September 5

Is it true, Kurt? Did you really 'take your life' like Burt said? He called me this morning when he got home, when he found you.. Kurt I've got to believe your still alive. I've got believe that it was all a misunderstanding, that it wasn't what it looked like, that you're alive and you're breathing, and that when I call you tonight like I always do you'll pick up and I'll be able to hear your voice and relax when you laugh and say it was a mistake. God I wish this wasnt true. But I keep calling and calling your cell phone and every time it goes to voicemail after it rings for a minute. God Kurt, just pick up your phone!

September 6

I'm still trying to figure out why you did it. I can't seem to wrap my head around it; the fact that you're gone. Without so much as a goodbye or an explanation. Burt shut your phone off and told me to stop calling. He told me you weren't coming back, that no matter how many times I dial your number you're not gonna pick up. I can't accept that yet, Kurt. I can't accept the fact that the only time I'm ever gonna hear your voice anymore is when I call your phone and it goes to voice mail, or that now I'm only gonna hear your laugh when I watch those videos we made a few months ago on our date. I haven't cried yet, because if I cry it means its true, it means that you're gone and you're never coming back and I can't handle that.

September 8

Jesus, Kurt! Why? Why why why why why why? God dammit Kurt you could have just talked to me. You could have talked to Rachel or Burt or Carole or Finn or someone, anyone. I would have sat up all night and listen to you, all your problems and your fears. I would have been there for you, you know I would've. Why did you leave me, Kurt? You said you'd never say goodbye.

September 12

It's been a week. I haven't gotten out of bed or showered or tried to tame my curls that you loved so much in a week. Burt came over twice already, and I don't think I can see him again. He looks so.. Tired and broken. He's got the biggest bags under his eyes like he hasn't slept in a few days, which I assume he hasn't. I haven't. I still haven't cried. I won't cry.

September 13

Rachel came to see me today. I tried to kick her out but she wouldn't leave until I swallowed down some of that god awful food she brought over. It tasted like shit, it was nothing like your cooking. When are you coming home, Kurt? I miss your cooking.

September 14

The funeral was today. I didn't really know what to expect to be honest. Funerals aren't cheerful or happy, they're depressing and sad and you know how much I hate depressing and sad. My whole day was filled with people shaking my hand and hugging me and telling me how sorry they were for my loss. They're not sorry, though. They just don't know what else to say. It was like it was out of a movie, almost. It was full of people crying and sniffling and talking about how much they loved you and how much they'll miss you. You know what the funny part was, though? It was people like Mike and Mr. Shue. They didn't even know you, not really. Not like I did. Burt did a really nice job organizing it though. You would've been proud, I think. He, Carole, Finn, Rachel, Mercedes, and a few other people spoke about you up at the podium during the service. It was nice. I wanted to stand up there and talk, but I couldn't. What was I gonna say? I could've talked about how much I loved you or how perfectly amazing you were, but it wouldn't have mattered. It wouldn't have mattered if I'd said all those things to all those people because all those people weren't you. The only person I would ever want to say those things to is you, but I can't say them to you now cause you're gone.

September 16

My mom made me go back to school today. She said I couldn't miss anymore days or I'd fall too far behind to catch up. God it was hell. I didn't pay any attention in any of my classes. People kept coming up to me and mumbling stupid bullshit about how they're sorry and if there was anything they could do to let them know. Rachel and Mercedes didn't leave my side all day though, and I'm glad they didn't. They helped me through the day. I don't know how they're managing to keep it together.

September 20

Last night I went over to see Burt and Carole and Finn. I brought them back the box of stuff you had in my room, I figured they'd want it. Carole looks a mess, its so weird cause shes always so put together. Finn and Burt just look tired and Finn's been really quiet, even at school. I guess he's been slacking in football, too. Puck says he's tried everything he could think of to cheer him up a little, to get his head back in the game but it hasn't really worked. Anyways, I wanted to keep that box of stuff ya know. I did. But I couldn't. It would've been too hard, and it wasn't my stuff to keep. It belonged to you and its up to Burt what he wants to do with it. I did keep one thing, though. That scarf, you know the one. It's gray and its so soft, and I remember it cause its the one you wore on our first date, and then you wore it again the day you told me you loved me. I was gonna keep the promise ring I gave to you for Christmas too, but I decided not to because I gave that to you, and I made a promise. If I took it back I'd be breaking my promise and you know I never break promises. I'm a man of my word.

September 21

I'm switching between being so angry with you and feeling nothing. I wanna be angry with you, god Kurt I want to be so angry with you. How could you leave me in this shit hole? We were supposed to graduate together! We were supposed to leave Lima and move to New York and get married and build a life together! How could you just leave all that behind? I get angry and then I feel nothing almost a second later. How could I be angry with you, after everything you've been through? You've been through hell and back, but you were so so strong. You're the strongest person I've ever known. Between people treating you like shit all your life and losing your mom so young.. I just have never met anyone with your strength and I probably never will. But I don't feel anything, yet. Am I supposed to feel something, Kurt? Ever since I found out its like I've had no emotions. The only time I feel something is the few short seconds when I get angry with you, but it never lasts very long. It's like I've lost the ability to feel, and I can honestly say I think I like it better this way.

September 29

I cried today. I was taking a shower this morning and I remembered how we used to take one together in the mornings when you spent the night at my house during the summer. I started shaking even with that steaming water pounding down on me and then I couldn't breathe and it was like my chest was going to explode. I cried in the shower until the water ran cold and then I got out cried some more. I didn't leave my room all day, but that was fine cause my parents weren't home anyways. They're never home. I laid in bed for a long time after I was done crying, just staring up at the ceiling. I remember you always used to complain about the cracks in it and how the ceiling fan didn't match the rest of the room. Then I started thinking about the last day I saw you. That was one of the best dates we ever had, I think. We went to lunch at Breadstix, and then we came back to your house and had one of our movie marathons. You got mad at me cause I put whipped cream from my hot chocolate in your hair so you hit me with a pillow. It turned into some pretty hot making out from there and then your dad came home just as we were pulling apart. Its not like Burt hadn't walked in on us before, but it never failed to be embarrassing. Around midnight Burt made me go home, and you walked me out. If I'd known 'goodnight' really meant 'goodbye' I guess I would've tried to kiss you a little longer that night.

September 30

I started crying today because I couldn't remember how it felt to kiss you.