:: Sweet Nothing ::

by D-chan

Megami Kouhosei

Rating: PG

Pairings: Yamagi+Roose/Roose+Yamagi, Wrecka/Roose

Warnings: possible OOC, language, shounen ai, heavy angst

Disclaimer: I don't own Megami Kouhosei or the characters in Megami Kouhosei... (Geez, disclaimers tend to get very monotonous after a while... -.-)

Notes: Whoa. oO;; Not only is this the first Y/R I've done in a month, but how did this turn so... Angsty? It was supposed to be a happy fic. *sigh* That's what I get for listening to weird music ('Aoi Jiyuu, Shiroi Nozomi', a Fushigi Yuugi song sung by Chichiri and Tasuki) and ending my longest MK fic with an uncertain ending. Or something. Or maybe I'm just tired. One will never know...

It wasn't real. True, everything was solid and had its own look, smell and texture, but that didn't mean it was real. It just didn't feel alive to him. But then, he supposed hardly anything artificial really felt "alive".

He cracked his eyes open, peering out at the beautiful scenery beneath his lashes. He blinked a couple times, further opening his eyes. Even the ceiling looked almost like a sky... And the way it seemed to drop off in the distance... Clay had called that a horizon, he remembered.

'Amazing. They even have an artificial horizon.'

It hadn't been his first time in this room, but it was the first time he really bothered to notice his surroundings. The first time he came here he spent most of his time running from his psychotic partner and the second time his roommate had been following him, nagging for attention the entire time. So he really hadn't been able to observe things before.

Yamagi Kushida, candidate number 86, sighed in content and stretched his limbs, tucking his hands beneath his head and gazing up at the blue-painted ceiling. Whoever had designed this room sure had worked hard. They'd even painted almost realistic-looking clouds, a nice added touch.

'It's so unlike my colony,' he thought, closing his eyes again. 'Back there, when it was still functioning, it was never this beautiful. We never took the time to grow flowers around our house and the grass was simply something to walk on.' But here... Here it was so different. Everything in this room was valuable and probably worth a lot of money. But, hell, if it helped him relax he figured it must have been worth it.

It was nice and warm, but not so warm he couldn't fall asleep. He was drifting off, flickering in the mist between consciousness and dreams when the perfect silence was shattered.

"Yamagi-kun!"

Yamagi flinched and quickly propped himself on his elbows. His roommate, Roose Sawamura, smiled at him from beneath soft, dark green bangs. His eyes were the same as his hair, as though reflecting the color.

"Hello, Roose," he said dully. The skinny boy paid no mind to his flat tone and sat down next to him, his sweet smile still plastered to his face. "What do you want?"

Roose shrugged, blinking innocently. "Nothing. Just to be with you. That's okay, right?"

Yamagi sighed and leaned back down, running a hand through his short purple hair. He wanted to tell Roose to go away and leave him alone, he really did, but every time he opened his mouth to do so, he would always end up meeting the boys eyes and mutter a "Whatever" or "I don't care." It was very frustrating. This time, he figured he shouldn't even waste the energy.

"Of course it's okay." Well... Maybe he shouldn't have said that. Now Roose would get the idea that he could bug him whenever he wanted. But he looked even happier now (if that was possible) so Yamagi decided to let it drop.

Roose drew his knees to his chest, a motion Yamagi noted out of the corner of his eye. Why he was watching the boy he really didn't know, but...

"Do you come here often, Yamagi-kun?"

He snorted at the question, shaking his head as he gazed up at the ceiling. "Of course not. I don't have the time." Or when he did, someone else would be doing something disruptive and very unrelaxing in there. Most of the time it was a random candidate he didn't know but sometimes it wasn't just a candidate. Sometimes it would be a candidate and a repairer. If that didn't sound like a big deal, it really did to Yamagi. Save Kizna and Zero or Hiead and Ikhny, he hardly knew a pair of partners to come in together without intentions of being... Well, romantic.

Roose shifted slightly, resting his chin on his knees but turning his body to look at his best friend. "Do you ever come here with Tukasa-san?"

Yamagi scowled. 'Way to calm me down, idiot.' Part of him silently reprimanded himself for calling Roose an idiot, but his own voice drowned out the scolding. "No. Why would I?"

