AUTHOR'S NOTE: ExBlade has found another category to force his insanity upon! This time, it's "The Lord of the Rings" (quite obviously), and this is going to be just as insane as my earlier fiction, if not even more. I do not own Frodo, Sam or any other character; they all belong to themselves.
By the way, don't be surprised if the characters are acting a bit out of character... it's a comedy fic based on an all serious trilogy, so it was bound to be a little out of character in the first place anyway.
If you don't fancy really, really strange fiction, then maybe this is not for you. This is every bit as insane as you can imagine, if not even more. So don't say I didn't warn you! This is what you get when you combine a strange mind such as mine with boredom and nothing to do.
And now, here's the story...
WHEN DISASTER STRIKES: BOREDOM GONE WRONG
The Ring had a sudden as well as desperate urge to go to Bahamas, because that was where Sauron and Saruman had taken their troops on vacation, leaving the good guys with nothing to do. Boring. Sure, there were some orcs left behind that would occasionally attack the fellowship, but these orcs were too few to offer any challenge.
The Fellowship of the Ring, plus a bunch of other characters, was gathered in a clearing close to Rivendell. Frodo, Sam, Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli, Gandalf, Arwen, Éowyn, Boromir, Merry and Pippin were there, to be more accurate. All had one thing in common: they were bored as hell.
They were gathered around a campfire, trying to find stuff to do. Gandalf was the first to speak. "Well, fellows," he spoke, "we should find something to do now, before we bore our brains out."
Legolas turned to Aragorn. "I know one thing we can do...," he said with a smile and a hint.
Aragorn nodded. "I see what you mean," he said. "What we always do in fanfics, right?"
Legolas hugged him. "Right."
"So, let's find a nice, secluded place to..."
Suddenly, a large, hairy creature jumped out of the bushes. Frodo drew his sword, and to his horror it was shining blue!
"ORCS!" Legolas screamed in terror.
"No, wait!" the shadowy figure yelled in protest. "I am not an orc!"
"GOLLUM!" Legolas screamed in terror.
"No, wait!" the shadowy figure yelled in protest. "I am not Gollum!"
"BALROG!" Legolas screamed in terror.
"Oh, would you stop that?" the shadowy figure protested.
"Then who are you?" Frodo asked.
The shadowy figure stopped being shadowy. It was a woman. "I am here on behalf of the Middle Earth Company of Censorship," she said. "There will be no hanky-panky going on between Aragorn and Legolas in this story, because this fic isn't rated NC-17, or even R for that matter."
"CENSOR LADY!" Legolas screamed in terror.
"You're damn right," the censor lady said.
Legolas looked disappointed. "Oh, damnit! Why can't I and Aragorn get it on, like we do in 80% of the other fanfics in this category?"
The censorship lady laughed an evil laugh. "I know that I'm evil, you don't have to inform me. Bye."
Aragorn frowned. "Now that option is out of the way. What will we do now?"
Merry opened his mouth. "I know!" he said while he was at it. "Let's play Truth or Dare!"
"Sounds fair to me," Frodo said. "Do we all agree on this?"
They all did. Merry giggled and said, "I go first. Okay, I choose Éowyn. Truth or dare?"
Éowyn thought for a second. "Dare," she finally replied.
"Okay," Merry said and started thinking. Gradually, an evil grin started growing on his face.
Just then, Gandalf screamed in terror. "HIDE! IT'S A NAZGÛL!"
They all threw themselves down on the ground, hiding their heads beneath their hands as if it would help. God, how dumb that made them look! Except for Legolas, of course. His extra-ordinary eyesight made him realize something else. He turned to Gandalf. "Gandalf, you old hog, that's just a dragonfly!"
Gandalf stood up and tried to laugh it off. "Oh... hehe... how stupid of me. You may continue."
All the people got back up. Merry proceeded his evil grin for a while, then he seemed to be done. "Alright, Éowyn, I dare you to kiss an orc for five seconds. On the mouth."
