Beliefs.
She closed her eyes in attempt to catch the distant murmur of the trees blowing through the unfortunate leaves still attached to the bare trees. Her white dress flapped in the wind, her slender hands clasped her chest as if to imprint the feeling she got everytime while looking at her childhood memories.
This was in fact the immense garden which embraced the big colonial house where she grew up with her parents and her big sister. She knew every little path and every turn of the little brook following the perimeter of the land her father owned, by heart. Then, checking if some prying eye was watching her, she rested her pale, white hand on the ground.
She was still performing this odd ritual when her sister appeared around the bend and caught her in a moment of profound awe.
Her sister laughed feebly, as if she was trying to express her amusement in a polite way. She wouldn't want to disturb Layla's moments of pure concentration; she had learned to accept her sister's strange connection to nature with the years and, truth be told, she was even a little envious.
Layla sensed her presence behind her shoulder and, with a quick, almost invisible movement she turned around to meet her glare. A defiant smile widening on her rosy lips.
"It's unbelievable how this place has remained untouched by the years. Would you believe it still smells the same?"
Her shimmering eyes travelled from tree to tree, meeting every detail in the meanwhile. Kaylah smiled inwardly at her sister's juvenile curiosity.
"What is unbelievable to me is you still finding it attractive. I sometime wonder if you're still the little wide-eyed girl who used to come out here and stay for ages. I recall one time I actually thought I'd lost you. Mom was going absolutely crazy."
Layla attempted a weary smile and, flatting the rebellious waves in her hair, she assumed a much more sober expression; much to her sister's pleasure.
"I just need to relive those moments, you know? I was so carefree and joyous then. I still miss that naivety I have to admit."
Kaylah dropped her attentive gaze on her protuberant belly, caressing the life growing inside her with a distant smile, a smile Layla couldn't understand.
"Don't you ever feel the desire to grow up? To raise a family and perhaps settling down? You're not that girl anymore Layla even if you don't want to admit it."
The moment was gone; with a casual assumption like that Kaylah managed to disturb even the remotest of Layla's thought. She gazed back, resisting to the temptation to tell her how things were… how she wanted that but couldn't. Instead she endeavoured a smile and continued to travel around the garden with her eyes.
"I'm not you Kay. I have no intentions to suffocate my life with unwanted complications. I still have so much to do."
She lied, pressing her lips so tightly together that it hurt.
"Somehow though you're not living up to these rebellious thoughts; you're not living Layla. You're surviving with the conviction of something that isn't right. You know it isn't."
Kaylah persisted in trying to convince her little sister of the mistakes she was making with her life. She had seen her grow distant and cold during the last years; as almost something had died inside of her and there wasn't a reasonable explanation. At least not that she would know of.
"You don't know anything about my life."
Layla was now starting to lose her cool. It was hard to face her, to talk to her as if nothing happened. As if nothing was happening.
"You're right. I don't know you anymore Layla and I regret whatever made us drift apart; but I love you and I don't want to see you waste your life away. I want you to find love. I assure you that is the key to everything."
Layla looked perplexed by Kaylah's sudden statement. Love. She had no idea of the pain and dread it hid to her. She nodded unwillingly, reluctant to bring the conversation further for it may have reached a breaking point in which there was no turning back. That was the last thing she wanted. Hurt her; even if it was just a little too late to think about that now.
"I'll try. I think it's best that we get back now though; mom is already fussing too much with preparing us this lunch."
Layla swallowed the resentment and pulled off a smile which seemed so sincere it could have fooled anyone. Kaylah on top of it.
"Middle age has worked in mysterious ways upon her, hasn't it? She never even touched the stoves back in the days."
Kaylah sighted, laying a perfectly pale hand upon the ever growing belly. It was enormous and Layla couldn't believe how she could carry it around. How could she be carrying the fruit of a treacherous love like hers with such ease.
Unawareness was the only solution, since Layla was the deceitful sister who was having affairs with her sister's husband.
