Shine On

by Mrs.Cohen

“Another shot on the rocks,” I told the bartender. He nodded and I watched as he poured the hard alcohol into the small glass. He slid it down the counter and I always wondered what the draw about sliding a glass down a table was. SS.

Hello, all! My first ever one shot. And it took me almost a month to complete, hah. I have been in a sort of sad mood for a while now, so I thought that writing a sad one shot would lift my spirits, but I figured out that writing this made me even more sad.

So, this is a little angsty. I hope you cry. That was actually my goal- to make you cry. But unfortunately, it did not come out as sad as I had hoped.

On with the story!

Please Review. I'll love you forever.

Disclaimer: I don't know who owns it now. Do you?

"Another shot on the rocks," I told the bartender.

He nodded and I watched as he poured the hard alcohol into the small glass. He slid it down the counter and I always wondered what the draw about sliding a glass down a table was.

Whatever. To each his own, right? Yeah, right.

I had walked into this small bar about two hours prior and I honestly could not remember the last time that I was as buzzed as I am now. I had tried to stop, really stop, about twenty minutes ago, but as I thought more about our fight, I couldn't will myself to.

I felt my cell phone vibrate against my purse for the fortieth time tonight. I had stopped looking at who was calling me after the second time. I knew it was Seth, but I wasn't in the right mind set to deal with him now.

Don't get me wrong. I love him. So much. But right now we aren't meant to be married. We're only twenty seven.

And we sure as hell aren't ready for a baby. No way were we ready.

I finally took the glass in my hands and whipped my head back as I felt the vodka flame down my throat. I didn't even flinch. I was getting good.

"Another."

"Miss, I think you've had enough. I don't want you to be able to not get home," the bartender said.

'What a bastard.' I thought.

"I'll be fine, now throw me down another," I demanded and he looked at me for a second before sliding it down the bar.

I stopped it in my hand and decided that this would be my last. Maybe this guy was onto something.

---

I walked outside and stumbled over to my car, wincing in pain as my hip collided with the side mirror.

I once again felt the phone vibrate and instead of ignoring it, I chose to answer.

"What," I spat.

"Summer, Sum, where are you? I've been trying to get ahold of you for like three hours."

"Yeah, I know. I stopped counting your calls after the fifth time my phone rang."

"Don't be like this, Summer. I'm just looking out for you."

"Don't be like what, Seth?" I said as I put on a disgustingly fake voice.

"A bitch. Don't be like that."

"I'll be however I want. Now I should go."

"Where are you?"

"Getting ready to get in the car. I don't know where I'm going yet."

"Where were you just now?"

"Seth, I'm a big girl, I don't have to tell you where I am all the time."

"You know that I'm not trying to babysit you, I just want to know where you are."

As I listened to him talk, I began reversing the car out of my parking spot, "right now I'm pulling out of that restaurant on Ocean Avenue, right by the pier."

"I think that's a bar, not really a restaurant, but whatever."

"It's a restaurant and bar, Seth. Not just a bar."

"Summer, I'm going to come and pick you up. I don't want you pulling out of that parking space until I come. Got it?"

"Seth- I'm going to come-"

"Summer, no. I'll be there soon."

I held the phone to my ear until I heard the automated voice message tell me to "please hang up or try again".

I threw the phone down into the middle console and turned the car off. I was surprised that I was listening to what Seth told me to do. Usually when I get this mad I don't let anyone tell me what to do- I just do what I want and I'm like a human hurricane- not stopping until some sort of damage has been done.

But there was something that I liked about Seth telling me what to do. Usually it's the other way around- him listening to me. Don't get me wrong, I love being able to feel safe with him, but when he is being protective and I can feel that shield around me, I don't want to be anywhere else. I think that's why I stopped the car. I just want to feel shielded right now.

I put the keys back into the ignition of my BMW and turned the heat on. Here I was sitting in a car when the temperature outside was reaching 98 degrees and I'm turning the heat on.

This baby was screwing me up.

I huffed and crossed my arms across my chest, waiting for Seth to pull in.

---

Twelve minutes later, I felt myself immediately sober up as Seth pulled in and ran over trying to get into the car. The doors were

locked and it took me about a minute to decide that it was okay for him to get in.

"Thanks for opening the door right away."

I just stared at him.

"The baby is making my reflexes slow."

I was being a brat, I knew that.