Éowyn's face twisted in disgust. "Ewww! That is so gross!"
Merry laughed. "It's a dare, so you're going to have to do it."
"But where will I find an orc now?" she whined. "Most of them are gone for Bahamas."
"There are some orcs frolicking around in the forest," Aragorn suggested. "I also heard there are some orcs ruminating over there," he added and pointed his finger towards a field not very far from there. "Some orcs are known to me monkeying about in the trees, too, but I don't think you look much like a climber."
"Alright," Éowyn said. "Thank you for the advice."
"No problem," Aragorn said.
Éowyn strolled away to the fields where the orcs were ruminating. Seemingly unaware of her presence, the orcs continued ruminating even though she was standing there, watching them. "Hello!" she yelled to break the silence.
"Oh!" an orc burst out. "You! I am going to kill you now, and send you to Mordor!"
Éowyn snorted at him. "Sauron is not at home," she said. "He's on vacation, so taking me to Mordor would hardly cause me any trouble at all."
The orc tried to think, but failed. "I will take you to Mordor, where Sauron will make you his slave!"
Éowyn shook her head. "No, no, no, you do not understand. Sauron is no longer in Mordor, for he has travelled to Bahamas for a month. He is not available, so you cannot send me to Mordor."
"I will send you to Mordor, where you will become my master's slave."
"No, you will not, because your master is not there."
"I will send you to..."
Éowyn decided she had had enough. "Alright! Good luck with sending me to Mordor!" She paused to catch breath. "But first, I need you to do one thing. Kiss me."
"I will send you to Mordor--"
"NO! Kiss me! On my mouth!" she yelled. "Kiss me, and then you may send me to Mordor! Do you know how to kiss?"
The orc went silent.
"Do you?" Éowyn repeated.
The orc was very persistent in being quiet.
"Man, are you stupid?" Éowyn let out, disappointed. "Alright, if you do not want to learn how to kiss, I will not force you. There are always plenty of other orcs to kiss..."
A tear formed in the orc's eye. "I was only here to send you to Mordor," he said, desperate. "Why can't you be a good girl and follow me there? Oh, I am such a failure!"
"No, you're not a failure," Éowyn said. "Will you kiss me now, and prove that you're a ma... err, orc?"
"My father always told me that I would grow up to be a loser," the orc cried.
"Yeah, yeah, that's very nice, but let's kiss!" Éowyn insisted.
"No! I will take you to Moo... oooooooo...rmmmmpphh...!" the orc said before Éowyn's reluctant kiss muffled him. When she broke it, their respective brains tried to understand what they had done, but failed and went to sleep. Therefore, the rest of the Fellowship had to carry the sleeping Éowyn back to the camp.
"Alright," Aragorn said. "Now that Éowyn is asleep, who will go next?"
"I will," Frodo said.
"Okay, Frodo," Aragorn said. "Truth or dare?"
"Um... um... um...
...
....
...
..
.....
..
um, dare."
"Okay," Aragorn said and smiled mischievously. "I dare you to put the Ring on your finger."
"What? But Gandalf forbade me to, under any circumstances! I will not obey!"
Gandalf turned to Frodo with that "I've-thought-out-what's-best"-look on his face and said, "Frodo, I think you should put the Ring on. Being its only true master is on a Bahamas vacation, I don't think it should harm you. Go on. Put it on."
Frodo reluctantly grabbed the Ring and regarded it. Slowly, he let it slide onto his finger...
Immediately, he heard a voice. There is no boredom in Bahamas... only parties and fun for the whole family! it said, and it sounded so good to him that he actually allowed the Ring to take him to Bahamas.
A sunny beach in Bahamas, to be more certain. He was not alone there either; Sauron, Saruman and all their minions were there, too. They were all dancing and wearing party costumes.
"Hoo-ray!" Sauron yelled upon seeing Frodo. "Nothing part-ays better than a Ringbearer! Come dance with us!"
"No, I'd much rather swim," Frodo said, "but thank you anyway."
