Disclaimer: Nope.
A/N: Spoilers for 5x21 which was supposed to be 5x22. The Squab and the Quail. Because I just had to fix it. I just can't handle THAT face.
"Where are we going?" She needs to know, needs to hear it from his lips because she knows what she wants and she's excited, hopeful because she thinks she knows. She thinks he wants those same things.
"To the bedroom."
And her heart drops. Straight down to her toes. She doesn't follow him. Yes it's romantic and it looks so inviting but she made it obvious. There's no way he thinks she was seriously asking about location. He's not that dumb. At least, not that she's aware of. Okay, he's a little daft sometimes. She'll give him that. But he's been so jealous and yes it annoyed her and made her feel like he doesn't trust her but it also amused her. Made her feel wanted. And his words hurt. They sting, burn into her, charring and black. He's avoiding it. She doesn't understand why he's avoiding this.
She wants to be wanted. Wants to be in this serious relationship with him. She's in this. She's buried so deep into it that it'll rip her apart if he isn't. He's the only one she's let in. The only man she let the walls crumble for. It's always been him so no, she doesn't follow. Doesn't listen as he says something she sees no importance in.
She holds her ground, swallows against the uncomfortable sensation rising in her chest. She's not about to let him run. She's tired of it. She wants to do this. They need to talk about this.
"Castle," He stops, turns back to face her with that wide eyed little boy expression. But she's not hiding her emotions right now and she knows it shows - the hurt she's feeling. His brow furrows, his eyes darkening and gone is the little boy - replaced by a man who knows that something is wrong. "That's not what I meant."
She knows he knows. It's in the way his shoulders slump, the way his head drops. That hurts too. The fact that he's acting as if she's defeated him. Yeah, that really hurts.
"But you know that..."
"Kate,"
"We need to talk about this. We dance around it and push our way through. We just keep going. A day at a time and Castle, that was fine when we started this but now? I...where are we going? What are we doing?" She just wants him to be on the same page and a bit of hope rises again when he closes the distance. There's a brief moment when he stops in front of her and she thinks maybe he's going to reach for her but he doesn't.
"Is this because of Vaughn?" Her mouth drops open, her eyes close and she has to physically stop herself from shoving him. Is he serious? Yes he is. She sees it the moment she forces her eyes open, catches his gaze as he stares at her. Now she's just angry. How could he...
"Why do you do that - why do you avoid the question like I didn't even ask it?" He says nothing, just keeps his mouth set in a thin line and she shakes her head. This isn't what she wants. "Right. Okay, then - I think I should go."
She's not staying. No. She isn't going to do this. She could let him get to that full body massage, pretend that it doesn't bother her, let him take her to bed and even participate fully but she won't. Not when it feels like there is a fist closing around her heart. She tries to move, head for the door but his hand catches her wrist.
For a moment she thinks about pulling away, doesn't look at him but she can't bring herself to actually shrug him off. He whispers her name and she bites her lip.
"Don't walk away."
"Don't give me a reason to." She looks at him then, watches as her words sink in.
"I'm trying not to scare you."
"You're already scaring me." It's true. She's terrified and this doesn't help at all. "If you don't want this anymore, Castle, then just...tell me. If this is all we're going to be, I need to know - I deserve to know."
"No! Kate, no! How could you even think that I don't want you anymore?"
"I don't know what I'm supposed to think, Rick." She really doesn't. She knows he loves her but is that enough? Is that enough to make them last? Does he even want it to last? He's just...not responsive.
"You really want to know?" She gives a firm nod, lets him link their fingers together. He steps closer, makes her tilt her head back when their chests brush. She won't lie, her body still reacts to his proximity - makes her warm and wanting. "You want to know what I see in our future?"
"Yes." She doesn't back away, won't back down because she needs this. They need this.
"Several things. I see so much with you. Your clothes in my closet, your things mixed with mine. Waking up next to you every single day. A ring. A white dress. Your dad giving you away. I see us together, Kate. Always. I can see a family, hear little feet padding across the floor," Her breath catches in her lungs - she wasn't really expecting that one. "All of it."
"Then...why?" Why hide, that's what she's asking. She hopes he sees it because she isn't sure she can force the words out through her parted lips.
"Because as much as I love you, I'm afraid." She doesn't understand. Well, she sort of does. He scares her too. The intensity of this - yeah it scares her but she wants it. She wants so much with him. Things that she's never let herself picture before. "I've been married twice, divorced twice. I want to get it right, I don't want to take that step with you and it not work out."
"Castle, I'm not asking for a ring."
"I know, I know that."
"I don't think you do. I think you relate me asking where we're heading to your past relationships." He looks down, breaks their eye contact and she's afraid she might've pushed a little too much. But he needs it. She's here and she's opening up and now he's the one closing off? No, she isn't dealing with that.
"M-maybe you're right. Maybe I do that and maybe I'm a little afraid that if I say something wrong, if I push too hard, you'll run."
"I'm not running anymore Castle, I'm here and I'm in this. I want you to be in it too." That's all she wants. She begs him to understand, silently pleads with her eyes for him to just get it. "I don't want to hesitate the next time someone asks me if our relationship is serious."
"When did -" She sees him put the pieces together, watches the flash of jealousy cross his features. "You hesitated?"
"Yeah. I did because I know how I feel, I know that I'm serious but we've never talked about it. Not really." She doesn't count the discussion they had after their first night together. "Do you remember when our parents met and I told you that we don't make sense on paper?"
"I told you we don't live our lives on paper."
"You've always been the one reassuring me, pushing me, making me see that we can be great - amazing together." She wants him to see how much this really means to her. She brings her hand up to rest on his cheek, strokes over his skin. "Where did that man go? Why are you now avoiding the tough questions?"
"Kate, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry if I've made you feel like you're anything less than extraordinary, okay? I am and I never wanted you to think that we're not serious. This is it for me. You are it for me." She feels the relief flare in her bones, feels her heart skip a beat because he's being honest and she can feel it. It's in the way he's gripping her hips - like he can't imagine ever letting go. It's in the way there are unshed tears in his eyes - as if just the thought of her walking away crushes everything within him. She hopes it does. Because if she leaves, it'll crush her too.
"Okay, then can we just stop avoiding the important things? Can we agree to talk about it - without one of us almost walking away? Castle, I don't want to do this. I don't want to feel like this because you purposefully avoid me when I ask you something that clearly needs an answer."
"No more. I promise." She feels her shoulders relax. She cants into him, lets her mouth press against his. Quick and soft. He's warm and he's still gripping her like he's afraid she'll disappear. He gives her a smile, hopeful and sheepish. "Can I give you that massage now?"
She huffs out a breath against his lips, let's him see that this isn't something to be swept under the rug. It's out there and it's staying out. They're serious and that's all she wants. The rest will come when it's time.
"Yeah but don't think this means you're off the hook."
"I don't want to be off the hook, Kate. I plan to make it up to you - even if it takes years." She beams at him, can't help herself because he's thinking in terms of 'years' and that's something she can deal with. She can handle his thoughts of eventually getting married because it's a goal. It's something to work towards - it's a future. That's all she wants. Him. A future with him.
a/n: I won't lie, I really didn't like the episode and it had nothing to do with the guy. Castle LOVES her and I feel like they make her conveniently 'forget' that way too easily in this episode. Yeah, her 'where is this relationship going' questions, that's normal - especially for women. But Castle isn't an idiot. He wouldn't wait so long to be with her and not see them going the distance so this episode really bothered me. I got super excited at the end and then my heart was just crushed because he obviously avoided answering her and that broke my heart. Like hers. So I fixed it.