. This made the mouse hesitate. Then she ate it. Hex rumbled even more, and wrote 'Cucomber Error +++++ Sent Back In Time ????? Redo From Start'.
That's when it all began.