Layla grimaced to the ground before agreeing. She had to weigh all her words carefully around so that nothing unwanted might have slipped out. She was simply not ready to give up on the love she felt for her sister's husband, even if it was dirty and unfaithful; hadn't her very own sister said that it was the key to everything?
"Mom has never been ordinary for as much as I can recall."
Layla whispered, her footsteps silent and quick in opposite of her sister's ones who sounded struggled; almost too heavy to be hers.
"That's true… Have you seen Harry around, perhaps?"
Kaylah meant the question to be completely honest but Layla was struck down by terror. His mere name was able to send shivers of horror down her spine and, with some little coughs, she tried to regain some composure before giving something away.
"I absolutely didn't. I don't know why you'd think I could have seen him."
Layla was never too good with putting on a brave face and keep on as if it was nothing and Kaylah could understand she was trying to hide something from her, but she was way too tired to maintain an arguing with her feisty sister and instead, squared her shoulders and smiled a little.
"No reason. I just wondered if you might had. I haven't seen him since I left him talking with mum and we all know Harry is not much of a fan of mum's small talk."
Layla relaxed her tense muscles and let her eyes wonder free again to the immense garden they were leaving behind them now.
"I could imagine. Dad's the only one capable of maintaining a straight face while mum talks gibberish."
Kaylah laughed heartedly and patted a hand on Layla's bony shoulders. Her face glowing like only a pregnant woman's one could.
"It's not much gibberish as utter incoherent reviews of some of the stories and gossips she hears while at bingo."
Layla returned the smile and bit her bottom lip as she was used to when words just struggled to come out. Not that she didn't enjoy talking to her sister, but she just felt constantly guilty around her and protective that the fun was drained from those little talks she used to enjoy. The threat of the unbearable truth was always hanging over them.
"Kay… have you ever been unsure whether to tell the truth or to lie for everybody's sake?"
Layla shocked herself with her very own statement. Kaylah's eyes were wide and surprised by the sudden question. It was not only a question; it was a declaration that Layla was keeping something from her.
"Never."
Kaylah whispered, feeling her knuckles whitening for she was clasping her hands together so tightly that the blood failed to reach them.
"Never?"
Layla echoed, a much more surprised tone that she would have intended to maintain.
"I see no point in lying for it hurts ten times harder than the truth could."
Layla scowled; she knew that Kaylah didn't mean that but she was trying to sweeten her up and to talk her into telling her the secret Layla knew she had recognized.
"I think those are overrated beliefs. Truth sometimes it's harder than it appears."
Layla smiled once more before pacing up and leaving Kaylah behind, with all the doubts and worries growing inside her. Layla was becoming more of a mystery as each second passed; and it was not clear whether it was a good mystery or a disastrous one.
Kaylah followed with the eyes the distant figures of her husband and her sister, exchanging what might have seemed an innocent greeting; then Harry looked over her and waved; running towards her leaving a fluttering white Layla behind and Kaylah could have sworn to have seen a tear strolling down her cheek as she was watching towards her.
Harry finally approached her and, with a quick and impish smile he greeted her with a light peck on the cheek; as he always did.
"Your mum's really a talker! I couldn't get out of there until your father came to the rescue."
Harry stole a glance behind his shoulders and checked if Layla was still watching, but she had seemed to be inside of the house.
"Have you noticed something weird about Layla lately?"
Kaylah glared at her husband profoundly before accepting his confused face as a reply.
"She just seems so strange…I was talking to her before and she kept coming up with something about the truth as overrated and… I think you better keep an eye on yourself."
Harry almost chocked on his own constraint of keeping a relaxed composure. Layla had slipped a little too far with her guilt and now he was the one paying the consequences.
"I think she means no harm, honey."
Kaylah looked more peaceful, as if talking to Harry was wiping some of the doubts away. It had always been like that and Harry was capable of getting what he wanted from his wife with just one look.
"I'm not saying that she means to harm you… I think she has, I don't know. It seemed as if she was…wanting you."
Deciphering Layla's means was harder than it looked like and Kaylah was just getting a little resentful, reading in his husband's face a sort of contentment.
"Wanting me? Am I that handsome that I can charm both of the Johnson ladies?"