Roose appeared genuinely puzzled. "Because... You're partners? Don't you hang out with her sometimes? Spend quality time together?"

Something about the way he said it started a fire in the pit of Yamagi's stomach. Sitting up, he glared at the taller boy and snapped, "If you mean quality time the same way you sleep with Wrecka, then no," he spat, stressing certain words.

Bright red color rose in Roose's cheeks. "I... I don't... I mean, we..."

Suddenly in a very dark mood, Yamagi threw himself back on the ground with a loud thump. He was really very displeased with the "relationship" between Roose and Wrecka, if you could call it one. It was more like, "Roose, you worship the ground Wrecka walks on and do whatever she says and she'll reward you specially." It made him sick to think of Wrecka effortlessly dragging Roose around on an invisible leash.

"Hmph," he muttered, closing his eyes and moving his arm over his face to further block out the light.

Roose fell silent for a few minutes. Yamagi wasn't sure whether to be worried or to count it as a blessing.

"I'm sorry," Roose said quietly, breaking the silence that had fallen between them.

"For what?" Yamagi asked, not moving his arm. He was becoming too comfortable to move again.

He could imagine Roose fidgeting as he spoke, perhaps toying with his fingers or prodding at the grass that never felt quite real to Yamagi. "... For letting Wrecka push me around like that."

Yamagi started, removing his arm and staring at Roose in surprise. 'No "Wrecka-chan"? Is he ill?'

"Are you sick?" he asked critically.

Roose blushed brightly. "... No..." he said in a small voice. "Why do you ask?"

Yamagi rolled his eyes. "For one, your entire face is redder than Hiead's eyes." It wasn't a bad analogy, either. Hiead had the most piercing, burning red eyes he'd ever seen. Come to think of it, he'd never met a person with red eyes before. Maybe that was why they were so creepy and easy to remember. "Plus, you didn't call her 'Wrecka-chan'."

The other boy gave a small shrug, staring down at his clunky shoes with false interest. His behavior was odd, but Yamagi simply tried to brush it off with, 'They probably had a fight of sorts. Maybe her demands finally became to much.'

It would have made sense, had it been anyone but Roose.

Finally growing irritated at Roose's disturbing silence, Yamagi sat up. "All right, talk."

Roose looked at him, mildly startled and blinking. "What?"

"I don't know what is wrong with you," he said slowly, "But you're disturbing me. So tell me what's wrong if it'll make you feel better." 'Then we can both get on with the rest of our lives,' he added silently.

A small smile flickered over the boy's unusually serious face and he turned to gaze across the beautiful room. One arm was looped around his skinny legs, pinning them to his chest, while the other hand toyed with the grass.

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean to worry you..."

Yamagi's face felt unnaturally warm. "I'm not worried about you," he said a bit too defensively.

"Right. Sorry again..."

Roose's quick self-correction was only half-hearted, though. Now he refused to meet his friend's eyes, making it all the more obvious that he was hiding something.

"Yamagi-kun?" he asked in a small voice.

"Hm?"

Roose stared down at his hands, his fingers drumming lightly against each other nervously. "May... May I ask you something?"

The way he asked it made the shorter boy tense up and he nodded stiffly, muttering an okay. Whatever Roose wanted to ask, it was something that obviously made him uncomfortable. It was hard to make Roose uncomfortable; he just seemed to flow along everything with ease. Of course, if he was actually putting any amount of effort into going against that flow...

"Is... Is there anything wrong with... You know..." His sweet, troubled eyes slid sideways to look at him. "... Liking a guy?" he finished in a bare whisper.

Yamagi blinked, unsure how to reply. "Liking as in... How you like Wrecka?" He couldn't come up with another comparison, though he hated using it.

Roose flushed. "More."

More? How... Bizarre, in Yamagi's opinion. He turned the matter over in his mind, shrugged and said, "I don't see anything wrong with it." And he really didn't. He'd practically grown up around homosexual people as a child on his colony and was far more used to it than most. "Why?" he asked, the tension draining out of him as he relaxed onto the grass again. "You like a guy?"

The other boy shifted. "I... I think so."

Yamagi scoffed. "You think so?"

Roose shrugged, seeming to shrink into himself. "I... I don't want to say that I do... I mean... You know... What if he doesn't like me?"

