Responsibility

Late in the evening, Commander Charles Tucker entered the mess hall with a sigh and went to pick up his usual cold milk. They had succeded, yes, but the last days had been really hard to endure and he was exhausted. More than that, now they were back on Earth but he didn't know where to go since he hadn't a house anymore.

Lost as he was in his thoughts, it took him some minutes to notice that Malcolm Reed was there as well. He was sitting with an old book and his usual cup of tea next to him. He didn't seem to be reading, though; his gaze was fixed upon the table and it didn't appear happy at all.

Frowning, Trip realized that he didn't talk to his friend from at least a week. Of course, they have talked about the Xindi and Archer, but those had been just business talks. Trip noticed Malcolm's tired and pale face and the dark shadows under his eyes, that hadn't been an easy period for Malcolm too.

-Malcolm?- he called quietly, handing his glass of milk.

The lieutenant looked up at him, putting down his book: -Yes?-

-May I sit?- Trip drawled.

-Of course.- Malcolm said softly. Trip noticed that his friend was wearing the famous "Reed façade": controlled voice and blank gaze and most of all the unfailing phrase "I'm fine". Malcolm was a very private person and this was his way of dealing with problems: keeping them to himself.

-How are you doing, Mal?- he asked carefully.

-I'm fine.- Of course. Trip sighed.

-No, you're not.-

-You shouldn't be the one to be talking, Commander!- Malcolm replied hastily, lowering his eyes to the book again.

-At least I admit I'm not fine!- Trip exclaimed.

-OK, I am not fine. Are you happy now? Is it better now?- Malcolm's voice was irritated but his eyes were still inexpressive. He wasn't very cooperative but something in his attitude told Trip that his friend wanted him to stay.

-It's not better. But maybe it could get better if you just talked about it…- the engineer pointed out gently. It wasn't easy to make Malcolm open up.

The lieutenant was silent for a while, then he murmured: -Lately I have been so focused on my work that I haven't had time to think… about what happened.- then he went silent again.

-Are you talking about Hayes?- Trip knew his friend and the Major hadn't had the easiest of the relationships but he also knew they had come to respect each other lately.

-Yes.- Malcolm was beginning to unguard his gaze, which was now clearly guilty.

-Mal, it wasn't your fault. You weren't even there, you couldn't have stopped it.-

-I know that. But it's I… it's I who should be dead, not him.- he closed his eyes and clutched the book with his fingers.

-But what are you saying?- Trip asked, bewildered.

-There were other three MACOs with him… and Hoshi as well.- now Malcolm's voice was sad, exhausted. –First he managed to save all of them, then he died. Instead I…- his voice trailed off.

-You what?-

-When we were down on the sphere… me, T'Pol, Travis and Corporal Hawkings… he died and I, his superior officer, who should have taken the risk, survived.- Malcolm voice was bitter. –Hayes behaved like a real Security Officer… and I did not.-

Trip knew that his friend used to take the blame upon himself even when he wasn't responsible at all, but he didn't expect him to feel so guilty about this story.

-From what I know, that robotic arm latched onto him and killed him instantly- Trip said softly –and that event was unexpected.-

-He was under my responsibility. I should have taken care of him.- the lieutenant answered angrily.

-What could you have done? Tell me.-

-I don't know.- Malcolm whispered, helpless.

-Could you stop the machinery? Could you prevent it from killing him?- Trip asked.

-No.-

-Could you run, push Hawkings away and take his place?-

-No.- Malcolm answered with a sigh.

-Probably it's just that… for a long time you and Hayes didn't get along and you believed that he wanted to take your place and that he was a despisable man.-

Malcolm lowered his eyes, a bit ashamed, but he stayed silent.

-And now he's dead heroically- Trip went on –and maybe you feel bad 'cause you know you were wrong about him.-

-I suppose you are right- the lieutenant sighed –But still he behaved better than I did.-

-You did your best, Mal. As did Major Hayes. The situation was just… different. If you were in Hayes' place you would have done the same.- Trip said, confident.

-Do you think so?- Malcolm asked. Sadness and insecurity were clear on his face.

-Of course, my friend. You put the crew's security before anything else… especially before yourself. If you didn't, we wouldn't be here now.- Trip's voice was confident, appreciative. –You remember that time in the minefield? You were ready to sacrify yourself, to die a horrible death… because you wanted to save your crew rather than yourself.-

Finally Malcolm smiled slightly: -Thank you, Trip. I probably needed to talk about that… and I apologize for being so rude.-

-You're welcome, Malcolm, never mind.-

Trip sighed again, leaning on the chair and finally sipping his cold milk, while Malcolm regarded him closely.

-And what about you? You don't seem very happy too.- he asked eventually.

–I realized that I don't know where to go during my shore leave. I don't have a house anymore, and so…- Trip's voice trailed off.

-I would gladly play host to you, Trip. But my family isn't exactly a pleasurable one… and my room in Starfleet Headquarters is too small.- the lieutenant said, grimacing.

-Aren't you going home, then?- Trip asked, incredulous.

-Yes, I am, but for a very little time. I just wish to let them know that I'm still alive…- Malcolm muttered resuming his façade. It wasn't easy for him to talk about his family.

-After this mission you probably need them more than you think.- Trip murmured –But don't worry for me, Malcolm, I'll find some place to go. Or else I will come to the Headquarters as well.-

-In this case we could have a drink in our old 602 Clud!- Malcolm said with a soft laugh, and Trip laughed as well.

-Now I think we both need a god sleep's night.- Trip concluded, standing –See you soon, Malcolm… and enjoy your voyage home. And enjoy your family too!- he added, grinning cheekily.

-Sod off, Commander!- Malcolm muttered.