Harry giggled lightly, managing to bow out with just one stupid joke. He looked at his wife and the mental picture of Layla popped in his mind.
They were so different, in everything they did… and, as a consequence, they managed to provoke different feelings in Harry's heart.
Kaylah had always been the caring one, the reliable and the perfect wife to sport around. She was quite charming but more in a motherly way; as almost she was living in her mother's shadow.
Layla was the absolute opposite. She was wild and unruly; passionate and defiant but loving and sweet when somebody was able to win her over. She was by far the prettiest of the two; with her black hair cascading on her back in gentle waves and her light blue shimmering eyes.
Harry had to sweat a great deal more to conquer her attentions, first, because at the beginning Layla was just considering him as her sister's husband. Off the market to quote her.
But then, when he did, he had been living the best years of his life; full of passion, happiness, secrecy and burning feelings.
Kaylah laughed and Harry snapped out of his daydreams.
"Yeah, you wish… just be cautious ok? It might be the hormones talking by now but I'm not getting a good vibe from her today."
Harry never responded to that warning but instead walked his wife to the house; a desire of seeing Layla and having her by his side growing stronger each minute.
Layla was leaning over the sink, her reflection was clearly sporting an unfashionable frown. She couldn't help feeling the jealousy burning her up. She had sworn that she would have never deceived to that foolish feeling but now; now that she was able to see with her eyes the double life that she and Harry were leading she just felt dirty, and not able to maintain her calm.
She grabbed feverishly a box of tissues and grabbed one with a wrath of anger that was so unlike her.
All of this was so unlike her.
She was about to trash it when the door of the bathroom swung open, revealing a smiling Harry on the other side. His breath was ragged as if he had been running up the stairs and his eyes were full of a desire she had not seen in a long time.
"Is there something wrong?"
She looked at him grinning a little more wider and knew immediately that there was no problem, just a desire which transpired in his every feature. Layla stupidly wondered how could he keep his cool with Kaylah around.
"You got me in so much trouble. Fortunately Kaylah is not bright enough to read between the lines."
Layla sighted and with her hand she moved away some locks of hair. Harry was creeping closer now and she knew what would have happened if she decided not to talk.
"You realise it's your wife you're insulting, right?"
Harry stopped on his tracks but the devilish grin seemed to have no intention to vanish.
Layla couldn't stop longing for him, not even then.
"I'm not insulting her… I'm just reporting the mere facts. You should be pleased if I prefer you over her."
Harry covered the few steps he needed to get to her and engulfed her in a warm embrace. He buried his nose in her hair and intoxicated himself with the sweet perfume of lilies.
Layla closed her eyes too and stopped her mind for a minute, wanting to enjoy the moments she could get. Those moments Harry could steal from his possessive wife.
"I'm trying not to believe that Harry."
Harry detached from her and swirled her on her feet, so he could meet her resigned expression.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Layla rolled her eyes and tried to avoid eye contact; she could feel his look lingering on her.
"Because I might believe that and I would, once again, wonder how come you're still caught in this position after two years."
Harry was not smiling anymore. His face was twisted in an anxious and pondering expression.
"You know I wouldn't. You know I'd prefer to stay with you but I can't; not with the baby coming. Maybe later on…when things settle down."
Layla attempted a smile but she felt more serious than ever. Talking with Kaylah had made her realise what a horrible thing she was doing and now she could only think of that way to lead things back to normal. Divorce. It felt like such a big word.
"I know you won't Harry. The timing will never be good enough and you know that. I just wish there could be a way for you and I to live happily without being so careful around each other. I'd like to just, claim to love you, to be yours for once and to feel like I am the only one."
His laugh was now genuine; he grabbed her hand and pushed her head on his chest.
"You are the only one and I'll promise you time will come for us to be all those things. I just… love you too much to give up on you."
Layla sighed and buried her face deeper in the wrinkles of his sweater. He smelled of cologne and Layla was not capable to resist to his words. She once again felt like Harry was the only thing that mattered.
"I love you."