"Please talk to me," he pleaded and for the first time since he got into the car, I looked at his eyes.

His eyes always told everything about him and they always told me what he was feeling. And right now he was desperate.

Desperate for answers and reason.

Desperate for me.

"We're you drinking?" he asked me as he placed his hand on my arm.

I didn't look at him, I only nodded.

"Summer," he breathed, "you're pregnant."

I could tell he was disappointed. I was disappointed in myself.

"I was pissed."

"Just because you were mad doesn't mean you should go drink when your having a baby. How much did you drink?"

"I don't know."

"A lot?"

"I don't know!" I screamed.

"We have to stop fighting."

Again I said nothing.

"I hate fighting with you," I said.

"Me too."

"You need to stop drinking."

"I don't do it that much," I explained.

"It doesn't matter. You have to stop."

"Please, do it for the baby. For me, hell, do it for yourself. We have to work together here. Pretty soon our lives are not going to be based around just us anymore. We'll have a baby. A baby!" he said, a smile on his face.

I couldn't look t him without smiling. But when I smiled, I couldn't tell if it was true or fake.

That is how out of character I had become over the past couple of months. I couldn't even tell when I was being myself. I wish that I knew. I missed being totally self-confident.

"Yeah, a baby," I half whispered.

"You're not excited about this, are you?"

"No, I am, I just, like I said earlier, I don't think I'm ready for a baby."

"We talked about this. You said you were ready. We were both ready, what happened?"

"Life happened."

"That was your excuse earlier. Life is always going to be in the way but we have to work around it. Summer you're going to be amazing with a baby."

I felt like he was guilting me into this child. This child was going to be an innocent little being and I was going to be the mom

who didn't even want to hold it.

I didn't want to be that person.

"I don't want to be a failure. This child is going to need someone to look up to and they're not going to be looking up to me because I'm not good enough to be looked up to."

"Why do you say these things?"

"Because it's true," I cried as tears came down.

"Is this why you were drinking?"

"No, well sort of."

"Then why?"

"Because we're not doing well, Seth. We fight all the time and you're not happy with me."

"Not happy with you? What in the hell gave you that idea? Summer, I'm so happy with you. I'm worried that I don't make you happy."

"Well right now you're not making me happy. We shouldn't even be married right now, Seth! We're too young! And now I'm pregnant! I don't even know if I want this kid!" I screamed as I turned back to look out the front windshield.

Right at that moment I wished I could take everything single horrible thing I had ever done to him back. He was there for me everyday, every second, and here I was, only caring about myself.

"You don't mean that."

"Yes I do!"

"I'm done," he said, and got out of the car and drove away.

I broke down.

---

Right after Seth's car screeched out of the parking lot, I turned on my car and started following him, but he got away quicker than

I could keep up. I never knew he was such a fast driver when he was mad at me.

I had no where to go. No where. So I just drove, down to the beach and walked up and down.

Small kids ran up and down the shoreline as I avoided them. Next time, I decided that I would not go to the beach when I needed to get away from my thoughts on kids. They seemed to be everywhere.

I continued walking and I stopped when I felt two small arms wrap around one of my legs. I looked down at a small boy , probably around three years old.

He looked up at me and then quickly tried to scurry away before I gently grabbed his arm and asked him if he was okay.

"Where's your mom, sweetie?" I asked him as I bent down, attempting to reach his height.

The blonde haired, brown eyed boy looked up at me and pointed over to a slightly plump woman who was getting up off her beach towel.

"Noah, what are you doing?" she asked as she came down to where we were standing.

He said nothing but I noticed that he slightly coward as she made her way down.

"I told you never to bother strangers, now come on."

"Oh, he wasn't bothering me. He's fine."

"He does this wondering off thing all the time, he's got to learn to stop," the woman spat.

I watched as she grabbed Noah's upper arm and turn him around, giving him a hard spank on the butt.

I cringed as I watched the boys eyes fill with tears as he tried so desperately to not allow him to fall.

I felt his pain.

The woman looked up to me again and held her hand out, introducing herself as "Carrie."

"Nice to meet you. I'm Summer Cohen."

"Summer Cohen, you're about to have a baby. Good luck," she scoffed.

I didn't laugh, only gave her a small smile and nod.

"This little one here is a pain in the ass. I hope you have yourself a good kid."