Frodo jumped into the water and started swimming. He went underwater, where he was met by a strange group of fishes. He didn't notice them at first, but then one of them came up to him and said, "Hello."
Frodo was startled. "Oh my God! You can talk? But you're a fish!"
The fish responded, "Oh my God! You can swim? But you're a hobbit!"
They went silent for a while. Then the fish said, "I think you better swim up to the surface to get some air."
"That seems about right," Frodo said and then wondered how he was able to talk underwater.
"Well, are you gonna float there and wonder how you're able to talk underwater, or are you gonna swim up to the surface and not die?"
"Um... I'll be back," Link said and swam to the surface, where he got some air. After that, he swam back down. "I'm done now."
"Good. Now, you see... we fishes need you to do us a favor."
"A favor? What is it?"
"It's when you help a person without making profit from it, but that's not important right now. You see, there's a dolphin over there that needs your help."
"Oh," Frodo said and scratched his forehead. "What do you want me to do?"
"Help him."
"How?"
"By taking him to Sauron," the fish said and sighed. "That rude creep has been disturbing us ever since he came here with his legions from Mordor and whatnot. They party all night long, and as a result, we don't get no sleep."
"That's a double negation, which means that you DO get some sleep!" Frodo pointed out.
"Shut up," the fish said. "Anyway, go talk to the dolphin, and make him follow you to the shore."
"Why can't you go to the shore and tell them?" Frodo asked. He was a bit confused. "I am a bit confused," he said. No shit, Sherlock, that's what I just said. "I'm sorry," Frodo said.
"What?" the fish said. "What are you sorry about?"
"No, no, I was talking to ExBlade. It didn't have anything to do with anything. Anyway, so, where were we... oh yeah, I asked why you can't go to the shore and tell them yourself. Why must I and that dolphin you were talking about do all the work?"
"Because we're lazy," the fish said. "Now go get 'em, tiger!"
"Alright!" Frodo shouted and swam to the dolphin. "Hello, dolphin."
"Why, hello, little hobbit!" the dolphin said. "Want some coffee?"
"No thanks, I'm fine," Frodo replied. "Will you come with me to the shore and tell these Mordor fellows to stop making all that noise? Yes/no/cancel."
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Then let's go."
They swam to shore, where Sauron and Saruman were holding a pie-eating contest. "Yo, Sauron!" the dolphin shouted.
"Hey look!" Saruman exclaimed. "It's a talking dolphin!"
"And Frodo is there too!" Sauron shouted and started jumping at the spot.
"How exciting!" Saruman said and joined Sauron in his jumping.
"Yeah!" Sauron agreed.
"Let's ask them what they're doing!" Saruman said.
"Are you out of your mind?" Sauron asked.
"No," Saruman said.
"Good," Sauron said. "I don't want an evil minion who's out of his mind. Anyway, you two over there; what are you doing?"
"We must ask you to bring the noise down to an acceptable level," the dolphin said.
"Oh, okay," Sauron said. "We're sorry if we caused any trouble."
"Just don't do it again," the dolphin said and jumped back into the ocean.
---
Back in Middle Earth, the Fellowship was getting impatient. "You know, someone better do something now," Arwen said. "I don't think Frodo is coming back."
"Then we've lost the Ring to Sauron!" Gandalf said. "The Ring has taken Frodo to Bahamas, where Sauron is. That is not good. We're all doomed!"
"Nah, I'm pretty sure Frodo can handle it," Arwen said. "He's a big hobbit now."
"Yeah, probably," Gandalf said and sighed.
---
"Give me the Ring, you stupid pig!" Frodo yelled after the orc that had stolen the Ring out of his pocket.
"No way! I am going to take the Ring to--"
"No! Don't take it to Sauron! Please!"
"Who said anything about taking it to Sauron?" the orc hissed. "I'm going to take it to the United States and make some money!"
"Nooo!"
"Yes."
And so the orc went to the United States.
---
What is going to happen now?
Is the Ring lost forever?
Will the orc sell the Ring to the wrong guy?