Harry couldn't resist anymore: he pressed his lips on hers and lost himself in a passionate kiss which left them gasping for air.
Layla intertwined her fingers on the back of his head and climbed on his torso, her legs now snuggled around his chest. The white dress climbing up on her thigh with Harry's hand.
"You know we can't do that now."
She whispered, her lust-filled sighs betraying her actual words. She wanted him as much as he was. There was no denying.
"Who's to say what we can and can't do? I just…want…you."
He started kissing her neck, leaving an invisible trace of saliva at his passage. Layla suddenly realised the thing she was about to do and pushed him away with as much force as she could use.
"NO! Harry… no."
Harry snarled something and, with a grotesque and unhappy frown he slammed the little door behind his back leaving Layla gasping for breath; as she always seemed to be.
She quickly chased away the impulse of running after him as she knew Harry wouldn't have resisted longer and would have turned round and ask for explanations for the rejection; Harry held an itchy spot for them.
She heard footsteps on the other side of the wall and she didn't even look up when Harry supposedly entered the room.
"You know perfectly well why I can't do it. I don't want to start arguing with you again."
Layla waited for him to say something but all that was given to her in response where quickening breaths. Breaths of a confused person. They were not Harry's.
"I honestly have no idea of what you intend by that."
Layla recognized her sister's shrill voice and thanked her inner self for not saying something more revealing.
It could have been a bloodbath. Literally.
"I…never mind. It's not important at all."
She was at lack of intelligent alibis. Lies had gotten the best of her in those days that her mind was refusing to cook more up; only for the simple fact that they kept getting worse as progressing.
Kaylah sighted loudly so that Layla's petite frame was shook by a shiver of surprise. Kaylah didn't even attempt to laugh.
"It seemed pretty important to me. So much that it could start an argument?"
Layla shook her head and, with the most innocent look she could assume she smiled audaciously.
"You think I'd let go that easily if I hadn't labelled it irrelevant?
Kaylah pondered for a while and Layla caught the occasion and slithered behind her to close the door.
Harry was waiting outside of the door with a defiant smile which managed to bring Layla to the edge of losing her patience.
"I accidentally ran by her and couldn't keep her from talking with her beloved sister. Hope that wasn't too much of a hassle for you."
Layla sniffed resentfully and shot him a burning glare.
"Pull your little games with someone else Harry Judd. I'm no match for you."
And she quickly fastened her pace to join her waiting family in the kitchen, not even bothering to look twice behind her shoulders where Harry was flicking his tongue, amused by it all.
"There is something wrong with her, I tell you."
Kaylah's voice reached his ears like a bullet; he had completely forgotten for a minute he had brought her there and had informed her he'd have waited for her to finish talking in the spot where he was standing.
"I'd dare say there is not much we can actually do. If she's odd that's by her own making. Her sister looks pretty sane to me."
His stunt made Kaylah giggle like a schoolgirl and her shrilly laugh was so noisy that Harry couldn't help but wanting to find a way to shut her up. He longed for Layla's smooth and seductive voice, which was able to send shivers of pleasure down his spine.
It was ridiculous to him how much the two sisters he was dealing with could be different from one another and could have such different reactions on his subconscious.
"Sane is a pretty daring word actually. I feel like I'm carrying a whale in my belly; my feet hurt like hell and I'm starved."
Harry looked at her and felt a shot of disgust at the sight of her pregnancy.
He was no fan of the mother/father position Kaylah was so eager to reach. He, in fact, was no fan of kids at all.
"I think you're beautiful."
His eyes gave him away as he said it but Kaylah was basking in her pregnant glory to actually notice a change in them. She accepted the compliment light-heartedly and pointed her protuberant belly towards the staircase.
"Are you coming or are you planning on staying there all afternoon?"
Harry curled his lips in a little smile and watched her descend the stairs with a kind of goofy walk that much resembled a goat on its first steps.
.He readjusted his hair, catching a glimpse of his reflection on the mirror across the bathroom.
Harry Judd had become somebody he himself had a hard time recognizing.