That, in Yamagi's opinion, was a stupid question. "Life's full of disappointments, Roose," he stated flatly. "You'll have to decide if you like him or not on your own. And if you do, you'll have to decide if you're willing to risk rejection."

Roose sighed heavily. Then, almost completely out of nowhere, he blurted, "What about you? I mean... Do you love anyone, Yamagi-kun?"

He hesitated in answering. "... I don't know." 'I shouldn't even be thinking about that, should I? I need to be more like Zero when it comes to issues like this... Completely focused on becoming a pilot...'

"Oh."

This was becoming too awkward. Yamagi got to his feet, brushed off the back of his uniform, and briskly exited the room. He even ignored Roose's call for him to wait; why should he wait? The point of leaving was to get away from Roose and the discomfort the other boy gave him.

But... Why was he uncomfortable? It didn't make any sense.

* * *

"I'm sorry."

Yamagi glanced up, mildly startled, to see Roose standing in the doorway of their room, his face brilliantly pink from both embarrassment and having run all the way there. He stumbled into the room and collapsed on his own bed and lay there, staring up at the ceiling and panting softly as he tried to catch his breath.

"For what?" he asked. He was sitting cross-legged on his bed, going over some notes they had taken in class the day before. Not because he wanted to review and not because he was interested. No, he just had to keep his mind off Roose.

He'd taken the past half hour alone to think, and the conclusion he'd come to didn't make him happy at all. He was jealous. Not of Roose, but whoever this boy Roose liked. He'd been thinking about that, too, and had come to the conclusion that it was most likely Zero. Why Zero? Because no matter how nice Roose was to Hiead, he couldn't possibly be that stupid to love him, he really didn't want to think about Clay and Roose together and it couldn't be himself because he was too mean. And they really didn't talk to any other boys.

"For making you mad at me..."

Yamagi snorted, setting the small device for taking notes aside. "The last thing you can do," he said patiently, "is make me mad." Which was true, really. Roose could irritate him, yes, but he never really made him angry. It was hard to get mad at Roose, what with his innocent looks and wide, sweet eyes that made you want to melt on the spot.

He thought Roose would look relieved, but instead he smiled almost sadly. "Not if I told you... Things."

Yamagi raised an eyebrow before realizing Roose meant telling him about who he liked. But how could he possibly know he'd be jealous of Zero? He was almost positive it was Zero now.

"Even if I did get mad... I probably wouldn't stay mad," he muttered, shrugging and scowling at his hands in frustration. Why didn't... Why couldn't he just... Why did he have to be afraid of Roose? Of all the people? It was like worrying about Clay pounding you into the ground with his bare hands.

Roose shook his head, closing his eyes as he shifted slightly. "I dunno..."

Yamagi held his breath, unable to tear his eyes away from the impossibly cute boy on the bed. Cute had never really been the type he would have gone for (because cute usually ended up being like Wrecka or Tukasa) but Roose was different. He wasn't just cute; he was completely innocent. It was hard to dislike the boy.

'But just because it's hard to dislike him doesn't mean you have to love him, does it?!'

"So, out with it," he snapped. "Who do you like?"

Roose's blush intensified but his eyes stayed shut. In fact, they clenched as though he were in pain, but Yamagi knew he was simply embarrassed. "I... I..."

"Well?" Yamagi was growing impatient and irritated. If Roose would just say it he--

"Imightlikeyou," the boy blurted, so fast Yamagi almost didn't catch it. He did, and his reaction was shock. Although a little voice in the back of his mind was whispering, 'You're so dense; of course it's you. Why would it be Zero? Idiot...'

Deciding to play ignorant just a little longer, Yamagi feigned a puzzled expression. "What?"

Roose buried his face in his hands. "I... I..." He began to mumble incoherently. From what the older boy could hear, it was mostly apologies.

It surprised him, though, when Roose lifted his head and there were large tears in his eyes, threatening to spill. Alarmed, Yamagi was instantly at his side, taking special care not to upset him. He rested his hand lightly against the younger boy's back. "Hey," he said quietly, "Calm down. I'm not mad."