I was shocked that someone had these awful things to say about their own child. This was exactly what I was afraid of. I never wanted to be this mother standing in front of me.

I said nothing, but looked down to where the boy was standing, "want to build a sand castle, Noah?"

I could tell he was contemplating on his answer, but before he could think anymore, his little head was bobbing up and down and a smile had grown on his face.

I held my hand down to his and he grabbed my pointer finger and we made our way up the beach.

I did not want to be this woman. I would not be her.

---

"Hi," Seth whispered to the heavens, "it's weird being up here."

He made his way over to the edge of the cliff and looked down seeing the waves lap against the rocks.

"I don't know what to do," he started right away, " all of a sudden we're amazing and the next minute I find out that she doesn't want to be married to me and she doesn't want my baby."

"Should I leave? I would never want Summer to be unhappy and if she is unhappy with me at home, then I'll leave. I do whatever she wants. But I need her. I don't think that I could go on another day not knowing if she was okay. Mom, I need your help.."

"... but right now, I don't want her to be happy. She needs to feel bad about what she did and what she said."

Seth Cohen stood at the top of a large cliff overlooking the ocean. He hardly came to this spot because it brought back too many horrible memories of what had happened that night.

The car. The man. The hospital. The blood. The funeral.

He turned around and looked at the few grave stones that littered the green grass.

'These people are lucky,' he thought, as he move to sit down so that his legs were hanging of the cliff, 'all they get to do is lay here, by the ocean, while their souls are floating around somewhere watching other people.'

"I just have no idea what she wants from me anymore. We never agree on anything and we're always fighting. Oh god, we're always fighting. I don't remember a day in the past like month that we haven't fought. I think it's really over. Mom, I really don't know what to do."

"You know, on the day of your funeral, I was a mess. Summer was right there the whole time and I remember she told me that 'Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more.' It's from some stupid movie that I don't remember what it's called, but I never really got what the meant until right now. You left me here, all alone and when you left, I didn't know how I was going to feel. And then Summer and I became even closer than we were, which seemed impossible, until I asked her to marry me."

Seth sat down and faced Kirsten's grave.

"I so wish that you could have been at the wedding. You would have loved it. It was on the beach and the party after was at our house. There were like a total of twenty people there. It was perfect. You and Summer would have had a really fun time planning it together. I love her, Mom. I don't know what I'm going to do if she actually tells me to leave. I really think that I would cut short the inevitable and just hope that she doesn't miss me. Please just give me a sign that your listening- anything."

Seth looked around the small cemetery property and prayed that he saw something happen.

A sign that she was indeed listening.

There was nothing.

"I hate you! I hate you for not talking back to me!" he screamed into the fading sun.

"I'm so sorry, I'm sorry," he sobbed into his hands, "I'm sorry I never come up here to talk to you. You probably never want me to come again after I just told you I hated you. I don't hate you, though. It's just hard coming here to talk to you knowing that I'll never be able to talk to you for real ever again."

A hard breeze fluttered around him and he quickly lifted his head to look around at the surrounding trees. None of the leaves were moving and the grass wasn't swaying.

He knew it was her.

She was listening.

"Bye, Mom."

---

I had wandered home about forty-five minutes after I was at the beach to see if Seth had possibly come home.

No such luck.

I went into our bedroom and angrily threw one of Seth's old baggy sweatshirts and sweat pants on the bed and walked into the bathroom to start a bath.

I sat on the toilet seat and watched as the steam drifted off the water coming from the nozzle and fill the tub.

In that moment I had wished that the water was a thousand degrees and that once I set foot in it, I would just melt away into nothing. I wished that the water would melt away my awful words that had come out of my mouth that were directed at Seth.

I wish that the water would melt away my cold heart.

I found that I had no feeling anymore of myself. Nothing was going how it was supposed to.

I was supposed to be happy -ecstatic- about this baby.

A baby that was coming from love was something that I had always dreamed about having and now, I wasn't so sure if it was coming from love.

Only today had I been able to fully see that Seth didn't love me anymore.

I didn't know what to do. Seeing Noah at the beach gave me a totally different perspective on having a baby- a great perspective that made me see that having a baby was something that I need to do.

Having a baby would ground me and hopefully make myself come back to the Summer that I felt comfortable in.

I poured the lavender scented bubbles into the water and stepped in, letting the hot water take away my stress, even if only for an hour.

---

Seth walked into their apartment and heard the bath water running.