His face was constantly plastered with a mischievous grin and his once starry eyes were now black and deep. His soul was dirty as his looks. How could Kaylah and Layla ignore the changes they were bringing into his life? How could everyone ignore his new self? The only question was how nobody could notice it.
"Couldn't resist admiring yourself, could you?"
Layla soft words brushed against his cheek and he could feel her warm breath on his neck. He closed his eyes and savoured the sensation it was bringing.
"I think it's the other way around dear."
Layla giggled in his neck and continued brushing her nose up and down his neck.
"Keep dreaming, and if you're so eager to sport your cheesy lines you can save them for lunch. Mom sent me up here to fetch you."
Harry turned around and tried to maintain a defiant grin on his face; he hated every moment where he let himself vulnerable and with Layla it was becoming more and more of a custom.
"I think she's actually starting to grow a liking on me, maybe even too much."
Layla tried to act as if his words hadn't managed to get her all tensed up but they did. Every single joke Harry tried to pull managed to increase her pulse rate.
"Do me and my sister failed to satisfy your needs? That's really demeaning of you."
Harry laughed and spared others lines, he only slithered down the stairs, never keeping an eye off Layla who was trying to order her knees to support her shaking figure.
It was too much even for her to bare. The afternoon was still long and she couldn't manage to resist at the pressure.
She fixed some locks behind her ears and straightened the dress who was still suffering from the harsh treatments in the bathroom not long before. She pulled a smile and reached her family; faking an happy expression. If she couldn't bare the thought of them knowing something she sure couldn't handle questions.
"Took you long enough huh?"
Her sister shrilled, grabbing her wrist and pulling her towards everybody, almost forcing her to join the conversation.
"I… needed to check something."
Harry kinked his eyebrow and smiled at a beaming Kaylah. She was rubbing her belly so furiously that Layla wondered how could the baby stand such a treatment.
"Please, don't share too much or we might start to wonder if you're feeling well."
Layla gasped in horror at the unfortunate assumption but her family simply laughed, directing their hungry mouths towards a meal which looked less than appealing. Kaylah was in the lead and her parents were already in the kitchen. She grabbed Harry's wrist angrily.
"Another stunt like that and I promise you I will make this lunch a living hell for you."
Harry looked at his fiery eyes and failed to suppress a chuckle.
"I'd love to see you trying so hard but unfortunately I'm too much of a good person to ever do that."
Layla laughed now, Harry couldn't take things seriously and that irritated her.
"You really think that?"
Harry smiled at the doorframe and he leaned to reach her ear.
"No; I don't. Beliefs are somehow hard to pull down. If they only knew what impure thoughts I'm having in this moment."
Layla swallowed her clear signs of curiosity and even excitement.
"About who?"
Harry pulled her close and, caressing the back of her neck he whispered.
"Are you even asking? Let's eat now… If you manage."
Layla chuckled indifferently and looked at him with a resigned glance.
"I'm not even trying to understand what you mean with that."
Harry shook his head and joined the family merrily, as if the conversation between him and Layla never took place.
It was frustrating, it was everything she swore she would have never wanted in a man yet she couldn't pull away, she didn't want to and this was her biggest fear: become too dependent on him. She knew the boundaries and the oppositions their relationship had to struggle with, yet, she didn't mind so much if Harry could be by her side when she wanted to.
It was her sin.
Kaylah looked at her questioningly and restrained the impulse of telling her off. Her behaviours and the sultry innuendos were starting to annoy her.
"Layla, what's on your mind?"
Layla looked at the happy portrait of her family and felt isolated by it. She was not a part of it anymore. She was the reject of someone she used to be. Layla Johnson was not part of her family anymore and she couldn't be sadder about it.
The only thing pulling her nearer was Harry's smile, which seemed strangely sympathetic and loving.
"I was thinking we should do this more often. I missed you guys."
The lie was able to tranquillize everyone and soon the chatting started again. Layla joining them but feeling more misplaced than ever.
This was family, and she wasn't able to enjoy it. This was the downside of living a side affair with her sister's husband; after a certain point it became difficult living a lie.