TO BE A FATHER
Tigress crouched, preparing to run the course in the training hall for the first time today. Master Shifu always came to observe them at this time, giving advice to hone his students' skills. As she finally settled into her stance, the word "Go" rang in her head. She was already at the Seven Swinging Clubs of Instant Oblivion by the time Shifu finished.
Tigress flew through the course with near perfection, demonstrating a level of mastery rarely seen among the five. Of the Swinging Clubs, nothing was left. The Gauntlet of Wooden Warriors faced a similar fate. Tigress even managed to progress through the Seven Talon Rings and the Field of Fiery Death better than either Monkey or Viper, respectively. No one, save perhaps Shifu and Oogway themselves, could have done as well. As Tigress stepped out of the Field of Fiery Death, she looked over her shoulder to see a veritably stunned group.
The five were speechless for a moment, then Po broke the silence by suddenly exclaiming "That. Was. AWESOME!" As the group began congratulating her, Tigress looked back at Master Shifu, searching his eyes for a sense of approval. There was a slight softening of his features, but that was no longer uncommon. Since he had found 'inner peace', his expression had become a little less tense, as if a great burden had left him. Tigress searched harder, a faint hope stirring in her chest as she noticed the corners of his mouth quivering slightly. Shifu opened his mouth, and as he did Tigress' mouth opened slightly, a hungry look in her eyes.
"Monkey, you're up next."
Tigress' face instantly turned to stone. How could she be so foolish? Had she done something wrong, perhaps evaded one of the Wooden Warriors and took out the other when she could have dispatched both? Why did she build up a wall of hope yet again, only to see it shatter like a pane of glass? Of course it would never come. She had deceived herself into thinking that Shifu would recognize her, tell her that he's proud, give her a taste of what she had never had, and probably didn't deserve. Now she was forced to bitterly agree with lord Shen:
Wounds heal, but scars remain forever.
Shifu wouldn't, couldn't open up. How could he express a feeling that wasn't there? She was his student, and he must maintain discipline.
Tigress silently moved to the wall of the training hall, behind the group. Watching Monkey's progress without seeing, she went back over her run, thinking of ways she could improve. Before she knew it, Shifu and the others began to walk outside. Tigress approached the door, planning out her next sparring match in her head.
Later that night, as Shifu walked through down the hall containing his students' rooms, he heard a faint pounding coming from the training grounds. He felt a slight sense of pride, immediately followed by concern; Tigress was a skilled and dedicated warrior, but sometimes he felt she trained too hard, too often. Shifu had dismissed his students over two hours ago; in fact, most of them were in their rooms now.
Of course, Shifu noticed that she seemed a little less tense since Po's arrival; for that he was happier than she would ever know. However, her dedication was beginning to border on being unhealthy. Or perhaps it had always been as such – maybe he was simply just beginning to notice it.
Looking through the paper walls, Shifu checked on his students one by one. Crane was practicing his calligraphy, to which Shifu had to admit he possessed an extraordinary talent. Mantis was practicing his acupuncture; a highly beneficial pastime, considering the small master often fought using nerve strike techniques. Viper appeared to be taking stock of her apparel; Shifu knew she was growing restless and would soon make another trip down to the villiage. Monkey was either meditating or sleeping; hopefully the former. Po wasn't in his room, but Shifu knew he would be preparing dinner at this time. Finally, Tigress was out training.
As Shifu walked by Tigress' room, he noticed the door was open. Curious, he stopped at her door and looked in and was somewhat shocked by what he saw. The normally pristine room was in comparative disarray. Loose papers were all over her bed, which itself looked as though it had never been made – although Shifu himself had seen it as such earlier that day. Worried, he stepped into her room. For some reason, a particular piece of paper caught his attention. He limped over to the bed and picked the sheet up, noticing the smudged ink and jerky calligraphy, as though the writer had been in pain. As he scanned the writing, he realized that this was a poem – a poem by Tigress. Now he truly was worried; Tigress had never before expressed an attraction to the art, and often seemed to disdain the fine arts. Knowing it wasn't his place to invade his privacy, he began to set the paper down.
Curiosity got the better of him. As Shifu examined the poem in closer detail, he noticed that it had no title. He had always known that Tigress bottled up her emotions. She had never divulged her thoughts to anyone, as far as he knew. There was no way he was walking away from this opportunity.
Again, the jerky script of the poem worried him. What's wrong?
Cautiously, he began to read the poem.
I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I Will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far
Shifu, extremely concerned now, wondered who she is referring to. A faint sense of unease began to cloy at him from the darkness.
I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, to hide behind a guise.
All I ever did I did to make you proud
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with
Realization began to dawn on him, and with it a sense of shock and horror. Shifu unconsciously ground the butt of Oogway's staff into the floor.
I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
I tried to help, to make you happy
but was never good enough
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
The words were like blows.
Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the pathway
Because of you
I learned to stay on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life, because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid
Shifu stood silently for a few moments, a slight haze over his vision. I protected her. I couldn't allow her to become a monster. She feared that more than anything.