If so, who will that guy be?
Is this the end of Middle Earth?
Are you cooking beeeans?
TO BE CONTINUED!
By the way, don't be surprised if the characters are acting a bit out of character... it's a comedy fic based on an all serious trilogy, so it was bound to be a little out of character in the first place anyway.
If you don't fancy really, really strange fiction, then maybe this is not for you. This is every bit as insane as you can imagine, if not even more. So don't say I didn't warn you! This is what you get when you combine a strange mind such as mine with boredom and nothing to do.
And now, here's the story...
WHEN DISASTER STRIKES: BOREDOM GONE WRONG
The Ring had a sudden as well as desperate urge to go to Bahamas, because that was where Sauron and Saruman had taken their troops on vacation, leaving the good guys with nothing to do. Boring. Sure, there were some orcs left behind that would occasionally attack the fellowship, but these orcs were too few to offer any challenge.
The Fellowship of the Ring, plus a bunch of other characters, was gathered in a clearing close to Rivendell. Frodo, Sam, Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli, Gandalf, Arwen, Éowyn, Boromir, Merry and Pippin were there, to be more accurate. All had one thing in common: they were bored as hell.
They were gathered around a campfire, trying to find stuff to do. Gandalf was the first to speak. "Well, fellows," he spoke, "we should find something to do now, before we bore our brains out."
Legolas turned to Aragorn. "I know one thing we can do...," he said with a smile and a hint.
Aragorn nodded. "I see what you mean," he said. "What we always do in fanfics, right?"
Legolas hugged him. "Right."
"So, let's find a nice, secluded place to..."
Suddenly, a large, hairy creature jumped out of the bushes. Frodo drew his sword, and to his horror it was shining blue!
"ORCS!" Legolas screamed in terror.
"No, wait!" the shadowy figure yelled in protest. "I am not an orc!"
"GOLLUM!" Legolas screamed in terror.
"No, wait!" the shadowy figure yelled in protest. "I am not Gollum!"
"BALROG!" Legolas screamed in terror.
"Oh, would you stop that?" the shadowy figure protested.
"Then who are you?" Frodo asked.
The shadowy figure stopped being shadowy. It was a woman. "I am here on behalf of the Middle Earth Company of Censorship," she said. "There will be no hanky-panky going on between Aragorn and Legolas in this story, because this fic isn't rated NC-17, or even R for that matter."
"CENSOR LADY!" Legolas screamed in terror.
"You're damn right," the censor lady said.
Legolas looked disappointed. "Oh, damnit! Why can't I and Aragorn get it on, like we do in 80% of the other fanfics in this category?"
The censorship lady laughed an evil laugh. "I know that I'm evil, you don't have to inform me. Bye."
Aragorn frowned. "Now that option is out of the way. What will we do now?"
Merry opened his mouth. "I know!" he said while he was at it. "Let's play Truth or Dare!"
"Sounds fair to me," Frodo said. "Do we all agree on this?"
They all did. Merry giggled and said, "I go first. Okay, I choose Éowyn. Truth or dare?"
Éowyn thought for a second. "Dare," she finally replied.
"Okay," Merry said and started thinking. Gradually, an evil grin started growing on his face.
Just then, Gandalf screamed in terror. "HIDE! IT'S A NAZGÛL!"
They all threw themselves down on the ground, hiding their heads beneath their hands as if it would help. God, how dumb that made them look! Except for Legolas, of course. His extra-ordinary eyesight made him realize something else. He turned to Gandalf. "Gandalf, you old hog, that's just a dragonfly!"
Gandalf stood up and tried to laugh it off. "Oh... hehe... how stupid of me. You may continue."
All the people got back up. Merry proceeded his evil grin for a while, then he seemed to be done. "Alright, Éowyn, I dare you to kiss an orc for five seconds. On the mouth."
Éowyn's face twisted in disgust. "Ewww! That is so gross!"
Merry laughed. "It's a dare, so you're going to have to do it."