The other boy tensed, as though sensing a hidden attack. A scowl flitted across Yamagi's face but it disappeared quickly so as not to upset his roommate. "Are you sure?" Roose asked softly, tears slowly diminishing.

"Yeah," Yamagi said quietly, watching as one stray tear trailed down the boy's face. It seemed really awkward to him, but... He reached out and gently wiped it off the other boy's face. Roose's cheeks remained quite red and Yamagi's face felt too warm for his comfort as well. Clearing his throat, he drew back a little and diverted his eyes. "Don't worry about it," he finally said. "Chances are it won't last, considering, y'know, you have Wrecka and all..."

"Maybe not," Roose agreed, looking slightly hurt. It was becoming far too awkward for the shorter boy now, so he stood and sighed to calm himself, folding his arms over his chest.

"In that case--"

"Would you kiss me?"

The request was so straightforward and sudden Yamagi started. "W-What?" He mentally cursed himself for stammering, but he'd been caught completely off guard. Roose seemed intent on surprising him today.

"Please, Yamagi-kun?" Roose pleaded, still sitting on the bed as he looked up at his friend. "I don't care if nothing ever happens with us, I... Just want to know what it's like."

'To kiss another guy or to kiss me?' Yamagi asked silently. 'Because if it's the former you can go ask Zero for all I care.' It was a blatant lie, even to himself, but he didn't care. He didn't even voice it; Roose was giving him probably the only chance he'd ever have.

Nodding, Yamagi placed his hand on his roommate's knee. He vaguely noted that Roose felt even thinner than he looked but then they were kissing and all other thoughts completely dissolved into nothingness.

It was brief and over all too soon, but Yamagi forced himself to pull back. There wasn't much to describe about; it had felt nice. Not shocking, not mind numbing, simply sweet, short and chaste. Just nice.

So that was it. Yamagi turned to leave. He didn't know where, he just wanted to get away from Roose now. He shouldn't have done that; he was going to feel very guilty and very uncomfortable for days.

There was a small scuffle and before he reached the door a warm hand grasped his wrist. He forced himself not to turn and said through his teeth, "What, Roose?"

Hesitation; then... "Would you do it again?"

"I don't know what you mean," he stated, continuing to keep his voice level and flat.

A whine emitted from the boy behind him. "Yamagi-kun... Did you hate it? Why did you pull away so fast? Would you do it again if I asked?"

This was starting to go in a direction Yamagi was afraid of. If this kept up there would be absolutely no turning back and he'd carry and even bigger burden of guilt for the rest of his life, not to mention living in fear of the sucubus herself...

"No, Roose," he said quietly. The hand grasping him loosened then fell away. Yamagi turned around, eyes burning. "I didn't hate it. And, yes, I'd do it again if you asked." 'Damn you for being so innocent and... And... Just damn you for making me attracted to you!' He would not say he loved the boy, not when it was too soon and nothing good would come out of this.

"Then why did you pull away?" Roose persisted.

"Because I had to," he snapped. "I'm not taking any risks. Chances are, you'll regret even that kiss later when you're with Wrecka and you'll feel guilty and... Just horrible about it. It'll eat away at you. It'll fucking hurt--" Roose flinched as he swore, "-- and I don't want to be any more a part of it."

"But--"

"Drop it," he growled, causing the taller boy to fall silent. "If you ever bring it up again, both you and I are going to regret it. Got it?" Roose didn't answer, but it was as good as a confirmation he was going to get. His hands itched to grab Roose and shove him to the floor and do whatever came to mind. He balled those hands into fists and shoved them in his pockets, stalking out the door.

'I'm not sorry for what I did,' he told himself firmly. 'I'm saving us both this way. I'm not sorry for what I did. I'm not... Not sorry for what I did...'

He was bitterly disappointed, he realized. Kissing Roose hadn't felt special like he figured it was supposed to. It hadn't felt anything really. Not gross or wonderful or anywhere near either of those adjectives. Just... Nice.

Nice.

Because it was chaste, he thought. There hadn't been many feelings behind it, only mere curiosity. It had turned out to be a small kiss of sweet nothing. By tomorrow, he reasoned, Roose would forget about the whole thing and continue to act as though nothing had happened.

'Damn you,' he thought bitterly. 'Fucking damn you...'

If it hadn't meant anything... Then why did it hurt so badly?