He remembered seeing her for the first time in the Bao Gu Orphanage, the anger inscribed on her face, belying a deep pain and fear. He also remembered her uncontrolled strength, and the hate it caused her to direct at herself. She needed instruction.
She needed help. Suddenly, a flood of memories were thrust upon him.
He saw her training, a look of pride and happiness on her face as she correctly executed her new move on the Adversary. His resolve almost melted when she looked at him, beaming much the same way Tai Lung had. No. He can't do this again, to her, to himself. As he walked to retrieve the Adversary, he never noticed how her expression deflated to pain and confusion.
Suddenly, he was in her room, Tigress laying on her bed with bandaged and bleeding paws. "That was a foolish thing to do, Tigress," he had said. She had been punching the ironwood trees by the palace entrance. He felt her pain, and a profound sense of worry. What would drive her to do such a thing? Tigress didn't reply, but rather turned her head and looked at the wall, wincing at his words. He instantly regretted speaking them, but never showed it. He had to remain stern.
Shifu looked around again as he was carried off to the courtyard in the palace. He was standing next to Oogway, observing Tigress demonstrate her ability to the old grandmaster. Today was the day she would become master of Tiger style Kung Fu. She flowed from one form to the next, demonstrating discipline and perfection he had come to expect from her.
"You have taught your student well," said the old turtle. "You should be proud. You are proud, aren't you?"
"Of course, master Oogway." And he meant it. The last time he felt that way was when presented... when he...
He soon wiped the emotion from his mind. Of course he was proud; what teacher wouldn't be?
"What do you think, master?"
Oogway sighed. "A flower cannot blossom without sunshine, Shifu, nor a garden without love."
"What do you mean, master?"
Again Oogway sighed. "Perhaps I am just rambling. I am getting old, after all." He said in his usual jovial manner. "Your student was taught well. She has earned the title of Master."
Tigress finished and bowed to Master Oogway and himself. "Thank you for the demonstration, Master Tigress." Tigress flinched in excitement at the title. As she stood up, she looked at him, warily hopeful. He started to smile. No. He can't break now. He can't fail her like that. He can't...
He knew that his treatment was harsh, but it was better than the alternative. He would not let his pride ruin another child's life. He forced himself to ignore her pain, out of love. Of course, it was out of love. He had always loved her: always. Haven't I told her? He racked his mind for a memory, but he couldn't find one.
What have I done?
Nothing that can't be fixed... stated an eerily familiar voice.
At that moment Shifu heard someone padding down the hallway. It took him a second to realize that the pounding coming from outdoors had ceased. He rose to his feet. When had he fallen to one knee?
When he looked up Tigress was standing in the doorway with a look of shock on her face. Shifu wasn't afraid – Tigress may become angry but she would never lash out at him. Instead he felt shame. A profound shame. It only deepened when he saw the bleeding gashes on her paws. He expected to see Tigress' countenance to slowly distort in anger, and what he feared more than anything: hate.
Neither happened. As Shifu looked at her, he saw fear, fear and...hope? It was the same hope he thought he saw in her earlier that day, a faint longing that came from a dream deferred, an unfulfilled longing. He tried to say something – wanted more than anything to say something...
"I trust your training went well?"
Tigress winced. Bowing in the traditional manner, she muttered "Of course, master."
Shifu nodded and walked out of the room. Before he got to the end of the hall he heard a loud crash. Even though he knew what had happened, he returned to Tigress' room.
Looking in, he saw that the dresser was laying on its side, a splintered dent in the side. Glass and clothes were everywhere. Tigress was sitting on her bed with her head in her paws. As Shifu approached, she looked up at him with the eyes of a caged animal. The hurt in her expression caused him physical pain. He looked into her eyes, searching for the hope that had so recently flared within. All he saw was darkness.
"Tigress, I'm... I..."
Why can't I do this? Shifu wanted to tell her how much he loved her. He wanted to apologize, to make amends, to try and heal her. He hated himself for his weakness, for his blindness.
"I..."
The words wouldn't come out.
Shifu's vision began to haze, and he soon realized that tears were threatening to fall. He looked at Tigress again, that inexorable hope beginning to battle its way out again. Shifu saw in her face not a warrior, but the cub he brought home from the Bao Gu orphanage.
He reached out to her, beginning to lose control, and hugged her.
"I'm proud of you." He felt a pair of arms wrap around him. He had failed at parenting twice now; he would never let it happen again. Somewhere in the distance he heard a familiar chuckle.
Well, there it is. This was my first fan fiction, although I am used to writing. I have to credit Kelly Clarkson's "Because of You" for the poem. I just edited it and took some creative liberties (quite a bit, actually). I originally intended this to be a song fic, but as you can see it didn't turn out that way. Oh well, I don't care much for song fics anyway.
I would also like to credit Starlight River of Dreams for the story Daughter. This was my inspiriation for this story. I originally intended the story to end unhappily, so as to be a prelude of sorts to Daughter, but I changed my mind. I figure there's enough depression and sadness in the world already...