The sun was beginning to rise over the continent of Skyrim, and the newly formed frost started to glow in the new light. As many citizens lay in bed, hoping for another hour or two, the neighbours of the Lindgren household had already awoken from the horrible screams and crashing coming from next door.
"NO…PLEASE ALEXANDER NO"
Ever since Alduin had been defeated, the Dovahkiin Alexander Lindgren had retired to a life of peace.
"It's too late my dear…"
A life of peace with a wife who could not fight back.
"ALEX PLEASE DON'T HIT ME"
A life with a half khajit son, spawned from a drunken night with a bandit.
"...why…do you…do this to me?"
"Because I feel like it" smirked Dovahlindgren as he kicked his wife, curled up in the foetal position. "AND because you didn't bring me my sweetroll BEFORE I woke up" he continued, kicking her again for good measure. "I'm going on another adventure, ta-ta!" he said, closing the door behind him and spitting at a nearby Redguard.
Mrs Lindgren prayed to each of the Nine Divines every morning and night that something would strike Alexander down. But not even the son of Akatosh could defeat him, and she had lost all hope in ever being free again. She tried to run away, but he always found her, and crippled her legs for months each time. She had called for the Dark Brotherhood, but he dispatched every one of their assassins. Thank the Nine he never realised she was the one who called them.
Her only solace in his adventures. When he was gone, she could at least leave the house without him punishing her as soon as she returned. A week and a few days after her husband had left, she decided to treat herself at the local market, and for the first time in her memory, she believed the Nine had answered her prayers.
"Oi, yer that Dovahkiin's wife, aren't ya?"
"..Yes I am, what of it?" she responded quietly.
"Ain't ya worried? Yer husband is heading to Cyrodil to go hunt down the last Oblivion portal. Mara only knows what evil's been festerin' in there for so long."
"Didn't they ALL close 200 years ago?"
"Apparently this bugger's still open. Open in a temple underground or sumthin. Probably the most evil portal there's ever been"
Mrs Lindgren smiled inside.
It had been a long journey, and Lindgren had taken his most trusted companions with him. With 12 days of travel, 2 on horseback (they had run away and been eaten upon re-capture) behind them, the three men had arrived at the Deadlands Temple.
"Great job Lindgren, you bring us to a temple and THE ENTRANCE IS COVERED IN RUBBLE. I'M LEAVING YOU TO DIE. YOU. DONKEY." Shouted the Altmer, Murmek Polus, walking back to Skyrim and throwing his faeces at Lindgren as he left.
"Do not raise your voice at me,. Our journey has not been in vain. Now stand back." said Lindgren, oblivious to his companion leaving and the smell of excrement building around him, while taking stance facing the rocks that covered the temple entrance.
"FUS RO DAH"
The shout had cleared away most of the rubble, allowing the nord and bosmer, to enter.
Inside, the temple was deserted, a statue of Mehrunes Dagon had whittled away to dust by time, and what had been left in the temple was fragile and turned to dust at the touch. Yet, the portal to Oblivion remained pristine, it's fiery glow illuminating the room, untouched in 200 years.
"So what, we just walk in?" said the bosmer, clearly frightened.
"Nonsense! One does not just WALK into Oblivion!" replied Lindgren with gusto. "First I must cast a protective charm that will shield us from enemies beyond this gate…RESTORE HEALTH - 600 SECONDS"
"Ooh Mr Lindgren, I feel invigorated! My body is ready for Oblivion!" exclaimed the bosmer, jumping into the gate.
"NO, I MUST BE THE FIRST!" shouted Lindgren, jumping in after him.
Upon arrival, they could see no sign of danger. And more importantly, no daedra. The only sign of any civilisation was a large tower in the centre of the plane.
"Stay here and guard the gate, bosmer scum. I will claim this land in the name of Lindgren!"
And so it was, that Lindgren alone went to the tower, in search of glory and riches. Even the gate opened for him, signalling his superiority (in his head at least).
But the door to the tower was locked and no matter what he tried, he could not open it. Suddenly, he heard a rasping voice from behind him.
"What are you doing to my tower, mortal?" spat a dremora
"I-I-I-I-I'm an a-a-a-adventurer b-b-b-b-but" Lindgren whimpered, turning to face the dremora, clad in jet black armour, with a blazing sword at his back. "P-P-P-PLEASE DON'T KILL ME." Lindgren screamed, covering his head with his arms.
"I know who you are, Mr Lindgren." said the dremora. "Did you think nothing of your easy stroll through my lands?"
"I-I-I-I-I suppose that was…kinda funny…ha..haha…hahahaha!" Lindgren laughed in a feeble attempt to curry favour.
The dremora was not amused.
"Your bosmer friend is dead. Thrown into lava by a Xivali. Unless you want the same fate, I suggest you ready yourself to fight." he continued, unsheathing his huge, powerful sword.
Mr Lindgren regained some of his confidence, and drawing his mace, he quipped "I have come here to take these lands from you, I am the Dovalindgren, master smith, master warrior, and dragon killer. Leave quietly now, daedra scum, and I will spare you!"
The dremora glared in frustration.
"Yes yes, I know who you are. Why else would I order the daedra out there to conceal themselves, and leave you to me?"
Mr Lindgren's eyes widened in shock. For the first time, he had realised his plan was not going as he expected.
It got even worse when he saw the daedra blocking any possible exit. But eventually, he was drawn back to reality by the dremora in front of him glaring at him in fury.
"You are the challenger" he seethed through his teeth. "To you goes the first blow"
Lindgren smirked. He had never lost a battle before. All he had to do was smack the dremora right in the teeth and he'd take control.
But as he did so, he felt the recoil come back through his arm, breaking it completely.
"…is that all?" Now it was the dremora's time to smirk. "I guess it does count as a hit. Goodbye, Mr Lindgren.
"W-W-W-W-W-WHAT! NOOOOOOOOOOO-"
The dremora swung his blade, launching Lindgren's upper body into the air as he was severed in two. It didn't come down for 4 days.
In Skyrim, Mrs Lindgren smiled. She was free.