He found this a great time to do what he had planned when he was talking to his mom.

Walking into his office, he grabbed a piece of paper and a pen and started to write.

My Summer,

I'm not bitter any more, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you and remember how we spent numerous years and amazing summers learning from each other and falling more and more in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I had hoped to give to you forever.

You have honestly been able to give me everything that I could have ever wanted, ever dreamed about having. But right now, I just can't give to you what you need. You still have some things that you need to work out and I am ready to one-hundred percent settle down and I can tell that you aren't there yet. I don't blame you, I just can see that you need some time for yourself.

You were right about us being too young. Or actually, you're too young, I guess, because I have always been ready.

But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who ever lived. I've loved another with all my heart and soul and for me that has always been enough.

I love you. I'll be seeing you. Please forgive me for leaving.

Seth

He knew this was the right decision, the most painful decision, but it was the best one.

For both of them.

He folded it up and walked into their bedroom.

The adjacent bathroom door was closed and he was so close to bursting through the door and telling her that she was wrong

about everything she said and then have her agree.

He wanted everything to be right.

Too late for that.

Placing the letter on their king sized bed, he pulled a duffle bag out of the closet and threw some of his clothes into it so that he could have a couple days worth of clothes to stay with his dad. He figured that he could sneak into the apartment one day while Summer was out and get the rest of his things.

He didn't want her to watch him pack up his life, which was essentially hers as well. Theirs, actually.

Seth heard the handle on the bathtub squeak and the water halt.

---

I turned the water off and stood up.

Walking to get my clothes, I saw a letter sitting on the bed with my name on it.

The chicken scratch that Seth called writing was scribbled all over the paper. After I read the first couple of lines I went into total shutdown, followed by pure destruction.

---

He quickly picked up his bag and walked into the foyer, quickly placing his bag down on the floor and running into his office, grabbing a few things that he would need for work.

Clearly he was not up to par in swiftness when he heard the bedroom door fly open.

He pictured the door knob flying into the wall and threw his head back in silent frustration.

"Seth Cohen!" I came out of the bedroom, hair thrown on the top of my head in a towel and only the sweatshirt over my body,

"Where the hell do you think you're going?"

"You got my letter?" he asked stupidly.

"Yes I got you letter and let me tell you right now that you're not just giving up."

"Summer, listen to me. We are different people now. You are going to be better alone. Without me."

"That is bullshit. We are in this together. Forever. I want to be with you forever."

"It sure didn't sound that way when you told me that you didn't want to be married to me," he said angrily.

"I know it didn't. And as soon as I said that I wanted to take everything I said back. I was wrong."

"You sure as hell were wrong."

I looked at him without saying anything and mouthed "I'm sorry" before I felt one tear flow down my right cheek.

"I just feel like you don't want this anymore. I feel like were distant."

"You don't want me anymore, Summer."

"Seth," I said, sadness in my tone.

"I just don't know what you want. I can't possibly give you what you want."

"Just be there."

"I have to go."

"No!" I yelled and stomped on the ground.

"Summer I have to go," he spoke to me slowly.

There was only one thing that I could think to do, so I did it.

I slapped him. Hard. Right on his cheek.

He just stood there. I wanted him to hit me back, but he didn't.

All that stared back at me was the intense gaze that spoke to me. He looked scared, like a lost boy.

"Say something!" I screamed as tears came rolling down my face.

"What has happened to you?" he asked me.

It was my turn to say nothing.

"Nothing," I said stubbornly.

"You're not the same girl I married."

"Yes I am. I'm standing right here."

"No, you're not. Did I do something to make you change?"

"I'm right here. The same girl you have always known," I said.

I knew what he was talking about. I was not the same girl he married.

"The Summer I knew was never short. She let me in. I was one of the few people who she let in and I loved that I was one of

those few. I loved knowing that she let me in. I don't know where she went."

I sank to the floor, "me either."

"I miss her."

"Me too."

I felt him fall down to my height. He placed a hand on my shoulder.

"Where did she go?"

"She went away. I don't know. Just one day laid-back Summer left. I don't think she's coming back."

"She needs to come back. For you. For me. For this baby," he told me and placed the tips of his fingers on my stomach.

"I know. I'm scared, Seth," I finally admitted.

"Of what?"

"Of not knowing. I don't know anything. I've never been totally unsure of what's going to happen next."

