"Derek said you had a sister, she was on the plane."
"Meredith... if you want to be a sister then just act like it." Lizzie added.
"Yes, I have.. had a sister." Meredith said standing up and getting angry at this, at this, stranger coming and mentioning Lexie to her.
"You don't get to put this on me. Derek's been in Seattle for 8 years, 8 years we've been together except when he was with his wife or the nurse, but still 8 years and do you know how many times he's gone back to NY? None. He's never wanted to go. Nancy shows up all bitchy and he wants her to go home. Amelia shows up here and he tells her to go away and doesn't even want a cup of coffee with her." She yelled, seeing Lizzie look down.
"You don't get to talk about family or acting like a big happy family to me. You all give us crap and sprout about family when you show up but what about when you're not showing up? Derek hadn't spoken to Amelia in all those years, he barely phones, he doesn't mention you."
"That's not our fault." Lizzie defended.
"Then not going to New York when you've us invited isn't mine. He's your family and the closest sister I've seen him have, was mine. You're not my sister, you're barely his sister." Meredith whispered.
"You don't understand.." Lizzie tried to interrupt.
"No, you don't. She was the one who even got him to give Amelia the time of day, did you know that? Did you discuss that on your 5 phone calls over the past 8 years? It wasn't Amelia who convinced him to talk to her or any of you. It was Lexie. Did you come when he got shot? Did you know the gunman also wanted Lexie dead? He blamed Derek, the Chief and Lexie. I told him to shoot me instead, that to hurt them the most would be to hurt me, to spare them. To spare my sister and my husband and take the person they loved the most." Meredith told her holding back tears and seeing Lizzie's shock at Meredith's confessions. That she'd give up her life for her sister and Derek.
"Then our plane fell from the sky, it crashed, Mark was in a coma for weeks, he's dead, we buried him next to Lexie! We've seen none of you until now and that's only after I reached out first. When we invited you to our wedding? None of you showed up or made an attempt to come."
"You didn't even get married that day so we were right..."
"That's not the point." Meredith she snapped back. "You don't get to come in here and accuse me of not being a good sister or not being a good family member. Or telling me that we're family." She said as she got up, she was still angry. She was angry at this sister who is supposed to be a sister showing up here and getting angry with her for asking for body parts when she'd die for her sister, she'd die for Derek. This Lizzie didn't get to come in here and accuse her of not being a good sister or family.
All she had asked for is a few nerves from her leg, why is that a huge thing to these people? Meredith did not get it.
Asking for body parts is what family did, she did it for Lexie. She gave her liver to Thatcher, for Lexie. Lexie who would have been broken had he died and instead she goes and dies leaving Meredith to deal with Thatcher on her own.
Meredith had locked all these feelings about family and her sister away. She locked them away because she had to focus on Derek's hand, on Mark's coma, on Arizona's missing leg, on plane crash lawsuits, on making sure Thatcher didn't drink, on Zola, on everything expect focusing on the fact she loved and missed her sister so much.
So much, she realized as she started to feel tears.
"After the crash, we tried. I tried. He didn't want to talk to us." Lizzie tried to defend, "all our calls were ignored." Lizzie defended again trying to shift blame on Derek. Meredith ignored her statement and kept talking.
"He and Lexie used to have all these conversations, about Mark mostly. They'd have moments of working together where he'd tell her he's being big brother now and then switch over back into being her attending. When he used to do grocery shopping, he made sure not to ever buy anything that had apples in it. No apples, no apple pie, no apple sauce ever for Zola, because Lexie had this thing where she hated all things apples. If Zola even sees an apple she makes this face like Lexie would make and she tries to throw it away. Zola thinks of it as a devil's food and she'll never eat it and it's all because she takes after Lexie.
When we'd come down in the morning, she would have already made a pot of coffee and sometimes breakfast for us. She'd be on the sofa watching surgical tapes ready to go to work. She'd also sometimes feed and get Zola ready for daycare just so Derek and I could have a few more minutes of sleep. Lexie had like half a dozen etch-a-sketches because she was really good at drawing on those things when the rest of us suck really badly. Zola has all of them now, Lexie gave her them to teach and practice on. They used to be on those things for hours and for a little kid keeping her attention for that long is an achievement that only Lexie had accomplished.
Zola adored her more than anything. Do you know she still wakes up in the morning and looks around for Lexie? She doesn't get it. She just knows that her aunt who was there everyday of her life is suddenly not there. The person who fed her, played with her, picked her up at daycare when Derek and I couldn't. The person she considered another parent and loved so much just disappears and you're a lost child not knowing where that person went and when is she coming back." Meredith said as she cried while standing by the window looking out towards the mountains in the distance.
She's not coming back. Meredith said to herself.
She's never coming back.
Lizzie dared not say anything during Meredith's entire speech or interrupt anymore. She didn't want to ruin things further than she knows she already had. She knows now that pushing Meredith on the sister topic was the worst thing she could have done if she wanted to be accepted into this family and be more welcomed. She also was stupid to put so much blame on Meredith and not on Derek. Meredith was right, they were Derek's family and it was up to him to communicate and invite them into his life here, but he didn't do that in fact he did the opposite. Shutting them out of his life here.
The tears came faster and faster down her face, but Meredith couldn't shut up remembered Lizzie's defense a few moments ago.
He didn't want to talk to us.
All our calls were ignored.
"All your calls were ignored because you reminded him of what he lost." She sobbed out.
"The first time I brought up to Derek calling his sisters about the nerves, he got mad and he said no. He wanted none of you here. He stormed upstairs and do you know where he went?" She turned from the window looking at Lizzie who just looked like she wished she had never opened this can of worms to begin with. She shook her head no. Of course she didn't Meredith though and then continued, "to Lexie's room, he walked into her room, then slammed the door. He wanted to be with his sister, the place where he felt closest to her. I sold my house to Alex and to this day that room is the same, he lets us keep her stuff in there as a way to make me feel better. Because he knows that asking me to box up Lexie's things is something I can't handle yet."
"All your calls were ignored because thinking of all of you or hearing from you just reminded him of the loss he was feeling. The sister he wanted to be there, the one that couldn't be. His sister. Lexie was his sister. You may show up here and sprout all this about sisters and family but you don't get it at all."
Meredith said as she stormed towards the door wanting away and out of this room before stopping before she ran out, turning to look back at Lizzie.
"Stay. Go. Give your nerves or don't. It's up to you, but know that if I had the chance I would have traded spots with my sister in a heartbeat if it meant saving her. Because that's what sisters do." She said flatly before she walked out slamming the door behind her.
Her eyes were blurry she wasn't sure where she was going, she just wanted to run. Derek was at the nurses station handing in a chart seeing a distraught looking Meredith coming his way. He met her half way, stopping her in the hall.
"What happened?" Derek asked in concern holding onto her arms to keep her from running.
"I'm sorry, I was wrong I shouldn't have called her here." She cried to him barreling into his arms. Derek ushered them into an empty on call room so nobody could see her tears or breakdown.
"Hey, hey, it's ok. I know you were just trying to help me get my hand back any way you could." Derek tried to sooth her wondering what caused this break.
"I miss my sister. I want her back." She cried as Derek looked down at her and his heart broke. He had a feeling of loss for Meredith would hit her sooner or later, he figured Lizzie used being a sister against Meredith and that caused her to snap. Derek shook his head in anger for Lizzie, trying to focus on Meredith right now.
"I know you do. I miss my sister too." He whispered as he held her and they cried together in the dark on call room.