"But where will I find an orc now?" she whined. "Most of them are gone for Bahamas."
"There are some orcs frolicking around in the forest," Aragorn suggested. "I also heard there are some orcs ruminating over there," he added and pointed his finger towards a field not very far from there. "Some orcs are known to me monkeying about in the trees, too, but I don't think you look much like a climber."
"Alright," Éowyn said. "Thank you for the advice."
"No problem," Aragorn said.
Éowyn strolled away to the fields where the orcs were ruminating. Seemingly unaware of her presence, the orcs continued ruminating even though she was standing there, watching them. "Hello!" she yelled to break the silence.
"Oh!" an orc burst out. "You! I am going to kill you now, and send you to Mordor!"
Éowyn snorted at him. "Sauron is not at home," she said. "He's on vacation, so taking me to Mordor would hardly cause me any trouble at all."
The orc tried to think, but failed. "I will take you to Mordor, where Sauron will make you his slave!"
Éowyn shook her head. "No, no, no, you do not understand. Sauron is no longer in Mordor, for he has travelled to Bahamas for a month. He is not available, so you cannot send me to Mordor."
"I will send you to Mordor, where you will become my master's slave."
"No, you will not, because your master is not there."
"I will send you to..."
Éowyn decided she had had enough. "Alright! Good luck with sending me to Mordor!" She paused to catch breath. "But first, I need you to do one thing. Kiss me."
"I will send you to Mordor--"
"NO! Kiss me! On my mouth!" she yelled. "Kiss me, and then you may send me to Mordor! Do you know how to kiss?"
The orc went silent.
"Do you?" Éowyn repeated.
The orc was very persistent in being quiet.
"Man, are you stupid?" Éowyn let out, disappointed. "Alright, if you do not want to learn how to kiss, I will not force you. There are always plenty of other orcs to kiss..."
A tear formed in the orc's eye. "I was only here to send you to Mordor," he said, desperate. "Why can't you be a good girl and follow me there? Oh, I am such a failure!"
"No, you're not a failure," Éowyn said. "Will you kiss me now, and prove that you're a ma... err, orc?"
"My father always told me that I would grow up to be a loser," the orc cried.
"Yeah, yeah, that's very nice, but let's kiss!" Éowyn insisted.
"No! I will take you to Moo... oooooooo...rmmmmpphh...!" the orc said before Éowyn's reluctant kiss muffled him. When she broke it, their respective brains tried to understand what they had done, but failed and went to sleep. Therefore, the rest of the Fellowship had to carry the sleeping Éowyn back to the camp.
"Alright," Aragorn said. "Now that Éowyn is asleep, who will go next?"
"I will," Frodo said.
"Okay, Frodo," Aragorn said. "Truth or dare?"
"Um... um... um...
...
....
...
..
.....
..
um, dare."
"Okay," Aragorn said and smiled mischievously. "I dare you to put the Ring on your finger."
"What? But Gandalf forbade me to, under any circumstances! I will not obey!"
Gandalf turned to Frodo with that "I've-thought-out-what's-best"-look on his face and said, "Frodo, I think you should put the Ring on. Being its only true master is on a Bahamas vacation, I don't think it should harm you. Go on. Put it on."
Frodo reluctantly grabbed the Ring and regarded it. Slowly, he let it slide onto his finger...
Immediately, he heard a voice. There is no boredom in Bahamas... only parties and fun for the whole family! it said, and it sounded so good to him that he actually allowed the Ring to take him to Bahamas.
A sunny beach in Bahamas, to be more certain. He was not alone there either; Sauron, Saruman and all their minions were there, too. They were all dancing and wearing party costumes.
"Hoo-ray!" Sauron yelled upon seeing Frodo. "Nothing part-ays better than a Ringbearer! Come dance with us!"
"No, I'd much rather swim," Frodo said, "but thank you anyway."
Frodo jumped into the water and started swimming. He went underwater, where he was met by a strange group of fishes. He didn't notice them at first, but then one of them came up to him and said, "Hello."