"Isn't that exciting? Not knowing."

"No. I'm just afraid of becoming totally disconnected from myself. I'm almost there. I don't know who I am anymore."

"Don't be afraid."

"You taught me how to not be afraid of myself."

"You did that on your own, I just helped a little."

"You helped a lot."

"Everyone needs help every once in a while.

"Yeah," I whispered as my body rocked forward into his.

I stood up after several seconds and walked over to one of the bat stools.

I watched as he stood up and walked over to me.

The instant that he was close enough for me to touch him, I pulled him closer by wrapping my arms around his torso. The top of my head only went up to the top of his shoulders, but I found that over the years I liked this best.

"Where were you today?"

"At the cliff by the ocean."

I looked up thinking that he would be looking down on me, but all I was met with was his chin.

"What cliff?

"You know, my mom."

"You never go there," I mumbled into his shirt.

"I thought it was appropriate. I hadn't been there in a while either."

"Is she good?"

"Mom?"

I nodded.

"Yeah, she's good."

"Good."

"Yeah."

"Seth, I don't know if she baby's okay."

He pulled away from me causing the connection we had moments earlier to fall apart.

"What do you mean it's not okay?"

"I think I hurt it."

"By drinking," he said, disappointment soaking through his words.

"I didn't mean-"

"How much?"

"How much what?"

"How much did you drink, damn it!" he yelled as his hand hit the counter beside me.

"I don't know," I cried.

"Why, Summer? Why?"

"I don't know!"

"Nothing ever goes right, ever."

I just sat there and pulled my feet to my chest.

"I need to go, you need me to go. I can't keep bringing you down," he told me as he walked into the foyer and reached to pick up his bag.

"No, no, Seth, don't, don't go," I started crying.

"You need to work your way back up. It seems like everything I do, good intentions and all, I just keep bringing you down. Nothing I do anymore is good enough."

"I want you to bring me down, I need you to bring me down."

"No. No, Summer, move."

"No, I will not move! Don't leave like a little bastard who runs away from his problems. I need you here with me. I need your help!"

"I have been there for you countless times but I always seem to be the one getting hurt. I'm done getting hurt."

"Why don't you want me anymore?" I cried as I sunk down to the ground again, this time against the front door.

"I want you to want me Summer. Don't ever even consider for a second that I don't want you. I wanted you years ago, yesterday, I want you today and tomorrow, and forever. I need you forever. But if you're not going to want me like I want you, we won't work."

"I do want you. I want you more than I have ever wanted anything," I sobbed.

"Then show me. I feel like sometimes you only use me or that you are ashamed of me."

"Use, ashamed?"

He nodded.

"I never want you to feel like I'm using you. And I will never be ashamed of you. Ever."

"Then you need to be happy, Summer. I need you to be happy."

"I'm trying."

"Do you need to talk to someone?"

"Like a therapist?"

"Yeah."

"No," I scoffed, "I'm not someone who needs to be 'treated'."

"I'm not saying you do, jut sometimes talking to someone can help."

"I can't talk to you now?"

"No, of course you can, but sometimes I think you need to talk to someone other than me."

"Why?"

"Because I'm not home all the time."

"I just need a break is all."

"We need to go talk to someone together, Sum. We've got to figure something out."

I nodded.

He was right.

We had to figure out something together to make our life work.

"Could we go to the hospital? Please," he begged.

I nodded.

I did not want to know what I had done.

---

"What now?" I asked him, tears coming down my face.

"I'm done, Summer."

My head shot up, "what do you mean?"

"I mean I'm done having all of everything come crashing down, all the time."

"I'll be better. We'll be better. I'll do anything, please."

"What about this baby. We just lost a baby, Summer."

"I know," I whispered, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault."

"We're going to have to figure something out."

"We can figure it out together. Please," I managed to get out.

My cries were caught in my throat and I looked over to see tears clouding his vision too.

My eyes pleaded with his and I could see the smallest smile ever possible come across his face.

He reached over the middle console in the car and placed his hand on my lower thigh. My hands looped his arm and I placed them over his hand.

I reached over and placed a kiss on his cheek.

"Thank you," I told him and placed my head on the headrest.

His face remained stoic, he didn't say anything, only squeezed my hands in his.

Things would be okay, I realized.

Time heals.

Are you sad, yet? Tell me if I made you weep.

Review please.