Frodo was startled. "Oh my God! You can talk? But you're a fish!"
The fish responded, "Oh my God! You can swim? But you're a hobbit!"
They went silent for a while. Then the fish said, "I think you better swim up to the surface to get some air."
"That seems about right," Frodo said and then wondered how he was able to talk underwater.
"Well, are you gonna float there and wonder how you're able to talk underwater, or are you gonna swim up to the surface and not die?"
"Um... I'll be back," Link said and swam to the surface, where he got some air. After that, he swam back down. "I'm done now."
"Good. Now, you see... we fishes need you to do us a favor."
"A favor? What is it?"
"It's when you help a person without making profit from it, but that's not important right now. You see, there's a dolphin over there that needs your help."
"Oh," Frodo said and scratched his forehead. "What do you want me to do?"
"Help him."
"How?"
"By taking him to Sauron," the fish said and sighed. "That rude creep has been disturbing us ever since he came here with his legions from Mordor and whatnot. They party all night long, and as a result, we don't get no sleep."
"That's a double negation, which means that you DO get some sleep!" Frodo pointed out.
"Shut up," the fish said. "Anyway, go talk to the dolphin, and make him follow you to the shore."
"Why can't you go to the shore and tell them?" Frodo asked. He was a bit confused. "I am a bit confused," he said. No shit, Sherlock, that's what I just said. "I'm sorry," Frodo said.
"What?" the fish said. "What are you sorry about?"
"No, no, I was talking to ExBlade. It didn't have anything to do with anything. Anyway, so, where were we... oh yeah, I asked why you can't go to the shore and tell them yourself. Why must I and that dolphin you were talking about do all the work?"
"Because we're lazy," the fish said. "Now go get 'em, tiger!"
"Alright!" Frodo shouted and swam to the dolphin. "Hello, dolphin."
"Why, hello, little hobbit!" the dolphin said. "Want some coffee?"
"No thanks, I'm fine," Frodo replied. "Will you come with me to the shore and tell these Mordor fellows to stop making all that noise? Yes/no/cancel."
"Yes."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Then let's go."
They swam to shore, where Sauron and Saruman were holding a pie-eating contest. "Yo, Sauron!" the dolphin shouted.
"Hey look!" Saruman exclaimed. "It's a talking dolphin!"
"And Frodo is there too!" Sauron shouted and started jumping at the spot.
"How exciting!" Saruman said and joined Sauron in his jumping.
"Yeah!" Sauron agreed.
"Let's ask them what they're doing!" Saruman said.
"Are you out of your mind?" Sauron asked.
"No," Saruman said.
"Good," Sauron said. "I don't want an evil minion who's out of his mind. Anyway, you two over there; what are you doing?"
"We must ask you to bring the noise down to an acceptable level," the dolphin said.
"Oh, okay," Sauron said. "We're sorry if we caused any trouble."
"Just don't do it again," the dolphin said and jumped back into the ocean.
---
Back in Middle Earth, the Fellowship was getting impatient. "You know, someone better do something now," Arwen said. "I don't think Frodo is coming back."
"Then we've lost the Ring to Sauron!" Gandalf said. "The Ring has taken Frodo to Bahamas, where Sauron is. That is not good. We're all doomed!"
"Nah, I'm pretty sure Frodo can handle it," Arwen said. "He's a big hobbit now."
"Yeah, probably," Gandalf said and sighed.
---
"Give me the Ring, you stupid pig!" Frodo yelled after the orc that had stolen the Ring out of his pocket.
"No way! I am going to take the Ring to--"
"No! Don't take it to Sauron! Please!"
"Who said anything about taking it to Sauron?" the orc hissed. "I'm going to take it to the United States and make some money!"
"Nooo!"
"Yes."
And so the orc went to the United States.
---
What is going to happen now?
Is the Ring lost forever?
Will the orc sell the Ring to the wrong guy?
If so, who will that guy be?
Is this the end of Middle Earth?
Are you cooking beeeans?
TO BE CONTINUED!